Sharknado Returns, So Root For The Shark

Sharknado Sequel Is Upon The World; Millions Roll Their Eyes In Dismay

Los Angeles (AP) Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell No is about to air across the cable Syfy channel and other dregs of the television universe, expected to draw in an audience consisting of two parts: halfwits who think it’s gloriously wonderful acting and true fact on the one hand, and people who want to laugh and roll their eyes in dismay at a trainwreck of a film.

The film, which brings back lead actors Ian Ziering and Tara Reid from the previous films, deals with yet another sharks in tornados disaster tale while giving the world two totally pointless characters played by pointless actors in a pointless film that stretches the limits of disbelief. The series from director Anthony Ferrante has dealt with cyclone-created twisters drawing sharks out of the oceans in Los Angeles and New York. These films have ignored the basics of science- such as the notion of tornados lifting dozens of sharks out of the ocean, the sharks somehow staying alive in the midst of those tornados instead of being torn apart or at the very least traumatized to death by the gale forces within, and those sharks being dropped into cities to devour the extras in their dying moments out of water. Now it appears that sharks are going to be across the Eastern seaboard, still alive as they drop in wherever the butchered plot demands they be dropped in to chew on the locals. David Hasselhoff and Bo Derek are among the new cast members.

The film might not have been made. Ziering and Reid were brutally slaughtered by killer rabbits while in Britain on a publicity tour for the previous film, at a time when the third film might have been set in Britain. However, they were among the z-list celebrities resurrected from the dead by mad scientist Magnus von Malice some months ago, after the supervillain plucked them out of the time stream from the moment before their deaths. Von Malice is now in the deepest darkest hole of a prison the world could find after his plans for world domination were thwarted by a very cranky Mountie and a vicious little dog.

Ferrante was pleased when he, Ziering, Reid, Hasselhoff, and Derek met reporters for a press conference on the weekend. “You know, I could have recast with other actors, other characters, but I was greatly pleased to know Ian and Tara were alive and well and not at all traumatized by their near brush with death.”

Reid seemed dazed. “Is it odd that I have memories of both a brutal death and of being plucked right back out of time just before that death? Professor von Malice did say he was kind of splintering time and that we’d have to put up with both sets of memories.”

“All I know is I’m scared of rabbits now,” Ziering added.

Ferrante shrugged. “Just as long as you’re not scared of sharks,” he said with a shrug. “And as it turns out, David Hasselhoff managed to be one of those resurrected major league stars....” Many reporters sighed in collective dismay at that remark- Hasselhoff, after all, was a two bit z-list actor who thought he was an A-lister. “...so of course I had to cast him in this as well.”

Hasselhoff laughed. “And of course I was happy to get involved in this. Everyone loves the Hoff!” Real reporters collectively sighed. Entertainment reporters were heard gushing with adoration.

Ferrante continued. “You know, this is a concept I can see going on and on. Sequel after sequel. And why confine it to summer in the films? We could have Sharknado Christmas, Sharknado Easter, Sharknado New Year's. Hell, even Sharknado Arbor Day. I don’t mind saying that I’ve got a lot of in-house references here and there in this film. Which is why I asked Michele Bachmann to do a cameo, and Ann Coulter to play the Vice President. They’re my kind of people. If only they actually were running the country. But to be fair, I’ve got a bipartisan approach to this whole thing... former Democratic Representative Anthony Weiner is making an appearance in the film too. He’d have been here himself, but he said he had some texting to do. I don’t know what that means.”

Bo Derek, who once upon a time was the fantasy of many a young man (and for that matter, some young women), looked bored. “I’m not entirely sure why I took this role. I mean, sure, I haven’t had much of a career since the early 80s, but still, I wasn’t that desperate for cash...”

“Well I sure was when I got cast in the first film,” Ziering said, immediately monopolizing the panel. “I mean, my career was at a low point, and the loan sharks were going to break my legs, but then, here I get the role of a lifetime, and it’s really paid off big time. Plus I got to pay off those pesky loan sharks and keep my knees in good shape, so that’s good.”

Ferrante nodded. “That’s right. You know, our lead actors have really touched the lives of everyone who’ve been inspired by the Sharknado franchise. They’re playing characters people can relate to. I am aware there are people out there who think of these films as cheesy or bad. They’re just saying that because they’re jealous of true genius. I can say this with all modesty... Sharknado as a series is one of the greatest concepts ever committed to the small screen or the big screen. This should win Oscars. Emmys. Tonys. Pulitzers. Grammys. The Nobel Peace Prize!”

