Put A Stake In The Bloody Sharknado

I'm back again, after a few weeks away. I needed some time away from the blog, for various reasons. We'll see for a little while what kind of schedule I'll keep from here out.

Final Sharknado Film Released, Producers Threaten To Revisit Franchise

Los Angeles (AP) The unlikely Z-movie that launched a franchise came to a close in recent days with The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time, a time traveling bit of nonsense that supposedly wrapped up the preposterous concept of sharks caught up in tornadoes and wrecking havoc with the world. The franchise gave new life to careers on life support for its two leading players, earned scorn and ridicule from anyone with good taste, and launched a million memes.

The stars and producers of the series have been on a publicity tour in the last few days since the final film in the franchise aired. Sharknado was the sort of film that was deemed so bad you had to see it, and of course despite diminishing returns in terms of ratings, for the last few years it was followed up by a number of sequels and other preposterous mashups- Lavantula, Blizwolf, Corgiquake, and TsunaMidler, a film which has not been aired since Bette Midler’s attorney filed an injunction to prevent its release.

Anthony Ferrante and David Michael Latt, who have shepherded the franchise as producers, gathered together with actors Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, who have been with the franchise since the first film as the unlikely protagonists Fin and April. Actress Vivica A. Fox, who appeared in the second and sixth installments of the franchise, joined them on a stage at the production offices of The Asylum. Real reporters were assembled along with entertainment reporters, who were in a delirious state, having had watched the film five times straight.

Much has been said about how this film closes out the franchise. Time travel to stop the sharknadoes from ever starting is employed. A schmuck of a leading man bounces around time to save the world, meeting historical figures and stumbling through big events. Nazis, dinosaurs, American Revolutionary figures, knights, and far more are all exploited in a mashup of a plot with plotholes so big you could fly a jumbo jet through them. The requisite cameos of people playing themselves or unlikely roles (Latoya Jackson as Cleopatra? Seriously???) are all accounted for. People with a working brain might muse that time travelers could do us all a favour and remove Ferrante, Latt, Ziering, and Reid from the timeline.

“Sharknado has been a blessing,” Ziering was saying on stage, smiling like a loon. “Before all this started, I was in trouble. My days of teen hearthtrobness in 90210 was behind me. The parts had dried up, the loan sharks were ready to break my legs, and I was subsisting on dollar store macaroni and cheese every night. Now I’m a star again. Life is good for the Big Z.”

“It paid for my latest round of plastic surgery,” Reid added.

Fox smiled. “And you wouldn’t think to look at you.”

“Thanks. Wait, was that a compliment?” Reid asked.

“A lot of people have been talking over the last few days about how we wrapped things up,” Latt cut in. “Is this really the final Sharknado? Do Fin and April get the chance to have a happy ending and walk off into the sunset together? Or are we going to go back on our word and release, say, Sharknado 7: Revenge Of The Hammerheads. Incidentally, that’s only the working title for the next film. Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Reid spoke up again. “You know, people come up to us in the streets and thank us for making these films. Sharknado has become this cultural icon that the fans just love to pieces. Not shark bite sized pieces. I mean, it’s the kind of story you can sit down and watch with the kids and your grandma while sharks get tossed out of the skies and start eating Al Roker. It’s Americana, everyone. That Norman Rockhead guy couldn’t have painted it any better than how we tell it. Apple pie, football on Friday nights, and Sharknado. That’s America at its best.”

“Shakespeare, eat your heart out,” Ziering boasted. “If he was around today, he’d be writing stories just like this. Because Sharknado is high art. It’s our best expression of culture and spirit and ambition. I don’t see why we’re not getting lavished with awards for it, but maybe that’s just some big conspiracy to give awards to movies that aren’t as good as ours are. Particularly since we got rid of that miserable has-been Hasselhoff.”

David Hasselhoff, the Z-list actor, egotistical buffoon, and full blown alcoholic, had appeared in a couple of the films as Fin’s father Gil, but had been removed after fights with Ziering and a subsequent mutual restraining order preventing the two actors from being in the same place. An uneasy tension settled over the room, broken by a shout. “I heard that!” Everyone turned. There, standing at the back of the room, was the Z-list actor himself, with bloodshot eyes suggesting he had been drinking, holding a half empty bottle of vodka that confirmed that he had been drinking. He looked mad. “You take that back!”

