Rampage Of A Mad Scientist

Mad Scientist Holds Allegorical Figure Hostage, Makes Demands

Toronto (CP) It has been two weeks since the escape from prison of the mad scientist Magnus von Malice from an Austrian prison. Two weeks in which rumour and conjecture about his whereabouts rushed around the world. Two weeks in cryptic brief podcasts claiming the world would soon belong to him. Claims of having had constructed a death ray he would use on the first person who heckled him. Law enforcement agencies across the world have been on the lookout for the convicted supervillain. As seems to fit the madman, he turned up in the most unlikely of places this week.

What could have drawn von Malice to a suburban mall? A shopping run for groceries? Funding the next stage of his schemes by robbing a jewelry store? Buying the latest iphone? Whatever the reason, the mad scientist turned up at a mall in the suburbs of Toronto this week, was confronted by mall security, and things got progressively weirder from there.

Von Malice turned what might have been an unpleasant confrontation into a hostage taking, grabbing the nearest convenient human shield. It was Fred Argyle, the mall’s Santa Claus, who just happened to be passing by when it all happened. Von Malice wrapped an arm around Argyle’s throat, according to witnesses, aimed a futuristic looking gun at his head, and started making demands.

“One hundred trillion dollars in gold plated latinum, or I kill Santa!” he started. An onlooker called out, informing the mad scientist that latinum was a science fiction mineral, and not a real one. “Shut up!” he replied.

The police were called in. Mall security kept people back, including children traumatized at the sight of who they assumed was Santa being held at gunpoint. Argyle himself was a nervous wreck. “Please, I’m just a mall Santa. I’m not the real thing. My name is Fred…”

“Shut up, fat man!” Von Malice warned.

“I’m not fat… it’s body padding,” Argyle tried to explain.

“What part of shut up do you not get?” Von Malice asked.

And so it went on. Mall security, not being paid enough for this sort of thing, waited on the arrival of the police. And among their number was a legend of the law enforcement community, off duty and in the city visiting family. He was already familiar to Von Malice- it was this very man who had foiled previous schemes by the megalomaniac super villain and who had put him behind bars.

It was the legendary and grumpy RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich. Witnesses described him as looking typically irritated, which is his default setting in life. Ulrich emerged among the crowd of responding officers, glaring at Von Malice, clenching his hands into fists. Von Malice saw him, gasped, and began to rant, a ten minute monologue aimed at the very man responsible for his imprisonment. There were declarations of war, threats of using the ultimate weapon on Ulrich, and more demands, including that Starbucks keep their pumpkin spice latte on the menu all year.

“Are you done?” Ulrich asked when the mad scientist went silent for a moment.

“There is no such thing as done,” Von Malice said with a characteristic sneer. “Now are you going to get in my way? Because if you do, the fat man gets it, and millions of children will wake up on Christmas without a present.”

“I told you, I’m not Santa,” Argyle protested.

“Shut up!” Von Malice ordered.

Ulrich sighed, shook his head. “Look, Mags….”

“Magnus!” the villain countered, seeming to become more unhinged. “Magnus Von Malice! That is my name, and you will address me in the proper way. For I am the destined master of the world, the greatest mind this world has ever produced. And I will not be disrespected by you of all people! The very man who’s foiled my grand overtures at world domination. What use do I have for the Metallica drummer, after all?”

Witnesses to the confrontation reported that Ulrich seemed more irritated at those words. His voice went low, barely audible, but there nonetheless. “I am not that Lars Ulrich,” he told the mad scientist.

Von Malice seemed puzzled. “Are you sure?”

What happened next was a blur, according to witnesses. One moment von Malice was holding a hostage. The next he was being clobbered and falling across the corridor, deprived of his weapon (later confirmed to be a mock up). And the next after that, Ulrich was tossing him off a second story balcony into a cappuccino stand.

Von Malice was taken away by ambulance, under heavy police guard, heard to be ranting about leviathans in red serge. It was reported that he had sustained several broken ribs in his fall. Inspector Ulrich took his leave of the scene before entertainment reporters could show up and ask if Metallica was doing a Christmas album.

And Fred Argyle, having had endured time as a hostage, held at gunpoint by a gun that wasn’t actually operable, went back to his mall Santa gig, reassuring children that he was perfectly fine, and that no matter what he had said earlier, ‘Fred’ was just an alias Santa used every once in awhile when he wanted to go off to Vegas and didn’t want Mrs. Claus to know.

