Frosty The Scary Reanimated Popsicle Person

A couple of outstanding items to be looked at before I get into anything else. First, my partner in crime Norma has been in pursuit of the Despicablimp, which has been in her part of the continent in recent days. You can find her blogging about it both at Blogger and at Wordpress, whichever happens to be your preference. Go on over, read it through, and comment!

Second, I did a guest blog for Lyn Fuchs over at his blog Sacred Ground about the 400th anniversary of Champlain coming up the Ottawa River. Head on over there, give it a read, and comment too!

Now then, today I'm doing a book review, for Barry Parham's satire You Gonna Finish That Dragon? I have reviewed Barry's twisted humor before, and you can find that review right here. The ebook itself can be found at Smashwords and over at Amazon. You can also find Barry's other works through those links.

And so, shall we begin?

"Roses they're buying, 

And teddy bears too

I think I'll order another pizza and watch the game in socks and a Nordic helmet

And nobody's all up in my face barking at me for slipping into non-rhyming  prose either."

"What can you expect from a country whose secret agents are so inscrutably evil that they captured Kiefer Sutherland during sweeps week, locked him in a secret prison, and tortured him so severely that the next season's plot contained characters who, we know for a fact, died two seasons ago."

"In a Twinkie-free post-apocalypse, what are the cockroaches supposed to eat?"

"If facebook was a country, it would be the third largest country on the planet, and Ron Paul would be demanding that we get our troops out of facebook."

"Other than one marginally actionable incident involving a staggeringly gorgeous bartender from Illinois and a bitter ferret from Charleston, I've studiously avoided activities that might result in me having to say things like 'Yes, Your Honor' and end up wearing loose fitting state issue clothing." ~ Barry Parham

These and much more are the sort of words of wisdom (and anarchy) you can expect from You Gonna Finish That Dragon? It's a new collection of columns and satire by Barry Parham, whose previous mayhem include books like Why I Hate Straws, Full Frontal Stupidity, and The Middle Age Of Aquarius. Barry tackles a broad range of subjects in his columns, compiled in his latest collection. Politics is a favoured subject for Barry, and Joe Biden is a frequent target, but far from the only one. President Obama's foibles are well on display (not to mention the irregular voting habits of the city of Chicago). And to be an equal opportunity foil, Barry pokes fun at Mitt Romney (I'll always think of him as Mittens). Not only do we get reminded of Mitt's creative ways of travelling with his dog, Barry also remarks on Romney's earlier incarnations, such as Mittus Romnius, who once saved the Olympic Games back in the days of old. Staying bipartisan in his jabs at political figures, Barry is just as likely to poke fun at Eric Holder as he is at Newt Gingrich... and yes, both men get jabbed repeatedly.

From there, we branch out into all sorts of directions. We learn the perils of eating sushi. He tells us just how abominably bad Christmas music can get, reminding us of just how much the gifts of the Twelve Days Of Christmas can end up backfiring, or noting that while My Favourite Things might have weaseled its way into the Christmas genre without reason, it's really just an excuse to shop. Barry explores the perils of single life (and the advantages) and the experiences of a regular nine to five job. And he tells us what things are like when you decide to go ahead and shave your head. He slips into his own variation on Dear Abby, giving outrageous advice and life wisdom, remarking on how a defendant can, for example, accidentally shoot a jury.

Through the book you'll learn a lot of things you might not have known. Such as why President Clinton had to pardon Newt Gingrich. The not so surprising fact that the world didn't come to an end as many thought the Mayans had predicted, and why that was a surprise to some. He explains the difference between the single guy and the bachelor, and takes us through the perils of facebook (yes, not capitalized, go over and have a look at the page. We'll wait. See? Told you). He warns of the danger of letting Martha Stewart get your phone number. And he takes us through the complicated history of the Twinkie. The sweet and delicious Twinkie. Yes, you're thinking of it right now, aren't you?

Barry Parham brings a clever way of telling a story to the table. He knows just where to put in a punchline, how to tell a joke and make it pay off. And he's got a gift for weaving current events into purely ludicrous humour. He's just as good with the slice of life side of things, the foibles of the person, and he knows how to give it all just the right balance. I found myself laughing out loud on many an occasion through the collection, and you will too.

Cue The Howls Of Outrage

Before I get started, have a peek over at Norma's blog, where she writes about a dilemma in her neighbourhood. 

Now then, onto today's shenanigans. Have your torches and pitchforks handy.

