The Fiasco At Ten Downing

Outgoing Prime Minister Continues To Make Fool Of Himself, Few Surprised

London (Reuters) The last few months have been eventful in British politics. Following a series of scandals, gaffes, resignations of ministers, and other acts of perennial stupidity from the Prime Minister, what was long overdue actually happened. Boris Johnson, the accident and gaffe prone moron who fumbled his way into 10 Downing Street after driving the country over the edge of the Brexit cliff, is resigning.

Not quite yet, anyway. Like a bad funky locker room gym bag sort of smell, he has a way of lingering too long. He's staying on until the British Tories can choose a new leader. As opposed to having the grace and tact to depart quietly with his dignity intact. That, of course, would imply he had the sense to do so- and of course he has no dignity left.

Johnson has been raked over the coals for multiple issues, including his mismanagement of the response to the pandemic, as well as his cheerleading of the Brexit movement and the fallout of that debacle. He's had a tendency going back all the way to his earliest days in political life of being accident prone, breaking bones in falls, and generally making himself look like a fool.

It's been rumoured that the Queen despises him. Her Majesty would never say, of course, but a call was made from the Palace to Johnson's Chief of Staff last year expressing that Johnson was persona non grata at any Royal property for any reason.

"She's too kind," Cambridge professor Cedric Appleton told this reporter. "The man is an oaf. How he got this far in life is a mystery. It would be within her power to have him imprisoned in the Tower of London for the rest of his life. Two hundred years back she could have had him sent to Australia with the rest of the convicts, far enough away that no one would have ever heard of him again. Too bad we don't live in that kind of world. Oh, to my Australian colleagues: sorry for the stereotyping."

Word has it from Ten Downing insiders that Johnson is not taking his decision to leave well. "There's crying, there's smashing of china, there's excessive drinking. Kind of like every day before the resignation, but ramped up by ten," a staff member speaking on anonymity told this reporter. "Oh, and there's tripping on the rugs. More so than usual. Maybe he's figuring that if he hurts himself and breaks his leg, he won't be carted out when the leadership count is made."

Boris die-hard fans aren't happy. "He led us to the promised land!" Mick Carter said outside a Sheffield pub. "No more European Union! We get to do what we want when we want. He said it was going to be paradise! Who'd have thought he'd end up being so wrong? I voted for Brexit three times and we got it and now I can't go to the south of France whenever I want and my job as a chimney sweep went up in smoke."

This reporter asked, "Are you aware you just admitted to voter fraud?"

"When?" Carter asked.

"When you said you voted for Brexit three times."

"I did?"

The previous prime minister, herself the very essence of ineptness, pushed out of the way after scandals and incompetence of her own, seemed amused by it all. "I told all of them what would happen if you let that dumbass waltz into Ten Downing," Theresa May remarked to reporters this week with a rather smug smile on her face. "This is the same chap who screwed up the country with Brexit, and you let him become Prime Minister?" She laughed. "I do say, there's a certain glee in being proved right."

Who might succeed Johnson- if only to be annihilated in the next election? The candidates have been whittled down to two: Foreign Secretary Liz Truss and former Chancellor Rishi Sunak. Neither of whom are that inspiring, and both of whom seem to know that disaster looms in the future for their party, even if they won't admit to it.

Meanwhile, the Labour Party, with new leadership, seeks to take advantage in the next election- whenever that may be.

As for Johnson himself, he met with reporters this week outside Ten Downing, looking as rumpled and befuddled as ever. "Ladies and gentlemen of the press, we have much left to do. I know I've said I'm leaving when the party chooses new leadership, and I will. I will. I promise. I just plan on dragging that process out as long as I can, so I can keep raiding the coffers for as long as I can."

"Do you realize what you just said?" one reporter asked.

"What?" Johnson replied.

"About you raiding the coffers for as long as you can," another reporter prompted.

"I said no such thing," Johnson countered. 

"We can play it back for you," this reporter suggested.

"You're all just trying to confuse me. Look, I was going to come out here and have a meaningful discussion with you, but it's clear that's not going to happen, so I'm going to go back in and play beer pong." He turned, looking back as he walked towards the front door. "And forget what I said about the beer po...." At this point he walked right into the door; a distinct crack was heard when his nose made contact with the door. He groaned, turned around, and blood was gushing out of his nose. "Um, a little help?"