And so it was that a grouchy lawman saved Christmas. Or close enough, anyway. Though he might be more of the temperament to say ‘get the hell out of my face’ as opposed to ‘Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.’

If I Could Turn Back Time Yet Again

Standard Time Returns; Clocks To Be Reset; Countless People Elated To Soon Have Lost Hour Back

Ottawa (CP). This weekend the clocks go back in much of the country, as Daylight Saving ends and the country returns to Standard Time for the winter (aside from Saskatchewan, which never stops using Standard Time and which doesn’t bother with the twice a year adjustment of clocks). The same applies south of the border in much of the United States. Many people who grumble about losing an hour of sleep in the spring when Daylight Saving starts up will be counting their blessings Saturday night when they get that hour back. Dogs and cats will start their day on Sunday with their internal clock out of balance. Debates will continue as to whether or not to even go back to Daylight Saving time in 2019.

It is a debate being held in other parts of the world. “Fewer jurisdictions are using it,” Theresa Abercrombie, president of the Abolish Daylight Saving Time Society of Canada, told reporters this week. “It’s not used around the equator, for instance, where sunlight times don’t really vary. Asia and Africa? They’re not using it. The European Union has just recently recommending doing away with it. All it does is make us grouchy when we have to switch that clock and lose an hour’s sleep in the spring. Sure, we get that back in the fall, but every time we’re doing this, losing or getting back an hour of time, we’re disrupting ourselves. Come on, people, let’s just get rid of it right now.”

“I’d like to be rid of it,” Arthur Hedley, a retiree in Watertown, New York told this reporter. Hedley recently claimed the world record for biggest private clocks in the world, with a personal collection of 1981 clocks in his home, ranging from alarm clocks to grandfather clocks to cuckoo clocks.  “Do you have any idea how long it takes to switch this many clocks twice a year? The better part of a day, I’ll tell…” He was cut off by the sound of hundreds of cuckoo and grandfather clocks ringing out the eleventh hour of the day at the same time.

Others have their own views on the matter. The singer Cher, always the subject of memes whenever the clocks are switched about turning back time, is in the midst of her 17^th farewell tour titled, The Last Farewell, And This Time I Really Mean It Infinity Plus One Fingers Crossed. “Had I known that song would end up becoming a meme, and then getting used in a way I didn’t expect for that Deadpool sequel, I wouldn’t have recorded it. People are always asking me about it twice a year. Look, it’s not about turning the clocks back and gaining an hour’s time, people. It’s about mistakes and regrets and things you wish you could take back, like swearing that this was going to be my final farewell tour, because let’s face it, it won’t be. Wait, don’t quote me on that.”

Supervillain and mad scientist Magnus von Malice, currently serving time in an Austrian prison for his failed world domination scheme, was uncharacteristically cheerful when reached for comment on the story. “Alas, we cannot truly turn back time, as much as I’d love to. Because if I could, I would go back in time and warn myself about the circumstances that led to my incarceration, and tell myself to kill that interfering Mountie in advance. Still, life is not about regrets. Life is about getting even with those who have wronged you, and about breaking out of prison, and getting revenge, and taking over the world, and…. Wait, don’t quote me on that.”

Another prisoner had a different take on the issue. From a holding cell in Calgary, where she continues to await trial for a series of murders, the accused geriatric former novelist Jessica Fletcher spoke to this reporter earlier this week, while one of her attorneys looked on. “You know, if you’re losing or gaining an hour, that’s the perfect time to kill someone. Because if that hour doesn’t exist anymore, who can prove there was ever a murder? Even if you have a body right in front of you and the murder weapon in the hand of whoever you’ve framed for it? Now then, if it was possible for me to turn back time, I would put two in the head of that insufferable Mountie who’s the reason I’m here today. Oh, he may think he’s gotten the best of me, but time will tell, my dear, I assure you. Time will tell. And in the end I’ll be feasting on Ulrich’s bone marrow. Feasting!”

Fletcher began laughing maniacally, and her attorney cautioned, “Don’t quote her on that.”

The last word belongs to the aforementioned Mountie, the man who brought down both von Malice and Fletcher, the man who has saved the world repeatedly, the man with the gruff and ferocious attitude, and the sheer impatience where entertainment reporters were concerned. This reporter, along with a couple of his colleagues, were curious as to how the legendary Mountie felt about standard time versus daylight saving time. And so we sought out Inspector Lars Ulrich at his detachment in the Alberta foothills. Reassured that we knew full well that he was not the drummer from Metallica, the Inspector agreed to talk. “I don’t like it, never have. I think we should just get rid of it, stick with standard time year round, once and for all.”

