A Dying Internet Scammer Should Die

There certainly has been a proverbial blizzard of them as of late. The internet scammers and spammers can't take a hint and just jump off a cliff. No, they persist in trying to leave spam comments that either never see the light of day or are quickly banished to spam folders. Poorly written automatic crap that they've sent hundreds of times to me personally, and more so to others. And they persist in sending demented scam emails such as the following line of garbage.

Firstly, I must solicit your confidence in this project; Is obvious we have not met each other,

Meeting new people in our daily lives is not an-ending circle and my apology for sending you this information by e-mail instead of Post-mail.

I decided to contact you for assistance and distribution of my inheritance after going through your profile.

I am Mrs D.Maria, an Australian by birth. My Husband was an American citizen who died years ago and we had no child,

I am sick and Dyeing at the moment and  i will be going in for an operation soon at Albert Schweitzer Ziekenhuis, Dordrecht,South Holland,in the Netherlands.

At this critical time, I want you to use my funds for the homeless and charity

This is based on my wish for charity as i have decided to WILL my funds to you and my Attorney has been notified.

Please I hope you understand the nature of this transaction, which has made me frugal.

Assure me that you will act on humanitarian motives.

Contact My Lawyer,

Barrister. Morris for guidance: morrishb@consultant.com

Mrs D.Maria

Isn't that nice? The standard internet scammer sob story. The dying old widow (dying, you crank, not dyeing) who can't spell, who has punctuation and capitalization issues, who writes like she isn't in full command of the English language (a curious thing in someone who claims to be an Australian). 

She says "Is obvious we have not met each other"- to which I say, of course not. I go out of my way to avoid meeting dirtbag scammers like you. She mangles the English language by saying that meeting "new people in our daily lives is not an-ending circle"- to which I say, seriously? Stop mangling the English language, you nitwit.

And then the sob story begins. The dead husband, the child that never was (because there was never a husband, let alone a child that never was). "I am sick and Dyeing at the moment and i will be going in for an operation soon at Albert Schweitzer Ziekenhuis, Dordrecht,South Holland,in the Netherlands." Again, the punctuation, spacing, and capitalization issues so common to the internet scammer show themselves. There actually is such a hospital in Dordrecht, in which case if this story was real (it's not), I would have to suggest that the doctors go out of their way to botch the surgery and have the old bat die on the operating table. But it's not a real story. It's a scam. 

She, he, or it goes on with the usual humanitarian angle- use the money (which she doesn't identify how much) for good causes like the homeless and charity. She's picked me (plus 500 000 other random strangers from a pile of email addresses to will (no, WILL in all capitals so you can tell this is all totally on the up and up) her funds and says her attorney has been informed. She asks me to assure her that I will act on humanitarian motives.

Humanitarian? Me?

Please. 

If that inheritance was real (it's not), my instinct would be to borrow a phrase from Captain Sparrow and just say "it is my intention to raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out."

Nice try, you dimwit. You're not dying. There is no inheritance. This is all the standard advance fee crap that winds up costing the poor sucker who thinks it's genuine a few thousand dollars before they wise up. I've seen this nonsense before, often twice, from people who have sent the same email message claiming they were dying and had two months to live... five years apart. So as much as I'd like for you to just die already (hopefully in some way that painkillers are useless to do much about), it just isn't happening. Because internet scammers can't take a hint and just die already. 

Unless we send a snarky and very thorough merc with a mouth after them. But unfortunately he's not real either.

The Kidnapping Of Fred Savage

“You’re in a PG-13 version of Deadpool, filtered through the prism of childlike innocence.” ~ Deadpool 

“I’m a grown man.” ~ Fred 

“Nobody does childlike innocence like you, Fred. Nobody. I need you, almost as much as you need me.” ~ Deadpool 

“I don’t need you at all.” ~ Fred 

“You need me to untie you once we’re done.” ~ Deadpool

“You’re Marvel licensed by Fox. It’s like if the Beatles were produced by Nickelback. It’s music, but it sucks.” ~ Fred 

“You were nicer as a kid!” ~ Deadpool

The two Deadpool movies have turned the comic book adaptation on their heads, giving Ryan Reynolds a chance to exercise his inner snark in violent, bloody, and hilarious ways in films that have been R-rated for a reason. Following the adventures of an X-Men connected superpowered mercenary with loose scruples, a face that looks like it’s been sandpapered, and an odd healing factor allowing him to come back from anything, the movies have been popular with audiences. Studios tried to persuade the creative team in the beginning to do a more family friendly film, but the material pretty much required the R rating. Until star Reynolds agreed to do a re-edited version of the second film with two conditions- a charitable cause and the kidnapping of a beloved former child star.