Real reporters rolled their eyes once again. Ziering carried on speaking. “It’s a pleasure to play this role and take part in a series of films that people respond so well to. Everyone loves Sharknado, and I mean everyone. I mean, it’ll take you a long time to go out and find someone who can say they’d hate these films.” This reporter sighed, expecting that in this case, a long time would rate as 0.06 seconds, given the fact that this reporter loathed these cheesy films. After that, within five more seconds, five other people could be found who said the same, on any given day. Ziering was still prattling on. “...and I don’t mind saying, since I first took on this role, I have become something of a Renaissance man. I, Ian Ziering, am the cultural touchstone of the era.”

Hasselhoff looked over at Ziering. “Don’t be ridiculous. Everyone knows I’m the cultural touchstone of the era. I’m the Hoff, after all.”

Ziering smirked. “Do you ever actually look at yourself in a mirror? Everyone out there laughs at you.”

Hasselhoff got up angrily. “Look, you little punk, I brought you into this world, and by the power of Baywatch, I can take you out of it!”

Ferrante was starting to look slightly alarmed at this point, no doubt wondering if he should have just done a solo press conference. Ziering rolled his eyes. “You are aware you only played my father in this film, and that you’re not actually my dad? Or have the booze and burgers gone to your brain?”

At this point, Hasselhoff charged past Ferrante, yanking Ziering out of his seat, and the two started brawling. “Nothing to see here!” Ferrante called out to the press, waving at an unseen aide to close the curtains on the stage. Reid and Derek scattered backstage. “Nothing wrong at all, thanks for your time, move along, have a nice day! Nothing to see here!”

The curtains closed. And yet the noise continued, the sounds of crashes and breaking things clearly ringing out, along with the occasional grunt, a howl, and Hasselhoff screaming, “My face! My beautiful face!”

Dwarf Planets And Strange Furry Menaces

Today I have an assortment of odds and ends images. Enjoy!

Dodging Disaster And Being A Micro-Hero

Some links before getting started today. Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday and a mix of  photos. Eve had book recommendations. Krisztina had a guest writer with travel tips. Lynn had birds. Ivy had a Friday question. Cheryl had a post. And Mark had a weather story.

Today I've got myself a movie review.

The Marvel cinematic universe has been  around awhile, giving us epic films in a cohesive, connected world. Now that universe goes into a smaller direction with the release of Ant-Man, a film following two lead characters who have both worn the identity in the comics, and who, while very different in backgrounds, have some common ground. It's a lighter film with a good sense of humour that still plays to the strong characterization and history of the characters. Directed by Peyton Reed, who has a background in comedy, the film evokes the irreverent tone of last summer's Guardians Of The Galaxy while moving things into a very small scale indeed.

We first meet our hero Scott Lang (Paul Rudd), a thief with a tendency to break and enter and steal things- not quite your usual protagonist, but he's a charming sort of guy, and we get to like him regardless. His family life is a mess- he's trying to fix up his relationship with his young daughter Cassie, while his ex wife (Judy Greer) is now involved with a cop (Bobby Cannavale)- not the easiest thing for a crook to have to deal with. Scott is just out of prison, having second thoughts about his career choices- there has to be a better way to make a living, though he's still associating with criminals, including his former cellmate Luis (Michael Pena).

Scott crosses paths with Hank Pym (Michael Douglas), a scientist who's become something of a bitter recluse after losing control of his company. Hank can relate to the family difficulties- he's a widower whose relationship with his daughter Hope (Evangeline Lilly) is strained, but he sees something in Scott worth redeeming. He's worried about the use of technology he's invented- Pym particles, which can shrink things down to the small scale- being converted for darker uses. Darren Cross (Corey Stoll), the one time protege who supplanted him, has his own agenda for that technology. Pym asks Scott for his help- which involves suiting up in a special uniform designed to assist the human body adapt to that small scale, with a few other tricks for good measure.

The film has been in the works for years, and Edgar Wright (Shaun Of The Dead) was once tapped to direct, having had co-written a story with Joe Cornish. Wright left the project over creative differences, and screenwriter Adam McKay (along with cast member Rudd) polished the story. McKay's background is also in comedy, as is Reed's- Reed directed films like Yes Man and The Break-Up- the comedic background of both writer and director show itself in the way the film comes across. It establishes the characters and weaves them firmly into the Marvel cinematic universe. And while there is an irreverent, comedic side of things, there's also strong characterization, from the parallel father-daughter strained relationships to the villain who doesn't see himself as such. Reed shows a deft touch as a director- I like the way he stages break and enter scenes, and he can handle action well. He paces the movie well, keeping things moving briskly along.

