P Is For Play It Again, Electric Mayhem

The lair of Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson, deep in the Alberta foothills. Grover the Muppet looks astonished by the arrival of another person in the large room where he’s being held. Mr. Johnson and his cohort, the mad scientist and clone Damian Hooper, look annoyed. And at the door, legendary Mountie Inspector Lars Ulrich holds a gun, aimed at the two villains.

“How in the hell did you find us? And where’s a hired goon when you really need one?” Johnson asks in a tone of utter dismay and disgust.

“Um, sir?” Grover starts. “I believe you meant to say where is a hired goon? That to me, sir, is proper grammar, sir, and it is something you should make every effort to keep to, sir.”

“Will you shut up already?” Johnson snaps at Grover.

“I will shut up, sir, but only because doing so will keep you calm, sir, and you really need to stay calm. There is no need for you to lose your temper, sir,” Grover says in his usual droning voice. “After all, sir, I do not think we need to bring my SuperGrover persona into this situation, now do...”

“You really don’t know when to shut up,” Damian tells Grover.

“You’re under arrest,” Ulrich calls out.

“Inspector, sir, I believe you mean you are under arrest,” Grover suggests.

“Hey! Shut up!” Ulrich tells the Muppet.

“How did you find us, Ulrich?” Johnson demands with a sneer. “And how did you get past my legions of guards?”

“Well, how we found you isn’t important,” Ulrich declares. “As for your guards, they’re all under arrest. I’ve got a whole detachment of Mounties outside cuffing them as we speak. It’s all over, Johnson. You and your friend here are going to prison. And before you say it, Grover, don’t even think of saying that I should have put it as how we found you is not important.”

“I will try to refrain from saying that, sir,” Grover promises. “You should know, sir, that this man is the clone, sir, of the late Mr. Hooper, sir. Apparently Mr. Hooper was a mad scientist, sir, and managed to conceal that from everyone who knew him.”

“Will you shut up already?” Johnson screams at Grover. “And who uses expository dialogue when they speak?” He turns to Ulrich. “Look, Ulrich, I know you hate this little blue Muppet as much as I do. Just let me kill him already. It’s not as if you’ll miss him, right? It’s what we all want! The death of Grover! Don’t deny what you know to be true.”

Grover looks at Johnson, who seems to be reaching behind, for something hidden at his waistband. Grover sees the gun as Johnson slowly starts to pull at it. “A gun! Sir, he has a gun!” Grover yells.

Johnson starts to raise the gun to fire at Ulrich. Ulrich shoots first, and the Muppet goes down, dropping his gun.  Damian stares at the fallen Muppet, then at the gun. Ulrich advances on them both, aiming the gun squarely at Damian. “Don’t do anything stupid,” he warns Damian, kicking Johnson’s gun away.

Johnson is holding his upper arm, where a bullet has torn through. Stuffing is clearly visible. “Owwwwww!!!! You shot me, you bastard!” Johnson snarls, groaning.

“Oh, shut up!” Ulrich tells him, beginning to cuff Damian.

“You know, that’s not very polite for a Mountie,” Damian says without resisting.

“Yes, well, I’m not a very polite Mountie,” Ulrich remarks.

“Sir! You have saved my life, sir!” Grover says with enthusiasm. “But I must ask... are you sure you did not mean to say I am not a very polite Mountie?”

Ulrich glares at Grover. “You shut up too.”

Grover looks confused. “But sir, all I did was correct you, sir.”

                                                                       

New York City; Sesame Street. The news that Grover has been rescued and the villains behind the kidnapping arrested has reached the famous locale of a children’s show, and the celebrations have begun. Longtime bickering couple Bert and Ernie break down into tears of joy. Kermit the Frog speaks to the media about the relief all of the street’s residents feel to know that Grover will be coming home safely. Cookie Monster gorges himself on double stuffed Oreos in celebration. Professor Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker appear before the press.

“It’s a wonderful thing, knowing that Grover is alive and well,” Honeydew tells the reporters. “Though I had no idea that Harold Hooper was a mad scientist. I thought I was the only one who dabbled in unethical science. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Beaker and I have a test to run on the effects of a lightning bolt on the body of a Muppet. Come along, Beaker.”

Beaker, looking as frayed and frantic as ever, looks around as if seeking an escape, and then blurts out, “Meep! Meep meep meep!”

The lair of Mr. Johnson. Mounties stream in and out of the place late in the night. Johnson, Damian, and their hired guns have all been taken off into custody. Grover the Muppet has long been untied and freed from the chair. He walks over to Inspector Ulrich, who is conferring with one of his fellow Mounties.

