Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Showing posts with label Texas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Texas. Show all posts

Monday, February 22, 2021

South Of The Border, Down Mexico Way

Ted Cruz Self-Quarantining After Cancun Trip During State Disaster; Sam Houston Rolls Over In Grave

Washington (AP). In a year that has already seen the bizarre and promises more of the same, the polarizing junior senator from the state of Texas is in a world of trouble. More so than usual. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is well known as something of a volatile politician, climate change denier, source of controversy, and apologist for the former president (who incidentally is presently exiled at Mar-a-Lago and promising 'revenge bigly' on the planet). Cruz, often suspected of being the Zodiac Killer, made headlines recently for his latest gaffe: jetting off for a vacation to Cancun with his wife and daughters.

While his home state of Texas became frozen by a winter storm that took down the power grid and affected millions of Texans.


It's been a difficult year for the world. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to loom over all. It's especially hit hard in the United States, where the policies of the previous administration seemed to exasperate the issue. Deep divisions run rampant in the country, personified in the January 6th invasion of the Capitol by Trump supporters. President Biden is working to repair the damage left behind by the Trump administration. And Cruz, true to form, has been an obstructionist since the dawn of the new administration.

And then Mother Nature came along.


Winter has been a hard one in many parts of North America. Some of those places are used to hard winters. Others are not. The state of Texas was slammed by a storm that tracked its way across much of the continent. In its wake was a deep cold, ice, bursting pipes, and the collapse of the power grid. Millions of the state's residents have been affected in one way or another. Over four million were left without power. Millions more were cut off from access to drinking water. 

And in the midst of all this, Ted Cruz jetted off to Cancun with his wife Heidi and their daughters Caroline and Catherine, leaving the state behind at the worst possible moment.


Natural disasters can be a boon or a nightmare for a politician. Competence and concern can lead to the former. Incompetence the latter. The conventional wisdom suggests that you ensure responders have the resources they need, show up and tour the damage, talk to people affected, show some concern... and don't commit a gaffe. Conventional wisdom also suggests that taking a vacation while your constituency is suffering is a really, really bad thing.


And yet Cruz and the family headed to Cancun for some time in the sun regardless. Dogged by controversy, Cruz returned days ago to much furor as Texans fought to cope with the disaster. Claiming that he wanted to be a good dad to his daughters and give them a break, figuratively throwing them under the bus for his own stupid decision, Cruz was seen walking through an airport, spoke briefly to reporters, wearing a mask for what seems to be the first time since Covid started. How long has that been again?


And so the recriminations are being tossed back and forth. Cruz and his family are engaged in the standard fourteen day quarantine after their vacation was so rudely interrupted by a nasty winter storm. People are demanding that he resign. Other political figures picked up the slack during his absence and undertook measures to help Texans trying to cope with the current state of things. Power companies are making excuses about their own incompetence.


Cruz has admitted that the vacation was a mistake. One wonders why he didn't see that in advance. But Ted Cruz has often shown an appalling lack of judgment in pretty much everything in life, along with an obliviousness to anything beyond himself. A man who blames his vacation on his daughters isn't much of a man.


In the aftermath, Cruz has become an object of ridicule and scorn online and beyond, with memes depicting him in various settings toting a luggage bag. More scorn than usual, because to be perfectly clear, it's pretty easy to make fun of Ted Cruz, since he routinely offers no shortage of inspiration in that regard pretty much every single day of the year.


Has his luck run out? That is the question. Cruz has managed to spend a career getting himself into trouble and offering half hearted mea culpas after the fact. He has spent years living with the absurd suspicion that he is, in fact, the Zodiac Killer (note to readers: he's not). His supporters have overlooked those gaffes. But now, in the wake of a devastating winter storm that has left many of them suffering, how forgiving are they willing to be of a man who decided time in the sun was more important than living up to his responsibilities? Time will tell.