There was some hustle and bustle behind us, and this reporter turned to see an overly cheerful and vacant eyed twit barge into the detachment, followed by a cameraman. “Lars! Lars! Great to meet you. Tad Malone, Access Hollywood. With the big switchover this weekend, what everyone wants to know is… will Metallica be recording a heavy metal version of If I Could Turn Back Time with Cher? Because that would be so cool.”

Ulrich stared at Malone, perhaps deciding which bone he wanted to break first. Then he spoke in a low growl. “I am not that Lars Ulrich.”

True to form, Malone looked confused, and then laughed. We real reporters backed out of the way. “Good one, Lars. So, where’s the rest of the band?”

With that, the Inspector charged. Malone turned and started running out the door, realizing for the first time that he had made a mistake. Ulrich followed the entertainment reporter out the door. Witnesses saw the pursuit and heard Malone screaming in a high pitched wail as he was chased into Tombstone Canyon by a cranky Mountie.

Post script to the story: Malone is currently residing in a body cast in a Calgary hospital alongside other recent entertainment reporters who have run afoul of the Inspector. Reportedly he has been heard to mutter incoherent ramblings about ‘death in red serge.’

The Ballad Of A Stable Genius

Stable Genius Becomes Source Of Inspiration, Source Of Ridicule

New York (AP). Questions about the mental stability of the American president in recent days have led Donald Trump to claim he is a “stable genius” and that “my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart.” His remarks have been the subject of ridicule and scorn ever since from all quarters, with some noting that actual geniuses don’t have to say they’re geniuses. His usual assortment of apologists in the White House have been busy on news shows defending their boss and biting their tongues and restraining themselves from rolling their eyes.

Stable genius, meanwhile, has taken on a life of its own in memes, tweets, and other sources of humour since. The Chief Executive of the United States, true to form, has not taken it well, lashing out in tweet storms, insisting on his intelligence and academic credentials, and pointing out to anyone who will listen just how clever he is. “Bigly clever!” Trump tweeted at one point during all the ridicule before moving on to pick a twitter fight with the head of a Swiss orphanage.

The term seems to be inspiring in some ways as well. “We’ve been busy working on a new album,” Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger told reporters as the band was taking a break. Jagger and company, all looking like the ultimate example of what happens when you drink too much and spend too much time indulging in recreational drugs, have spent decades on and off playing the part of the badly behaving rebel, have been preparing for what some are calling the Steel Wheelchair Tour. “We’ve been going back and forth on album titles the whole time… and then he said what he said, and I looked at Keith, and he looked at me, and we both blurted out Stable Geniuses! It’s perfect!”

Another musician, often given to creative warping of another singer’s tune in his own way, is looking to make use of the term. “Stable genius?” parody singer Weird Al Yankovic told reporters at his own studio yesterday. “Just the fact that he said it in the first place is hilarious. So of course I’ve got to write a song centered around the idea of a stable genius and just totally skewer it. I’ve just got to figure out what song to work it into. Do you think Lady Gaga would mind if I messed around with one of her songs?”

Toby Keith, the country singer, professional drinker, cowboy hat wearer, and backer of the GOP, remains oblivious to the notion that the president isn’t the genius he claims to be. “Well, first off, stop making fun of Donald, okay? Second, that phrase is just perfect for a country song. Because we’re all about stables and horses and pick-up trucks and drinkin’ at the bar and all that great stuff, right? So as soon as I’m finished drinkin’ this pack of Coors, I’m writin’ my next big country hit, Stable Genius.”

The phrase has caught flak from some unlikely quarters. Online statements from someone answering to the name SmartyPants2.0 demanded the world stop using the term, claiming to be speaking on behalf of the Sacred Order Of The Stable Geniuses. “We are outraged that people are making fun of the term stable genius, which is so important to us. Simply because that man-child calls himself a stable genius is no reason to treat that term with such ridicule!” the statement read. Subsequent inquiries have determined that the Sacred Order is an enigmatic secret society with more veiled privacy protocols than the Freemasons and the Skull & Bones combined. As a post script, the statement ended with: “… and don’t let that Dan Brown start writing a book about us!”

Super villain and mad scientist Magnus Von Malice, currently imprisoned in Austria after his latest world domination scheme backfired on him, made a statement on the matter when visited by reporters. “First of all, anyone who’s paid any attention to the man knows he’s not a stable genius,” Von Malice remarked. “And I say that as someone who contributed a few million dollars to his campaign. Now then, if you want to see a stable genius, you could look at me, but I’d tell you that you’re wrong. Of course I’m not stable.”