Some members of the Tories wish they could go back in time. Back before Brexit, to warn their younger selves against it. To warn them against the curse of Boris. To advise them to not allow again what happened to a former foreign secretary. That political figure, taken for granted at the time and forced out through political skullduggery, has retained his respect and dignity. World leaders have always spoken highly of his candour, calmness, and grace under pressure. Many are now wishing he could be back, taking over as PM and leading the country back to a state of stability and dignity after so much foolishness. 

But that former foreign secretary has retired from political life and has now taken up a tenured post as a professor at Oxford, where he has become a popular instructor in world history. Oxford is where reporters caught up to him this week asking if he'd consider a return to politics. 

To which, Professor Beaker simply said, "Meep, meep meep meep meep!!!!"

Hurtling Towards The Brexit Disaster

Snap Election Campaign Continues, Prime Minister Johnson Keeps Up Buffoonery

London (Reuters) There is an old saying: may you live in interesting times. It can be said to be both a blessing and a curse, and such is the case these days. With Brexit perpetually delayed and an election campaign underway in Britain after Prime Minister Boris Johnson lost a confidence vote, interesting days are an understatement in Her Majesty’s Not So United Kingdom at the moment.

There are those who say Brexit never needed to happen in the first place, that the citizens of the country didn’t really understand the consequences of the referendum when the vote to leave the European Union happened. Then there are those who instigated the referendum in the first place, people such as Johnson, who weaseled his way into the Prime Minister’s post after going out of his way to sabotage his predecessor, Theresa May. And then there are the others, such as Nigel Farage, leader of the right wing Brexit Party, who was part of the initiative to drive the UK out of the EU. Caught out on the campaign trail, Farage was his usual creepy used car salesman self. “**** the European Union, I say! Yes, you heard me say it. **** the European ****ing Union!”

It’s been said in the cinema: some men just want to watch the world burn. When Farage was asked if this applied to him, he smiled. “Oh, yes, I love fire. Probably a little too much, and don’t quote me on that. Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Jeremy Corbyn, the left leaning Labour leader, hopes to make gains in the House of Commons in the snap election. “People are tired of the pratfalls and the face palm moments from the current prime minister,” he told reporters on a campaign stop at a retirement home in Yorkshire, where senior citizens were more interested in watching Coronation Street than shaking hands with a politician. “They’re tired of the unfeeling, vindictive tactics of the Tories. So it’s time for the unfeeling, vindictive tactics of the Labour Party. Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Johnson himself, the accident prone moronic politician who never saw a photo op he didn’t love, is in the political fight of his life, months after assuming the prime minister’s post. The goofball with the weird hair who seems perpetually out of his depth in the job, and is now the third prime minister to have to deal with the consequences of Brexit- something that he was behind at the time. Such a task would try the skills of even the brightest and gifted leader.

Boris Johnson is not bright and gifted.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Johnson told the press while on the campaign trail at a conference centre in London. “It is in our hands, the great decision. We can move forward with leaving Europe once and for all, and strike out on our own. Or we can remain in this quagmire of decisiveness. What I’m asking everyone to do is to trust me. After all, I’m really qualified for this job.”

“If you’re so qualified, how is it you don’t know to use the word decisiveness in the proper context?” one reporter asked. “Because logically speaking, you should have said indecision instead.”

“I did say indecision,” Johnson insisted.

“No, you didn’t,” the reporter countered.

“I did so!” Johnson blustered, seeming frustrated.

“We have it recorded, Prime Minister,” another reporter said.

“I did so! You’re all out to get me! Well, I won’t have it. I’m just going to get back out on the street and keep shaking hands and talking to voters. They get me!” Johnson turned, walking away from the reporters, and tripped on a loose shoelace. He proceeded to tumble head first down a staircase, howling at every impact. Finally hitting the bottom, he was heard to moan and groan, and to call out, “Um, a little help?”