There's a healthy dose of CGI in the film, but it serves the story well, and doesn't feel like CGI. A lot of that has to do with how Scott interacts with the world at insect level, and certainly the ants he interacts with (and learns to communicate with) feel like they're sharing the same space as him. It also reflects in the sense the audience has that we're down at that same scale- a stream of water, for instance, has the look of a tsunami wave. Gunshots fired into a model city have a catastrophic feel, as well, when one is the size of an insect, and the special effects crews do fine work in conveying that.

I like the production values of the film. Pym's personal lab reflects the man himself, a place of curiousities. It's a contrast with the corporate sleekness of his former company, no longer in his control. That contrast also reflects itself in the two different tech designed uniforms making use of Pym Particles in the film. The Ant-Man uniform has influences from the various comics designs over the years, and has a utilitarian look to it, something you'd expect out of a scientist- efficient and purposeful. The Yellowjacket design that ends up coming into the picture is something else- sleek, aggressive, dangerous, and militaristic. Both designs suit the film well.

The casting was well done. There are the requisite cameos that you would expect. Stan Lee turns up, of course; the Marvel co-founder and writer has been doing a lot of these cameos in films done by Marvel Studios for years, as well as films based on characters from Marvel but produced by other studios. There are also references and nods to the larger cinematic universe- each of which is a treat for those wondering how this would all fit into the larger frame of things. Michael Pena as Luis fronts a group of petty crooks- but these characters aren't the heavies, they're comic relief, and Pena certainly plays to that, garnering some of the laughs along the way.

Corey Stoll has the look of a don't mess with me tough guy mode as an actor, and I've seen him in a number of roles, often playing villains or cops. He's got a hard look to him, and it serves him well as Cross, who comes across as a double dealing underhanded executive. Cross is the sort of villain who doesn't think of himself that way- he doesn't see his lack of ethics for what it is. In his mind he's in the right, and the ends justify the means. That reflects itself in the Yellowjacket design, which expresses his aggressiveness. The shades of gray of the character make him a compelling villain, and it's a good twist on the Yellowjacket concept- in the comics, Yellowjacket is in fact an alternate codename for Hank Pym.

Evangeline Lilly has made quite an impression, from her role on the series Lost to her turn as an elf in two parts of The Hobbit trilogy. I like her take on Hope. The character is smart and can take care of herself- something that certainly shows itself in the film. Ideally she might be the better fit for the uniform as a superhero- but the state of things with her father take things in a different direction. The relationship is so strained that she's taken on the surname of her late mother, and there's a lot of resentment and estrangement between them. Hope's journey as a character in the film is about reconciliation, and Lilly really plays to that as the film goes along. I wouldn't mind seeing the character perhaps take after her mother- the Marvel cinematic universe needs a Wasp.

A lot of changes have been done in terms of bringing Hank Pym from the comics to the big screen. The character is a founding Avenger in the comics, but here he is a scientist with ties to S.H.I.E.L.D. in the past. Where he is brilliant but occasionally mentally unstable in the comics, here he's brilliant but a recluse. And the story has added about thirty years onto his age. The essence of the character remains the same: a gifted, smart man with a strongly grounded sense of ethics. I like how Douglas conveys that in his performance, while bringing across the elements of worry the character feels at having his technology misused, the strain of loss in his life, and the difficulties he has with his daughter. Douglas also adds just the right touch of dry humour here and there. Hank Pym's a wise character- and a very human one, and I got to like him a lot through the film. It's a terrific take on the character.

I got to like Paul Rudd through the film as well. I've only seen him in one previous project of note- a television adaptation of The Great Gatsby- as I have not seen his numerous comedies in the last few years (I have a deep aversion to Judd Apatow as a director- the man's like fingernails on a blackboard to me). Rudd brings a charming, affable quality to the role of Scott Lang, a reluctant hero who grows into the role (a reminder of Peter Quill in last year's Guardians). The character's struggling to be a better person, if only for his daughter's sake, and that's the sort of thing the audience can relate to and root for, and Rudd brings that across in his performance. His initial status as a crook reminds me of George Clooney playing Danny Ocean- a disarming scoundrel with a plan. A reluctant hero he might be, but Lang does rise to the occasion in doing the right thing, and Rudd's portrayal takes the character through that journey.

