The Wrath Of The Downton Abbey Fans

Two Films On Period Drama Collide; Sparks And Explosions Fly

Los Angeles (AP) For several years, the period drama Downton Abbey captivated audiences on both sides of the Atlantic. Set in the 1920s and telling the story of the lives, both upstairs and downstairs, in an English manor, the series developed a loyal audience as it wove the tangled stories of the aristocracy and those working for them against the backdrop of history. Creator Julian Fellowes, esteemed by the audience for his work, has been carefully developing a feature film following up the series and featuring a number of the characters from the series. The film is due to be released in September. This reporter, who watched one episode once and was bored out of his mind, will not be taking it in (editor: you don’t have a mind!)

And yet another Downton Abbey film saw seen the light in 2015, opening to savage reviews by critics. Downton Abbey: Blowing Up The Abbey was brought to life by director Michael Bay, known for a series of logic ignoring, explosion prone, loud and noisy preposterous films (editor: drop dead! Michael Bay is a great director!) such as Pearl Harbor and the Transformers franchise. This reporter, unfortunately stuck with a grouchy editor with anger management issues (editor: shut up!) and who doesn’t respect restraining orders (editor: what did I just say about shutting up?) has been condemned to doing stories his cranky editor knows he won’t like (editor: burn in hell, you jackass!).

The Bay take on the franchise didn’t feature any of the series cast. Nor was it filmed at Highclere, the setting that doubled for the manor in the series. Strenuously refused by Lord and Lady Carnarvon to allow filming, Bay instead rendered his version of Highclere in a CGI form and had sets built to resemble the interior. It was a production plagued by problems, delays, and death threats by fans who were furious by what Bay might do to their beloved franchise. Fellowes and fellow producers Gareth Neames and Rebecca Eaton stressed that Bay had swindled his way into making his adaptation, and officially disavowed the project.

None of this mattered to Bay, who never met an explosion he didn’t like (editor: you’re just jealous of a great movie auteur like Michael Bay!). His cast was mis-cast to say the least. Nicolas Cage played Robert Crawley, the Earl of Grantham. Shia LaBeouf played Matthew Crawley, the heir. Betty White had been cast as the Dowager Countess. Megan Fox appeared as Lady Mary Crawley. Jon Voight took the role of Thomas Barrow. And Steve Buscemi appeared as the valet John Bates. Any effort to use British accents was ignored in a film that went out of its way to have Jon Voight kick King George V in the ass before sending a freight train into runaway mode and destroying the manor. The film nonetheless did big box office among Bay fans, while attracting the wrath of actual Downton fans, who protested outside of showings.

“500 million dollars,” Bay said with a smirk when reached at his offices at Digital Domain this week. As always he looked himself- the casual clothing, the three days of stubble, the disheveled hair, the dimwitted grin, the vacant eyes suggesting nothing much was going on in his head (editor: shut up! Stop disrespecting Michael Bay!) “Let’s see those boring-ass idiots Fellowes and company make five hundred million out of their little film.”

Dame Maggie Smith, having had returned to her popular role as the sardonic Dowager Countess, has always been less than impressed with Bay. “He is an odious little troll, a self-absorbed waste of oxygen, a buffoon, and a bloody fool. And that’s me being kind,” she told this reporter from the set of the new film.

The new film, having largely wrapped up its filming time at Highclere and reunited much of the cast, gives hope to the fans of the series who were so incensed by the Bay adaptation. Penelope Hampshire, president of the Downton Abbey Worldwide Fan Association and a professor of history at Oxford, admitted in a phone call that the devoted fans of the series were outraged at the time. “You take an uncultured nitwit like Michael Bay and let him loose on something we love so dearly, what do you expect? Oh, certainly, for a time there was a bounty on his head, but that just reflects how strong our feelings are for the series. Yes, the bounty on him is long gone, but that doesn’t mean all is forgiven. Frankly, if he was clinging to the edge of a cliff and calling for help, I might be inclined to step on his fingers.”

