Pesky Aliens, Interrupting My Barbecue

The sequel hits theatres this weekend (a whole week before it might have made sense for the film to come out), and so I thought it would be a good idea to review the original, twenty years on.

“I ain’t heard no fat lady!” ~ Steven Hiller 

“Forget the fat lady, you’re obsessed with the fat lady. Just get us out of here!” ~ David Levinson

“Look at us. Everybody’s trying to get out of Washington, and we’re the only schmucks trying to get in.” ~ Julius Levinson

“I picked a hell of a day to stop drinkin’.” ~ Russell Casse

“Oh my God, I gotta call my brother, my housekeeper, my lawyer. Nah, forget my lawyer.” ~ Marty Gilbert

“Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist.” ~ Thomas Whitmore

“This was supposed to be my weekend off, but nooo, you got me out here, draggin’ your heavy ass through the burning desert with your dreadlocks sticking out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin’ all big and bad.” ~ Steven Hiller

“It’s like in chess. First you strategically position your pieces. Then, when the timing’s right, you strike. See? They’re positioning themselves all over the world usin’ this one signal to synchronize their efforts. In approximately six hours, the signal’s gonna disappear and the countdown’s gonna be over.” ~ David Levinson

It’s been twenty years since Independence Day hit the theatres. The film, from director Roland Emmerich and writer-producer Dean Devlin, did big business in the summer of 1996, weaving an epic disaster tale with a cast of disparate characters. In the face of an alien invasion, the story waves flags without hesitation, invests a good deal of humour, creeps out the audience, and has special effects that look convincingly like the annihilation of the world is well under way. While all of that occasionally comes at the cost of characterization for some members of the cast, the film nonetheless is a thrill ride.

The film opens with the approach of a massive ship towards Earth from the depths of space, a ship that starts deploying smaller spacecraft to take up positions around the planet. We quickly meet some of the key players in the film. Captain Steven Hiller (Will Smith) is a combat pilot, eager to join the astronaut program, but worried that his relationship with Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox) might be problematic for his chances. Thomas Whitmore (Bill Pullman), a former fighter pilot and now the President of the United States, is briefed on the detected approach of something into Earth’s orbit. David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum), a computer expert who’s taken to working as a satellite technician, is puzzled by a signal he’s discovered in the planet’s satellite systems.

There are other players introduced before things all go wrong. Constance Spano (Margaret Colin) is David’s ex-wife, now working as the Communications Director at the White House. Marilyn Whitmore (Mary McDonnell) is the First Lady, in Los Angeles for official functions when the story begins. Julius Levinson (Judd Hirsch) is David’s grouchy father, living in New York in retirement and playing regular chess games with his son. General Grey (Robert Loggia) is a Marine commander, head of the American Space Command and a mentor of sorts to the President, who now outranks him. These and other characters form the human side of what ends up becoming an apocalyptic nightmare when the alien ships have themselves positioned and start unleashing city destroying attacks on their first targets.

Emmerich and Devlin had worked together before, having had written Stargate together for a release two years earlier, a film that Emmerich directed as well. Stargate is the more imaginative of these two films, and Independence Day is not quite a sequel to that film, but certainly in the same spirit, with malevolent aliens, a fight for freedom, and a visual gag of sorts involving a nuclear weapon. The two parted ways after their work on Godzilla, but have come back together to work on a sequel to Independence Day. This film’s story drew out of a question about Stargate- what it would be like to wake up one morning and see a massive alien ship hovering over your city, and that’s a visual that shows itself through the film. It’s an interesting premise to start off with, and the script takes on the notion of alien invasion and turns it into a full blooded attack on a global scale.

The film carries a message or two through the story. One is the will to survive, something that comes across in the better written characters. The other is the concept of environmentalism; David is an avid environmentalist, worried about the world he’ll one day leave behind (to the point where he’s obsessive compulsive about what trash goes where). On the other hand we have the aliens, whose motives are simple but malevolent: move from planet to planet, wipe out resistance, and harvest the planet’s resources on an industrial scale. Some of the characters are written better and fleshed out more than others-  there are stereotypes at play here, as well as gratuitous content that doesn’t really serve the story, but in a film about spectacle, that’s to be expected. The story does lean towards America- unabashed patriotism, most of the world mentioned or glimpsed as it deals with the invasion, but the story’s emphasis strongly on what’s happening in America.

