Sure, That Sounds Legitimate

And so it is. The damned fools can't take a hint. They can't stop doing what they do. No matter how many times they get no replies, no matter how many times they are ridiculed. They continue to carry on with their infernal purpose. They send us these ridiculous emails promising riches and investments and all sorts of wonderful stuff. They post spam comments that have nothing to do with the subject at hand and only prove they weren't paying attention in the first place. I speak, of course, of the cursed lot we know as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, the internet scammer and spammer. This came through my email recently.

Hello Friend,

My name is Simon Peters, a lawyer and solicitor by profession here in Lome,Togo.

I am writing to you on behalf of my client, a nationality of your country who lived here in Lome, Republic of Togo in West-Africa  when he was alive.

My client died some years back, he left the sum of Us$ 8.5 Million in one of the banks here in Togo, West-Africa, unfortunately he did not leave any WILL nor address of any of his relatives, and the WILL have an open beneficiary.

I would like to present you as his relative, so you can inherit the money he left behind.

Reply me if you are interested in the inheritance money.

Thanks and best regards.

Barr. Simon Peters
Lome, Republic of Togo.

So this has a lot in common with a scam email I've ridiculed recently- in particular, the location, Lome, Republic of Togo. I wonder if the same person has a handful of variants that he sends out under a number of names. Regardless, he bears all the hallmarks of the standard scammer. The overly formal writing, the grammatical mistakes, like capitalizing words that don't need it, and missing out on the fact that it's US when referring to that figure of money (which is totally fictional), not Us. He proposes a scheme in which he passes me off as the heir to his non-existent dead client of his non-existent law practice, so that I can inherit his money. All 8.5 million of it.

Sure, buddy. Right. That's believable. What could possibly go wrong if I were to email this nitwit and say I'm in?

Not much.

Just everything. 

Yeah, I'd be losing the several thousand dollars of administrative fees that this guy would bring up by the second conversation, and he would disappear into the night, like the scumbag he is. Because he's a scammer, sending this to hundreds of thousands of other people in the vain hope that someone will believe it.

Nice try, numbskull. 

I get it, this is who you are, and you're not going to change, and that's fine. I get that. You're stuck in this rut of scamming people for whatever you can get. But I know better, so move along.

Because sooner or later we're going to have to escalate this and send one of these guys after you. To teach you some manners. Or tear you in half, whatever works for them.

The African Lawyer Scam Gambit

They are the bane of my existence. And yours. They never stop, no matter how many times they've been ridiculed, no matter how many times they are not replied to. They can't find an honest way to make a living. They infest our spam email, and infest our comments with spam. And it never ends. I speak, of course, of that foul subspecies of humanity we call homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, the internet scammer and spammer. Such is the case with the following, which came through to my email recently.

Hello Friend,

I am Mr. Eric Kabanda, Lawyer by Profession, however this correspondent is private. I am a financial consultant to an investor from a Mineral-Rich Africa Country with a political background who wants to invest outside his Country.

As stated above, my client had approached me with a mandate to seek for a firm or reputable well-established individual that has the experience in investment management that can help him channel some funds into a profitable investment outside Africa, where he can get good yield for his money.

Due to the sensitive position he holds in his Country and the unstable
investment environment. My client has decided not to retain any of his assets in his country. Kindly let me know your acceptance of this offer and furnish me with a comprehensive draft of your terms and conditions.

Yours Sincerely
Eric Kabanda

Oh, sure, right. That's believable. About as believable as any other scam email I receive. We see the standard over formal tone, the capitalization of words that don't need it, and the third world setting involving an official who wants to move some money abroad and needs help.

Uh huh.

All that's missing is the usual money amount that's meant to entice the gullible.

You want my terms and conditions, friend? Okay, here they are.

Terms are as follows: eat dirt. Conditions: die.

Does that clear it up for you? Or was that too blunt for you to deal with? Because in some ways, I can be fairly blunt, especially in dealing with people I really don't like. 