“Sir? Inspector, sir? I must thank you, sir.”

“Yes, well, you’re welcome.”

“Oh, sir, you have saved my life, sir. I can never repay that debt, sir. I will always be grateful to you sir, for doing the right thing, sir. And while I am saying it, sir, I might add that you must have meant you are welcome.”

Ulrich sighs, and rolls his eyes. “You want to thank me for saving your life?”

“Absolutely, sir, most indeed, sir, I must thank you repeatedly sir.”

“Here’s how. Stop correcting me when I use contractions,” Ulrich insists.

“Do you not mean here is... Oh, yes, I see, sir. I will do all I can to curb that instinct, sir.”

“Good. Now, let’s get you home. The sooner you’re out of my jurisdiction, the better.”

The two walk towards the exit. Grover looks up at Ulrich. “You know, sir, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, sir.”

Ulrich shakes his head. “Will you shut up already?”

“Was it something I said, sir?”

 

E Is For Even More Evil

Today we come to the second of three parts, with our hero helpless at the hands of his archnemesis, certain to die if luck turns against him. Will he die? Possibly. If so, will it be painful? Most definitely. Will he annoy his archnemesis with his peculiar way of speaking? Absolutely...

The secret headquarters of raving lunatic and Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson; late at night. In the heart of a large room, Grover the Muppet is still tied up, restrained in a chair. A door opens, and he sees his kidnapper, Fred Johnson, aka Fat Blue, walk in, accompanied by a young man. Something about the man seems strangely familiar.

The two walk up to Grover. Mr. Johnson sneers in contempt. The man stares at Grover with an expression not unlike a predator about to hunt.

“Sir, have you not had enough of this demented scheme of revenge? Can you not find it in yourself to get past the anger inside you, sir?” Grover asks.

“Shut up!” Johnson yells, striking the Muppet in the face.

“You do that a lot, sir. You really must think of what’s best for your mind, sir. It does you no good to be driven by rage, sir,” Grover remarks.

Two archenemies, back before Mr. Johnson became a supervillain

“What part of shut up are you not capable of understanding?” Johnson demands.

“Do you want me to answer that, sir?” Grover counters.

“No, I didn’t ask you for an answer!” Johnson snarls.

“But you did, sir, you did!” Grover notes.  “And for the record, you should have said I did not ask you for an answer. But in a more polite way. Really, sir, you must not let your anger control you as it seems to be doing, sir.”

“Will you shut up already?” Johnson screams, looking as if he’s about to blow a gasket.

“I will shut up now, sir. Only because I do not want you to have a stroke, sir,” Grover solemnly declares.

“That’s better. Now then, I want you to say hello to the man who raised me from the grave,” Johnson says, nodding to the man. “As I said before, you’ve met him before... in a manner of speaking.”

The man nods. "At least my previous... incarnation." He smiles in a sadistic way. "My name is Damian Hooper, Grover. You recognize me, don't you?" Damian waits. "Well, speak up."

“Mr. Johnson does not want me to speak, sir,” Grover says quietly.

“Well, just keep it to a minimum. You do recognize me, right?” Damian prompts.

“I think I do sir.... you said Hooper?” Grover pauses. “Are you related to that good shopkeeper Mr. Hooper, sir? The one who lived on Sesame Street?”

“Yes, I am. Though Harold Hooper was far more than a shopkeeper, you buffoon. The man was a true genius. A scientific mastermind who unlocked the secrets of genetic replication. All part of his nefarious schemes to cheat death, all of which resulted in me. I’m his clone. All of his secrets, his schemes, his personality... all inside me now. Oh, and by the way, if you haven’t already guessed, I’m evil.”

Shopkeeper by day, Mad Scientist by night, Harold Hooper with Bert and Ernie, circa 1975.

“I did get that impression, sir. But you realize that you should say it as I am his clone, and if you have not already guessed, I am evil,” Grover advises Damian.

“I can appreciate why you hate him so much, Fred,” Damian tells Johnson.

“Yes, he drove me up the wall for years on end with his personality quirks. I always hated every moment of it,” Johnson replies. “Well, it’s all coming to an end, my old nemesis. Soon enough, we’re going to kill you anyway, and then we’re going to carry out the rest of our schemes. Damian here still carries the sheer loathing Harold Hooper felt for Big Bird, and he wants to see that bloody yellow bag of feathers mounted on a wall. And we’re not going to stop until we get everything we want! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Sir, I am truly sorry, sir,” Grover tells Johnson. “I have not seen how angry you were at me. I have pushed you into this, sir, and for that I do truly apologize. Please understand sir, that was never my intention, sir. But you both must step back from this point, sirs. This is madness, sirs. You can still step away from it. If you want it, sirs.” He stares at them both, and continues. “By the way, sir, did you not mean we are going to kill you anyway and then we are going to carry out the rest of our schemes? And in addition, should you not be saying, We will not stop until we get everything we want?”