Many in the Conservative party are frustrated with Johnson, feeling that the grandstanding prime minister has led them into disaster, seeking other voices to come in and pull the party and the country away from the madness of Brexit. “This should have never been brought forward in a referendum,” a Tory MP, wishing to remain anonymous, confided. “That clumsy jackass was one of the instigators of all this, and now he’s at Ten Downing. As a country, we have to get behind an alternative. Someone who’s a natural leader. The damned shame is we had one. A thoughtful and articulate former cabinet secretary who got screwed over not once, but twice. Best man for the job, if you ask me. But he won’t take it.”

That former cabinet minister has retired to his country estate in Devonshire, where he’s been writing his memoirs. It has been said by some of his supporters that he intends to bide his time until after the next election, should disaster strike the Tory party, before launching a bid for the leadership and to overthrow Johnson. He certainly has every reason to want to get even with Johnson, who conspired to get rid of him twice. And yet he retains his dignity, his sense of grace and calmness under pressure, and his articulate, thoughtful ways of getting his point across. Reporters approached him at home, finding the short of stature redheaded Muppet looking his usual self.

“Meep! Meep meep meep meep!”

Brexit Stage Left, Pursued By A Boris

Britain stumbles along towards Brexit, Prime Minister Loses Confidence And Balance

London (Reuters) The Brexit fiasco continues. It has already cost two prime ministers their jobs after a yes vote to leaving the European Union drove Great Britain into turmoil following the 2016 referendum. Entire regions of the country voted against the measure, which some have said should have never even been called for in the first place. Proponents for the Leave side of things, including present Prime Minister Boris Johnson, have blundered their way through things as much as those who were on the Remain side of things.

Johnson has only recently taken office as prime minister, after the ousting of former PM Theresa May. He promptly sacked the two time foreign secretary, a highly regarded figure in British society, declared that Brexit would proceed with or without a deal by October 31^st, tried to prorogue Parliament, and got slapped down by the highest courts for doing so. Members of his own Conservative party have turned on him, removing his working majority, and the accident prone Johnson has threatened to call an election over the matter.

Finding himself with enemies at every quarter and a deepening state of unpopularity among the British public, the perennially clumsy and gaffe prone Johnson is a man under siege. Bets are already being taken as to how long his time in office will last. “Not near as long as May,” is the common word on the street and in the bookie shops. Long odds are being given to anyone betting he’ll still be in the job by the first year anniversary of his coming into it.

“It’s a disgrace,” Oxford professor of political science Gerald Featherstonehaugh admitted. “This never needed to happen in the first place. Whatever differences the country had with Europe as a whole could have been talked over, negotiated, smoothed out. This should have never gone to a referendum. And now what you’re seeing throughout the country is a lot of regret about the initiative going to a ballot in the first place. It’s almost as big a disgrace as having that foppish jackass in the PM’s office.”

Former PM David Cameron, who led the Remain side of things and saw the referendum go so horribly wrong, agrees. “We made a terrible mistake in even entertaining the idea. We let rogue politicians and isolationist parties get the better of us.  I take responsibility for that. And now we’re all paying the price for a bad decision. The amount of turmoil we’re seeing in the country is a reflection of that.”

Theresa May was less civil when reached by phone for comment. Apparently still stinging over a forced resignation that ended her time in office, she simply told this reporter, “go **** yourself, *******.”

Johnson seemed harried and stressed out when facing the press outside Ten Downing Street. Having had lost his working majority in Parliament to rebel Conservative members, and facing the venom and wrath of an electorate that seems to hate him more by the hour, Johnson is clearly not having a good time of it these days. “Look, the important thing is that all of this is going to work. We’re going to get out of Europe and have our cake and eat it too. With tea and scones. Believe me, when you’re in a situation like this, it’s always best to go into it with no plan whatsoever. And that’s what the whole Leave thing was about in the first place. Having absolutely no plan whatsoever.”

“You realize you said that out loud?” this reporter asked.

“Said what?” Johnson asked, looking confused. He looks confused a lot.

“That you had no plan at all for actually leaving Europe when you started this whole thing,” this reporter prompted.

“I did not!” Johnson objected.

“Yes you did,” every reporter said in unison.

Johnson seemed even more befuddled, looking around, sputtering a bit before backing away from the podium. “You’re all just out to get me! Like everyone else is. Well, I won’t have it, do you hear me? I won’t be treated this way!” He turned around, started back for the door, and got his leg caught in an electric cord, tripping and hitting the ground. A moment later he started screaming and holding his knee and his nose. “Help, help!” he called out. “I got an ow-ow!”