Emmerich’s direction works for this film, as it did for Stargate, though later films would start to show some problems; The Patriot messes around with history, Godzilla didn’t get the big bad beast right, and The Day After Tomorrow is, to put it mildly, playing fast and loose with science. His films since then have tended to be unwatchable- 10,000 B.C. and 2012 are wretchedly awful. For this film, however, he paces the story well, even if some of the characters are stereotypes and underdeveloped. The film follows a nightmare scenario- but only so far, as the whole point is to save the day rather than become an ultra nihilistic apocalypse.

The visual effects play to that- both physical and CGI. The production designs for the aliens and their ships, for instance, certainly look otherworldly. Rather than a guy in a suit as you might have seen decades ago, the creatures look extra terrestrial. Their ships, dark and menacing, fit their agenda. And the destruction they wreck- particularly kicking things off with destroying Los Angeles, New York, and Washington- still looks convincing, which is a good thing in a disaster film. That said, the destruction is not over the top in the way Emmerich’s team would later do in 2012, which ended up annoying me. David Arnold did the score for this film, following up his outstanding score on Stargate with a full blooded action heavy score that didn’t shy away from sheer American patriotism- ironic, considering he’s a Brit.

The cast is hit and miss though, and that’s less on the actors than it is on the script, which gives some actors more to do and tends to underwrite others. James Rebhorn, the character actor one has seen in countless television and movie roles, plays something of a snivelling weasel as the Secretary of Defense; his Albert Nimzicki is something of an antagonist in that he’s secretive and argumentative, seemingly always being the obstacle to getting things done. Adam Baldwin, who’s done a whole lot on film and television (including a memorable role in the classic Firefly and Serenity television and film projects) plays the part of a military officer at Area 51 with both authority and sympathy.

Brent Spiner, who’s best known for his android Data role in Star Trek: The Next Generation looks entirely different as the eccentric (perhaps crazy) scientist at Area 51, Doctor Okun. The character is unkempt, socially awkward, and in desperate need of a haircut, and Spiner certainly plays him as bizarre. Harvey Fierstein appears early on as David’s boss Marty; the role is stereotypical in more than one way, as a stereotype of a gay man and a chattering New Yorker. One gets the impression Fierstein is pretty much just playing Fierstein, but he certainly does contribute some of the humour to the film. Randy Quaid, who later lost his mind in real life, plays the alcoholic pilot, alien abductee, and comedy relief we meet early on. He’s over the top in the way he plays the widowed father and proverbial train wreck, and ends up being the hero of the day- one wonders if the character’s nuttiness was a prelude of what was to come of the actor. 

Judd Hirsch also gets a bit of a stereotype role, though he does more with it and is more likable as things go along. He’s the cranky Jewish father, playing the role at first almost like it was a stock theatre role (the actor ends up looking older than he was at the time). And yet there’s a quiet wisdom and concern, pride, and loyalty for his son that quickly establishes itself through the rest of the story. Robert Loggia also gets a fairly well written role as General Grey, the high ranking officer in charge of Space Command who has a well established connection with the President, something of a father and son sort of bond. He plays the role with gruff authority.

The women in the film seem to be underdeveloped. Vivica A. Fox gets to play opposite Will Smith as his character’s girlfriend Jasmine, a single mother making a living as an exotic dancer. There’s really no point to that for the story, and feels gratuitous. She does, however, come into her own amid death and destruction, and the character proves to be rather resourceful. Mary McDonnell, whose work I’ve enjoyed in the past, seems written more or less as a supportive and loving First Lady whose ultimate fate is generally to provide the President with a reason to grieve. And Margaret Colin appears as Connie, a woman caught between her highly responsible job and a former marriage that still means something to her. The actress makes the most of what the script gives her- including interjecting some humour into it- and we can believe her relationship to David in how she and Jeff Goldblum interact, but the script doesn’t serve her well enough.