“Shut up!!!” Johnson and Damian both yell, hitting Grover in the face.

“Ow! Sirs, that hurts. Sirs, you really must curb your anger,” Grover advises.

“What part of shut up do you seem incapable of understanding, you nitwit?” Johnson angrily demands.

“Perhaps, sir, you could rephrase the question, sir,” Grover suggests.

“What is with this whole sir thing you keep repeating over and over again like a parrot, anyway?” Damian asks.

“Well, sir, it is polite to say that to men you do not usually associate with, sir,” Grover explains. “It really is quite simple, sir. I have always tried to be as formal as I can, sir. It is just a matter of good manners, sir.”

"And it's bloody annoying!" Johnson declares.

“I am sure you meant it is bloody annoying, sir,” Grover reminds him.

“Shut up!” Johnson yells.

A voice interrupts them. “Hold it right there!”

Everyone looks to see someone standing at the door. It’s a Mountie, holding a gun. It’s Inspector Lars Ulrich. Johnson sighs. “How the hell did you find us here? I’ve been ever so careful not to be found!”

“I am sure you mean I have been ever so...” Grover starts.

“Shut up!!!!” Johnson, Damian, and Ulrich all yell at him.

M Is For Megalomania

And so we come to it. When I last did one of these, it was back in October, and a certain blue furred Muppet with an odd way of talking had been kidnapped by his archenemy, an angry Muppet who managed to cheat death. Confused yet? You will be....

Anyway, time to get this finished up, so here is the first of three blogs we might think of as the final chapter. Or the end. Or the end of the beginning. Or the beginning of the end.

At least until I figure out a way to go even deeper down the proverbial rabbit hole....

The secret lair of Muppet archvillain Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue. Grover the Muppet is tied up, sitting in a chair, kept awake by bright light over his head, dazzling him. He looks around the large room, wondering what time it is, where he is... how long he’s been here. He’s disoriented, hungry, and not quite sure if he’s getting out of this one alive.

“What have I done, sir? To offend Mr. Johnson so? Why would he resort to such drastic measures against me, sir?” Grover asks himself.

A door opens up, and the dark fiend walks into the room. “You know, talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity,” Johnson tells Grover, stopping before him, glaring at him with a look of seething hatred.

“On the contrary, sir! It is most certainly not! Everyone occasionally will talk to themselves, sir. Some days you might ask yourself if you are forgetting anything, sir, or where your keys have been misplaced.”

“Did anyone ever tell you that you talk too much?” Johnson asks in a tone of contempt.

“Very often, sir, but I do not hold that against them, sir.”

“You also refrain from using contractions. It’s quite annoying.”

“Do you not mean it is quite annoying?”

“Shut up!!!” Johnson hits Grover square in the face.

“That is not polite, sir! And really, neither is the fact that you have kidnapped me, sir. You need help, sir. You have a lot of anger deep down, sir,” Grover pleads.

“I don’t need advice from you,” Johnson declares.

“But you do, sir. You really do. You are at a crossroad, sir. You have done terrible things, and for the sake of your own soul, sir, you must do penance for them. You must make things right, sir,” Grover reasons.

“What part of shut up did you not understand?” Johnson declares with a sneer.

“Well, I do have one question, sir.”

“Make it snappy.”

“Well, I know that good Inspector Ulrich managed to kill you, sir. You were dead, sir. How is it possible that you are alive, sir?”

“Ah, yes, well, it seems that I had help. An evil genius who managed to raise me from the dead using a combination of arcane magics and scientific mayhem. It’s all rather technical, but you’ll meet him soon enough. In a way, you’ll meet him again.” Johnson smiles in a cold, calculating way.

“Do you not mean it is all rather technical, but you will meet him? And you will meet him again. That is the proper way to say it, sir."

“Shut up!!!” Johnson hits him again.

“If you insist, sir. I will shut up, sir. But I believe I will get out from this place, sir. You cannot win, sir,” Grover tells Johnson with confidence.

“Oh, and why not?” Johnson sounds condescending.

“Because you have crossed Lars Ulrich, sir. He is a Mountie, sir, and Mounties never stop. He will know you are alive, sir, and he will come after you.”

Johnson shrugs. “Let him. I’ve got a score to settle with him myself.”

