K Is For Kidnapping

Before I get started today, two links to check out. First of all, over at Norma's blog Beishir Books, our alter egos Scarlett and James did a guest blog about writing erotica. Second, have a look at our joint blog, where our latest link was a Six Sentence Sunday blog.

Now to today. It's been awhile since I've messed around in the world of the Muppets, but it was long overdue. There'll be more to come, of course, and yes... you will be confused.

 

Muppet Super-villain Makes Shocking Return From Dead After Kidnapping

New York (AP) The world is in shock after video has surfaced online in the wake of a kidnapping at the Sesame Street studios. Beloved Muppet and selfless hero Grover, who once offered to sacrifice his own life to save the world, has been abducted. The Muppet, adored by millions of fans the world over, went missing from his dressing room before taping of a new episode. A search was undertaken by police and studio personnel, but within hours, a video was uploaded to the internet featuring the missing Muppet and his kidnapper.

The Muppet super-villain Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue, who was killed months ago in a confrontation with legendary RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, appeared on screen in an undisclosed location in the short video, with Grover tied up in the background. Johnson, who was a frequent nemesis of Grover in many Sesame Street shorts, and who framed Grover for the murder of Muppet Elmo, looked angry as he glared at the camera. “Yes, it’s me. Alive and well,” Johnson declared. “I won’t let a little thing like death keep me down. I’d entertain you all with the story of how I cheated the Grim Reaper, but not quite yet. No, that I’ll save for later. Here I have my greatest enemy, the bane of my existence,” Johnson said, motioning back to Grover. “At my mercy. Finally, victory is mine! And I’m not merciful. I do know, however, that Grover is beloved by many, so I’ll be issuing demands for his safe return. The demands are as follows. A complete pardon for all my previous crimes. A weather disruptor device. Don’t laugh, I know that Ted Turner guy secretly built one, and I want it! 500 billion dollars in non-sequential bills. Otherwise, in five days from the uploading of this manifesto, I will personally behead Grover! Live online! Hah hah hah hah!” After doing his patented evil laugh for another three minutes, Johnson walked back to Grover, removing his gag. “Do you have anything to say, fool?”

Grover took a deep breath, and declared, “Never negotiate with a terrorist, sirs and madams! This Muppet is a madman. Oh, come sir, you know you are a madman. You need help, sir. You need professional therapy. Megalomania never ends well, sir.”

“Shut up!” Johnson yelled, hitting Grover. The screen went blank at this point.

Across the globe, fans of Grover, both children and adult, are terrified that their beloved Grover might die. Ted Turner is coming under fire for building a weather disruptor device. Facebook sites are springing up, with names like Save Grover, Grover Lives, Free Grover. World leaders are debating the issue in person and by phone lines. Others are wondering how the Muppet villain could have survived getting shot several times by a ferocious Mountie.

Reporters went to Alberta, to the home detachment of Inspector Ulrich to ask that question. We found him outside his detachment, strangling a reporter with Access Hollywood. “Listen, you idiot,” he was snarling. “I am not that Lars Ulrich! I don’t even know how to play the drums!”

“Yes, well,” the reporter managed to stammer. “That’s pretty obvious whenever I listen to Metallica albums.”

Ulrich knocked the man out, and looked up to see a fleet of arriving journalists. “What? How many times do you people have to keep annoying me?” he demanded.

A Reuters journalist spoke first. “Inspector, what do you have to say about the fact that the Muppet you shot to death, Mr. Johnson, is alive and holding Grover hostage?”

Ulrich stared at everyone for a long moment, and asked, “What are you people smoking?”

“Premium weed from a dude named Mitch, if you must know,” a reporter with Cannibis Times answered without thinking. “Um, forget I said that, right?”

 

“Lars! Lars!” This was a reporter with Hollywood Now.com, oblivious to the unconscious reporter on the ground before Ulrich. He shoved a mike in the Inspector’s face. “What the viewers at home really want to know is... how can you save a Muppet’s life in five days if you’re supposed to be in the studio recording the next album?”

Ulrich glared at the man... and then hit him.

Soon after finishing beating up the entertainment reporter, Ulrich learned that indeed, the story was true. The two reporters were sent to hospital, where their conditions are listed as serious but annoying. Ulrich dismissed the reporters, only saying that he was certain that he had killed Johnson, and would have to rectify that oversight.

If Ulrich is indeed going to go in pursuit of the super-villain, in the opinion of this reporter, the Muppet had better start quaking in fear.