The last word in the matter goes to one of Western society’s more dimwitted cultural figures. The explosion loving director Michael Bay wrote an enthusiastic statement on his Facebook page yesterday. “Stable genius! Great name for a movie, right? I’m thinking film noir classic meets rock n’ country soundtrack meets explosions meets art house cinematic Oscar winner with plenty of explosions. Did I mention the explosions?”

The Last Stand Of A Mad Scientist

You may want to read this previous post to make sense of the following....

Mad Scientist Meets His Doom After Steampunk Rampage

Vienna (AP) The threat of supervillain and mad scientist Magnus von Malice is at an end after nearly two weeks of continued global threats and demands of complete capitulation from the world’s leaders. Von Malice, the deranged graduate of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For The Ethically Challenged, has been known in recent years for world domination attempts, morally reprehensible science experimentation, criminal acts, and self-glorification. He escaped custody from a German prison hospital wing recently, and issued demands to the entire planet of a complete surrender to his rule, among other things.

The days following that initial video demand and narcissistic rant were followed by more video rants, each time spending an hour or so boasting about himself and his “genius mind”, in between seething vows of bloody revenge on Lars Ulrich, the Mountie who had caused him so much trouble. World leaders debated among themselves as to what to do. The French president issued white flags to be flown all over his country. The Russian president was not available for comment. The American president, if you want to call him that, tweeted up a storm. “Fake news! Magnus Von Malice is a great guy! Crooked Hillary and Lyin’ Ted and Franklin Delancey Roosevelt are to blame! Sad!”

At the UN, representatives debated endlessly. Entertainment reporters gossiped among themselves, wondering why a super villain would want the painful death of a heavy metal drummer, not realizing the Lars Ulrich in question was not that heavy metal drummer. They also speculated that sooner or later there would have to be a movie made about the fearsome Magnus Von Malice, but who would be ideal in the part? Carrot Top was the consensus for all of them- yet more proof of why entertainment reporters are pretty dumb.

As to the Mountie himself? Inspector Lars Ulrich, the world’s most dangerous and grouchy lawman, was out of reach. Mounties at his detachment refused to account for his whereabouts. The Canadian government also maintained their silence on the matter. In a detainment facility in Calgary, the former novelist and current murder suspect Jessica Fletcher, facing trial proceedings for multiple murders, issued a statement of her own. “Nobody kills Lars Ulrich but me! Do you understand??? Nobody! I want his head on a pike! His head on a pike!” The lunatic was pulled away from the visitor table at that point by guards, while her attorney told this reporter that everything she said was not to be quoted.

Von Malice, in a more recent video rant, laughed at one point about the absence of Ulrich. “He’s a coward! A coward! He refuses to take the painful death that he surely deserves like a man! But die he will, and at the hands of the greatest genius this world has ever seen! At the hands of Magnus Von Malice!” The supervillain kept laughing at this point for another five minutes, and finally calmed down, facing the camera, smirking. “Let me tell you this. My loathing for Lars Ulrich precedes his ever crossing my path and thwarting my plans! It is a blood feud that spans generations!” The supervillain glared at the screen, his hands clutching at nothing.

“Long ago, my great-grandfather, the esteemed and ruthless scientific genius Gunther Von Malice, an esteemed alumnus of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For The Ethically Challenged, just like me, tried to take over the Canadian West with his giant scorpion machine- which, by the way, happened a full century before that giant spider in Wild Wild West, so don’t talk to me about ripping off a bad movie. And we all know it was a bad movie, because the heroes won! Where was I? Oh, yes, Grandfather Gunther. His schemes were thwarted by another Mountie! Zane Ulrich, the great-great-grandfather of Lars Ulrich! So, you see… it’s personal. Lars Ulrich, you are going to die. Die, die, die, infinity die!”

Yesterday, the supervillain unleashed a path of destruction in the Austrian countryside. Witnesses started making panicked calls about a gigantic steampunk style mechanical scorpion stomping its way through the countryside, unleashing fireballs from its stinger, slamming into homes with its claws. At its controls above its head, behind bulletproof glass, was Magnus Von Malice himself, laughing at the destruction he was causing. Later reports and comparisons to the 19^th century version his ancestor built would confirm that this scorpion was twice as big as the one used by Gunther Von Malice. And for the record- it was still a rip off of Wild Wild West, which this reporter can concede to agree with the supervillain: it is a bad movie.