The Republican party at the national level has enough problems these days. One of their own being tone deaf to reality doesn't help... especially when so many of the rest of them have the same terrible affliction. Even so, CancunGate presents the GOP with another problem to the mountain of problems. What do you do with a Ted Cruz when he's outlived his usefulness and his own state is screaming for his blood?


To be fair, it must be tough for Ted Cruz to be Ted Cruz right now. Seeing protestors outside his home every day during his quarantine demanding that he resign. Seeing the looks on the faces of his daughters, who know that he tried to cast them as the reason for the vacation and deflect responsibility for his own dumbassery. It's a lonely place to be in.

In closing, a psychic in Dallas reported making contact with the spirit of the legendary Texas leader Sam Houston yesterday. Madame Ballard The All Seeing, as she calls herself, reported that Houston was not impressed by the current situation. "To use his precise words about the senator, Houston exclaimed, 'he's an asshole!'"

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

A Maverick Governor Comes Clean

Have a peek over at my photoblog by clicking at the right, since the first day of the month is a theme day for City Daily Photo, and I've got my take on the theme of Shelter.

A few days back, Governor Rick Perry (R-Texas/ Mordor) stepped out of the race for the Republican nomination. This might explain the reason why, in a speech the Governor really ought to make (just to see the looks on everyone's faces, come on, Rick). Incidentally, I'm going to have to give Texas a wide berth after this one.


“Thanks for that big ol’ Texas greetin’, folks. Feels like I’m comin’ home, by tarnation, seein’ so many Lone Star State people out here tonight. Lots of guns and Stetsons and boots and guns and did I mention the guns? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwww!!!!!

Okay, so it didn’t work out. I ran again for the nomination, and, well... this time it didn’t work again. Last time out the party thought runnin’ with a guy named Mitt would be a good idea. And we all know how that worked out. Oh, and there’s the whole problem with me puttin’ my foot in my mouth and not knowing a third thing to think about in an answer. Hey, it happens to all of us. Brain ice... no, wait, brain freeze. It happens. Just happened to me at the worst possible time in a debate, but we can’t change the past now, can we? So no, it didn’t work out that time.

This time? Well, if we thought last time was a circus, this was all the more so. Instead of Jeb and Marco and Santorum- by the way, on the record, Santorum’s a pompous sidewindin’ jerk- we got a loudmouth blowhard- no, not Christie, though that bastard is also a blowhard. No, I’m talkin’ ‘bout Trump, partner. Yeah, that orange New York loud talkin’ snake turned all this into a real circus.


Didn’t help that we already had a crowded field. Jeb and Marco and Ted and Santorum and the Huck and that Carson guy and Carly Fiorina and Christie and Walker and the rest of us. And then the other clowns in the field- Sarah and Michele comin’ outta nowhere with this whole double team goin’ for the nomination, and Hulk Hogan throwin’ his bandanna in the ring and cripplin’ Trump. Nobody was payin’ me the slightest bit of attention, no sir. Three months I went with not so much as a question from a reporter. Hell, could’ve been worse. Bobby Jindal announced he was runnin’ and then disappeared into some quicksand pit, or got eaten by coyotes, or maybe he got caught in that there Bermuda triangle.


Well, there ain’t no room in that circle for a Texas maverick like good ol’ Rick Perry, no sir. Turns out the party head honchos think a circus is perfectly fine and a maverick cowboy ain’t. That’s to be expected. They don’t want Texas mavericks in the White House no more, no sir! Not after Dubya. What I’ve seen over these last years is that we Texans aren’t respected by the rest of the country. Those elites out there in Washington sneer at us. Yankees laugh at us and make fun of us. Californians think we’re crazy. I just gotta say... no one disrespects Texas.

So it’s done. Those high falutin’ party head honchos don’t ‘preciate Texas. They don’t respect Texas. And so no more makin’ a bid for President of the United States of ‘Merica for Rick Perry. That don’t mean I can’t be President... of an independent secessionist Republic of Texas! Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaww!!!!!!!