For a last word on the matter, we turn back to Bay himself. “Oh, sure, I wish them all well. Let them make the five grand a bunch of old grannies will pay to see the movie in the first weekend before it closes to abysmal numbers. That’ll give me a chance to start production on a sequel. I’m thinking of setting it in World War Two and calling it Downton Ruins. Luftwaffe bombers, people! Luftwaffe bombers!”

In the opinion of this reporter, Michael Bay is nuts. (editor: restraining order be damned, I will end you.)

This reporter would like to point out that his cranky editor has just threatened his life yet again. Surely this qualifies as a violation of that restraining order (editor: you are dead, man! Dead!).

The Night Of The Spamming Dead

Well, I am back up and running at Facebook, though this is not the end of it as far as I am concerned. Norma wrote about the Facebook debacle as a follow up, as well as something new this morning done in the style of our fake newspage The International Intruder. My blogging friend Shelly has now been suspended by Facebook, hence the whole not the end of it as far as I'm concerned. And yesterday was a Friday, so Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday post, one that left me rather bothered.

Now then, let's get to it, shall we?

The common scammer and spammer (homo spammeritis annoyingus) never seems to take a hint. We don't care about knockoff Gucci bags or time share vacations. We don't believe their assurances that their get rich quick scheme out of some corner of Africa is absolutely above the board. And yet that doesn't stop them from infesting our spam comment folders, or turning up in junk email. Below we have two such examples, one very short, and another a classic variation on Ye Olde Nigerian Spammer.

Today, while I was at work, my sister stole my iphone

and tested to see if it can survive a thirty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is entirely off topic but I had to share it with someone!

With due respect to your person and much sincerity of purpose, I make this contact

with you as I believe that you can be of great assistance to me. My name is Mr. Mr.Abdoul Aziz ibrahim, from Ouagadougou Republic of BURKINA FASO , West Africa . Presently I work in the African development Bank as telex manager. I have been searching for your contact since you left our country some years ago.

I do not know whether this is your correct email address or not because I only used
your name initials to search for your contact .In case you are not the person I am
supposed to contact, please see this as a confidential message and do not reveal it to
another person but if you are not the intended receiver, do let me know whether you
can be of assistance regarding my proposal below because it is top secret.

I am about to retire from active Bank service to start a new life but I am sceptical
to reveal this particular secret to a stranger. You must assure me that everything
will be handled confidentially because we are not going to suffer again in life.

It has been 10 years now that most of the greedy African Politicians used our bank to
launder money overseas through the help of their Political advisers. Most of the funds
which they transferred out of the shores of Africa were gold and oil money that was
supposed to have been used to develop the continent. Their Political advisers always
inflated the amounts before transfer to foreign accounts so I also used the
opportunity to divert part of the funds hence I am aware that there is no official
trace of how much was transferred as all the accounts used for such transfers were
being closed after transfer.

I acted as the Bank Officer to most of the politicians and when I discovered that they
were using me to succeed in their greedy act; I also cleaned some of their banking
records from the Bank files and no one cared to ask me because the money was too much
for them to control. They laundered over $5b Dollars during the process .As I am
sending this message to you, I was able to divert thirty five million united state
dollars ($35m) to an escrow account belonging to no one in the bank. The bank is
anxious now to know who the beneficiary to the funds is because they have made a lot
of profits with the funds.

It is more than Eight years now and most of the politicians are no longer using our
bank to transfer funds overseas. The ($35) Million Dollars has been LAYING waste but I
don't want to retire from the bank without transferring the funds to a foreign account
to enable me share the proceeds with the receiver. The money will be shared 60% for me
and 40% for you.

There is no one coming to ask you about the funds because I secured everything. I only
want you to assist me by providing a bank account where the funds can be transferred.
You are not to face any difficulties or legal implications as I am going to handle the
transfer personally. If you are capable of receiving the funds, do let me know
immediately to enable me give you DETAILED information on what to do.