The prime minister was taken to hospital, where it turned out he had indeed broken his left knee and his nose. He was heard to be speculating that his injuries might get him sympathy votes. Not according to the latest polls, which find most citizens want to see him locked up at the Tower of London in the stocks.

“The man is an insufferable jackass and simpleton,” Featherstonehaugh lamented. “We need dignity restored to the office. We need a leader who can come back, who can go to Brussels with heart in hand and just say, ‘we were wrong, let’s get this all sorted out.’ If you ask me, the leader we need is our former foreign secretary. Best man for the job. Dignified, articulate, reasonable, a man of calm nerves and steady mind. But having had been ousted twice already, I don’t see how he’d want to come back.”

The former foreign secretary was approached by reporters for his own comment. Presently enjoying a life of quiet retirement writing his memoirs at his country estate in Devonshire, the diminutive redhead with the intense stare paused before speaking.

“Meep! Meep meep meep meep meep!!! Meep meep!!”

All Hail The New Foreign Secretary

British Cabinet Continues Through Upheaval, Names New Foreign Secretary

London (Reuters) Life in the United Kingdom hasn’t been the same since the Brexit referendum saw the country narrowly decide to leave the European Union. The results were deeply divisive throughout Britain, and the government has struggled with the Brexit process ever since, trying to come to terms with what it might mean for the future of the country and their relationship with the rest of the continent. It ended one prime minister’s career, and has given rise to the uncertain current occupant of the office. 

And it has given rise to some unlikely players in the game. Boris Johnson, one of the strongest voices for Brexit, was foreign secretary until his abrupt resignation in July. The clumsy oaf of a politician has risen quickly in the Conservative party since his days as mayor of London. Perpetually looking like he just rolled out of bed, Johnson has often been described as boorish and dimwitted, but cunning in his own way. Pundits have long expected that his every move has been calculated to eventually put himself into the Prime Minister’s job. “Even stupid people can be ambitious,” a Tory insider told reporters on condition of anonymity.

His resignation came after rising tensions between himself and Prime Minister Theresa May over the pace of the Brexit process. Relegated to the status of a backbench MP, Johnson is said to be biding his time, waiting to further sabotage the prime minister as opportunity allows. Leaving Westminster two days ago, he stopped to speak to reporters. Looking unkempt in a wrinkled suit and sloppily done tie, Johnson had that usual deer in the headlights expression of befuddlement to him. And as usual, his hair had the look of a man who had just stepped out of a wind tunnel.

“I should like to deny any allegations that I am attempting to sabotage the fine efforts of that totally inept prime minister May,” he said. “As this country moves forward through Brexit and gives the middle finger to Europe, we need to rally around the leader, and I think we all know that leadership is something Theresa isn’t all that good at.”

“Isn’t it a bit ironic claiming you’re not out to sabotage the Prime Minister and then in the same breath insult her?” one reporter asked.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Johnson replied.

“We all heard you. We recorded your statement, the reporter pressed.

Johnson shrugged. “There’s a lot of ways you could fake any statement. Now then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off. I have to get to my secret meeting of the Take Down Theresa Society, and I can’t be late. You understand how it is.” He turned with a flourish- and stumbled down a staircase, yelling with each impact, finally coming to a halt at the bottom of the steps with his legs out at the wrong angles. “Um…. A little help?” he called in between whimpers.

The news of Johnson’s latest catastrophic accident seemed to please the prime minister. Theresa May made remarks to the press at 10 Downing, shortly after being briefed about the incident. “I could easily pretend to be sympathetic about Boris ending up in a body cast,” May admitted with a sly smile. “But you would see right through that. If you ask me, for my opinion on the matter, it couldn’t have possibly happened to a more deserving prat.”

It had been thought for some time that Jeremy Hunt would succeed Johnson as Foreign Secretary, as he had been serving in that capacity in the interim since the resignation. However, the Prime Minister had other ideas. “Mr. Hunt will be taking on other cabinet responsibilities,” she explained to reporters. “But I feel that what we need right now is a calm hand, steady nerves, and the experience of knowing what the job requires. Before Boris muscled his way in, we had a previous Foreign Secretary who was highly respected for his articulate views, his fortitude, his eloquence, his grace under pressure, and his reassuring personality. It was a mistake, a grave mistake, to make him step aside. I should like to rectify that mistake by bringing him back into the fold. He has accepted my offer and I am thankful for that. Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to welcome back the Foreign Secretary.”