Von Malice was closing in on Vienna itself, the city of dreams, with its grand architecture at risk, after six hours of shrugging off attempts by the police to slow him down. Finally, with the city itself in sight, his scorpion machine came to a halt, and the supervillain paused to see two familiar figures standing in his path. Both were cranky. Both were exceedingly dangerous. One was a Mountie. The other was a tiny but ferocious dog.

It was Inspector Lars Ulrich. And Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds.

The two had teamed up before, to bring down Von Malice and destroy his time machine. Authorities later confirmed the two were in Europe following leads on their mutual foe and had been summoned by the Austrian government through Interpol. Now they were face to face with a gigantic scorpion and a deranged mad scientist bent on destruction. Witnesses reported that Von Malice blathered on over a loudspeaker about an immediate surrender, and then opened fire with his flame stinger.

Ulrich and Fluffy deftly avoided the fire… and then flanked the scorpion from either side, beginning to ascend the legs. What happened next astonished onlookers, who watched the pair of ferocious grouches go to work systematically destroying Von Malice’s scorpion machine and reduce the mad scientist to a state of tears, blood, bruises, and busted bones. “It’s not fair!” Von Malice managed to gripe as he was loaded into an ambulance under the watch of Austrian police and a pair of victorious grouches. “I was supposed to rule the world!”

In the aftermath of the battle, Von Malice is being monitored under tight security as he heals from bones that have been broken yet again. The French president issued a statement insisting that he really didn’t mean to surrender control of his own country. At the White House, Donald Trump issued statements by Twitter: “Unfair! Very unfair! Magnus treated very badly! I want that Mountie thrown behind the wall I’m having Mexico pay for! Sad! Fake news covfefe!”

The gigantic scorpion machine is beyond repair, something lamented by Disney executives, who mused in the battle’s aftermath about adding it to the five times daily Disney parade in Orlando. The machine itself, shattered and busted, is nearly incomprehensible to most engineers who have had a chance to look at it. “To be honest, when you’re insane like this Von Malice guy is, sometimes you create things that nobody else is going to ever sort out how to get to work,” one told reporters.

As for the victors themselves? They were seen having a drink at a Vienna bar before parting ways. Ulrich returned to Canada and his detachment. Fluffy returned to what he was doing- being the terror of Monster Island. And Carrot Top, reached for comment, said, “Hollywood has got to cast me as this mad scientist. Please, there are loan sharks coming by the end of the day for the 150 grand I owe them, and they’re going to break my legs, man! My legs!”

The Daring Escape Of An Lunatic Scientist

Mad Scientist Escapes Custody, Vows Revenge On Enemies

Berlin (Reuters) The world is reeling from news of the escape from prison of a notorious mad scientist in Germany. Magnus Von Malice, the super villain alumnus of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For The Ethically Challenged, the sociopathic and egomaniacal scientist whose attempts at world domination have run the gauntlet from bringing z-list celebrities back from the dead, stealing million dollar coins, arms dealing, and endless tirades, was arrested several months ago after a previous escape from prison. He and his minions stole a million dollar Canadian coin from a German museum, and Von Malice’s plans and threats against the world were thwarted thanks to the timely intervention of the world’s most relentless lawman.

Von Malice and his associates had been charged with multiple counts and imprisoned pending trial in Germany. Von Malice himself had been spending several months in a body cast after an epic beat down, still recovering in recent weeks while his body was mending. Police are still investigating the means of his escape after a daring breakout achieved by an unknown number of intruders at the hospital wing of the prison where he had been held pending trial.

While Von Malice is on the run, numerous figures around the world have responded to the crisis. Chancellor Merkel seemed dismayed and irritated, which might well be her default setting. “I want answers about how this could have happened,” she told reporters. “How hard is it to keep such a man confined? This man still had broken bones mending! Now he’s out there making threats and making more plans and doing whatever mad scientists do! Do I have to remind you he’s built death rays and interfered with time itself to resurrect pointless celebrities? What else is he capable of?”

Actor- if you want to call him an actor- David Hasselhoff, who was one of the z-list celebrities resurrected by Von Malice, had his own statement on the matter. He was still mending himself, after an altercation with Sharknado co-star Ian Ziering at a promotional event for the latest sequel left the former television heart throb with facial injuries still mending. “People need to just back off and leave Magnus alone!” Hasselhoff said. “He’s not a bad guy! He brought the Hoff back from the dead, after all, and the Hoff being in the world is a great thing!”