For me, I have not stolen the money from anyone because the other people that took the
whole money did not face any problems. This is my chance also to grab my own but you
must keep the details of the funds secret to avoid any leakages as no one in the bank
knows about the funds.

Please get back to me if you are interested and capable to handle this project

I shall intimate you on what to do when I hear from your confirmation and acceptance.
If you are capable of being my trusted associate, do declare your consent to me.

Waiting for your urgent response.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Mr.Abdoul Aziz ibrahim

And I'm back again. Let's see, as to the first, what can we say? Having your phone (or is it an ipad? You said both iphone and ipad) dropped and destroyed by your sister isn't off topic. You wouldn't go share that with a total stranger, you'd be annoyed, and rightfully so. No, it never happened, you're just desperately trawling for anyone to click on the link that came after that comment. Note that I didn't actually include your link, spamming spammer.

As to the second, well we have the standard horrible grammar, wrong punctuation, and bad wording of your average Nigerian spammer (by way of Burkina Faso). At least this one doesn't pull the "doing the good work of the Lord" charitable cause angle. Abdoul seems to think I left his country a few years ago. Abdoul, I hate to tell you this, but that would imply I was ever in your country. Or that I would ever want to be. While there are parts of Africa I would love to see, somehow Burkina Faso doesn't make that list.

He's playing off the greedy politician angle hoping to rile up some outrage, and suggests our partnership can screw them over by diverting some of their money to us (in united state money). 35 million bucks, split sixty forty. Uh huh. Sure. Yeah. Right. I'll believe whatever you say, Abdoul.

And if you believe that, Abdoul, or whatever your real name is, I've got a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. It goes nicely with the ocean front property in Saskatchewan. Where you'll be served cocktails by our good friends the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot. The Abominable Snowman is taking the winter off.

Michael Bay Sets Downton Abbey On Fire

Some links before getting started. Norma had posters on her mind. Yesterday being a Friday, Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday. Cheryl had a crime blotter post at her page. Shelly had an update on one of her dogs. Eve had news on two poetry anthologies. Lorelei had thoughts on writing. And the Whisk had a Friday question.

Now then, something entirely different today, and you might want to check this earlier post for a reference as to where this all started. By the way, I've never seen one episode of Downton Abbey. I'm expecting to get raked over the coals for this one.

Self Absorbed Director Releases Downton Abbey Adaptation; Millions Outraged

Los Angeles (AP) Michael Bay, the high octane explosion worshipping director behind such films as Armageddon and Pearl Harbor, released his latest film over the weekend, after much delay and many threats from devoted fans of the original series he has wrecked havoc with. Downton Abbey: Blowing Up The Abbey was meant to be released in December 2013, but was pushed back repeatedly while the director continued to film and deal with threats from fans of the television show outraged that he was manhandling their franchise.

The producers of the show, Julian Fellowes and Gareth Neame, have insisted all along that Bay swindled rights to make a film, and have vehemently disavowed any connection to the project, stressing that they continue to tell the story of the aristocratic Crawleys and their servants in the ongoing series with the dignity and gravitas that the tale requires. “We would never associate ourselves with that vile explosion-prone imbecile,” Neame told reporters.

“Indeed,” Fellowes agreed. “We would like to add that while we get to film at Highclere Castle, the Carnarvon family strictly forbade any film crew from Michael Bay to even step onto the grounds. They safeguard the dignity and history of Highclere with great concern, and want nothing to do with Michael Bay either.”

Bay shrugged that off in a press conference held at Digital Domain’s offices in Los Angeles. He appeared before a crowd of reporters, looking smug and entirely too pleased with himself. “Look, just because those fusspot Brits say I can’t film inside that fancy-ass castle doesn’t mean there aren’t ways around that, right? I mean, a lot of people tour that place every year, and if I happen to send a couple of guys with small video cameras in on a tour, and if they happen to film enough that I can build sets and do some CGI green screen tricks to essentially have a virtual Highclere Castle turn up in my film, so much the better.” He smiled as if thinking he had outsmarted the world.