“Sir, be honest with me. When you were a young baby Muppet, did you not get enough hugs? Is that the reason why you have turned out so evil, sir? Did you not have a teddy to call your own, sir?”

“Well, I did have a stuffed Smokey the Bear, but I lost him on a trip to... wait a minute! I am not falling for this whole bonding with the kidnapper trick you’re pulling!” Johnson sneers at Grover. “Count down the hours, Grover. You’re going to die soon,” he predicts, walking back towards the door.

“First, sir, how can I count down the hours, sir? You have left me no clock. Second, do you not mean you are going to die soon, sir?”

Johnson stares at Grover, rolls his eyes, and opens the door. “Shut up!!!”

He slams it shut as he leaves. Grover sighs. “Was it something I said, sir?”

K Is For Kidnapping

Before I get started today, two links to check out. First of all, over at Norma's blog Beishir Books, our alter egos Scarlett and James did a guest blog about writing erotica. Second, have a look at our joint blog, where our latest link was a Six Sentence Sunday blog.

Now to today. It's been awhile since I've messed around in the world of the Muppets, but it was long overdue. There'll be more to come, of course, and yes... you will be confused.

 

Muppet Super-villain Makes Shocking Return From Dead After Kidnapping

New York (AP) The world is in shock after video has surfaced online in the wake of a kidnapping at the Sesame Street studios. Beloved Muppet and selfless hero Grover, who once offered to sacrifice his own life to save the world, has been abducted. The Muppet, adored by millions of fans the world over, went missing from his dressing room before taping of a new episode. A search was undertaken by police and studio personnel, but within hours, a video was uploaded to the internet featuring the missing Muppet and his kidnapper.

The Muppet super-villain Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue, who was killed months ago in a confrontation with legendary RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, appeared on screen in an undisclosed location in the short video, with Grover tied up in the background. Johnson, who was a frequent nemesis of Grover in many Sesame Street shorts, and who framed Grover for the murder of Muppet Elmo, looked angry as he glared at the camera. “Yes, it’s me. Alive and well,” Johnson declared. “I won’t let a little thing like death keep me down. I’d entertain you all with the story of how I cheated the Grim Reaper, but not quite yet. No, that I’ll save for later. Here I have my greatest enemy, the bane of my existence,” Johnson said, motioning back to Grover. “At my mercy. Finally, victory is mine! And I’m not merciful. I do know, however, that Grover is beloved by many, so I’ll be issuing demands for his safe return. The demands are as follows. A complete pardon for all my previous crimes. A weather disruptor device. Don’t laugh, I know that Ted Turner guy secretly built one, and I want it! 500 billion dollars in non-sequential bills. Otherwise, in five days from the uploading of this manifesto, I will personally behead Grover! Live online! Hah hah hah hah!” After doing his patented evil laugh for another three minutes, Johnson walked back to Grover, removing his gag. “Do you have anything to say, fool?”

Grover took a deep breath, and declared, “Never negotiate with a terrorist, sirs and madams! This Muppet is a madman. Oh, come sir, you know you are a madman. You need help, sir. You need professional therapy. Megalomania never ends well, sir.”

“Shut up!” Johnson yelled, hitting Grover. The screen went blank at this point.

Across the globe, fans of Grover, both children and adult, are terrified that their beloved Grover might die. Ted Turner is coming under fire for building a weather disruptor device. Facebook sites are springing up, with names like Save Grover, Grover Lives, Free Grover. World leaders are debating the issue in person and by phone lines. Others are wondering how the Muppet villain could have survived getting shot several times by a ferocious Mountie.

Reporters went to Alberta, to the home detachment of Inspector Ulrich to ask that question. We found him outside his detachment, strangling a reporter with Access Hollywood. “Listen, you idiot,” he was snarling. “I am not that Lars Ulrich! I don’t even know how to play the drums!”

“Yes, well,” the reporter managed to stammer. “That’s pretty obvious whenever I listen to Metallica albums.”

Ulrich knocked the man out, and looked up to see a fleet of arriving journalists. “What? How many times do you people have to keep annoying me?” he demanded.

A Reuters journalist spoke first. “Inspector, what do you have to say about the fact that the Muppet you shot to death, Mr. Johnson, is alive and holding Grover hostage?”

Ulrich stared at everyone for a long moment, and asked, “What are you people smoking?”

“Premium weed from a dude named Mitch, if you must know,” a reporter with Cannibis Times answered without thinking. “Um, forget I said that, right?”