Well, after my last blog marking the summer, you know I just had to go in the opposite direction, right?

I keep telling myself these words: Soon. Very soon.

Throttle me at your convenience.

Yes, But It's A Dry Heat

Two items of business to see to before the mischief of the day. Have a look over at Glynis Smy's blog The Virtual Bookcase, where Norma's story An Army Of Angels is profiled. And go on over to our joint blog, where we have a Without A Word blog playing around with the television series Sherlock. Fans of Mr. Cumberbatch shall be amused...

Now then, as to today, well, the subject at hand is a pressing one. So without further ado, shall we begin?

I agree with Tardar Sauce. Summer is a seemingly endless ordeal. This summer's not been quite the normal one here. Plenty of rain, few heat waves. Though it's hot enough today. And with summer drawing to a close in the coming weeks (hallelujah!!!), winter can't be that far behind, right?

Soon enough we'll be dressed like this fellow below. Most of you will be complaining for some inexplicable reason. I don't know, I can't quite figure out why...

And so I leave you with an assortment of funny pics marking the summer. Enjoy!

The Revenge Of Crazy Charlie

Director Unveils New Film Sequel, Revels In Own Disregard For Continuity

Los Angeles (AP) Director Roland Emmerich, whose track record ranges from the surprising Stargate to the cinematic dreck that was Godzilla and 10,000 BC, held a press conference to announce his next film. Accompanied by producers Harald Kloser and Mark Gordon, Emmerich met the press with a bright smile. “Thank you all for coming. You know, I’ve been making films for a long time, and I love the process. I love the visual spectacle of it all, the way special effects make a movie come alive. You know, there have been some critics down through the years who accuse me of not paying attention to facts. Well, I say that depends on how you define facts.”

Reporters looked at each other with confusion, as if we were all wondering if Emmerich had finally lost his mind. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, my last film White House Down didn’t really connect with the film audiences. I’m not sure why. I mean, Jamie Foxx as the President should have been credible. And Channing Tatum as the hero should have worked. Sure, Channing doesn’t have a bit of brainpower in between his ears, but people don’t come to my movies to have their intelligence tested. Anyway, I’ll admit, I was confused by the disappointing box office. I had wondered if I could get away with a sequel called Buckingham Palace Down, with Irish terrorists taking over the Palace and holding people hostage. I thought about lining up Simon Pegg as the unlikely hero, a butler. I was even thinking of casting Jennifer Saunders as the Queen. I mean, I’m a big Absolutely Fabulous fan going way back. You all could have seen that idea working, right? But I heard back from the British that they weren’t interested in having the Palace or the Queen used in such a fashion. To quote them, the Queen said she was not amused. I mean, come on, I would have only destroyed the Palace in CGI!”

Gordon and Kloser got Emmerich back on track. It was a relief to those of us who were losing our patience.  “Oh, yes, ahem. So Buckingham Palace Down isn’t going to happen anytime soon. So then I thought of another film in my filmography. Yes, it seemed right to make a sequel to 2012.”

A Reuters correspondent spoke up.  “I don’t think that film needed a sequel.”

“Nonsense!” Emmerich proclaimed. “Yes, in 2012, I managed to tell a story where billions of people died, the planet was forever altered, and the few survivors ended up in a different world unlike what they had left behind. And yes, admittedly, much of that film was centered around a family that just happened to keep evading a horrendous death at every turn before ending up right where they needed to be. And yes, I was quite graphic in depicting catastrophes on a grand scale, but I ask you, is that such a bad thing?”

Reporters were quiet for a moment, an awkward tension in the air. Emmerich kept talking. “I had considered a story set with some of the survivors in Africa, but as it turns out, most of the cast members want to never work with me again for some reason. I’m not entirely sure why. Besides, John Cusack is busy doing that sequel with Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer. I wonder what would happen if Jerry and Michael and I did a film together... anyway, that’s not the point, not really. So we need to tell a different story, featuring the one member of the cast who did agree to come back to work with me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I announce to you the sequel, 2016: The Revenge Of Charlie Frost.”

There was a murmur of disbelief among the reporters. In 2012, Charlie Frost is played by Woody Harrelson. The character is a fringe conspiracy theorist, a paranoid and crazy lunatic who meets a bad end when Yellowstone National Park blows up in a massive volcanic explosion. This reporter spoke up. “Mr. Emmerich, how do you tell a story about a man who died in the first film?”