Ant-Man is a new look at the Marvel cinematic universe that gives the audience fresh ground to cover while maintaining enough connections to the larger continuity. It's got a good sense of humour, likable lead actors who flesh out their characters in the right way, a very human heroine, and an underhanded antagonist with a mean streak. The film is an oddball kind of film- which makes it all the more appealing. I enjoyed it- and I look forward to seeing more of these characters down the line.

John Lithgow Chews Up The Scenery

"Well I don't recognize the face, but the butt does look vaguely familiar." ~ Jessie Deighan

"Hey, be careful, or you'll embarrass old Frank." ~ Gabe Walker

"It'll take a heap more than that, rock jock." ~ Frank

“Kill a few people and they call you a murderer. Kill a million, and you’re a conqueror.” ~ Eric Qualen

“This rope looks 60 years old. Will it hold?” ~ Jessie

“Don’t think so.” ~ Gabe 

“Bad answer.” ~ Jessie

“Delmar, from me to you, you’re an asshole.” ~ Hal Tucker 

“Yeah? And you’re a loud mouth punk slag, who’s about to die.” ~ Delmar 

“Maybe. But in a minute, I’ll be dead, and you will always be an asshole.” ~ Hal

“Your friend just had the costliest funeral ever.” ~ Qualen

"I was there, remember? You were the only one who didn't panic. So why don't you do us all a favour and quite hoarding all the guilt. You held on as long as you could." ~ Jessie

"What the hell do you know about bad times, man? You didn't love her, and you didn't have to explain to her family!" ~ Hal

"And you didn't have to look into her eyes when she was falling! So drop it!" ~ Gabe

Cliffhanger is an action thriller from 1993, by director Renny Harlin and starring Sylvester Stallone. The adventure film, telling a cat and mouse story mixed with wilderness survival, touches on all the right beats for a summer blockbuster, and brings its own sense of humour to the equation while also employing good characterization. And it features one of the best villains I’ve seen in an action film, played by an actor who was clearly having a ball playing someone so malevolent.

The film starts out among the mountains, where a search and rescue ranger, Gabriel Walker (Stallone) is making an ascent to two stranded climbers. One is his friend and co-worker Hal Tucker (Michael Rooker), who’s injured his leg. The other is Hal’s girlfriend Sarah (Michelle Joyner), who’s not terribly comfortable on the mountain, admitting that Hal talked her into it because he said it was better than sex. Gabe sets up a line to the waiting helicopter across the chasm, where his pilot girlfriend Jessie Deighan (Janine Turner) and fellow ranger Frank (Ralph Waite) are waiting to take the climbers aboard. What starts out as a routine day goes terribly wrong, leaving Sarah dead, Hal blaming Gabe, and Gabe blaming himself.

Eight months later, a senior Treasury agent (Paul Winfield) is seeing off a flight of agents taking three cases filled with 100 million dollars in uncirculated thousand dollar bills for transport. Air travel is seen as safer, but there are turncoats among the agents, and a mid-air heist involving another plane gets underway, and the heist goes wrong. The three cases are lost over the mountains, and the other plane crashes, with most of the gang of thieves surviving. Their leader, Eric Qualen (John Lithgow) is less than impressed with the surviving federal turncoat Travers (Rex Linn), and anxious to recover the money.

Meanwhile, Gabe returns to the mountains after time away; he finds Jessie back at their place, but he’s not back to stay. Overwhelmed by grief and guilt, he asks her to leave with him. She refuses when she’s called into work, and it's not long before the lives of the search and rescue mountaineers intersect with the ruthless gang of crooks determined to reach their money. 

Stallone co-wrote the screenplay with Michael France, and Harlin was brought on board after his experience directing Die Hard 2. While the film is heavy on action, the story does allow for characterization- the overwhelming guilt for Gabe is with the character throughout much of the film, while Hal's grief is mixed with rage. By contrast among the villains, Travers is a man seemingly permanently driven by his temper, while Qualen comes across as of a calmer disposition- albeit snarky and absolutely ruthless, but a man in control- at least most of the time. The screenplay also weaves in enough humour, most of it from Qualen, who aside from being malevolent has more of his share of dry, slightly sadistic humour. There's even some of that for Gabe, particularly in a bad pun moment in remarking on the cost of heat.