And I really don't like internet scammers or spammers. 

Where's a well aimed lightning bolt when you need one?

A Sad Tale Of A Mining Disaster

 

Despite all logic, they never do give up, do they? No, of course not. We couldn't be that lucky. They infest our blogs with random crap and comments that prove they didn't read what we wrote. They send us emails with get rich quick schemes that surely can't backfire (spoiler: they will). They just can't figure out a way to make an honest living, and so they continue to strike from the dark corners of the web and spew their nonsense. I speak, of course, of the all too common homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus. Otherwise known as the internet scammer. The following nonsense came through my email recently.

Hello Frand,

Thank you for accepting my friend request, I don't know if you speak or understand the English language,  that is why I am using google translator to write to you because I do not understand nor speak your language either.

I have been in search of someone with this name. I was pushed to contact you to see how best we can assist each other. I am Mrs. Luis Gerald, working as an Audit Manager here in Garanti bank Turkey. I believe it is the will of God for me to come across you now. I am having an important business discussion  I wish to share with you which I believe will interest you because it is in connection with your last name and you are going to benefit from it.

A citizen of your country named Daniel, has a fixed deposit with my bank, valued at US$8,200,000.00 (Eight million two hundred thousand United State Dollars) . The due date for this deposit was last year. Unfortunately Gabriel was among the death victims of the 11th day of May 2012, after a heavy explosion in Turkey, where 78 miners were killed.

The management of my bank is yet to know about his death. I knew about it because he was my friend and I was his account officer when the account was opened before my promotion. However, Mr. Daniel did not mention any Next of Kin/Heir when the account was opened and he was not married and had no child. Last week my Bank's Management requested that I should give instructions on what to do about his funds if I were to renew the contract as his account officer.
 
I knew this would happen and that is why I have been looking for a means to handle the situation, because if my Bank Directors happen to know that Daniel is dead and does not have any Heir, they would claim the funds for their personal use, so I don't want such to happen. That was why when I saw your name I was happy and I am now seeking your cooperation to present you as Next of Kin/Heir to the account since you have the same last name as him and my bank headquarters will release the account to you. There is no risk involved, the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.
 
It is better that we claim the money than allowing the Bank Directors to claim it, they are rich already. I am not a greedy person, so I am suggesting we share the funds equally, 50/50% to both parties, my share will assist me to start my own company and use the proceeds for charity, which has been my dream.
 
Let me know your thoughts about my proposal. Please, do treat this information as confidential as I have more to write to you about his details once I receive your urgent response strictly through my personal email . 

Thanks and God bless you. Anticipating your urgent response.
Kindly write/reply through my email for more details.
 
Best Regards
Mrs. Luis Gerald.

Sigh. You'd wish that at some point they'd grow a conscience, but that's clearly asking too much. This has all the hallmarks of the standard internet scammer. The overly formal wording mixed with the poor spelling. I mean, frand? How hard is it to write friend?

They claim to be using a translator app to be writing this, but first, English is my first language, and regardless of where you are in the world, if you are a banker, you would bloody well have a solid grasp of English. But this person is not. All while claiming to be from Turkey, and in possession of a name that is not Turkish.

No, this person is a scammer.

And they can't even keep their 'facts' straight. They identify their non-existent client, who died in a mining disaster no less, as Daniel or Gabriel. Make up your mind when you're committing yourself to a scam story.

They make up the usual story about wanting to hide the money after he died in a mining disaster (how this guy had eight million dollars to his name is beside the point) from their corrupt colleagues, and so want to split the money fifty fifty with a random stranger on the far side of the world. So they can start their own company and do charitable things and all that rubbish.

Nice try, numbskull.

In an ideal world, they'd give up and just find an honest occupation, but that just isn't going to happen. So they cast this story out to hundreds of thousands of random emails praying that someone is dumb enough to believe it, and wind up losing a few thousand in administrative fees while they disappear into the night.

Come on, pal. Wake up.