Bill Pullman gets a good role as the President, an amiable former military pilot and war hero from Desert Storm who’s gone into politics. He’s a loyal husband and father, principled and strong when he needs to be. When we first meet him, it’s suggested by political commentators on television that the young Chief Executive might well be out of his depth. He ends up facing a nightmare scenario, coupled with grief, and yet rises to the occasion. His decision to take to the skies though is a perplexing one- surely a President in such a scenario, where he is effectively all that remains of the government, would understand that his place is on the ground, not among the dangers of an air battle. That, however, is more the story than the role, as it seems to be a way for Emmerich and Devlin to give the actor a heroic role in the climax of the film as opposed to what would make sense.

Jeff Goldblum is one of those actors who can make pretty much anything interesting, which is what he does with this role. He brings a charm and eccentricity to his work, both of which play out through the film. David is an environmentalist at heart, and an exceptionally smart guy working in a line of work he’s overqualified for. He gets along well enough with his father when we first meet him, can get lost in his work, and has unfinished business with his ex-wife. And yet when he realizes the peril the world is in, his first thought is of his ex. Their bond is one that owes more to the actors’ performances than the script, but we can believe them as a couple. Goldblum gives his role a wry sense of humour and a calm under pressure (mostly, anyway) sensibility that makes us like him.

Will Smith plays the heroic Captain Steven Hiller with charm, brashness, and attitude. It’s through his eyes that we get the experience of waking up one morning and seeing a massive alien ship hanging over your city. He gives his character the swagger you’d expect out of a combat pilot, adding the nuance of ambition- Hiller wants the experience of being an astronaut, even while his current relationship might be a disqualifying factor. As the film goes along and we get to know him more, the audience does like him. Smith, whose history as an actor is a bit hit and miss with me- some films I like, others I don’t care for- makes the most of this role, and particularly in the later stages, while Hiller and David are deep in peril, the friendship that comes out of it feels genuine, something that both actors really bring out in their performances.

Independence Day is a whole lot of spectacle, chaos, and destruction, promising fireworks and pretty much delivering. While some of its characters benefit at the expense of others, it’s nonetheless a whole lot of fun. One just wonders, with the sequel out there... didn’t they pretty much wipe out the aliens this time? How much story was there really left to tell?

Four Score And Seven Sequels Ago

Some links before I get myself started today. Yesterday was a Snippet Sunday at our joint blog. Krisztina has a different kind of challenge at her blog. And the Whisk had a Red Shirt Sunday at her page yesterday. 

Director Announces New Film Sequel; Reporters Ponder What He Is Thinking

Los Angeles (AP) Director Roland Emmerich met reporters at the offices of Centropolis Entertainment yesterday, announcing an unlikely film project, something that may or may not be a sequel for an earlier film. Emmerich, who is known for films like Stargate, Independence Day, and The Day After Tomorrow, was introduced by one of his staffers as he arrived on site to speak to reporters. This reporter, having had landed seemingly in the permanent bad books of his editor, was condemned to cover the event. At least Emmerich isn't as self absorbed as Michael Bay.

"Thank you for coming," Emmerich said as he stepped up to the podium. "Today I am announcing a new film, reuniting myself with a number of cast members from a previous film. Is it a sequel? Well, that depends on what you think of as sequels. Yes, this involves some of the same actors, but they are playing different characters. In a manner of speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, my next film is a Civil War drama I'm calling The Patriot Returns."

Reporters were puzzled. The original film, which played fast and loose with history, was set during the American Revolution and featured, among other things, a pack of children who did not age one day in a period of several years. What room was there for a sequel, decades later during the war? Emmerich went on. "My concept is very simple. Benjamin Martin's family has carried on through the generations after the Revolution. The Civil War comes about, and his grandson James Martin is a Pennsylvania farmer and state legislator. I chose to move things up north for the sake of the story, because we can't have a Confederate as a hero, can we? Anyway, he's been an officer, served in the Mexican War, and has something of a reputation from those days as a bit of a lunatic. He's a widower with a bunch of kids, has himself a really hot sister-in-law, and they've got some unresolved sexual tension going on. He gets involved in the war, and what he doesn't know is that there's a British officer out there looking for him." Emmerich smiled, pausing for effect before continuing.