Ziering sneered. “Make me!”

Hasselhoff advanced through the room. “I didn’t raise you to talk back, you punk!”

Fox asked, “Are you aware that you were only playing his character’s father?”

“Don’t confuse the Hoff with facts!” Hasselhoff bellowed, stumbling, pointing at Ziering. “Get down here, you snot nosed brat, and let’s settle this once and for all!” At this point, real reporters were quietly getting out of the way.

“Could we get some security in here?” Ferrante called.

“David, now we’ve talked about this,” Latt said in a reasonable tone. “There’s a restraining order out against you, and you’re not allowed to come out and antagonize our cast like this. Please step out before this becomes difficult.”

Ziering got up out of his chair. “I’ve kicked your ass every time you’ve started a fight, old man, remember? Or has the booze destroyed what’s left of your memory like it has your reputation?”

Hasselhoff glared. “Nobody talks to the Hoff like that!” He threw the vodka bottle at the stage. It missed by far, hitting the back wall, smashing into pieces. His expression of rage turned to shock. “Oh, no! My precious vodka!” For a moment he didn’t move, caught up in his own despair. Then he looked at Ziering again. “You made the Hoff do that! I’m going to kill you, you punk!”

The two charged at each other, Ziering throwing himself off the stage, Hasselhoff meeting him halfway. The actors started hitting each other, knocking into reporters, using chairs to smash into each other as the press conference turned into a melee. It ended with Hasselhoff on the floor, bearing more fresh cuts than the victorious Ziering, screaming over and over again, “He broke my beautiful face!”

As the groaning and whiny Hasselhoff was taken away by paramedics, Latt and Ferrante were apologetic to reporters. “We’ll make sure he never gets near one of our press conferences again. We’ll try to do better,” Ferrante vowed.

Latt nodded. “And when it comes time for Sharknado Ten: This Time We Really Mean It’s The Last One, hopefully by then Hasselhoff will either have choked on a combination of vomit, cheeseburgers, and beer… or he’ll have sobered up and changed his ways. I expect it’ll be the former.”

Ferrante looked at his fellow producer. “David, ixnay on the Sharknado Tenay.”

Latt looked back at him, confused. “Wait… did I say Sharknado Ten out loud?”

Curse Of The Endless Sharknado

Fifth Sharknado Film Infests The World, Drives People With Taste Up The Wall

Los Angeles (AP) Anthony Ferrante and David Michael Latt, the self described brain trust behind the Sharknado direct to TV series of awful films, are basking in the attention of the fifth film in the franchise, Sharknado 5: Global Swarming. The film series, which mangles basic physics and biology while providing jobs for Z-list actors, has seen actors Ian Ziering and Tara Reid play a husband and wife pair of nitwits improbably confronting sharks swept up out of the ocean and into places around the world, terrorizing everyone in their path.

Now the latest chapter of the franchise has made it to television screens on the Syfy Channel in the United States and has been making it to other cheese-fest cable stations around the world, bringing a story of a global sharknado epidemic, with the aforementioned nitwits being somehow the only people who can save the day. The latest chapter of the film continues the tradition of Z-list celebrity cameos, including Geraldo Rivera, Fabio, Al Roker, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Charo. Absent for this chapter was David Hasselhoff, who starred in a couple of the earlier films but who is the subject of a mutual restraining order after fights have broken out with Ziering. Neither one is permitted within five hundred feet of each other at all times.

Ferrante, Latt, Ziering, and Reid met reporters at the studios for the film company The Asylum recently to discuss the franchise. A clarification- real reporters, namely those with a working brain, and entertainment reporters, none of whom have a working brain. The latter slavishly drool and fawn over anything remotely famous, such as Z-list actors like Reid and Ziering. The actors looked thoroughly pleased with themselves as they joined the director and producer on stage.

“What can I say about Sharknado?” Ziering said. “It’s saved my career. Saved my life too. I mean, I’ve said it before, the loan sharks were going to break my legs before I got the role in the first film, and it’s kept me famous and on the right side of the financial ledger ever since. Pretty good for a guy who got famous for playing Steve Sanders on 90210. Hey, if Luke Perry’s out there watching right now? Screw you, buddy! Who’s on top now, you James Dean wannabe?”