 

“Lars! Lars!” This was a reporter with Hollywood Now.com, oblivious to the unconscious reporter on the ground before Ulrich. He shoved a mike in the Inspector’s face. “What the viewers at home really want to know is... how can you save a Muppet’s life in five days if you’re supposed to be in the studio recording the next album?”

Ulrich glared at the man... and then hit him.

Soon after finishing beating up the entertainment reporter, Ulrich learned that indeed, the story was true. The two reporters were sent to hospital, where their conditions are listed as serious but annoying. Ulrich dismissed the reporters, only saying that he was certain that he had killed Johnson, and would have to rectify that oversight.

If Ulrich is indeed going to go in pursuit of the super-villain, in the opinion of this reporter, the Muppet had better start quaking in fear.

P Is For Plot Twist

Today I'm going even further down the rabbit hole with the ongoing Muppet epic.... you might find yourself thinking that I've gone and ruined your childhood by the time I'm done. Just saying.

A sprawling old mansion, deep in the woods somewhere in the wilds of Alberta. It's late at night, and fog and mist have rolled in, casting the whole building and its surroundings into shadow. Lightning flashes overhead, and inside, there are few lights, except in the attic. There we find a man, strangely familiar, moving about. The walls are painted with occult symbols and scientific diagrams. A television is on in the background, with footage from the UN, where Beaker the Muppet is addressing the General Assembly. Arcane lab equipment is everywhere, and at the center of the working space, a platform is set on hydraulic lifts. Above, a doorway in the roof is open to the elements. On top of the platform, hooked up to wires, is a small shape beneath a sheet. The mystery man walks up, draws back the sheets, and sees the felt and stuffing of what was once a Muppet, recently stolen from its grave. He has sewn it up to the best of his abilities. It's a face he has known, in a way, from a previous life. He smiles to himself, walks to a nearby machine, and pauses before pressing a button.

Mad Scientist: If this works... and I expect it to work, then I will do the impossible... I will do what they said could not be done... I will bring the dead back to life! And I know impossible... considering that I too, am utterly impossible! Yes, I most certainly am! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha! Maybe then those buffoons who called me deranged and unethical will think twice! I wonder though... might I get sued by the descendants of Mary Shelley for co-opting her motif? No... couldn't be. It's not as if anyone's watching this through a fourth wall or anything, right? Right?

He looks around, as if wondering if someone is watching him.

Mad Scientist: Of course not.

He presses the button, and the hydraulic lifts raise the platform up through the opening, into the night sky. The scientist looks up, smiles to himself (in an evil, sinister way; he is, after all, a mad scientist), and starts pressing other buttons on other machinery, sending currents up above. He chants in an arcane, occult language, raising his hands to the sky. Lightning flashes. Thunder rolls. His chanting grows louder. There's more lightning to come. The platform is struck. The mad scientist looks at his machinery. Numbers and graphs indicate a response in the body. He smiles.

Mad Scientist: He lives! He lives! He lives!!!!!

He presses the button to lower the platform back down to floor level, and presses another button to close the overhead doorway. As the platform descends, he walks towards it, and looks at the Muppet.

Mad Scientist: Mr. Johnson? Fred? Can you hear me?

The Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson gradually stirs, opening his eyes.

Mr. Johnson: Where... where am I?

Mad Scientist: In my lab, in northern Alberta. You're all right now.

Mr. Johnson: I was shot... that damned Mountie shot me.

Mad Scientist: Yes, that awful Inspector Ulrich. Well, we'll get even with him, I promise. You were dead, Mr. Johnson. But I raised you up from the dead.

Mr. Johnson: Wait... I was dead...? But how did you...?

Mad Scientist: A combination of arcane science and witchcraft spell casting. It's not all that  important. What is important is that you're alive, and we can unleash our revenge on all of our enemies.

Mr. Johnson sits up, staring at the mad scientist, as if to try to remember where they've met.

Mr. Johnson: I know you, don't I?

Mad Scientist: In a manner of speaking. You met my... predecessor. My progenitor. My creator. You had no idea that he was a sheer genius decades ahead of his time in genetics and cloning. He needed a cover for his work, after all. By night he worked on his secret experiments, cloning long before anyone had heard of a sheep named Dolly. By day, he was the kindly shopkeeper, whose building hid his secret lab.

Mr. Johnson: Wait... Mr. Hooper???

Mad Scientist: Yes. I'm Harold Hooper's clone Damian Hooper. Young and implanted with all of his true personality and memories. Everyone chalked him up to being a friendly shopkeeper in that infernal children's television show, never dreaming that he was a malevolent scientific genius! Before his death, he made sure his work would live on through creating me. And so I have resurrected you, my friend. You and I share some of the same enemies. My creator hated Grover and Kermit, though he didn't show it. And he truly despised that damned Big Bird... always turning up around his store, mispronouncing his name as if it was funny...