An aide opened the front door to the residence behind her. Out stepped a familiar face, a bit tentative at first. He was looking thoroughly respectable in a Savile Row suit that contrasted sharply with his wild red hair and wide eyes. The Foreign Secretary was short perhaps for a cabinet minister, but tall for a Muppet. He walked forward, joining the Prime Minister.

Foreign Secretary Beaker looked about at the reporters, and began to speak. “Meep! Meep meep meep meep! Meep meep!”

A Super Villain And Masterminded Heists

Thieves Steal Enormous Million Dollar Coin Before Meeting A Bad End

Berlin (CP) A brazen heist caught the world’s attention in recent days after a million dollar coin, minted by the Royal Canadian Mint as one of six in 2007, was stolen from the Bode Museum in Berlin, Germany. The coin, on display at the museum since 2010, was taken in the early hours of March 27^th, a challenge, given that the coin weighs 100 kilograms. Reportedly as near to pure gold as it gets, the coin had a real value of four million American dollars.

Officials at the Bode were baffled by the theft, and characteristically close lipped about answering questions from the press about the burglary. Rumours out of the museum suggest blame is being placed on a sleepy guard, nicknamed Big Jurgen, on duty the night of the burglary. A police official, speaking on anonymity, confirmed that the guard had been found curled up in his office snoring by his relief the following morning. “While it’s true that a guard might not have been able to do anything to stop a determined thief or thieves, it doesn’t look good when your overnight guard is snoozing during a major robbery.”

In the days following the theft, law enforcement agencies across the globe pursued leads. There were grave fears that the coin had already been melted down into new gold bars. Memes were mounted on the internet featuring Homer Simpson trying to use the coin in a vending machine.

Suspects came to light. Three individuals who bear a striking resemblance to major Hollywood actors, and who have been suspected in heists for years, denied having anything to do with the operation. “Rusty and Linus and I were in Sydney, which the police have already confirmed when they asked,” scoundrel and former convict Danny Ocean claimed when found by reporters at his residence in upper New York state. “By the way, purely hypothetically speaking, if any of us had wanted to pull a job, we’d have wanted a bigger payoff than four million dollars.”

And yet the thieves eluded the long arm of the law. German authorities underwent a massive manhunt and investigation not seen in the country since David Hasselhoff disappeared while on a bender three years ago (for some reason Germans love Hasselhoff, which strikes the outsider as peculiar).

Four days after the theft, the mastermind behind the theft revealed himself to the world via social media in a video across multiple platforms. First appearing in silhouette in a dark room, the man was silent for several seconds as the video began, and then started to speak, a hint of high cultured German in his voice. “Ladies and gentlemen of the world, you have seen my latest endeavour. I, with the aid of my henchmen, masterminded the theft of the million dollar coin from the Bode. Only a mind of sheer criminal genius like mine could have brought it all together. Only I, Magnus Von Malice, could do it.”

Von Malice, for those who might not be aware, is the nefarious mad scientist and super-villain who escaped from prison in Canada last year. Von Malice is most noted for his temporal experiments that brought several washed up celebrities back from the dead some time back, and had been imprisoned since being brought down by the world’s most feared (and cranky) lawman, the legendary RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich. He’s been in hiding ever since his escape, one step ahead of the law.

After his revelation, the lights came up around the mad scientist on the video, and Von Malice smiled in that malevolent way that might make one think he was walking over your grave. “It could only be done by someone of the most devastating sinister mindset, stealing this coin. And it is the first step in my master plan of world domination. You will all bow before the magnificence that is Magnus Von Malice!” The video went on for another thirty five minutes of self absorbed nonsense and bragging, leaving one wondering why super-villains were so fond of endless monologues, before ending with a threat about melting down the gold unless his demands were met, including ten trillion dollars in unmarked bills, the nation of France handed over to him post haste, and a nuclear bomb “so I can destroy Mars!” He gave the world one week to carry out his demands.

