Fallen Network Star
Fumes, Gets New Opportunity
Los Angeles (AP). The fallout of the cancellation of
Roseanne Barr’s show after a racist tweet continues, with things going in
different directions on multiple fronts. The turbulence-loving star, who was
summarily fired by ABC after her remarks against a former Obama adviser, has
spent time lashing out at other cast members of the Roseanne update who expressed disappointment in her. Barr and her
supporters have been busy feeding into conspiracy theories. From the White
House, Donald Trump has been busy lashing out at ABC and demanding why he
hasn’t been apologized to as opposed to doing his job. Others have been
wondering why the woman with the world’s most obnoxious laugh just won’t go
away.
There have been suggestions about how to salvage the show,
at the very least to give the cast and the crew a continued source of work,
particularly given the high ratings that the update has been having. It was
removed from the schedule in the wake of the controversy, as were syndicated
reruns of the original series on other stations. “It’s been done before,” an
ABC network executive admitted, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Valerie
Harper left her show, and the show went on without her. When Charlie Sheen lost
his mind and got fired off Two And A Half
Men, the show retooled and went on without him. The network is still open
to exploring possibilities about saving the show. Just not with Roseanne
involved in any capacity, because between you and me and the network, she’s nuts.”
The scenarios suggested have varied. Picking up the series a
couple of years later with Dan Conner a widower, and Roseanne’s name never mentioned again is one idea.
Another notion picks up threads from the Dallas
series or the finale of the sitcom Newhart,
with dreams being a central concept. Producer Bruce Helford confirmed that
there are ideas being bounced around about salvaging the series.
“One of the more amusing ideas is that we start an episode
with Dan waking up in bed in the middle of the night in a cold sweat,” Helford
told reporters yesterday. “Sits up straight and yells out, ‘honey, I had a horrible dream! I was married to the
world’s most obnoxious woman for years on end and she just wouldn’t stop
cackling that awful laugh and spewing
conspiracy theories and being a bitter….’ And then his wife sits up in bed. And
of course instead of Roseanne, it’s her sister Jackie, but in this reboot of
the show, Jackie’s an only child, has no sister, and she and Dan have been
happily married for thirty years.”
“**** that!” Roseanne Barr bellowed in an unsolicited call
to Fox & Friends during their Monday
morning broadcast, slurring her words at times and using colourful vocabulary,
leaving one wondering if she was mixing meds with booze again. “They can’t take
the characters I created, the show I ****ing created, and wipe me out of the
show! I’ll never ****ing let them! I’d rather burn the ****ing set down!
Scorched ****ing earth, you ****ing ****ers!”
Her ex-husband, Tom Arnold, once seen as an opportunistic,
untalented snake when he leeched onto the show during its first run for a time,
has had a few things to say on the matter, mostly in interviews with the
networks. “She’s bipolar, okay?” he said on CNN last night. “She doesn’t handle
stress well, and she craves attention. The best thing you can do right about
now is just ignore her. Meanwhile, how about in the reboot, we have my
character come back as a used car salesman and comic relief?”
As noted, the issue has made waves around the White House.
Roseanne’s character was written as a Trump supporter in the revisited series,
and the tensions between she and other family members over politics was a
subplot in the series. This has elicited sympathy out of Trump, who has been
vocal in support of the actress and using the matter to further his own grudges.
On Monday evening he made an announcement to the press at
the White House. Instead of addressing matters such as the impending G7 meeting
where he’ll be quite unwelcome, or the on and off North Korea summit, or the
fact that he’s going out of his way to alienate and irritate allies, the
President chose to focus on a matter that he found more pressing. “The way
Roseanne Barr has been treated is very unfair! Unfair! Very unfair bigly! They
fired her for something that doesn’t really matter, because she’s a fan of me,
and I’m a fan of her. Big time! And those crooked networks, that mainstream
media that hates me, they’re never gonna let her back in. They’re never gonna
apologize to her or to me. So I have decided, as my job gives me absolute power
to do whatever the **** I want, to screw over those ****ing networks by doing
something different.”
Trump smiled in that leering smirk way of his, and
continued. “I’m giving Roseanne a job. An important job. A big job in a prestigious place. Because she’s one of the
best people. And I only hire the best people. You know that, I know that,
everyone knows that. Now I could be making her my chief of staff, and who
knows, maybe I will. I mean, that ****er Kelly is gonna be on his way out any
day soon now, and I’ll tell you, I’m sick and tired of that mother****er
telling me I gotta control myself. Control myself? I’m in control, I’m the best at being in control, believe me,
folks.”
The orange tinted chief executive paused a moment, as if
trying to keep track of what he was saying. “Where was I? Oh yes, the job. Now
I want to give Roseanne the right kind of job. Something that requires tact and
grace and all that bullshit. Something important. I thought diplomacy. In an
important place. But I can’t make her an ambassador, at least not yet. She
doesn’t have the experience, and besides, where I’m sending her, the
ambassador’s a close personal friend of mine who donated to my campaign. So
instead I’m giving her a chance to build up some experience in the field. I’m
making her the official communications director for our embassy in Great
Britain. Isn’t that covfefe great?”
The press corps was in a state of stunned silence for a
moment, until someone spoke up. “Have you lost your mind?”
“Shut the **** up!” Trump answered. “She’s gonna be great in
the job, tellin’ those stuffy Brits what’s what and who’s for. She’s gonna pave
the way for my first official state visit to Old England, Scotland, whatever
the ****, I mean, who cares about what the ****ing difference is between the British
Brits. English, Scottish, it’s all the same. So where was I? Oh yes, state
visit! We’re talking me shaking hands with that old battleaxe Lizzie, tellin’
her to put a big Trump Casino sign up at that Burpingham Palace place, because
let’s face it, that place needs a bit of Trump class. We’re talking me giving a
big speech for the ages to their worthless little parliament and telling those
stuffy mother****ers who's in charge. And they’d better ****ing show
me some ****ing respect, and apologize to my buddy Vladimir for that whole
****ing overreaction to that spy being poisoned thing. Now, no more questions,
I gotta get busy on this afternoon’s ****ing tweet rampage before I give an
official ****ing pardon to the corpse of Charles ****ing Manson.” With that,
Trump stormed out of the press room.
Needless to say, the British are not amused. Prime Minister
May, busy trying to wrangle some kind of solution out of the Brexit fiasco, was
displeased by the statement. A formal statement from Ten Downing Street
indicated that the American President is not welcome on British soil. Another
statement from Buckingham Palace noted, “the Royal Family is not obliged to
receive someone incapable of tact and respectful behavior, neither in the
capacity of an embassy staffer or a head of state. It is recommended to the
current occupant of the Oval Office that should he visit Britain at any point
during or after his presidency, Her Majesty has the Tower of London at her
disposal, and while it is largely a tourist attraction, the infrastructure for
its old uses as a prison are still in place, and she sees no problem with
detaining, quote, an insufferable lout, end quote, for a few weeks.”
When the statement reached the White House, Trump’s latest
Twitter storm was magnified ten times worse, and Chief of Staff John Kelly has
reportedly told military officers not to let the President near the nuclear
codes. “What the hell was I thinking,” he said to reporters last night outside
the West Wing. “Taking this job? Did I lose control of my faculties for a
moment? Say, do the networks have any job openings coming up for former White
House staffers as pundits? Because I could use a less stressful job right about
now.”