Mr. Johnson: So I'm alive... and we're going to work together?

Damian: Yes.

Mr. Johnson: And your name is Damian?

Damian: Yes, my creator thought it was really evil.

Mr. Johnson: Well, good, very good... let's see what that blue bastard thinks when I catch up to him this time! I'll have my revenge... on Grover and everyone he cares about! So, time to get back to work, right?

Damian: Oh, yes, plenty of evil schemes to unleash. Mwaha ha ha ha!

Mr. Johnson: Mwaha ha ha ha ha!

Damian: Mwaha ha ha ha ha ha!!

Mr. Johnson: Mwaha ha... hey, why is Beaker addressing the General Assembly?

Damian: He just got appointed chief negotiator in the Middle East peace talks.

A Is For Aftermath

Just a word before we get things started today, for those of you who are new to my blogs, this is part of an ongoing series (I've figured out a way to take this even further down the rabbit hole, so to speak). It might be a bit confusing if you're coming in late (more so then usual). Anyway, click on one of the tags below (I recommend the Sesame Street one) for the beginning of the epic Muppet murder of Elmo story. Yes, the little red menace is dead. And no, he's not coming back. So there.

Hero Mountie Receives Gratitude, Kicks Entertainment Reporter


Two days after the dramatic events that nearly brought about the death of beloved Muppet Grover, the aftermath of those events continue to reverberate across the world. At the United Nations, blame was cast by numerous delegates over the issue of how they could have let themselves believe the bluff of notorious Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson. The Secretary General looked suitably downcast as he spoke to reporters at UN headquarters in New York. "We had to act on the threat, to treat it as credible. There was no way we could have known that Johnson had no such weapons of mass destruction that could have destroyed the world. It's unfortunate, now that we know he didn't, that we ended up with egg on our face."

Police across the continent continue the slow, arduous process of digging through Johnsons' past, following the proverbial paper trail. In Canada, where for the last few weeks, Johnson hid in a bunker, the federal government is under siege. The ruling party owned the bunker in the Alberta foothills, and are being accused of aiding and abetting the supervillain. Acting Prime Minister John Baird sneered at the reporters who confronted him on his way into Parliament. "Look, you miserable jackasses, leave me the hell alone or I'll pass the Denial of Press Freedoms Act and have you all thrown into prison for daring to suggest this government doesn't have the best interests of our country at heart. The government has enough to do, what with denying these accusations and trying to shrink down the Prime Minister from his current gigantic size, not to mention our top secret plans to install ourselves as Government For Life... wait... forget I said that last one."

At the well known Sesame Street, Grover has been back among friends, accompanied by his human girlfriend Karla. Longtime bickering couple Bert and Ernie were pleased to see him. "We really admired Grover for offering to sacrifice his life for the planet. It was really noble, wasn't it, Bert?"

"You bet, Ernie. It's something I don't think I could have done in his place."

Miss Piggy was accompanied by her fiance Kermit the Frog, the daring Muppet attorney who successfully defended Grover on murder charges. "You know, Grover showed a lot of courage in what he did. He obviously takes after my Kermie, doesn't he, spanky buns?"

"Yes, indeed, like you say," Kermit remarked with pride. "We're all really proud of Grover."

Professor Honeydew, on the other hand, seemed conflicted. This reporter cornered the scientist Muppet and his assistant Beaker. "You know, while it's great that Grover was saved, but it deprived me of the chance to see what happens when a Muppet gets drawn and quartered. As a scientist, I was really curious to see that."

"Meep! Meep meep meep!"

The Count, on the other hand, was busy counting all of the people who had come to welcome Grover home. "Ten thousand three hundred and four, ah ah ah ah. Ten thousand three hundred and five, ah ah ah ah..."

As for Grover himself? He travelled to Alberta after the reunion, to speak with the Mountie who saved his life by killing Johnson. Inspector Lars Ulrich, the legendary lawman who had once arrested Grover for the murder of Muppet Elmo, a crime that had in fact been orchestrated by Johnson, was known for not being on very good terms with the Muppet. The two met in front of a group of reporters outside the RCMP detachment in High River. "Inspector, sir, I must thank you so very much," Grover told Ulrich, who looked annoyed. The two shook hands as photographers snapped pictures. "You have saved my life, sir! You did a very good thing, sir! It is a debt that truly, I can never, ever repay, sir!"

"Yes, well... that's my job," Ulrich said, seeming uncomfortable.