Once Upon A Deadpool tells the story of the second film, in which Wade Wilson (Reynolds) loses his lady love Vanessa (Morena Baccarin), feels sorry for himself, hangs around with some of the X-Men, gets tossed into a prison where his powers are negated. He falls in with Russell (Julian Dennison), a young mutant who’s a troubled and abused kid, but fated to become a monster in the future. And from that future, Cable (Josh Brolin) comes to kill Russell. The story, reedited for language and some of that aforementioned violence, gets new scenes in the form of a subversive and hilarious framing sequence that pops up throughout the movie: Deadpool breaking through the Fourth Wall, kidnapping Fred Savage (playing himself), and telling him the more or less family friendly version of the film, all while the two bicker and spar with each other.

Back when the sequel was released, Reynolds suggested the framing sequence to writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick- a parody of The Princess Bride and its narration sequences in which Peter Falk`s grandfather reads his grandson (Savage) the story while avoiding those parts that might be too scary for a youngster. The subversive element (in parodying a film that was already subversive in its own way in skewering fairy tales) is taking the same young actor and putting him in the same position as a grown adult, and as himself, not as the character. Thus scenes were written for Reynolds and Savage, the latter agreed to do the role, and director David Leitch returned to film the scenes that were added into the film.

Much of the story remains as is, changed only by judicious re-edits. What is new here are the narrative sequences that Leitch has filmed, and the attention to detail in these scenes brought a frequent smile to my face. The bedroom that Fred Savage finds himself looks very much like the childhood bedroom of The Princess Bride, including many of the items around the room. This includes the fact that he’s wearing the same shirt that his character wore in that film (not the same shirt, he’d have outgrown it, but the same style of Chicago Bears fan shirt). Some of the camera takes feel the same too, as Deadpool, taking the place of Peter Falk, bickers and spars with Fred while retelling the story.

The cast of the main story remains as they already were in the first film. Stefan Kapicic voices the calm and resolute Colossus, trying to coax Wade into being a better human being. Brianna Hildebrand returns as the teen mutant with an attitude and eye roll to match, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, promoted to X-Men status. Her girlfriend Yukio is played by Shioli Kutsuna, still as cheerfully happy as ever. Julian Dennison as Russell elicits both horror and sympathy as the young mutant has dealt with a life of abuse from a horrible schoolmaster and is on the edge of travelling down a dark path.

Zazie Beetz inhabits the role of Domino, whose abilities involve the altering of probabilities, a luck power that keeps her alive in situations where anyone else would die. She plays the part with sass, confidence, and the right amount of attitude. Josh Brolin remains as cranky and gruff as ever, looking older than he usually does as the weathered future warrior Cable, who comes back in time to save his family by killing the man who killed them before he gets a chance to become that man. Cable is humourless and bleak at times, but possessed of a moral code. Morena Baccarin as Wade’s lover Vanessa provides more of a spiritual presence through the film, coaxing Wade along the path he has to follow.

What makes this re-edit work (as opposed to, say, an American cable version with their own puritanical edits) is the framing sequence, which maintains the anarchic and Fourth Wall breaking tone of the two movies. And so it’s the two actors involved in that which must be touched upon. Fred Savage as a child actor was known for The Princess Bride and a long running television show, The Wonder Years. In that series he played Kevin Arnold, a boy growing up in the late 60s and early 70s. It established him as a child star, and the film plays off of that as well. Savage is playing himself, at least a version of himself, a grown adult who’s aware that he played a role in The Princess Bride and aware that he’s being held captive by a member of the not quite Marvel cinematic universe (licensed to Fox, so it’s not really true Marvel cinematic universe, something he has no problem pointing out). Savage seems to have a blast subverting himself as he bickers and banters with Wade and breaks the Fourth Wall. He brings good comic timing to the film as he spars with the Merc With A Mouth. Though I never saw the television series, one of the things that passed through my mind watching the film was Savage helming an update with the series- with Kevin Arnold having gone from an innocent kid to an ethically challenged arms dealer in the late 90s.

