The Mysterious Case Of The Overblown Ego

 The Oscars are coming up this weekend. I would, of course, rather crawl through a kilometer of broken glass than watch the ceremonies. That said, it is my tradition to ridicule the entire thing each year by saying how the event should go, and of course referencing my previous continuity on the entire thing. Enjoy!

Four days before the ceremony actually begins, people will have been camped out outside the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. They are looking for photo op and autograph opportunities. They will pass the time gossipping with each other about the nominees, annoying nearby businesses with washroom requests, and giving the local food delivery industry a big boost.

With the show being broadcast once again on ABC, the network president will receive a visit from producers Katy Mullan and Raj Kapoor, returning again to the job. They solemnly promise that this time, the event will be on time. The network president will remain dubious of that.

Conan O'Brien, hosting the ceremonies, will be busy with a team of writers on his opening monologue in the days in advance, hoping to score a few easy laughs.

Three days prior to the ceremony, an annual tradition will be underway at a local mortuary. Morticians will be doing the final touch ups on the body of Jack Nicholson. The legendary actor died several years ago at an Oscars ceremony, and has left strict instructions in his will that his body always be in attendance in the front row at the Oscars. After multiple embalmings, the morticians will be wondering how long this can go on.

Mullan and Kapoor will meet with the producers of the Razzies in a top secret endeavour to ensure Barbra Streisand won't attend this year's Oscars. The Razzies producers, amused by the idea being proposed, will agree to it.

Conan will have put the last touches on his monologue, finding the right balance of smarm and charm.

In the offices of his psychologist, Leonardo DiCaprio will be attending a session. There will be much to be discussed. His inability to commit in a relationship. His eagerness not to date any woman over 26. His overwhelming fear of Marisa Tomei. The therapist will ask at one point, "have you considered not attending the Oscars?"

At home, Tom Cruise will make some calls, looking to gather a crack team of operatives to get himself into the Oscars, despite that restraining order forbidding him from attending. First on his list will be Scott Baio, the washed up actor. "All right, Chachi, listen up," Cruise will tell him.

"I did more parts than Chachi," Baio will point out.

"Shut up, Chachi!"

The night before, the Razzies will be held, honouring (or dishonouring) the worst of the year in films. A surprise announcement will be made on stage. Barbra Streisand is being given the Lifetime Razzie as Most Annoying And Overrated Actor And Singer Of All Time. A montage of Streisand in film, as well as footage of her yelling at people, will be shown on screen at the theatre.

The announcement will go viral on social media. Within five minutes, Streisand's agent will call her at home to warn her of what's exploded on the web. When Streisand, possessor of the biggest ego in Hollywood, hears that she's been awarded a Razzie, she will first start screaming a deafening scream, horrified by the disrespect. And then she will collapse. Paramedics will be called.

The day of the ceremony, Jack Nicholson's corpse will be installed in the first row at the Dolby Theatre. Mullan and Kapoor will speak with the team of seat fillers assigned to sit around him, well paid for the job. "I know it's morbid, but the guy's will was specific, and we have to go through with it," Kapoor will say.

Mullan will add, "besides, it's just embalming fluid."

Still banned from attending the Oscars, Will Smith will be at home, watching the pre-show chatter in his living room. Since that fiasco involving slapping Chris Rock, his life has never been the same. His wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith, will be too busy to console him, being busy upstairs banging the gardener.

Barbra Streisand will be in hospital, still unconscious. Doctors and nurses will be glad for this, because they've dealt with her shrill temper tantrums on previous occasions. "Let's keep her heavily sedated," one will recommend, answered with nods from everyone else.

John Travolta will be busy getting ready at home, despite having had not appeared in anything remotely Oscar worthy in years. Satisfied that he's managed the bow tie properly, he'll nod to himself in the mirror and say, "showtime, Jamie Tedesco."

Jennifer Lawrence will finish getting ready at home, still wondering to herself if she should just spontaneously trip at the Oscars or plan it out for the right moment. This is, after all, her secret kink- tripping in public on Hollywood's biggest night of the year.