Emmerich shrugged. “Well, he didn’t die.”

“He was at ground zero for a mega-volcanic explosion,” this reporter pointed out. “Are you asking us to believe he survived that? You did watch your own film, did you not?”

Emmerich shrugged again. “Look, don’t bore me with facts. Here’s the thing. I know comic book movies are big right now, and there’s that Wolverine movie out and about. The guy has a permanent healing factor, right? So why can’t I borrow that for one of my characters? Why can’t he find himself waking up in the aftermath of a volcanic explosion, suddenly healed from his injuries?”

The Reuters reporter shook his head. “Sir, you are stretching the limits of believability.”

Emmerich sighed, and rolled his eyes. “People don’t come to my films for something they can find accurate. They come to be entertained. And I’ll entertain them. So the whole story follows Crazy Charlie in the years after the end of the world. The vast majority of the world’s population is gone. Things have been insanely changed forever. And yet Charlie keeps going on and on. Eventually, for some reason we haven’t figured out yet, he learns there are survivors in Africa. So he swims to Africa, all pissed off that the world didn’t quite come to an end. From there it becomes a slasher-revenge film.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” the Reuters reporter objected.

“Who says anything has to make sense?” Emmerich countered. “Look, it’s all very simple. Woody’s on board with the sequel. All I had to do was give him a really big bag of weed. In 2016, this film is going to be the box office champion. We’re going to tell a huge, epic story. Sure, it’s not going to make much sense, but what in life does make sense? Anyway, thank you for your time, and be sure you start saying good things about 2016: The Revenge of Charlie Frost! It’ll be the box office champion of all time!”

Emmerich left the stage with his producers. At this point, this reporter conferred with other reporters. We concluded that Emmerich has completely lost his mind. We also agreed that Buckingham Palace Down would be an even dumber idea than 2016: The Revenge of Charlie Frost.

Duncan Malloy Loses His Temper Again

Unexpected Sequel Greenlighted; Reporters Wonder Why

Los Angeles (AP) Touchstone Pictures and Disney Studios are backing a sequel from producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Michael Bay, to begin filming shortly. After the spectacular failure of Bruckheimer’s The Lone Ranger at the box offices, Disney executives were quick to want to recoup their losses by setting up a sequel for a film that came out in 1997. “Yes, we’re aware it’s been awhile,” Jane Davis, an executive in the Communications department for Disney told reporters at a hastily assembled press conference. “But we’re sure audiences will flock to this film, and the passage of time has allowed Jerry and Michael to approach this story with a fresh point of view.”

Bruckheimer and Bay, who have worked together in previous films like Armageddon and The Rock, came out on stage, waving to the crowd. Bay stopped to admire himself in a pocket mirror he kept in a jacket pocket, and flashed a smile at the crowd. Bruckheimer took to the podium. “It’s a pleasure to announce our joint venture today. You know, it’s been awhile since Michael and I worked together. And we didn’t get a chance to shoot the first film together. I had Simon West direct that one, but I wanted Michael to direct this one. And he was raring to go."

“Of course I was,” Bay remarked. “I would have loved to have filmed the first one. I mean, Con Air was right up my alley. Lots of explosions, lots of rock music, lots of mayhem and chaos, and Nic Cage. How could anything go wrong with that? At the time though I was really busy, so I couldn’t get in on it, but Jerry told me the story for this one, so I knew I had to get in on the ground floor.”

Bruckheimer nodded. “So today we’re announcing Con Rail, for a Memorial Day weekend 2015 release. We’ve already cast Nicolas Cage to return as Cameron Poe, and Monica Potter as his wife Tricia. They’re settled down and happily married, running a bed and breakfast in Illinois. There’s a bit of family tension, though. We can’t have a movie like this without dramatic tension. They’re on a rail trip west to attend their daughter Casey’s wedding.”

Bay smiled. “You see, Casey’s never been that close to her daddy, who was in prison for the first few years of her life. And the trauma of first meeting him all bloody and battered, and him giving her a soggy stuffed animal as a hello gift, well, it’s created this emotional wedge between daughter and father. So we’ve got that human interest dynamic storyline that’s sure to win this film a lot of Oscars.”

“Yes,” Bruckheimer agreed. “For some reason, the Academy refuses to give us Oscars. I don’t understand the reason. Maybe they take pity on the other films and decide that we don’t really need Oscars.”