Reynolds maintains the snarky, reality challenged tone of Deadpool in how he plays the part, both in the main story and in the narrative framing. The character is sarcastic in a way that not even Spider-Man ever was, self-aware that he’s in a comic book, or a film. He can be thoughtless and careless and rarely thinks things through, preferring to live life as a constant improvisation. And yet he has a conscience. Reynolds plays these contrasting elements in his character, and is clearly having a ball playing the part. The narrative framing adds onto the anarchy, as Wade finds himself telling a toned down version of the film to the supposed ‘childlike innocence’ of a kid he remembered, all while feeling genuinely hurt that the kid has grown up and has become snarky in his own right. Reynolds subverts his character while also poking fun at the grandfather role in The Princess Bride, and the energy and dynamic between the two actors in these scenes as the film goes along gives the film its own gleefully chaotic sense of purpose, making it more than a re-edited and toned down version you would see on cable (AMC, I’m looking at you).

Is Once Upon A Deadpool a Christmas movie? Well, no, it just happens to be released around this time of year, and there are bits and pieces of the film that give a nod towards the season. Yes, it has a man in red who’s got a list that he’s checking twice (but he’s less forgiving than the jolly old elf and in better shape). It re-edits the second film and does so in a way that doesn’t sacrifice the main tone of the film. But where it succeeds is subverting what is already subversive- The Princess Bride- with its narrative sequences. The subversion is respectful, oddly- one gets the sense that Reynolds, Leitch, and the writers are big fans of that movie. Reynolds and Savage, in the way they work off each other in those sequences, are a treat to watch, trading insults and one liners as they go along. That makes this film a welcome early Christmas present.

Return Of A Demented Merc

“Move or die.” ~ Cable

“When’s the last time you saw a plus size superhero? Never.”  ~ Russell

“With training, you can be X-Men.” ~ Colossus

“Kiss me like you miss me, Red.” ~ Vanessa

“Tell me they got that in slow motion.” ~ Deadpool

After the success of the first Deadpool film in 2016, it was inevitable that the R-rated entry in the X-Men franchise would get a sequel and the Merc With A Mouth would return for more mayhem and breaking the fourth wall. And so Ryan Reynolds returns as the wisecracking, healing factor possessing lunatic in this follow up feature that finds him carrying on his romance with the woman in his life, forming a posse, and facing a time travelling soldier with a mission of his own in a violent but hilarious film that matches the tone of its predecessor.

Two years after the events of the last film, Wade Wilson (Reynolds) is a mercenary working his trade around the world as Deadpool, the masked man with a motor-mouth who simply can’t be killed. He has a good thing going with his girlfriend Vanessa (Morena Baccarin) until things go awry. At loose ends, Wade finds himself drawn into the X-Men (courtesy of returning mutants Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead) and a mission involving a young mutant named Russell (Julian Dennison) and a time traveling cybernetic mutant soldier named Cable (Josh Brolin).

Reynolds is part of the writing team (and in fact provides more than one character performance), providing input with writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick. The script fits the demented tone of the character, weaving together the violence and the humour of in the right way. There’s a lot of in-jokes in the script that are both tied to the X-Men cinematic world and far beyond it, wrecking gleeful havoc with popular culture in the form of meta gags as it goes along. It incorporates themes and elements common to comic books- time travel, misunderstandings, enemies turned allies- with human elements like selflessness versus carelessness, doing right for the sake of doing right… and bantering with your buddies.

The story narrative does show growth in the characters- Deadpool’s responses to events suggest he’s moved past the self-absorbed buffoon we first met at the beginning of the first film, even while he has his moments of immaturity mixed in with his despair. Personal growth is also seen in Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand), who’s still got something of the punk we saw in the first film, but has grown and matured as well. The writing introduces new characters like Cable (whose entire history in the comics is the ultimate example of convoluted) and Domino (Zazie Beetz) in ways that feel true to their roots.

Director David Leitch (John Wick, Atomic Blonde) has already established a good reputation for the mayhem of action films, and he has the right touch for that here. He deftly paces the action as things go along, and yet amid all of the action, he maintains a hold on the foundation of the story- the characters, particularly the dynamic often seen in comics of two protagonists taking shots at each other and then settling their differences and working together. His style, coupled with CGI that meshes well with the physical, results in a film that has the gleefully anarchic energy it needs, with the right touches of humanity and even self-sacrifice. The meshing of CGI and the physical probably presents itself best in the Juggernaut- a combination of Ryan Reynolds doing stop motion capture and voice for the villain (another double duty for the actor) with the CGI enhancements; it works well for the Hulk over in the MCU and works for this behemoth far better than his previous X-Men cinematic universe appearance during X-Men The Last Stand. A lot of the action sequences, done in a way that is smooth even among all the chaos, is physical as opposed to CGI, and the director deftly films things in ways that don’t get the viewer lost in the chaos.