Harlin has a great touch for action, and it shows in this film. Most of the location shooting was done in the Italian Dolomites, filling in for the American Rockies. Some of the filming required stunt people- no insurance company would have signed off on certain moments involving actors, and Harlin's skills particularly show themselves in the mid-air heist, in the failed rescue early on, or in harrowing duels while sliding off a glacier or on the side of a cliff. He conveys just as much danger and tension, though, in a face off that's more quiet, with one adversary on top of the ice, while the other is trapped in the water below. The resulting film is one that will give serious problems to someone with a fear of heights. Harlin also brought in Trevor Jones to compose the score; Jones was previously best known for his work alongside Randy Edelman composing the score for Last Of The Mohicans, and is an under-appreciated composer. Jones weaves together heroic melodies with tense themes that mesh well with the movie.

The cast are well chosen, from the various Eurotrash gang of thieves, all of whom are nasty customers, reminding one of rabid dogs chafing at the leash. Caroline Goodall is an exception as Kristel, the calm and icy pilot who seems to have a thing with Qualen- while she's assembling a bomb, for instance, he tells her she'll make someone a good wife one day, while she quips that he should see her bake a cake. She's professional for the most part, but has one blind spot she doesn't quite see coming.

Rex Linn has spent most of his career playing either lawmen or ill tempered villains, and for some odd reason got saddled with years on end of putting up with the mumbling and socially inept David Caruso on CSI Miami. He spends a good part of this movie hollering at people as the traitorous Travers, being perpetually angry, and one gets the sense the character is overcompensating for his own failures as a man by yelling so much. The character isn't particularly respected by any of the other members of the gang, and it shows. Linn certainly does play to that, though, which makes the performance effective.

Ralph Waite is best known as the kindly patriarch of The Waltons, and this character's pretty much a similar sort of fellow. Frank is the senior man at the rescue service, still capable and calm under pressure, a bit eccentric, but generally the kind grandfatherly sort of man you'd expect.

John Lithgow gets to have a lot of fun as Qualen. The villain is not one of shades of grey; there are no moral dilemmas for him; he's malevolent, ruthless, and out for himself. He doesn't mind sacrificing others to get what he wants, and is not a character who would ever consider being merciful. That said, he's also quite calm under pressure- he takes things in stride, doesn't overreact when things go amiss- at least not until late in the game, and he comes across as a capable leader. He might be a thoroughly nasty and dangerous character, but it's fun watching him chew the scenery, and Lithgow makes the most of it.

Michael Rooker went on to other things after this film, and I like his performance here. Events early on are shattering for him, losing the woman he loves, and we can understand his anger, directed at Gabe, even if he doesn't see that some of it ought to be directed at himself. As angry as he might be though, as the story develops, the friendship is still there beneath the resentment- Hal urges Gabe to make a break for it if he can. Throughout the story as it unfolds, Hal's a defiant character even at gunpoint, resourceful even under pressure, and Rooker really plays to that.

Janine Turner was well cast as Jessie. She carries the character as you'd expect a pilot to be- professional and calm. And she also gives the character depth, wisdom, independence, and inner strength. I like her remark early on to Gabe- she doesn't know if she should hate him or love him, but she understands him, and that certainly comes across throughout Turner's performance. Jessie and Gabe come across as a believable couple, even though they're at a difficult point through a good part of the film.

Sylvester Stallone will never be accused of being an actor of great range, but that doesn't matter. Here he gets the job done in just the right way, by playing the character as haunted and tormented by guilt. Gabe as we first meet him might be a cheerful guy who sees nothing wrong in teasing his friend, though in the wake of things going wrong, he becomes a broken man. Stallone plays to that as the character's return plays out, and an extreme situation is required to shake him out of his despair. As the story unfolds, we see the resourcefulness of the character, the man who knows the mountains, and while he's poorly armed compared to his adversaries, he certainly knows how to use the tools at hand, and that comes across in how Stallone plays him. This is actually my favourite Stallone role, with his fish out of water sci-fi leading role in Demolition Man a close second.

Cliffhanger still goes for the thrills each time I see it, playing out a story of clearly very bad people contending with the good guys- good but human. The director handles the momentum of action and the tension of adrenaline very well indeed, but has the sense to allow quiet moments too, just so the audience can catch their breath, appreciate an acidic remark from the villain... and brace themselves to go back over the edge again.