As a side note, Perry himself, who’s been in the Archie-reboot series Riverdale for awhile, shrugged when told about Ziering’s taunt. “Honestly? I’m just glad to be working. In a role I don’t have to be ashamed of when I look in the mirror once or twice a day. How a guy goes through life being proud of playing opposite bad CGI sharks in really lousy movies is beyond me.”

Back to the matter at hand. Reid was prattling on while the entertainment reporters were gushing. “....and it’s meant so much to me to have this role, to be working again, to be recognized in the streets. The last thing I ever wanted to become was the sort of actor who stops working and the next thing you hear of them, it’s thirty years after their last role and they died in a county fair stage disaster mounting their forty seventh comeback. That’s not going to happen to me, no! Because there’s no stopping the Sharknado franchise!”

Ferrante nodded. “That’s right. We’re going to keep this series going. Make it a bigger annual tradition in America than Thanksgiving! Who needs turkey when you can have Fin and April carving up flying sharks with a chainsaw, right?”

“That’s right!” Ziering said. “People love us. They love Sharknado! They want more! Because we’ve touched a cultural nerve. This, ladies and gentlemen, is better than the Renaissance or the Enlightenment or any of that crap. This... is the Age of Sharknado! By the way, I’m copyrighting that term. Anyone using the phrase Age of Sharknado from this moment on has to pay me twenty thousand dollars.”

One of the entertainment reporters spoke up. “Did you miss working with David Hasselhoff this time out?”

Ferrante and Latt looked alarmed, as if wondering if the reporter had somehow blanked out the whole mutual restraining order between Hasselhoff and Ziering. Ziering looked incensed. “That old man? Who wants him in anything? Biggest egomaniacal ham I’ve ever seen in any project,  and don’t forget, I’ve worked with Shannen Doherty.”

There was a loud racket at the entrance to the hall, and a bellow. “Take that back!”

Everyone turned. There, standing there fuming, was one of the more obnoxious of the world’s Z-list celebrities. David Hasselhoff, self described as “The Hoff”, a talentless hack and punchline to a bad joke, wasn’t in on the film, after all, and there was that aforementioned bad blood he had with Ziering.

Ferrante rose up. “David, now we don’t want any trouble...”

Hasselhoff started coming down the aisle. “If you didn’t want any trouble, you should have just automatically written that bleached blond punk Ziering out of the film and made me the star! Because I am the star! Everybody loves the Hoff!”

“Not everybody, old man,” Ziering shot back, standing up, glaring at his rival.

“Shut up! Don’t interrupt the Hoff when the Hoff is talking!” Hasselhoff ordered.

“Don’t tell me to shut up!” Ziering hollered. “You shut up!”

“I told you to shut up first!” Hasselhoff countered. “You’re an embarrassment to the profession!”

Ziering came up around the table where the others were positioned. “Oh, I’m an embarrassment? You’re the guy who ate cheeseburgers off the floor during one of your drinking binges, old man!”

Latt looked around. “Could someone call security?”

Hasselhoff looked even angrier. “They’re not drinking binges! I drink to relax! To calm my nerves! To make myself feel better! I drink because the bottle’s the only thing that understands the Hoff! That doesn’t make me a... wait, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah! You’re an idiot, Ziering, and you’re stealing my thunder! Go back to 90210 already, Sanders!”

Ziering lunged, screaming, “It’s go time!”

What followed was another fight, two grown men kicking and punching at each other, clawing eyes, pulling at hair, delivering shots in each other’s direction. Security guards intervened to pull them apart, but Ziering got in one last punch, hitting Hasselhoff squarely in the nose.

Hasselhoff screamed in agony. “My nose! He broke my nose again!”

The two actors were dragged in different directions, yelling at each other the whole time. Reid looked puzzled. Ferrante shrugged, and Latt said, “What you just saw? That’s progress. They were far worse on set.  Anyway, folks, thanks for coming, and don’t forget... Sharknado 6 can’t be too far away, can it?”