Or we we start using you as target practice for one of these things.

Banks, Scams, And My Lack Of Scruples

They are a plague upon humanity, all while being human themselves. Or as close to, one supposes. They send random emails to hundreds of thousands of people, hoping someone is dumb enough to believe their claim. They write comments that are off topic in our blogs to draw attention to their meaningless crap, particularly the same four form comments that prove they're not even reading what you wrote (Rajani Rehana, I'm looking at you). I speak of course, of the vile sub species of humanity otherwise known as homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus, otherwise known as the internet scammer and spammer. The following came through to my email, claiming to be from a British banker.

Dear friend,

My name is David Oldfield. I am from the United Kingdom,  Auditor, Head of Computing department  of (Lloyds Bank Plc UK) here in our branch UK, I am 55 years of age, happily married.

I want you to also know that before I contacted you, I had already prayed for an honest partner who will not betray me at the end of the transaction. I know I haven't met you in person, but I do want to do this business with you.

The main reason why I contacted you and ask for your assistance in this transaction is the fact that this money belongs to a foreign customer from USA who died without a next of kin to claim his amount of £35,500,000.00 (Thirty Five Million, Five Hundred Thousand British Pounds Sterling) in his bank account with us. And this money will be claimed by the Corrupt officials if no one comes forward to claim it in less than (2) months time from now. I don't want this money to go to the corrupt people, because if they claims this money it they will share it among themselves, While there are one million and one people out there who are unemployed and are in need of employment, so I strongly believe that we can open up companies with revenues of this transaction and create some job opportunities to better the life of others who are in need in our society today. I think this is a better idea than to allow these greedy politicians to share this money among themselves.

I want to present you as the Beneficiary to the funds(35,500,000 pounds) and We shall procure all the vital documents needed to release the funds to your bank account under a legitimate arrangement. I would like to inform you that I need a serious and honest person to transact this business with me, I do not want anything to go wrong. However, I promise you my utmost trust and confidentiality throughout the course of this transfer and I expect the same from you.

I will send you more details if you show you're interested in partnering with me.

Thank you in advance for your anticipated understanding.


NB: I occupy a very sensitive position in my office so nothing will go wrong. This transaction is very safe and 100% risk free, THIS TRANSACTION MUST BE KEPT AS A TOP SECRET.

Best Regards.
Dr. David Oldfield.

So, first things first. There is a David Oldfield, associated with Lloyds of London, who earlier this year was honoured as an Officer of the Order of the British Empire. Big kudos to him, and sufficed to say, he's not the guy who sent this. Because, for starters, a guy like that would be far too busy to be doing this, he'd use his actual email address, and he'd be able to properly express himself in English.

No, this is someone who's hijacked the real David Oldfield's name, an internet scammer for whom English is a second or third language, and for whom the emphasis seems to be 'come across overly formal in writing' while overlooking grammar issues like capitalizing words that don't need it, or misspelling and clumsy wording (they claims this money it they will share it) .

They present the story of an astonishing thirty five million pounds that has been sitting in a bank account there for years, and claim to want to divide it up with me so that the 'corrupt people' don't get their greedy mitts on it. They say they want an honest partner in doing good works, someone who won't betray them.

Well, guess what?

If this were real (it's not, because this is a scam probably originating from some dark warehouse in Russia), I would totally screw you over. I would see no issue with doing that, taking you for everything you've got. 

Because that's what you do to the poor suckers who believe you, and who send you a few thousand dollars in a processing fee, and then never hear from you again.

Yeah, I'd definitely stab you in the back. Cheerfully so.

Nice try. Keep at it, and we're going to have to go all in on how to deal with you.

We're going to have to lock you in a room with this guy singing until you break. I imagine it'll happen within six hours.

The Qatari Investment Scammer

They are the worst of the worst. Scum, walking the earth, with no morals, no scruples, no lines they won't cross, no promise they won't break. No, we're not talking about the Republican Party of the United States, though I can see why you would think that. No, I speak of course of that vile lot we call homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus. Otherwise known as internet scammers. The following came through my email recently, with an internet address suggesting it was coming from Africa. Last I checked, Qatar is not in Africa. 