"He's the grandson of Colonel Tavington from the first film. It seems that our Colonel Lucius Tavington grew up pissed off at that colonial who killed his grandfather, and swore he'd get even somehow, some way. And finding out that there's an officer out there who's descended from the colonial is the perfect opportunity for revenge. So, despite the fact that the British are staying outside of the whole thing, Tavington goes to America to join the Confederate army on the infinitely small chance that he might come across that grandson on a battlefield, even if he has no idea what he looks like."

Reporters looked at each other, baffled by the concept. Having had already mucked up the historical timeline of the American Revolution in The Patriot, Emmerich would undoubtedly do the same with the Civil War. This reporter spoke up. "You do realize you're just rehashing a lot of the original film?" 

Emmerich shrugged. "That's a matter of opinion. And hey, since I can't have Heath Ledger come back to play his own grandson and have the same dynamic with Mel- unless I find a way to raise him from the dead... anyone know a voodoo doctor? I decided to change that dynamic to the eldest child being a daughter who's somewhat at odds with her father, deciding to pass herself off as a guy and fight in the war. Wouldn't that be a good idea? Anyway, I'll start announcing the cast, and it occurs to me I've already announced one of them. Playing Colonel James Martin, I give you Mel Gibson!"

Gibson came out and waved to the crowd of reporters. "Hey there! Nice to be back, and working with Roland again. And I get to have yet another chance to act out on my loathing of the English, so that's a great thing!"

"Mel, you're such a kidder," Emmerich told him.

"Who said I was joking?" Gibson countered.

Emmerich shrugged. "Returning again to play the grandson of the original villain, this time as Colonel Lucius Tavington, say hello to Jason Isaacs!"

Isaacs emerged from backstage and waved. "Roland promised my character would get plenty of opportunities to sneer and roll my eyes again, so how could I pass on that?

Emmerich nodded. "You do that so well, too. As well, I've got Joely Richardson returning to the cast, playing the really hot sister-in-law who just happens to look exactly like the second wife of James Martin's grandfather. No, there's no Freudian things going on in this story, so don't read anything into that. Joely, come on out!"

Joely Richardson stepped out on stage, joining her other cast members and the director. "It was either this or a follow up series to Nip Tuck, and frankly I find Julian McMahon to be pretty repulsive."

Emmerich nodded. "Well, we're going to have a lot of fun making this film. We're going to make history with The Patriot Returns, and if that means we have to mess around with history, so be it. I mean, just imagine the operational concept for the Battle Of Gettysburg coming not from the generals on the scene, but from a Pennsylvania ranger."

"Who's carrying the American flag all over the field," Gibson chimed in.

"Can't forget that," Emmerich agreed.  "It's going to be one of my biggest set pieces. I'm even thinking of having him load the flag into a cannon, fire it, and having it impale Jefferson Davis."

Reporters stared at Emmerich for a long silent moment. A Reuters correspondent asked, "You are aware that didn't actually happen?"

Emmerich shrugged. "Like what actually happened matters! I'm making a movie! And if that means having Mel Gibson's character stand in for the President and give the Gettysburg Address with a fake beard, so be it!"

"Yeah!" Gibson said. "Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in hating the English..." This reporter sighed, and zoned out the rest of the press conference. Rumor has it that Heath Ledger was rolling over in his grave.

Revenge Of A Giant Cranky Lizard Part One

Before I get into today's mayhem, links to see to first. Norma had this post about looking at reviews for her novel, The Unicorn's Daughter. Mark writes at his page about powdered alcohol. It was Friday yesterday, and so Parsnip had Square Dog Friday.

Today then, the first of two reviews. With the new film out in theatres this weekend (review expected for Monday), I thought I'd look back at the 1998 disaster as a counterpoint.