Flying Sharks Versus The Hasselhoff Ego Storm

Fourth Incredibly Stupid Film In Incredibly Stupid Series To Air; Stars Oblivious To Reality

Los Angeles (CP) Sharknado will see a fourth television and direct to video movie released next month, with Sharknado 4: Brainless Tedium (this reporter’s subtitle) impending. The series, which has defied logic, common sense, and basic good taste, has featured washed up has been actors in preposterous peril involving sharks swept out of the sea by tornadoes and wrecking havoc on cities and far more. The last instalment, which featured dimwitted morons facing sharks in the skies and beyond, continued the tradition of utter stupidity of Sharknado. (editor: hey! Stop making fun of those films!)

Anthony Ferrante and David Michael Latt, the creative team- if you want to call what these two do as creative- behind the series, gathered together the press at the offices of production company The Asylum. That included real reporters- as well as the pestilent dimwitted scum that consist the roving body of entertainment reporters. The former were rolling their eyes and wondering what horrid thing they had done to merit this assignment (editor: you know exactly what you’ve done!). The latter were gushing and buzzing with excitement. This reporter, given the choice, would have preferred being at a Michael Bay press conference.

Ferrante and Latt arrived on stage, accompanied by their cast. Ian Ziering, who has managed to salvage a career left in ruins after Beverly Hills 90210 ended, has managed to star in each of these as Fin Shepherd, the bar owner turned professional sharknado fighter (this is a profession?), saving his family, the day, and even the country from marauding angry aerial sharks caught up in weather system. On a side note, should sharks who have been hurtled thousands of feet up in the air be more concerned with being out of the water or being thrown down towards pavement than they seem to be about chewing on people? Of course in a Sharknado film, logic, physics, and biology do not apply.

Ziering, Ferrante, and Latt were joined by other members of the cast- Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, David Hasselhoff, all back from previous instalments, along with the deranged looking Gary Busey, a new cast member this time out. There were also three burly security guards forming a wall between Ziering and Hasselhoff, who were both placed at opposite ends of the table. After a press conference featuring the two actors doing publicity for the third Sharknado degenerated into a fist fight, Ziering and Hasselhoff have been at each other’s throats. Hasselhoff had to have plastic surgery for a broken nose, and the actors apparently refused to film together.

“Welcome!” Ferrante said in a jovial way, pleased to see the crowd of reporters. This reporter was busy rolling his eyes and (editor: stop disrespecting pure entertainment!) “Thanks for coming out today and help us unleash the fourth Sharknado on the public. It’s been a great run thus far of highly entertaining and not at all scientifically preposterous films, with great actors filling vital heroic roles in our stories of man versus nature and man versus man and nature chewing on everyone. And by nature I mean, kick ass sharks feasting on hapless bystanders while...” Ferrante went on and on. This reporter spent the time visualizing sharks eating Ferrante.

Ziering was chattering on. “You know, I owe so much to the Sharknado films. They’ve made people take me seriously as an actor. Back before I got this role, the loan sharks were ready to break my knees. It was not a good time to be Ian Ziering.”

“Is there ever a good time to be Ian Ziering?” Hasselhoff called.

Ziering glared his way, and warned, “Shut up, old man, I’m talking.”

Busey, who was quietly staring at everyone with a bug eyed expression, muttered, “The best way to lose weight is to put salt on your ass and go to a petting zoo. But stay away from goats, because I've seen them fornicate with a mail box.”

There was a moment of silence. This reporter wondered when Busey had last been in the care of certified therapists or perhaps in a place with padded walls. If not, he certainly belonged there. (editor: you belong in a place with padded walls, you smirking bastard)

Reid spoke up to break the tension and awkwardness. “I’m as happy as Ian to be back. Granted, we can’t tell you how long I’m in the film. The last film had that big cliffhanger for my character. Does she live? Does she die? Will she live happily ever after or will she be smashed to bits? That’s for our wonderful audience to find out by watching. But of course they’ll watch. Everyone loves Sharknado, after all.”

This reporter spoke up. “Does it occur to any of you that the sort of excrement you produce with these Sharknado films is contributing to the dumbing down of society?”

Latt looked confused. “Anthony? What’s that word mean, excrement?”

Ferrante shrugged. “I’ll look it up later.”

Scerbo looked puzzled. “I think I know what it is. Has something to do with cows, right?”