The film itself has enraged critics, fans of the show, British society, the Royal Family, PBS, and pretty much anyone with a working brain. For a time hardcore Downton fans had a fifty million dollar bounty out on Bay, until cooler heads prevailed. Critics tore the film apart, citing its disregard for the social commentary of the source material, the history of Britain, and the class structure in favour of a high octane explosion filled thriller involving a runaway train filled with dynamite on a collision course with destiny. The casting outraged everyone, starting with the leads, featuring Nicolas Cage as Robert Crawley, the Earl of Grantham. Shia LaBeouf had been cast as Matthew Crawley, heir to the estate. 

Betty White took Maggie Smith’s place as the Dowager Countess. She told reporters, "you know, I've always hated that ****er Maggie Smith, so this is one ****ing good way to rub her face in it." Megan Fox was cast as Lady Mary Crawley, looking perpetually confused. Other key cast members included Jon Voight as underbutler Thomas Barrow and Steve Buscemi as Lord Grantham’s valet John Bates. None of the American cast even bothered trying to use British accents, though at one point Cage can be heard to say, “Tea time! Cup of Earl Grey, Daddio.”

The fact that the film features Voight kicking King George V (as played by Dana Carvey) in the butt has infuriated the British Royal Family. “We are not amused,” a statement was issued from Buckingham Palace on behalf of the Queen. “And we would remind Mr. Bay that the Tower of London can easily be returned to its old use as a prison.”

Aside from Bates being a hero of sorts, Barrow being a conniving bastard, and the Dowager Countess being a cranky old bat, there is little in the film that reflects the television show. None of the intricate and complicated relationships that fans treasure can be found in the movie. Instead we have a two and a half hour nonsensical plotline about a freight train running out of control in the English countryside, loaded with explosives, and ultimately putting Downton Abbey, its residents, and staff in danger. This reporter feels it’s not spoiling the movie to say it ends in a massive explosion with the manor destroyed, carnage everywhere, and Shia LaBeouf torn in half by a runaway locomotive. Unfortunately that last part only applies to the movie, not to the actor, who continues to get parts in Michael Bay films and continues to endlessly refer to himself in the third person for no reason whatsoever.

Bay shrugged when asked why he would so desecrate a beloved television series, and laughed. “Oh, come on, who honestly watches that show? My audience doesn’t watch it. They want to see explosions, explosions, and more explosions. Fast vehicles moving fast, hot babes waxing them while barely dressed, and we had the Megan Fox factor in place for that. I mean, the box office proves me right, am I right or am I right?” Indeed, the film took first place this weekend in box office totals, with drooling Michael Bay fans cheering endlessly while explosion after explosion dominated the screen. All the while, outside theatres, Downton fans picketed and protested. Bay seemingly could care less. “What can I say? I know my audience.”

We leave the final word to Penelope Hampshire, president of the Downton Abbey Worldwide Fan Association and founder of the Free John Bates Now movement that started up when the character was imprisoned for a time on the show. “This repugnance that Michael Bay calls a film is a desecration to Downton Abbey,” she told reporters from her office at Oxford, where she is a faculty member teaching English history. “He is an awful, awful man, and an insult to everyone who loves the show. I strongly urge in the most strenuous terms that every true Downton fan not to see this film. Don’t put so much as one pound in the pocket of Michael Bay.”

She paused for a long moment, and added, “And Mr. Bay, I would advise you that there are many of us out there, and we’re very angry with you. I suggest you keep looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life, sir.”

Vengeance Of The Downton Abbey Fanatics

I am so dead for writing this one... just thought I ought to say it in advance.