"He's not some monster trying to evade you. He's just an animal. If you find what he wants, he'll come to you." ~ Nick

"Okay, party's over, time to leave. Anyone care to join me?" ~ Philippe

In 1998, Roland Emmerich directed the big budget American Godzilla, an over the top action thriller with the big beast from Japanese films redesigned (in a way that annoyed traditionalists) and attacking New York.  The film was savaged by critics, and despite making a healthy box office at the time, no sequel was ever made, and the film's largely considered a failure. For good reason.

The original concept of Godzilla in the Japanese franchise was a response in the post-World War Two era to the trauma of nuclear bombs. The beast was tied to nuclear testing and was a reminder of the consequences of the cataclysmic power of the atom. It spawned sequels, with the gigantic lizard often pitted against other monsters. Most of those films featured men in rubber suits stomping on tiny model cities- special effects were, to say the least, minimal at best. Emmerich and his production partner Dean Devlin wrote the script after their success with Stargate and Independence Day. 

The film opens with unexplained incidents at sea involving a mysterious force moving through the Pacific, attacking fishing trawlers and heading east. It's attracting the attention of the American military, who enlist a scientist, Niko "Nick" Tatopoulos (Matthew Broderick), who's been busy studying the effects of radiation on worms around Chernobyl. He meets Colonel Hicks (Kevin Dunn), the officer assigned to oversee the search, and Elsie Chapman (Vicki Lewis), the scientist in charge of the civilian side of things. And he quickly learns that there is something very large out there, something that for its own reasons has crossed Central America and seems to be swimming for the Eastern Seaboard (the reason being that New York City is a convenient place to get totally trashed by a gigantic monster). A French spy (Jean Reno) and his team are shadowing the search. And when the cranky giant lizard finally arrives in New York, the story brings in Nick's ex girlfriend Audrey (Maria Pitillo) and a local cameraman (Hank Azaria) nicknamed Animal. What ensues is mass destruction as the beast blasts his way through town and picks fights with the military. 

Where to begin with what's wrong? Emmerich and Devlin's story a good place to start with ye olde proverbial laundry list of disasters. Logic is thrown out the window. It's overblown and silly, dedicating itself entirely to action at the cost of characterization. It lifts things without shame from much better films, like Jurassic Park and The Lost World (the baby Zillas are pretty much an attempt to capitalize on the frightening raptors of those films). It asks us to accept- as other versions have asked- that an animal this big would be walking around causing destruction, when in reality the sheer weight of the animal would collapse and destroy its lungs, killing it quickly (one of those leaps of logic). The film is something that we should be shutting off our brains while watching, but it's impossible. The inaccurate science, the stupidity of the story, and the disregard of logic make it all implausible. Godzilla is all about being over the top but having little substance. Characters are sketchily developed, leaving it in the hands of actors to make what they can of the roles; some succeed, others do not. The dialogue often comes across as juvenile. 

The whole movie feels like it's drowning at times. For some reason the whole thing needed to be soaked in rain- to the point where the audience feels like they've been in a downpour. New York is rendered as a drenched hellhole (even before Big G starts going ballistic). When the critter (and his offspring) start running wild, this should be the point where the special effects kick in and start really shining (and distracting one from the weaknesses of the plot). That doesn't happen. Godzilla is inconsistent at times, mostly seen in flashes and in dim lighting (convenient to allow special effects to render him underwhelming). At times we're supposed to guess how big he is; that's the problem with the inconsistencies. He goes about totaling the city, picking fights with military forces, and being a really bad houseguest (this happens with giant monsters). While the destruction of the city is rendered well enough (with the destruction of Madison Square Garden in particular spectacular), the inconsistency of the special effects teams in regards to the beast and the hatchling monsters hurts the film as a whole. One element of the crew that's worth mentioning, however, is composer David Arnold. This is one of those movies that comes along where the music score is the only redeeming quality of the film (it happens more often than you might think). Arnold had worked with Emmerich and Devlin on Stargate and Independence Day before, and this was his last collaboration with them. As with the earlier work, his score was richly dark, thrilling, and magnificent- worlds better than the material of the film itself. At the time, Arnold was just starting out the beginning of a long run of James Bond scores, so he came out of this successfully.