Ziering carried on. “As I was saying, I owe a lot to Sharknado. It saved my knees, gave me a regular paying gig, and finally broke me out of the Steve Sanders stereotype I’d been in for years. I can’t understate how glad I was for that. And it’s given me great opportunities. Just between us, I’m pretty sure that I’m about to be cast on the stage in London to play Macbeth. What a great role. What a great word. Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth. Oh wait... isn’t there some superstition about that? Something to be fearful of?”

Busey blurted out, “You know what fear stands for? It stands out for False Evidence Appearing Real. It’s the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives.”

Hasselhoff sighed. “What were you thinking, casting Busey? There’s only room in this production for one truly great and truly eccentric actor, and that is me. Emphasis on great, because we all know that I’m the greatest actor to ever grace the big or small screen. I should be the one playing Macbeth!”

Ziering looked over at his onscreen father and offscreen nemesis. “Hey! Shut up! We all know I’m the best actor here, the greatest, the most outstanding. You’re just the washed up nobody who gets drunk and wolfs down cheeseburgers and gets it all caught on video.”

Hasselhoff turned, glaring at Ziering. “You take that back, you punk.”

Ziering shook his head. “Oh, and you’re a really lousy singer.”

“Why, you....” Hasselhoff burst forth from his chair, getting past the security guards and launching himself squarely at Ziering, knocking him off his chair, the two falling off stage, grabbing each other by the throat. “I’ll kill you!” Hasselhoff yelled.

“Washed up drunk!” Ziering countered, getting in a couple of extra punches.

The guards rushed in to pull them apart, struggling to get the two z-list actors under control, but not before Ziering got one last punch in. Hasselhoff screamed. “My nose! My nose! The bastard broke my beautiful nose again!”

The two actors were hauled away, while Reid, Scerbo, Ferrante, and Latt left the stage, looking sheepish. Gary Busey was left behind, still staring at everyone with that deranged, bug eyed expression. Then he spoke, his voice entirely reasonable, even if his words were not. “The thing about taking pictures of me in daylight, you will not see my teeth, because I am a vampire with a day pass. You should get some duct tape to cover your neck and you’ll be safe from me.”

Busey then got up, walked calmly out of the room, and was last seen chasing squirrels in a nearby park. In this reporter’s opinion, he clearly needs intensive psychiatric care, something that this reporter’s cranky editor could benefit from (editor: I’m feeding you to the sharks when you get back)

Sharknado Returns, So Root For The Shark

Sharknado Sequel Is Upon The World; Millions Roll Their Eyes In Dismay

Los Angeles (AP) Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell No is about to air across the cable Syfy channel and other dregs of the television universe, expected to draw in an audience consisting of two parts: halfwits who think it’s gloriously wonderful acting and true fact on the one hand, and people who want to laugh and roll their eyes in dismay at a trainwreck of a film.

The film, which brings back lead actors Ian Ziering and Tara Reid from the previous films, deals with yet another sharks in tornados disaster tale while giving the world two totally pointless characters played by pointless actors in a pointless film that stretches the limits of disbelief. The series from director Anthony Ferrante has dealt with cyclone-created twisters drawing sharks out of the oceans in Los Angeles and New York. These films have ignored the basics of science- such as the notion of tornados lifting dozens of sharks out of the ocean, the sharks somehow staying alive in the midst of those tornados instead of being torn apart or at the very least traumatized to death by the gale forces within, and those sharks being dropped into cities to devour the extras in their dying moments out of water. Now it appears that sharks are going to be across the Eastern seaboard, still alive as they drop in wherever the butchered plot demands they be dropped in to chew on the locals. David Hasselhoff and Bo Derek are among the new cast members.

The film might not have been made. Ziering and Reid were brutally slaughtered by killer rabbits while in Britain on a publicity tour for the previous film, at a time when the third film might have been set in Britain. However, they were among the z-list celebrities resurrected from the dead by mad scientist Magnus von Malice some months ago, after the supervillain plucked them out of the time stream from the moment before their deaths. Von Malice is now in the deepest darkest hole of a prison the world could find after his plans for world domination were thwarted by a very cranky Mountie and a vicious little dog.

Ferrante was pleased when he, Ziering, Reid, Hasselhoff, and Derek met reporters for a press conference on the weekend. “You know, I could have recast with other actors, other characters, but I was greatly pleased to know Ian and Tara were alive and well and not at all traumatized by their near brush with death.”