Director Announces Plan For Downton Abbey Film Adaptation; Television Show Fans And Stars Outraged

London (Reuters) Director Michael Bay, who has brought such films as Armageddon, The Rock, and the Transformers franchise to the big screen with his trademark quick queasycam edits and loud explosions, has picked up the film rights to adapt the popular television series Downton Abbey, broadcast in ITV in Great Britain and on PBS in the United States. The series, which tells the stories of an aristocratic family and their servants in the English countryside in the post Edwardian era, has become renowned and beloved by its fans, who enjoy the sterling cast, the intricate storylines tying into history, and the complex relationships of the characters. The fans of the series have given the show a life of its own, and have become fiercely loyal towards it. The notion of Bay getting the rights to make a film adaptation have, to put it mildly, horrified Downton fandom.

Show creators Julian Fellowes and Gareth Neame worked to distance themselves from the project. “Unfortunately Mr. Bay used deceit and treachery to get his hands on the film rights. We are as outraged by this turn of events as our many fans, and can only encourage them, when the time comes, to avoid seeing this adaptation,” a joint statement to the press declared.

Cast members are shocked. Dame Maggie Smith, who plays the Dowager Countess of Grantham on the show, was annoyed when reached by reporters. “Michael Bay is a horrible director. The man believes that a string of endless explosions and loud noise constitutes a film. He must be stopped. He is a menace, and he has to be stopped. For the good of all that Downton Abbey is, he cannot be allowed to proceed.”

Cast members Hugh Bonneville, Elizabeth McGovern, and Michelle Dockery were all in agreement. “This is ludicrous,” Bonneville told reporters on the set of the show in Hampshire. “If this project was going to be going to an outside director, we all expected someone credible, like a Ken Branagh or a David Yates, to come in and direct." 

"Instead this miscreant comes in and steals the film rights,” Dockery added.

McGovern shook her head in dismay. “And this is why I avoid Hollywood like the plague. Someone like this has no right to be manhandling such a special piece of work.”

Across the world, chapters of Downton Abbey fan groups have been rising up since the news was announced. Through the viral nature of social media on Facebook or Twitter, groups calling themselves Save Downton or Stop Michael Bay From Destroying Our Downton have sprung up quickly, gathering more followers by the hour, announcing escalating bounties on the head of Michael Bay.

As for the director himself? Bay met with reporters in New York, looking entirely pleased with himself. “Before I say anything else, I’d really like to thank my plastic surgeon for making me look so good, and my hairdresser who gets my hair just right and always knows how to give me that just enough stubble look that I love so much, and the people who help me get my tan just right. Don’t I just look fabulous?”

The press brought to his attention the matter at hand, and Bay shrugged it off. “You know, I know there are a lot of fans out there of the television show who think I’m going to make mistakes in bringing this thing to the big screen. I’d like to set their worries to rest. I won’t be using the cast of the show. For one thing, they’ve all threatened my life, and I don’t like working with casts who hate me that much. So, I’m going with a total new cast. I’m thinking Shia LeBeouf has to be the main character. After all, most other actors won’t work with me twice for some reason that I can’t quite figure out, but Shia likes working with me. And none of this cranky old British chippie  either. “ Bay said that with a Cheshire-cat grin.

“American audiences want American actors, so we’re going to have, oh, let’s say, Betty White playing that dowager Countess whatever you call it. And while we’re at it, I don’t know about you, but I find all that English chatter stuff that goes on in all these period dramas really, really boring. Too much talking, not enough explosions. And not enough barely clad women waxing cars. And not enough rock music underscore. And not enough explosions. Did I mention I want explosions? So what we’ll be doing is very simple. We’re going to set aside all that British chattering and telling the story of a runaway steam train that’s doomed to collide with the Abbey house by the end of the film. And Jon Voight’s going to appear somewhere in it, because I always have to have a Jon Voight appearance in my films. Maybe I’ll have him kicking the King in his royal ass. And we’ll have lots of explosions along the way. That’s the story I want to tell. Take that, Maggie Smith!”

Reporters were stunned into a horrified silence at the statement by Bay, who left to get his facial stubble trimmed. The film is being timed for a Christmas 2013 release, and has been given the working title Downton Abbey: Burning Down The Abbey.

The bounty on Michael Bay’s head has grown since the statement to surpass the thirty million dollar mark.