The inconsistency extends to the cast, some of whom are better than the material deserves, some... well, who are not. Vicki Lewis is one of the former. She plays Elsie with a sardonic air, something of a smart aleck and cynic. She's underused, but even so, there's something of a spark between her and Nick- I find myself often wondering why they didn't go with that angle instead for a love interest. I've seen her in other work, and like what she's capable of. Kevin Dunn's an actor who deserves better than the material in question. He also turned up in Michael Bay's Transformers series, which would rate as another bad choice, but I've seen him in other films that give him better material- such as the sympathetic political operative in Dave. He's wasted here. Michael Lerner's another actor who should have known better, an interesting character actor who has to play the obnoxious local mayor (paired with one of his aides, the two characters are a direct lookalike insult to the late critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert). Harry Shearer, a comedian who's done a lot of respected work as a cast member of The Simpsons and as part of the mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap is also wasted as a lecherous local television anchor. And Doug Savant- whose acting skills I can't really comment on one way or another, since I haven't seen him in anything else- spends much of the film looking confused as a military sergeant who's pretty much in charge of things on the ground as infantry runs around the city trying to track down the big cranky lizard. 

The leads are also inconsistent. I'll start with the weaker side of things. I have not seen Maria Pitillo in anything else, so I can't comment on her qualities as an actress. I suspect, however, that the problems with her character are more of a reflection on the profound weaknesses of the script. Her Audrey is a whiny kind of daydreamer stuck in a rut, and yet also something of an opportunist willing to do something underhanded to get ahead. It's not a sympathetic character, and yet we're supposed to like her because she had a thing years ago with the lead character and neither of them quite got over it. Her colleague Victor (aka Animal) is another problem in the cast. Hank Azaria might just be playing Hank Azaria (from the other stuff I've seen him in, aside from his voice work in The Simpsons, he doesn't strike me as having much range), and he plays Victor as a sarcastic wiseass, and he comes across as pretty obnoxious. Is it that hard for a gigantic monster to stomp someone like this into paste? The other two leads are better than the material deserves. Jean Reno is a well respected French actor who, at this point in his career, had started branching out into American films as well. He plays the spy as a decisive leader, trying to fix a problem his country has inadvertently created. He's resourceful, pragmatic, and courageous, and he comes across as someone not to be trifled with. Matthew Broderick is similarly wasted in this film; he's capable of much better. He plays the role as a knowledgeable, curious fellow who follows evidence and hard data, making leaps of logic at times. He's exasperated by the fact that people keep mispronouncing his name, and more than one time in this disaster do we see Broderick with an expression that makes us wonder if he was thinking he made a mistake when he signed onto this disaster.

Godzilla, as envisioned by Emmerich and Devlin, is an exercise in stupidity that leaves the audience needing to leave their brain at the door. It's all spectacle and little substance that glosses over the deeper issues that made the original franchise relevant (otherwise who could find a guy in a rubber dinosaur suit interesting?), and wastes the talent of some good actors who should have known better. Yes, it has its moments, but generally speaking, it's a muddled mess.

The Revenge Of Crazy Charlie

Director Unveils New Film Sequel, Revels In Own Disregard For Continuity

Los Angeles (AP) Director Roland Emmerich, whose track record ranges from the surprising Stargate to the cinematic dreck that was Godzilla and 10,000 BC, held a press conference to announce his next film. Accompanied by producers Harald Kloser and Mark Gordon, Emmerich met the press with a bright smile. “Thank you all for coming. You know, I’ve been making films for a long time, and I love the process. I love the visual spectacle of it all, the way special effects make a movie come alive. You know, there have been some critics down through the years who accuse me of not paying attention to facts. Well, I say that depends on how you define facts.”