The cast are all well selected. Julian Dennison plays Russell, the boy mutant who appears as one thing initially- someone who must be protected- but goes off in a different direction as the story requires, becoming a threat in a distant future. The actor plays the role with different nuances- a typical teenager at first with the requisite attitude and snark that might make you want to strangle him just on principle, but he’s got grudges, deeply felt pain, and legitimate grievances- the sort of grudges that are meant to grow over time and make him problematic.

Morena Baccarin appears less than she did in the first film, with something of a different capacity, let’s just put it at that, this time out. Vanessa’s chemistry with Wade feels real, and the two characters are likable together, even if one of them looks like they had their face sandpapered (hint: it’s not her). She acts as Wade’s conscience, aside from being his lover, and that plays itself out as the film goes along, and the actress plays to that, as well as investing the character with a dry sense of humour.

Stefan Kapicic returns to voice the X-Man Colossus once again, the mountain of organic steel from the first film. The character is more CGI than physical presence, but that CGI renders him fully meshed into the scene, and Kapicic’s vocal take gives the character a steady strength and more warmth than you expect out of the comics character. Colossus is an experienced member of his team who works to make Wade a better person, and the actor’s take gives him a sense of optimism. Brianna Hildebrand’s return as the weirdly codenamed mutant teen Negasonic Teenage Warhead (complete with her adorably perky girlfriend/ classmate Yukio) is fun- she still has the punk screw you attitude the actress gave her in the first film, but she’s matured, and the actress plays that quality too.

Domino is a character I like from the comics, and this happens to be the first time she’s ever appeared in the movies. The character’s mutant ability involves manipulating luck in her favour, and aside from that is a formidable fighter. Zazie Beetz gives the role a fun, snarky energy, and gets in more than her share of wisecracks. She also shows the character’s resourceful, tenacious side, and makes a serious impression in her debut of this character. I’m looking forward to more of what she can do with the character, and other roles.

Josh Brolin, who recently spent time as the villain Thanos in Avengers Infinity War, gets to play a very different character as Cable. The character, a partially cybernetic warrior from the future, is older and gruff, an experienced soldier with mutant abilities and next to no sense of humour. He has good reason to come back in time, not to mention target an unlikely subject like Russell for death, and the actor plays Cable as gritty, tough, and not terribly talkative. At first the character is a man of mystery and an antagonist, but when we see and understand his motives, there are more nuances to him, and so as the film develops, he goes from one capacity to another, and makes the character compelling to watch. Even if he can barely crack a smile.

Ryan Reynolds seems to be having a blast throughout the film (even when his character is in the midst of despair) as Wade, wisecracking and tweaking the conventions of the superhero genre once again. He’s still full of snark, despite the despair, and when he finds himself having a purpose, it gives him a sense of growth that we’d have never seen in the character as he originally appeared (even if he tempers that growth with endless amounts of being a wiseass). Wade takes a stand on both principle and bitter experience, even if it sets him against those he’s worked with before, and even if it puts him in the crosshairs of a very grumpy soldier from the future. The actor plays that mix of sympathetic and snark and despair, and runs wild with the meta gag quality of what makes Deadpool work, skewering everything from fanny packs to Disney to the Marvel and DC cinematic universes to even himself as an actor, and seems to be having a ball doing so. He makes Deadpool hilarious but human throughout, and a protagonist we can root for, even if he is a violent, foul mouthed lunatic at times.

Deadpool 2 serves up more of the mayhem, carnage, and laughs of the original film, building on and expanding the X-Men universe in a way that deserves its R-rating. There’s a lot of violence, a lot of language, and a lot of bloodshed. This is not a comic book film that you take a young child to. But it is a comic book adaptation that is uproariously funny (stay for the credits sequences and be mindful of some blink and you’ll miss it cameos) and emotionally human and even poignant. I want to see more of the Merc With A Mouth on the big screen- I just wouldn’t want to know him in real life.