Mullan and Kapoor will speak with their designated enforcers, Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei, back again for another go around. Tomei and Jones will promise to keep things in line. They will stipulate that this does not include keeping the run-time down. "That's your job," Tomei will insist.

People will start arriving for the red carpet. Entertainment reporters will rush up to them, asking who designed what they're wearing.

Bjork will turn up, despite having nothing to do with the Oscars, and be wearing a mix of Doc Marten boots, ripped jeans, camo-pattern chemise, and a hat that looks like it's been through a blender. Fashionistas will call her a cutting edge genius of style.

Tom Cruise will be finishing up his master plans of how to get into the Oscars this time. It will involve motorbikes, Scott Baio, and a team of waiters and bit part actors. Gathered in a secret warehouse location a short distance from the Dolby Theatre, they will be going over their plans. Baio will interrupt, "but what if..."

"Shut up, Chachi!" Cruise will snap at him.

John Travolta will turn up at the red carpet, smiling in that addled way of his. "It's so good to be here," he'll say to an entertainment reporter. "After the Las Abelianos fires of the last few weeks, it's been a tough time for all of us, and we need to celebrate the best that Hollystone has to offer."

The entertainment reporter, too dumb to recognize that Travolta keeps getting names wrong, including places now, will simply gush.

Leonardo DiCaprio will arrive at the ceremony with the latest model he's been dating, all of 24 as fits his pattern. The fact that he's twice her age is irrelevant to him. He will look around, feeling anxious and uneasy. And then his eyes will fall upon the enforcers down near the stage. Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei will be in conversation. DiCaprio, remembering the frequent beatdowns he has sustained at the hands of Tomei, will start trembling. Tomei will look up through the seating and spot him. She will smile, point at him, and draw a finger across her throat as a threat, or a promise.

"Oh, God, she's going to kill me," he'll mutter.

The Oscars will start late, a harbinger of the entire night to come. Conan O'Brien will come out on stage, smile in that delirious smug way of his, and start things off by making fun of many people. 

Somewhere else, the ABC president will be wondering how far past the program will go past its runtime.

At home, Will Smith will be shaking his head. "I should have been there. It should have been me walking that aisle and mugging for the cameras. But instead I'm at home. No kids around, because they hate me. And a wife I'm barely married to who's never around. Where did things go so wrong?"

Upstairs, Jada will be too busy shagging her chauffeur.

The first award will be given out for the night. The winner will start making a speech, discreetly interrupted by the orchestra. They will point at the conductor and say, "no, we're not doing that. I've got some people to thank." This will set the tone for the rest of the ceremonies, with Mullan and Kapoor making side bets as to how long this whole thing is really going to go on.

In Las Vegas, bookies will be doing brisk business taking bets on when the Oscars ceremony will actually end.

Tom Cruise will be giving a final briefing to his Mission Impossible team as to his expectations and timing of this year's Oscar insertion. The fact that Scott Baio is the only other survivor of such previous insertions should disturb the team of waiters/ bit part actors/ collateral damage, but it doesn't.

One of the seat fillers around Jack Nicholson will find themselves wondering if the dead actor just moved.

James Brolin, cursed to be husband of Barbra Streisand, will be in the hospital sitting and waiting, wondering how bad the cluster tantrum will be when his wife wakes up and learns she's missed the Oscars again.

The first reference to the Hollywood fires of the night will be made by Meryl Streep while presenting an award.

John Travolta will nod and mutter to the person sitting next to him, "Molly Sutton knows what she's talking about."

The night will carry on. Mullan and Kapoor will look at their watches, and realize they're now an hour behind their expected time. They will wonder if they'll ever be called back to do another Oscars. They will decide that can't be a bad thing.

Leonardo DiCaprio will be in his seat, feeling overwhelming dread. From time to time his eyes will wander to the object of that dread. Marisa Tomei, looking so innocent and kind, but experience has taught him to be terrified of her. He subconsciously checks his nose, which she has broken before. "Calm, Leo, calm," he'll tell himself.

"What was that?" his date will ask him.

"Nothing, Katie," he will reply.

John Travolta will notice the tension of DiCaprio, and tell the person sitting next to him, "Lothar Daggett needs to learn inner peace." 