The press spoke up, almost as one, asking questions. One, a correspondant with Access Hollywood, seemed to be louder then the rest. "Lars! Lars! Now that it's all over, after this incredible manhunt, are you going to get back with Metallica and record another album?"

Ulrich rolled his eyes, shook his head, and looked really, really annoyed. "Look, you idiot, I'm not that Lars Ulrich..."

Grover nodded. "You heard the Inspector, sir! He is not a member of Metallica, sir..."

The correspondant looked confused. It's a common trait with entertainment reporters. "Does that mean you've had a falling out with the rest of the band, Lars?"

When last seen, the entertainment reporter was being chased by Ulrich into Dead Man's Canyon.

F Is For Final Confrontation, Part Three

New York City; Central Park. The crowd looks on as the warden finishes securing each limb Grover has with the straps. Now it's merely a matter of the warden giving his word, and the drawing and quartering will begin. The men with the horses stand by to hear the warden's word; Gonzo sits astride his motorbike, revving the engine, sobbing in tears at how his good friend must die, and how he must take part in it. Kermit has returned to Miss Piggy's side, and they're both in tears. Big Bird, Oscar, Cookie Monster, Bob, Maria, Susan, and Bert and Ernie sob quietly. The Count, being a vampire, is incapable of tears, so he's counting Oscar's tears. Waldorf and Statler are bawling. Scooter, Fozzie, and Animal look downcast. Doctor Honeydew is making some last second calculations on the precise order that Grover's body parts will fall in. Beaker looks, as usual, like he's strung out on speed.

The warden steps away from Grover, back to the side of the platform. He looks grave and saddened by his duty, and raises his hand, ready to give the signal. A voice calls out, "Stop!!" Everyone falls silent, and a state official comes through the crowd, breathless. "We've just gotten word. It's over. It's all over. The threat is over. Mr. Johnson is dead!!" The crowd cheers and roars in approval.

The horses are startled by the sound and start fussing. Their fussing pulls at the straps securing Grover, who yells out. The men calm down the horses. And the warden rushes over to Grover, untying the straps. Grover's girlfriend rushes through the crowd, reaching the Muppet. She grabs him and kisses him repeatedly. He groans. "Oh, pookie, that was too close. I thought I was bound for heaven. I could see Jim Henson right in front of me," he tells her.

Kermit comes forward out of the crowd. "What happened?" he asks the state official, while Grover and his girlfriend make out.

"We've got word from the Mounties. Inspector Ulrich tracked Johnson to his lair and shot him in self defense," the official remarks.

A reporter with Entertainment Tonight calls from the crowd. "Will Lars be going back to rehearsals with Metallica now?"

Waldorf shakes his head in disgust. "I haven't heard a question that moronic since McCarthy asked if I knew any communists."

Statler nods. "Yes, well, I'm the one who ratted on you."

Waldorf looks shocked. "That was you????"

Statler nods again. "You seduced Rosalind Russell when you knew full well that I had a thing for her, remember? I was pissed at you, so I took revenge by ratting you out to the Communist witch hunt."

In the crowd, Doctor Honeydew looks up from his calculations. "Haven't they started the execution yet?" he asks Beaker, absent-minded as usual.

Beaker looks at him. "Meep meep!"

"But I have to see the effects of a drawing and quartering done in real-time. Beaker old boy, I wonder if you'd volunteer yourself to be drawn and quartered..."

"Meep!!! Meep!!! Meep!!!!!!!!!!"

Alberta; the secret bunker of the late Mr. Johnson. Inspector Lars Ulrich oversees his officers working the crime scene. Coroners are on the way, though he's not sure if he should have called them or a prop master to dispose of the remains of the villain. Constable Borden comes over. "Inspector, we're uncovering evidence of his political ties. He kept recordings. Looks like the bastard was indeed in contact with the government."

"Thank you, Evangeline. We'll deal with that later on. For now... he's dead."

She looks at the body of the dead Muppet. "All that trouble he caused..."

Ulrich nods. "Yes, well, it's over now."

"That's a good thing you did, sir. Calling it in, getting word out in time to save Grover," she remarks.

He shrugs. "For a second or two, I did consider letting him die. He really is annoying, you know."

Borden smiles. "Don't tell that to my four year old niece. She'd never forgive you. She loves Grover." She pauses. "I've heard from the detachment. The press is gathering there. They're asking a lot of questions. They want to see the hero of the hour. Including the... entertainment reporters."

Ulrich rolls his eyes. "Let me guess. Lars! Now that you've killed a Muppet, isn't it time to get back to going out on tour? Are they born that stupid?"