Bay shrugged. “They’ll get around to it. Anyway, for reasons we won’t go into here, the train they’re on gets hooked up to a couple of train cars holding convicted criminals, for transport west to a Supermax prison. We’re talking the worst of the worst. Murderers, thieves, drug dealers, arms smugglers, jaywalkers. It’s all under the orders of Agent Duncan Malloy. Yes, we’ve got Colm Meaney back from the first film too, and he’s as cranky as ever. Last time out you might remember his sports car was demolished. This time we’re going to have his luxury speedboat destroyed during the film. And John Cusack’s back as US Marshal Larkin. Long story short, among the convicts being transported west is Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom’s twin brother Brutus Grissom. Yes, we’ve got John Malkovich back to play this new character, and believe me, he’s even nastier than his brother."

 Bay smiled, and continued. "So once he takes over the train and learns that the guy who killed his brother is among the civilian passengers, he’s looking for some payback. And we’ve got some of Hollywood’s biggest character actors agreeing to play other convicts in Grissom’s gang. Steve Buscemi is back as Garland Greene, because let’s face it, you can’t have a film like this without that character. And we’ve got Woody Allen as a white collar convicted accountant, Delroy Lindo and Josh Brolin as bank robbers, Vince Vaughn in the cast as a smartmouth convicted jaywalker, Owen Wilson as a serial killer, Seth Rogen as a drug dealer, Robert Pattinson as a sparkly wannabe vampire, and Rob Schneider as a crime lord. You’re talking about the best of the best in dangerous lunatics, all in one train. Mind you, some of these actors we had to pull strings to get them to join the cast. John Cusack had to have his arm twisted before he’d commit to reprising his role. So we had a guy named Buford twist his arm.”

Reporters were stunned. One reporter from Reuters asked, “Mr. Bay, somehow I doubt Amtrak would allow one of their trains to be hooked up to rail cars containing dangerous convicted criminals.”

Bay waved that off. “Details. Don’t bore me with the facts.”

Bruckheimer nodded. “We’re going to have a big rocking score for the film too. Hans Zimmer, Trevor Rabin, and Harry Gregson-Williams are going to work together to give us a score that’s going to blow your mind. Not to mention your eardrums. And since we work a lot of rock music into our film, there’ll be plenty of that too. Aerosmith is going to write a new song for the film. Something that’s just right for the emotional context of the story. And since most of the action’s going to take place in Colorado, we’re going to see if Lynyrd Skynyrd will do an updated song, Sweet Home Colorado.” He grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

Another reporter spoke up. “You do realize three of the original members of that band died in a plane crash, right?”

Bay and Bruckheimer looked confused. “They did?” Bruckheimer asked.

Bay sighed. “Look, that doesn’t matter. What matters is we’ve got a chance to do a lot with this film. Big explosions, speed boats getting destroyed for no reason, loud noise, heavy gunfights, nasty villains, and a heroic former army Ranger with strange hair. This is the kind of film Hollywood wants. This is the kind of picture that will sweep the Oscars. Nicolas is ready to go, and we’re eager to get this baby filmed. In the summer of 2015, everyone’s going to be talking about this film. Can I hear a hell yeah for Con Rail?” There was no response from the reporters. 

“Well, we’re about through here. If you’ll excuse us, I’ve got a session with my hairdresser. Looking this good takes work, you know...”

Bay and Bruckheimer left the room. Reporters quickly started talking amongst themselves, wondering why, after sixteen years, there was a need to make a sequel to Con Air.  In the opinion of this reporter, Hollywood has officially run out of ideas.

An Exercise In Stupidity

Saturday was an evening of contrasts. On the one hand, here on Parliament Hill, we had the final evening of three nights of what's called Fortissimo, a military marching beat retreat ceremony. A group of marching bands plays music across the large lawn on the Hill, with a combination of brass instruments, bagpipes, and drums. Accompanying all of this are foot soldiers, cannons, horses, and the bells of the Peace Tower. Everything's done with such precision and skill, and it's the sort of ceremony that you should see, if you get a chance to attend one of these ceremonies. The central part of the evening is an arrangement of the 1812 Overture. It was a pleasant evening, and a fun one. The crowd enjoyed it.

Then I got home, and lo and behold, stupidity personified lurked on television.