Now think on it, y’all. What has ever trustin’ those feds gotten us? It’s gotten us war games bein’ practiced on our soil as an underhanded cheatin’ way of takin’ us over and takin’ away our guns! And just ‘cause that didn’t happen this time don’t mean it ain’t ever gonna happen, right? It’s gotten us no end of disrespect, and like I said, no one disrespects Texas! We’re the land of God and guns and apple pie and tumbleweeds and crazy weather. We started out as an independent republic, by hell and high water, and we can go back that way. Once our great founder Sam Houston kicked Santa Anna in the seat of his pants, we set our own course. We were proud, loud, and brash, and it took time ‘fore the ’Merican government let us in as a state. So I say we go back and be independent again. As one country, one united Texas! Y’all, I’m runnin’ for the President of Texas! Yeeeehaaaaawww!!!!

Yeah, cheer like that! It’s what we’ve always wanted! A country of our own. Just with a better endin’ than Braveheart, ‘cause between you and me, I don’t want to end up gettin’ drawn and quartered and my head chopped off.


So as of right now, we show everyone we mean business. They ain’t gonna have ol’ Texas to kick around and make fun of, no sir. They’re gonna learn some respect, or they’re gonna learn the consequences. No one messes with Texas! Am I right? Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaawwww!!!!!!

We’re gonna ride hard and shoot off our rifles and show them we’re serious. After all, we don’t want no interferin’ with the way we do things down here, no sir! We’re Texans, and we’re doin’ Texas proud! And when we’re done....

When we’re done....


Wait.

No.

You know what? I can’t do this anymore. I’ve taken this whole thing as far as it can go.

It’s time to come clean.

Time for everyone to know the truth.

Particularly about why my voice just dropped that Texas accent.

The truth is pretty simple. You see, I’m not Rick Perry.


My name is Richard Perry. And I wasn’t born in Texas. I’m from Pennsylvania. Born and raised. Thirty years ago I made a fifty dollar bet with a friend- that I could pass myself off as a born and bred Texan, play the part of a maverick local, and rise all the way to become governor. Jack didn’t think enough Texans would be dumb enough for me to pull it off, but hey, you proved him wrong and voted me back into office repeatedly.

So I spent thirty years carefully crafting my legend, so to speak, building my background up as a Texas boy, working on my story. I wasn’t born to Texas cotton farmers. No, my parents were Alex and Tess Perry of Lancaster. Dad was a lawyer, Mom was in real estate. The people I passed off as my parents were just paid actors in a grand performance piece that’s been playing out for thirty years.


Until now, the only other person still alive who knew the truth is my wife Anita. I mean, it’s kind of hard to lie to your spouse for thirty years, so of course she knew. She found the whole idea amusing, actually. Not so amusing, I’d think, if I’m looking at my chief of staff right now, who looks like he’s having a heart attack.

Well, I know you all must feel pretty angry with me right now. I’ve spent thirty years carefully working to the point where I could make fools of you. But it was worth it. Best fifty dollar bet I ever made. Though I think I’d better exit stage right. Like I said earlier... some of you have guns, and a lot of you look pissed off. In closing, I’ll just say two things. First, Jack, I’m expecting the fifty bucks plus interest over thirty years delivered to me by week’s end.

Second, to the people of Texas, I can only say.... nyah nyah nyah nyah!”

Saturday, June 6, 2015

My Welcome To Texas Has Been Revoked

Some links before getting started today. Norma had posts on burglars and artistry. Eve had a poem. Shelly had an update from the dog's point of view. Mark wrote about a writer's retreat. 

Now then, today I have something that will probably come back to haunt me someday (visions of Texas Rangers- and not the baseball team- kicking my ass come to mind). On the one hand, Texas has been suffering as of late due to the weather. On the other... more than a few Texans seem to think that military exercises equal an invasion, and are coming across as out of their minds. This image blog therefore is my response. Enjoy!