The 1980 Gold Medalist In Dementia

Winter Olympics Soon To Get Underway In South Korea Under Charged Atmosphere

Pyeongchang (AP) The 2018 Winter Olympic Games are soon upon us. Athletes are streaming into the South Korean city and various competitive sites for the event, spread out from the 9^th to 25^th of February. Visitors are following in their wake, eager to take in events. Controversies are right along with the visitors, particularly over punishments to the Russian delegation, which consists of far fewer members than usual, with many athletes banned at least for these games over systemic doping charges. The country’s flag and anthem will also be absent.

Less of a concern, seemingly for the moment, is the persistent tension between the two Koreas, as Kim Jong-un has been playing nice as of late. The two countries, in a state of a tense standoff for decades, will march together under a common flag for the opening ceremonies, and will field a women’s hockey team together as a nod of détente, at least for the time being. Diplomats behind the scenes have confirmed that the North Korean dictator, who’s ceased rattling the sabre as of late, may be content with sending out video messages with him whistling Tiny Dancer, a subtle jab at his American nemesis, who will be sitting out the Olympics at home.

The Games, which see less participating countries than their Summer counterpart, nonetheless are featuring some new participants this year. Ecuador, Malaysia, Eritrea, Nigeria, Kosovo, and Singapore are sending athletes for the first time to Winter Games. For such nations, just participating is reward enough. The usual Winter Games powerhouses, aside from the depleted Russian contingent, will all be active. So too will be the official and unofficial Olympics merchandise hawkers, each eager to unload souvenirs on the visitors.

In Moscow, Russian president Vladimir Putin has been stewing. Even with the overturn of a number of banned athletes in recent days, Putin had been considering a complete boycott of the Games. Two days ago he addressed the matter to Russian politicians at the Kremlin. “How dare they treat Mother Russia this way!” he bellowed, referencing the IOC. “Do they not know who we are? Do they not know who I am? Russia is me! I am Russia! No one treats us this way and gets away with it! This is our destiny! To rule this entire world with my iron fist! Tsar Vladimir the First! We are so close! I have that orange idiot in Washington by the fine hairs, after all. Quite literally!”

The reference of course is to the man somehow elected to the American presidency. Donald Trump, who will be sending Vice President Pence to represent the country, has been busy as of late demanding Americans “unify behind me, or else”. Trump is staying home to bask in Twitter storms at four in the morning, his daily supply of Diet Cokes, Fox News, and rage, and the fury of the First Lady. “Believe me, folks, I don’t wanna bother going all the way over there,” Trump told reporters while playing golf at one of his resorts on the weekend. “I stayed outta there back in the Vietnam- East Korean War with my really painful bone spurs, and I’m sure as hell staying outta there now.” When reminded by reporters that Vietnam and South Korea were not at war and that he was mixing up two separate conflicts, Trump shrugged. “Fake news! Unfair! Leave me alone! Hey, Secret Service! Do your job, you worthless ****ing losers, and shoot those ****ing commie lying media traitors!”

Yesterday, after two days of ridicule over his ignorance of geography and history, the President was at a Re-elect Trump rally in Iowa before a few thousand of his supporters, bearing MAGA red hats, Confederate flags, and handwritten signs. “It’s like this, folks,” Trump said, revelling in the cheers of his base. “Nobody does the Olympics like me! I mean, I know the Olympics. People don’t know this about me, but I was in the Olympics. Believe me, believe me. I won the gold in the men’s 100 meter run in the 1980 Summer Games, and believe me, that crowd loved it. They loved it.”

This would be a surprise to Allan Wells, the British athlete who actually won the gold medal that year, not to mention the fact that the 1980 Games were held in Moscow- something that had been boycotted by the Americans. And yet none of his supporters seemed to remember that boycott. All they were interested in doing was blindly cheering their idol, who reveled in the attention, particularly since it was keeping him away from his wife- who’s reportedly been quite put out over Stormy weather, so to speak.

How will the Games go? No doubt some events will lead to surprises. There will be moments of sportsmanship and moments of heartbreak. There will be memories made and rivalries renewed. And as usual, there will be questions. Such as what the hell was the person who came up with the opening ceremonies artistic production even thinking? As is the case with so many opening and closing ceremonies, we are left to wonder if those responsible for them are a few chapters short of a cognitive book.

One Cannot Have Too Many Pancakes

It's Pancake Tuesday tomorrow, so I've decided to do an image blog for the occasion. Enjoy!