Every once in awhile a film comes along that lowers the bar for monumental stupidity. There's a piece of cinematic refuse out there called The Room, a film often called the worst film of all time, which has no sense of consistency, logic, storytelling, or characterization. It was directed, written, and produced by one man, who also starred in it, a guy who looks like Ozzie Osbourne's dumber, uglier brother, a chap by the name of Tommy Wiseau. It's been called the Citizen Kane of bad movies. A rep theatre near my home runs it once a month, for some inexplicable reason.

I tend to avoid what obviously looks like a stupid movie when they turn up in the theatres. I might pick up a DVD if I see it on a library express shelf, but I won't waste dollars on it. Hence I've seen something like Battleship, which represents a couple of hours I'll never get back. That film saw Liam Neeson wasting his time, Taylor Kitsch playing a complete screwup Navy officer who somehow manages to step up at the last minute and become a commander, and Rihanna prove decisively that she's a horrible actress. Oh, and lest we forget, we're supposed to accept that an advanced aggressive alien race with Transformers technology wants to engage in naval war like a game. And the final act features the mothballed USS Missouri saving the day, commanded by Officer Screwup and manned by retired veterans. It's a sequence so stupid that it's a disgrace to the real Missouri. Of course, that fits in with the rest of the film.

Syfy in the States is a channel we fortunately don't have on this side of the border, though some of its movies turn up on our cable too. It has a policy of making profoundly cheesy films with horrible special effects, actors who pretty much need to take any role they can get, and shoddy writing and directing. Recently they came out with Sharknado, a film of such tacky stupidity that of course it went viral. The audience is supposed to believe that a tornado could scoop up sharks out of the ocean and onto L.A., wrecking havoc with civilians, particularly some characters played by actors desperate for a paying gig. I had managed to avoid it.

Last week, Discovery had its annual Shark Week. The channel here is much like the one south of the border,   with some Canadian content, but sure enough, plenty of shark related material. I'd use the word documentary, but Discovery has really set the bar low for the term documentary. It's mostly what we call Shark Porn (no, not sharks copulating, though it wouldn't surprise me). By Shark Porn, I mean rapid fire editing of sharks swimming through the water, chewing up whatever, banging into shark cages, baring their big teeth (side note to the editors at Discovery Channel: rapid fire editing is visual clutter. You people are idiots). And this goes on all week.

Well, the other night, to finish off the week, our Discovery Channel aired Sharknado. I was home late, but it started late as it was. I was watching something else, flipped channels during a commercial, and found this embarrassingly bad program going on. It didn't take long to realize... Ian Ziering turning up on screen confirmed it. I didn't linger to watch... just momentary looks during commercials was enough to leave me rolling my eyes. Horribly wooden acting, bad script, and a complete inconsistency in the story. One moment you'd have clear rain. The next moment, dry and somewhat sunny. And very confused characters trying to avoid falling sharks. All while trying not to look right at the camera and apologize for the bad effects and story.

I did see the end, which had my eye rolling going on hyperdrive. We're supposed to accept that a woman can be swallowed whole by a shark in mid air and survive the crash to earth (to be rescued a few minutes later). We're supposed to accept that an animal like a shark, caught up in the air in the heart of a tornado, would still be alive long enough to fall to earth (as opposed to being dead of massive trauma). Come on! If the shark found itself falling to earth, thrown out of a tornado, I'm more inclined to think it might be thinking something like this:

"I'm falling! I'm falling! I don't want to die! Oh, great Shark-Ra! By The Sacred Sharp Teeth, I pray thee, save your loyal servant from falling into the..." SPLAT!!!!!!

As opposed to, oh, hitting the ground, attacking a human, and getting in one more bite before their deaths. And seriously, are we supposed to expect that a guy with a chainsaw could cut his way out of a shark's body (and save the aforementioned woman who got swallowed whole)?

Ian Ziering, who years ago started out on Beverly Hills 90210, looked in the scenes I saw as if he was thinking, "You know, I wonder if I had never taken that role in the first place, if I might have had a chance to slowly build an acting resume of character roles, instead of spending years living down being a star of that show, not getting cast in anything, and being forced to star in a piece of dreck called Sharknado. Who knows? Maybe I could have been in Breaking Bad if I had passed on Steve Sanders. Damn, I hate my life..."

And of course, Syfy is already making a sequel to this stupidity. So more actors desperate for any part will feature prominently, more lapses in common sense will ensue, and more horrible writing and directing will result. And since such production companies have never heard of doing too much of a bad thing, expect even more stupidity to come. Perhaps like some of the following?