Warm Greetings,

I trust this message finds you in good spirit and health.

We are an investment and asset management firm based in Doha - Qatar, possessing over two decades of experience in the financial sector and we are contacting you to inquire whether you have any current projects or ventures that require financing.

Our investors are open to providing private loans and engaging in capital partnerships across a diverse range of sectors which includes, but are not limited to, Startups - Projects - Contracts - Expansion - Acquisitions in all sectors of works and any of these related business ventures such as Energy - Renewable and Bioenergy, Power Sectors, Oil & Gas, Construction, Automobiles, Agriculture, Forestry & Fishing, Acquisition, Health Sector, Stock Speculation, Communication Services, Real Estate, IT (High-Tech. and Bio-Tech.), Education Sector, Hospitality, Technology, Transportation, Mining, Maritime, Tobacco and Manufacturing, Pharmaceuticals, Business and Trade Finance... Etc.

Our investment platform and strategy is centered on supporting enterprises characterized by robust management teams and innovative business models and we maintain a keen interest in companies with a demonstrable track record of success, as well as high-growth potential startups.

We would be pleased to learn more about your business operations and objectives should your company align with our investment criteria. We would therefore anticipate your immediate response to this email at your convenience to arrange an introductory call to discuss your specific financing needs and explore potential partnership opportunities.

Moreso, we welcome any referrals to associates or partners who may be seeking financial support as we offer a certain percentage (1% precisely) of the loan as commission to agents / brokers / consultants who introduce clients to us.

We anticipate the possibility of a mutually beneficial collaboration between our firm and yours.

Kind Regards,

Mohammed Abdullah.

Investment Consultant

Industry Investment Group

Sigh. This is quite random. Like the half a million other random emails they send this nonsense out to. First, I'm not in any business. And if I were, I wouldn't accept business proposals from random idiots who send this out of nowhere. They write this in true spammer form letter style- over the top formal, using the sort of vernacular you'd expect out of investment people (who have no soul to begin with. Honestly, they're as bad as bankers)

They spew all of this nonsense, hoping to get someone dumb enough to believe it, or at the very least respond. Because if you reply back and tell them to go fuck themselves (very tempting), that's when they can really get started hacking you. I remember speaking with someone who's in IT at my workplace. He agreed that it's tempting, but doing so is practically inviting the spam and malware. So best to just report it as phishing, delete, and be done.

Because this isn't a real investor. This is a scammer, out to take your money.

And they never learn. No matter how many times they're ignored, or ridiculed in a venue like this. They just never learn.

They persist, until they find that one person gullible enough to believe them.

And then they proceed to ruin their day, or ruin their life.

It never ends. In an ideal world, this person, whoever they really are, would be standing right on the slope of this canyon at the right moment. Or the wrong moment, at least for them.

Return Of The Cancer Widow

It is a universally accepted truth that they never know when to quit, when to give up, when to go away and find an honest line of work. They persist in sending us emails with get rich quick schemes or tug on the heartstrings scams (note: I don't have a heart). They send us spam comments in our posts. I speak, of course, of that vile lot of humanity (barely) that I call homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus. The internet scammer and spammer. Back in September 2023, I featured one from a typical Cancer Widow scammer, Debbie Grant, with the following sad story. After the bloated Orange Tumor, who is a scammer all on his own.

May the peace of God be with you and your family. I know it will be a great surprise reading from me today but consider this a divine intervention as a pastor explained to my understanding. My name is Mrs. Deborah Grant, a widow from the United State Of America Married in Turkey, and am writing you from my sick bed because I have been fighting cancer and the doctor says I have only a few weeks left. I want to entrust my money (USD 8.5 million) to your care for charity purposes to help the less privileged as my late husbands' relatives want me dead so that they will claim all my late husband and I worked for.I will tell you more about myself and what you need to do with the money once you receive it. Please write me soon as my health is pretty bad and my doctor says I will be moved to the intensive care unit anytime soon. Have a blessed day and please pray for me. God bless you.