Reporters looked at each other with confusion, as if we were all wondering if Emmerich had finally lost his mind. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, my last film White House Down didn’t really connect with the film audiences. I’m not sure why. I mean, Jamie Foxx as the President should have been credible. And Channing Tatum as the hero should have worked. Sure, Channing doesn’t have a bit of brainpower in between his ears, but people don’t come to my movies to have their intelligence tested. Anyway, I’ll admit, I was confused by the disappointing box office. I had wondered if I could get away with a sequel called Buckingham Palace Down, with Irish terrorists taking over the Palace and holding people hostage. I thought about lining up Simon Pegg as the unlikely hero, a butler. I was even thinking of casting Jennifer Saunders as the Queen. I mean, I’m a big Absolutely Fabulous fan going way back. You all could have seen that idea working, right? But I heard back from the British that they weren’t interested in having the Palace or the Queen used in such a fashion. To quote them, the Queen said she was not amused. I mean, come on, I would have only destroyed the Palace in CGI!”

Gordon and Kloser got Emmerich back on track. It was a relief to those of us who were losing our patience.  “Oh, yes, ahem. So Buckingham Palace Down isn’t going to happen anytime soon. So then I thought of another film in my filmography. Yes, it seemed right to make a sequel to 2012.”

A Reuters correspondent spoke up.  “I don’t think that film needed a sequel.”

“Nonsense!” Emmerich proclaimed. “Yes, in 2012, I managed to tell a story where billions of people died, the planet was forever altered, and the few survivors ended up in a different world unlike what they had left behind. And yes, admittedly, much of that film was centered around a family that just happened to keep evading a horrendous death at every turn before ending up right where they needed to be. And yes, I was quite graphic in depicting catastrophes on a grand scale, but I ask you, is that such a bad thing?”

Reporters were quiet for a moment, an awkward tension in the air. Emmerich kept talking. “I had considered a story set with some of the survivors in Africa, but as it turns out, most of the cast members want to never work with me again for some reason. I’m not entirely sure why. Besides, John Cusack is busy doing that sequel with Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer. I wonder what would happen if Jerry and Michael and I did a film together... anyway, that’s not the point, not really. So we need to tell a different story, featuring the one member of the cast who did agree to come back to work with me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I announce to you the sequel, 2016: The Revenge Of Charlie Frost.”

There was a murmur of disbelief among the reporters. In 2012, Charlie Frost is played by Woody Harrelson. The character is a fringe conspiracy theorist, a paranoid and crazy lunatic who meets a bad end when Yellowstone National Park blows up in a massive volcanic explosion. This reporter spoke up. “Mr. Emmerich, how do you tell a story about a man who died in the first film?”

Emmerich shrugged. “Well, he didn’t die.”

“He was at ground zero for a mega-volcanic explosion,” this reporter pointed out. “Are you asking us to believe he survived that? You did watch your own film, did you not?”

Emmerich shrugged again. “Look, don’t bore me with facts. Here’s the thing. I know comic book movies are big right now, and there’s that Wolverine movie out and about. The guy has a permanent healing factor, right? So why can’t I borrow that for one of my characters? Why can’t he find himself waking up in the aftermath of a volcanic explosion, suddenly healed from his injuries?”

The Reuters reporter shook his head. “Sir, you are stretching the limits of believability.”

Emmerich sighed, and rolled his eyes. “People don’t come to my films for something they can find accurate. They come to be entertained. And I’ll entertain them. So the whole story follows Crazy Charlie in the years after the end of the world. The vast majority of the world’s population is gone. Things have been insanely changed forever. And yet Charlie keeps going on and on. Eventually, for some reason we haven’t figured out yet, he learns there are survivors in Africa. So he swims to Africa, all pissed off that the world didn’t quite come to an end. From there it becomes a slasher-revenge film.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” the Reuters reporter objected.

“Who says anything has to make sense?” Emmerich countered. “Look, it’s all very simple. Woody’s on board with the sequel. All I had to do was give him a really big bag of weed. In 2016, this film is going to be the box office champion. We’re going to tell a huge, epic story. Sure, it’s not going to make much sense, but what in life does make sense? Anyway, thank you for your time, and be sure you start saying good things about 2016: The Revenge of Charlie Frost! It’ll be the box office champion of all time!”

Emmerich left the stage with his producers. At this point, this reporter conferred with other reporters. We concluded that Emmerich has completely lost his mind. We also agreed that Buckingham Palace Down would be an even dumber idea than 2016: The Revenge of Charlie Frost.