If I Could Turn Back Time Yet Again

Standard Time Returns; Clocks To Be Reset; Countless People Elated To Soon Have Lost Hour Back

Ottawa (CP). This weekend the clocks go back in much of the country, as Daylight Saving ends and the country returns to Standard Time for the winter (aside from Saskatchewan, which never stops using Standard Time and which doesn’t bother with the twice a year adjustment of clocks). The same applies south of the border in much of the United States. Many people who grumble about losing an hour of sleep in the spring when Daylight Saving starts up will be counting their blessings Saturday night when they get that hour back. Dogs and cats will start their day on Sunday with their internal clock out of balance. Debates will continue as to whether or not to even go back to Daylight Saving time in 2019.

It is a debate being held in other parts of the world. “Fewer jurisdictions are using it,” Theresa Abercrombie, president of the Abolish Daylight Saving Time Society of Canada, told reporters this week. “It’s not used around the equator, for instance, where sunlight times don’t really vary. Asia and Africa? They’re not using it. The European Union has just recently recommending doing away with it. All it does is make us grouchy when we have to switch that clock and lose an hour’s sleep in the spring. Sure, we get that back in the fall, but every time we’re doing this, losing or getting back an hour of time, we’re disrupting ourselves. Come on, people, let’s just get rid of it right now.”

“I’d like to be rid of it,” Arthur Hedley, a retiree in Watertown, New York told this reporter. Hedley recently claimed the world record for biggest private clocks in the world, with a personal collection of 1981 clocks in his home, ranging from alarm clocks to grandfather clocks to cuckoo clocks.  “Do you have any idea how long it takes to switch this many clocks twice a year? The better part of a day, I’ll tell…” He was cut off by the sound of hundreds of cuckoo and grandfather clocks ringing out the eleventh hour of the day at the same time.

Others have their own views on the matter. The singer Cher, always the subject of memes whenever the clocks are switched about turning back time, is in the midst of her 17^th farewell tour titled, The Last Farewell, And This Time I Really Mean It Infinity Plus One Fingers Crossed. “Had I known that song would end up becoming a meme, and then getting used in a way I didn’t expect for that Deadpool sequel, I wouldn’t have recorded it. People are always asking me about it twice a year. Look, it’s not about turning the clocks back and gaining an hour’s time, people. It’s about mistakes and regrets and things you wish you could take back, like swearing that this was going to be my final farewell tour, because let’s face it, it won’t be. Wait, don’t quote me on that.”

Supervillain and mad scientist Magnus von Malice, currently serving time in an Austrian prison for his failed world domination scheme, was uncharacteristically cheerful when reached for comment on the story. “Alas, we cannot truly turn back time, as much as I’d love to. Because if I could, I would go back in time and warn myself about the circumstances that led to my incarceration, and tell myself to kill that interfering Mountie in advance. Still, life is not about regrets. Life is about getting even with those who have wronged you, and about breaking out of prison, and getting revenge, and taking over the world, and…. Wait, don’t quote me on that.”

Another prisoner had a different take on the issue. From a holding cell in Calgary, where she continues to await trial for a series of murders, the accused geriatric former novelist Jessica Fletcher spoke to this reporter earlier this week, while one of her attorneys looked on. “You know, if you’re losing or gaining an hour, that’s the perfect time to kill someone. Because if that hour doesn’t exist anymore, who can prove there was ever a murder? Even if you have a body right in front of you and the murder weapon in the hand of whoever you’ve framed for it? Now then, if it was possible for me to turn back time, I would put two in the head of that insufferable Mountie who’s the reason I’m here today. Oh, he may think he’s gotten the best of me, but time will tell, my dear, I assure you. Time will tell. And in the end I’ll be feasting on Ulrich’s bone marrow. Feasting!”

Fletcher began laughing maniacally, and her attorney cautioned, “Don’t quote her on that.”

The last word belongs to the aforementioned Mountie, the man who brought down both von Malice and Fletcher, the man who has saved the world repeatedly, the man with the gruff and ferocious attitude, and the sheer impatience where entertainment reporters were concerned. This reporter, along with a couple of his colleagues, were curious as to how the legendary Mountie felt about standard time versus daylight saving time. And so we sought out Inspector Lars Ulrich at his detachment in the Alberta foothills. Reassured that we knew full well that he was not the drummer from Metallica, the Inspector agreed to talk. “I don’t like it, never have. I think we should just get rid of it, stick with standard time year round, once and for all.”

There was some hustle and bustle behind us, and this reporter turned to see an overly cheerful and vacant eyed twit barge into the detachment, followed by a cameraman. “Lars! Lars! Great to meet you. Tad Malone, Access Hollywood. With the big switchover this weekend, what everyone wants to know is… will Metallica be recording a heavy metal version of If I Could Turn Back Time with Cher? Because that would be so cool.”

Ulrich stared at Malone, perhaps deciding which bone he wanted to break first. Then he spoke in a low growl. “I am not that Lars Ulrich.”

True to form, Malone looked confused, and then laughed. We real reporters backed out of the way. “Good one, Lars. So, where’s the rest of the band?”

With that, the Inspector charged. Malone turned and started running out the door, realizing for the first time that he had made a mistake. Ulrich followed the entertainment reporter out the door. Witnesses saw the pursuit and heard Malone screaming in a high pitched wail as he was chased into Tombstone Canyon by a cranky Mountie.

Post script to the story: Malone is currently residing in a body cast in a Calgary hospital alongside other recent entertainment reporters who have run afoul of the Inspector. Reportedly he has been heard to mutter incoherent ramblings about ‘death in red serge.’