Yours Mrs. Debbie Grant

Sad, isn't it? If it was real, which it is not. I received comments recently that Debbie Grant is still alive. She's still sending that same email to random strangers trying to get some poor sucker to send the inevitable 'administration fee' of a few thousand dollars that would come up if someone was dumb enough to believe it. Even to the point of featuring a photograph of a sick woman in a hospital bed. That they probably acquired through stock photos. For a woman dying of cancer like she claimed nearly two years ago, living this long is astonishing.

But there's no cancer. Because it's just a story. A bad one at that. Written by a scammer whose real name isn't Debbie Grant. Because the name Debbie makes one think of a kind grandmother- I should know; I know a Debbie who's exactly that. Whoever they really are is someone at the far end of a daisy chain of email accounts that probably ends somewhere in Russia, or another dark corner of the world, sending this crap out there and hoping someone is gullible enough to believe it.

Cancer isn't a joke, and it's wrong to wish it on someone. But there are exceptions. I would say that the sort of person who is so amoral as to use cancer for their own benefit- the sort of person who weaves this kind of lie, for instance- more than deserves it. They deserve the kind of cancer that leaves them in agony until their last day, that no painkiller is effective against, that utterly destroys their body systematically. Pure hell, before they end up in Hell.

As someone who's lost too many people to cancer, that is the level of my animosity to someone who uses the Cancer Widow scam, "Debbie."

It's sad to see that this person is still trying to scam people with this fake story, but hardly surprising. Scammers and spammers do not change, not even their story and their modus operandi. But time will tell, and one day, sooner or later, they'll meet the bad end that they more than deserve.

And on that particular day, they'll be escorted straight to Hell by this not so friendly fellow. 

That Old Lawyer Scammer Ploy

They will always be the lowest of the low. They suck the life out of any room they step into, which is a rarity, since they spend 99 percent of their lives in a basement. They infest our blogs with comments that prove they're not reading what you wrote. They send us endless get rich quick scheme emails. I speak of course of that vile subspecies of human otherwise known as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus. The internet scammer.

The following made its way into my email recently, from someone claiming to be a lawyer.

Dear Friend,

I am a lawyer by profession here in my country Togo--Lome west Africa, one of my clients from your country used to work with a shell development company here in the republic of TOGO Africa. My client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in an auto crash here in my country. I decided to contact you so that the $10.5M Dollars he left behind in a bank here will be transferred to your bank account immediately.

Best regards,

Barrister Johnson Luther Chamber.

We've seen versions of this before. The random email ending up in junk folders, sent to hundreds of thousands of people with the exact same story. This time the lawyer (note: they're not a real lawyer) tells us a story about his client, the wife, and their daughter in Togo dying in a car crash. Oh, and by the way, there's 10.5 million dollars in cash in a bank account waiting for me if I just answer this email.

Yeah, right.

Because if this was real, and it's not, then no self respecting lawyer would be going out of their way to hand off the money to a complete stranger. No, they'd be too busy siphoning that money into their own accounts, because let's face it, most lawyers cannot be trusted. 

So it's not real, but it has the tell-tales of a classic scam. The sad story of the death of a family in a car crash. The Third World setting. The inexplicably large amount of money for someone from a Third World country.

But these are never real. What's real is the convenient "administrative fee" that some poor schmuck who reads the email and actually believes it goes and pays. A few thousand dollars. Followed by the "lawyer" ghosting him and moving on to send another scam email to hundreds of thousands of people.

Nice try, you sod. But I know better. And I know not to trust anything coming from someone like you.

Since you started this with the story of a car crash, may I recommend the following? Get in your car. Drive and park on a freight railroad track. Take some sleeping pills. And fall asleep. Let nature take its course.