"Apparently so, sir."

"Idiots. Well, I get first pick on which of them I get to kick in the ass and put in the hospital."

F Is For Final Confrontation Part Two

New York City; Central Park. As the crowd looks on, many of them weeping softly, the warden leads Grover to the center of the platform. Kermit follows, and Grover turns. Kermit sighs (he does that a lot) and extends a hand. Grover shakes it. "You're the bravest Muppet I've ever met," Kermit remarks.

"I can die happy right now," Grover proclaims. "I had some mind-bending sex last night. I must say, pre-execution sex really does beat out conjugal visit sex on the toe-curling ratio, Kermit. That's the memory I will take to my grave as this drawing and quartering rips me from limb to limb to limb."

Among the crowd, Bert and Ernie cry in each other's arms. Big Bird blows his nose, comforted by human stalwarts Bob, Susan, and Maria.  Oscar is annoyed by Cookie Monster, who's scarfing down bags of peanut butter cookies and getting the crumbs all over him. The Count spends his time counting the people in the crowd. Doctor Honeydew is doing some quick calculations, watched by Beaker. Scooter, Animal, and Fozzie are joined by Miss Piggy, who's pushing them out of the way so that she can have all the room she wants. And Statler and Waldorf are talking.

"I haven't been to an execution this maudlin since Carrot Top was killed," Statler remarks, wiping away tears.

"Carrot Top was killed?" Waldorf asks.

"Yes, for crimes against humanity," Statler replies.

"I thought he was just an unfunny comedian," Waldorf says.

"Not just," Statler tells his colleague. "He's the guy who got Firefly cancelled."

"That son of a bitch!!" Waldorf bellows.

Grover lies down on the platform. The warden begins to tie the straps. In the crowd, Grover's girlfriend sobs loudly. Doctor Honeydew turns and looks at Beaker. "You know, Beaker, if my calculations are correct, pieces of Grover's inner stuffing will hit everyone in the first three rows on all four sides of the platform. What do you think about that?"

"Meep!"

Alberta; The secret bunker. Mr. Johnson stands face to face with Inspector Lars Ulrich, who keeps his gun aimed at the deranged Muppet. "I thought I had an arrangement with the federal government," Johnson mutters with a sneer (villains like to sneer). "They do a fellow evil-doer a favour by throwing entertainment reporters at you to keep you occupied. Damn that Baird, you can't trust a politician to get anything right these days..."

"I'd thought you had help," Ulrich mutters. "Help from the top won't help you now, Johnson. You're going to prison for the murder of Elmo. There's no more demands, no more escape. You're done."

"Wait a minute," Johnson says. "How the hell did you find me?"

"I went back and looked at your file," Ulrich answers. "You like turnips and artichokes on your pizza. I checked with every pizza delivery shop in the Western provinces. Only one place had been taking regular orders for pizza like that. Lo and behold, here it leads me to this compound. Piece of advice? If you're a fugitive from justice, you should avoid giving into your usual habits and appetites. This place couldn't be yours."

"No, it's on loan from the federal Tories. Like I said, they've been doing me a favour helping me hide out."

"I'm sure that'll cost them at the polls. Now, hands up, Johnson. You're under arrest," Ulrich tells the Muppet.

Johnson shakes his head. "I still have the destroy the world gambit in my hands, Inspector."

"No you don't," Ulrich counters. "I've been all over this place since I got inside, and there's no trace of any doomsday device or even a control for a doomsday device. All this time, you were bluffing." 

"Well, okay, so I was bluffing... it still got me what I want. Grover's about to die, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Not that you really want to. Face it, Inspector, you want to see Grover die just as much as I do, don't you?" Johnson smiles. He reaches behind his back, grabbing at a gun tucked away in his waistband, screaming, "Die, you son of a..."

As he raises his arm to fire, Ulrich opens fire on the evil Muppet. Johnson is hit several times in the chest. He gasps, and staggers back. Ulrich fires again. The bullets tear through Johnsons' head. Pieces of stuffing hit the control room consoles. Johnson collapses in a heap of stuffing to the floor of the control room. Ulrich steps forward, kicking away Johnsons' gun, verifying that the Muppet is dead. "Give my regards to Hell, you bloody miserable bastard," Ulrich tells the corpse. He looks up at the television screen. Grover is being secured by the warden at the execution site. Ulrich hears Johnson's words in his mind: you want to see Grover die just as much as I do, don't you? He stares at the screen, and wonders, Well, do I?

To Be Concluded.....

Anderson Cooper will do anything for a photo-op