Russian president and sometime super villain himself, Vladimir Putin, was evasive about Von Malice when asked if he was giving sanctuary to the mad scientist. “Look, it is very simple, da? One does not give straight answers when one is asked about old poker playing friend and occasional lunatic? Magnus Von Malice may or may not be in Russian territory, da? How should I know? Do you think I know everything that happens in Mother Russia? That would mean I would have spies everywhere reporting on everything, and that is just silly.” He laughed, and not in a good way, but more in the kind of way that made you think he was considering the brutal death of someone who had cut him off in traffic.

The current occupant of the Oval Office (for the moment, anyway) has been busy tweet-screaming at military widows, football players, and pretty much anyone else who’s been irritating him, not to mention contending with looming indictments and the Mueller investigation. And yet that hasn’t stopped him from issuing Twitter statements on the matter. “Manhunt on Magnus very unfair!” Trump wrote at three in the morning yesterday. “Magnus is a very fine guy! Good guy! Gave my campaign lots of money, bigly covfefe!” Another tweet following that noted: “Blame Crooked Hillary and Obama! Lock them up! Lock them up! Fake news!” The tweets that followed that became even less coherent until ending at four thirty with a final one: “Lyin’ Ted hates rabbits!”

In the morning, a press briefing was very brief, with White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders coming in and telling reporters, “The President’s Twitter account was hacked. We believe Hillary Clinton did it, and we are demanding she be arrested and perp walked by the FBI before the entire world. That’s what the president told me to say. Now off the record, if any of you can think of any places that might hire me in a month or two, let me know. I don’t think this job is going to last much longer. Thanks, no questions, bye.”

The supervillain himself made contact with the world at large through a video transmitted from an unknown location. He was sitting in a large arm chair in a comfortably furnished room, petting a ferret. His long black and silver hair was disheveled, and he was dressed in dark slacks and a turtleneck. “People of the world! It is I, the unparalleled genius that is Magnus Von Malice! Only I, the greatest mind this world has ever produced, could have escaped from custody! Only I, the leading figure of the age, could be so audacious! You cannot keep me contained. No one can stop me! For I, Magnus Von Malice, am utterly unstoppable!” He began to laugh, until his face seemed to strain in pain and he clutched his side. “Oh, damn…. My ribs. Still healing up, you see. But that does not matter! For I have demands to make!”

For another thirty minutes, Von Malice went on and on, bragging about himself and his intellect, to the point where one might think he needed to seriously dial back on the ego. Finally he got to the demands. “In the past I have insisted on sole ownership of entire countries and massive amounts of money or I would wreck havoc with the world. You refused. Instead you sent that… policeman after me. Now I will not be satisfied with just getting my hands on France, or turning the people of Denmark into playing the part of my personal chess set. I will not be satisfied with trillions of dollars handed over to me.”

He paused, glared at the screen, petting the ferret. “I will give the governments and the people of the world precisely two weeks from today. You will surrender all control of your countries to me. You will surrender all wealth to me. There is to be no negotiation, no conditions. Only I, Magnus Von Malice, can lead the world forward into the future. I will be satisfied with nothing less than total and complete world domination!” He laughed again, until the pain of mending ribs stopped him. “Ah…. Ah, that’s better. And one more thing. I want that Mountie. I want Lars Ulrich. I want revenge. I want him handed over to me. I want to strap him to a rocket and send him into the sun. You will hand him over to me so that I can end his existence. Is that clear? Welcome to the new age. The Age of Von Malice!” He started laughing, until the ferret leapt out of his hands and started clawing his face. “Owww! Somebody get Hugo off me! Stop that! Stop it, Hugo! Stop! Bad ferret!”

The video ceased at that point. Governments of the world began to debate the demands. The president of France recommended an immediate surrender. The American president tweeted, “Crooked Hillary!” The Russian president looked addled after viewing the rant and was said to have run away to the nearest reinforced bunker. 

And at an RCMP detachment in the Alberta foothills, a gruff Mountie was cautiously approached by reporters for comment. Upon being reassured that the reporters knew full well that he was not that other Lars Ulrich, the Inspector’s glare lessened. “It’s on my to-do list,” Inspector Lars Ulrich simply stated. “1: Find Magnus Von Malice. 2: Kick the crap out of Magnus Von Malice. And 3: make Magnus Von Malice cry. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get at it.” In the opinion of this reporter, Von Malice might be in a world of trouble.