While the President of France publicly mused about handing over the keys of the country to Von Malice, thus carrying on a national tradition of knuckling under and running away from a fight, other world leaders had different reactions to the crisis. Russian President Vladimir Putin shrugged. “You know, Magnus, he is not, how do you say, bad guy? He’s just misunderstood. You know, a man gets ambitious and starts threatening everyone around him, and before he knows it, everyone thinks he’s the villain.”

British Prime Minister Theresa May, busy blowing up the country’s relations with the rest of Europe, paused to comment. “You know, it might have been nice of Cameron and that buffoon Boris Johnson to stick around and deal with the consequences of their little referendum, but that would be expecting too much of them. Now we’ve got a super-villain who’s threatening the world and stealing valuable coins? At least he didn’t steal the Crown Jewels. Wait, don’t quote me on that, it might give the jackass an idea or two.”

Former London mayor and ex-Member of Parliament Boris Johnson, the aforementioned buffoon, who was a strong advocate for Brexit, was busy tumbling down a staircase near the Thames when reporters told him about May calling him a buffoon. “That’s an outrage!” the dimwitted buffoon said. “Why, it makes me want to.... whooooaaaaa!” He was cut off, falling backwards and rolling down the stairs, breaking five ribs and an arm before he hit the bottom. In between wails of agony that suggest he doesn’t tolerate pain very well, Johnson called out, “Um, a little help?”

In the Oval Office, the President tweeted, “Fake news shaming Magnus Von Malice! Sad!” It was followed by seventeen other tweets extolling the mad scientist’s golf game, suggesting Von Malice be given the Nobel Peace Prize, and blaming Paul Ryan for the whole affair.

The German chancellor, meanwhile, recommended bringing in some outside help, and so a discreet call was made to her counterpart in Canada, who readily agreed to the request. The aforementioned cranky Mountie was sent overseas to aid in the investigation, given his previous experience with the villain. Within twenty four hours, Lars Ulrich had succeeded in tracking down Von Malice to his secret hidden lair in the Bavarian Alps, engaging each of his forty eight henchmen in hand to hand combat, leaving them weeping, bloody, and battered. German officers came in his wake to cuff suspects and bring in paramedics.

The super-villain himself got the worst of it, cornered by Ulrich, cut off from his Death Ray device. According to German officers who witnessed the confrontation, the super-villain, trying desperately to find some way to escape (despite having a granite wall at his back and a grouchy Mountie advancing at him), muttered, “why can’t you just spend all your time playing the drums and leave me alone?”

“I am not that Lars Ulrich,” the Mountie declared, delivering a punch that knocked Von Malice into the wall, followed by a thrashing that left him with broken ribs, fractured arms and legs, and a battered face. As well as the removal by yanking of the villain’s Van Dyke beard. Von Malice and his minions have all been charged with criminal conspiracy, theft, fraud, extortion, and dozens of other charges. They are now in custody awaiting trial.

The coin has been recovered and will be returned back to the museum as soon as possible. Von Malice, under police guard in hospital and confined to a body cast, spoke to this reporter after negotiations with German prosecutors and his attorney. His voice suggesting he was in terrible pain, the super-villain managed to mutter, “No matter how long it takes... no matter how many things I have to do to make this happen, no matter who I have to stomp on to get it done... I swear before all I hold sacred and despicable... that I’m going to kill Lars Ulrich.”

We finish with the reaction of two Lars Ulrichs to the threat. The Metallica drummer, deafened by decades of bad living and loud noise, read the statement when reporters found him at his California mansion. He looked up from the printed page, seeming confused. “Look, I’ve done a lot of crap down through the years, man, but I don’t deserve getting threatened by guys with weird names. I mean, who names their kid Magnus?”

The other Lars Ulrich was back at his detachment in Alberta, fresh from the satisfaction of beating up a super-villain and his associates. This reporter sought him out, assured him that he was fully aware he was not the other Lars Ulrich, and asked about the threat. It seems a hollow threat to a lawman who's beaten back dark cabals, other super-villains, giant monsters, and thousands of angry people in brawls. The Inspector shrugged, and smiled in a cold way. That smile matched the coldness of the words that followed.  “He’s welcome to try.”