Reid seemed dazed. “Is it odd that I have memories of both a brutal death and of being plucked right back out of time just before that death? Professor von Malice did say he was kind of splintering time and that we’d have to put up with both sets of memories.”

“All I know is I’m scared of rabbits now,” Ziering added.

Ferrante shrugged. “Just as long as you’re not scared of sharks,” he said with a shrug. “And as it turns out, David Hasselhoff managed to be one of those resurrected major league stars....” Many reporters sighed in collective dismay at that remark- Hasselhoff, after all, was a two bit z-list actor who thought he was an A-lister. “...so of course I had to cast him in this as well.”

Hasselhoff laughed. “And of course I was happy to get involved in this. Everyone loves the Hoff!” Real reporters collectively sighed. Entertainment reporters were heard gushing with adoration.

Ferrante continued. “You know, this is a concept I can see going on and on. Sequel after sequel. And why confine it to summer in the films? We could have Sharknado Christmas, Sharknado Easter, Sharknado New Year's. Hell, even Sharknado Arbor Day. I don’t mind saying that I’ve got a lot of in-house references here and there in this film. Which is why I asked Michele Bachmann to do a cameo, and Ann Coulter to play the Vice President. They’re my kind of people. If only they actually were running the country. But to be fair, I’ve got a bipartisan approach to this whole thing... former Democratic Representative Anthony Weiner is making an appearance in the film too. He’d have been here himself, but he said he had some texting to do. I don’t know what that means.”

Bo Derek, who once upon a time was the fantasy of many a young man (and for that matter, some young women), looked bored. “I’m not entirely sure why I took this role. I mean, sure, I haven’t had much of a career since the early 80s, but still, I wasn’t that desperate for cash...”

“Well I sure was when I got cast in the first film,” Ziering said, immediately monopolizing the panel. “I mean, my career was at a low point, and the loan sharks were going to break my legs, but then, here I get the role of a lifetime, and it’s really paid off big time. Plus I got to pay off those pesky loan sharks and keep my knees in good shape, so that’s good.”

Ferrante nodded. “That’s right. You know, our lead actors have really touched the lives of everyone who’ve been inspired by the Sharknado franchise. They’re playing characters people can relate to. I am aware there are people out there who think of these films as cheesy or bad. They’re just saying that because they’re jealous of true genius. I can say this with all modesty... Sharknado as a series is one of the greatest concepts ever committed to the small screen or the big screen. This should win Oscars. Emmys. Tonys. Pulitzers. Grammys. The Nobel Peace Prize!”

Real reporters rolled their eyes once again. Ziering carried on speaking. “It’s a pleasure to play this role and take part in a series of films that people respond so well to. Everyone loves Sharknado, and I mean everyone. I mean, it’ll take you a long time to go out and find someone who can say they’d hate these films.” This reporter sighed, expecting that in this case, a long time would rate as 0.06 seconds, given the fact that this reporter loathed these cheesy films. After that, within five more seconds, five other people could be found who said the same, on any given day. Ziering was still prattling on. “...and I don’t mind saying, since I first took on this role, I have become something of a Renaissance man. I, Ian Ziering, am the cultural touchstone of the era.”

Hasselhoff looked over at Ziering. “Don’t be ridiculous. Everyone knows I’m the cultural touchstone of the era. I’m the Hoff, after all.”

Ziering smirked. “Do you ever actually look at yourself in a mirror? Everyone out there laughs at you.”

Hasselhoff got up angrily. “Look, you little punk, I brought you into this world, and by the power of Baywatch, I can take you out of it!”

Ferrante was starting to look slightly alarmed at this point, no doubt wondering if he should have just done a solo press conference. Ziering rolled his eyes. “You are aware you only played my father in this film, and that you’re not actually my dad? Or have the booze and burgers gone to your brain?”

At this point, Hasselhoff charged past Ferrante, yanking Ziering out of his seat, and the two started brawling. “Nothing to see here!” Ferrante called out to the press, waving at an unseen aide to close the curtains on the stage. Reid and Derek scattered backstage. “Nothing wrong at all, thanks for your time, move along, have a nice day! Nothing to see here!”

The curtains closed. And yet the noise continued, the sounds of crashes and breaking things clearly ringing out, along with the occasional grunt, a howl, and Hasselhoff screaming, “My face! My beautiful face!”