Tom Cruise will look himself in the mirror. A television broadcast of the Oscars will be going on nearby. It's too early, he knows. He must choose the right time to unleash his Mission Impossible. "You're the greatest, Tom, the greatest. The best there ever was. Everyone who says different is jealous of your greatness. And tonight we'll show them..."

Chris Rock will take the stage to announce a winner. His first words will be accompanied by a wave. "Hi, Will, hey, Jada, are you enjoying watching at home?" This will be accompanied by a grin. The audience will applaud, because let's face it, he deserves it.

Will Smith, watching at home, will start crying.

Jada will be upstairs banging her personal trainer.

The March of the Dead will be unleashed. Images of those in the film industry who died in the last year will be shown on screen and on televisions around the world. Famous actors and directors will be applauded. Cinematographers and designers and special effect wizards who have died will be met by a collective 'who the hell is that' response from the audience. 

Somewhere, a long retired screenwriter will sigh with dismay and tell his wife, "Honey, the Academy seems to think I'm dead."

John Travolta will shake his head when an image of Donald Sutherland appears on screen. "That Delbert Salinger was a really good actor."

The night will drag on. Cruise will be biding his time, watching the telecast, waiting for what he feels is the right time to show himself. One of the waiters will walk over and ask him if he can get a part in the next Mission Impossible. "Silence, minion!" Cruise will tell him.

Little does the waiter know that in a little while, none of this will matter, that he won't be able to tell anyone how curt Cruise is.

Two acting nominees from the same film will break out into a fight when one of them wins in their category, while the other one didn't in theirs, live on stage. The fight will be broken up by Jones and Tomei, who will drag both of them off stage. 

Conan O'Brien will announce to the audience that there's a correction to the March of the Dead. It seems that one of the screenwriters is in fact still alive, and apologies to him and his family and all of that. Because he's a screenwriter, no one will care.

When going to the stage to present an Oscar, Jennifer Lawrence will trip.

Cruise will tell his team that now is their time to make their move. A rolling door will be opened up. Ten people will mount motorbikes for an epic stunt ride to the Dolby Theatre. Scott Baio will look over at Cruise, nod, and say, "this is fun!"

"Shut up, Chachi!" Cruise will snap back.

Tomei and Jones will be standing by backstage as Mullan and Kapoor speak with the two actors involved in the fight. Most of the producer's ire will be focused on the sore loser who started the whole thing and attacked the winner.

Cruise will lead his motley gang of Mission Impossible wannabes through the streets of Hollywood, closing on on his target, looking forward to getting to have his say.

One of them will get second thoughts about the wisdom of all this and veer off to the left and take a side street and drive away. Ten years from now, after his big break into Hollywood, he will be glad he decided not to go through with Tom Cruise's crazy plan.

It will be time for the naming of the Best Actor. Leonardo DiCaprio will notice the return of Marisa Tomei and Tommy Lee Jones from backstage. He'll feel a familiar dread return.

One block away, Scott Baio will make a mistake on his motorbike. While Tom Cruise will avoid the eight motorbike pile up that will ensue, Baio will be part of it, slamming into another one and sending all of the remaining waiters and bit part actors into a pile of wreckage just short of the red carpet. Cruise will stop his bike, look back, and yell, "You idiots!"

Baio, suffering from multiple contusions and broken bones, will say, "help me!"

Multiple gawkers will look on in astonishment as Cruise runs inside the theatre.

Leonardo DiCaprio will find it in himself to ignore that bad feeling in the pit of his stomach to get up as the actress presenting the Best Actor award starts to make the announcement. He will head down the aisle towards the stage. "Hey! I've got something I need to say!"

Jones and Tomei will see him coming, and both get themselves in position to intercept. This is what they've been waiting for all year.

Tom Cruise will burst into the theatre, looking like a maniac. "Stop the Oscars!" he will bellow.

Cruise will storm down the aisle, finding DiCaprio blocking his way. "Hey! I was going to talk first!" DiCaprio will protest.

"Nobody cares about you anyway, Leo," Cruise will snap back. Neither of them will notice the two forces of nature striding across the stage towards them as they bicker and argue.

Tommy Lee Jones will grab Cruise by the shoulder, turning him around. Cruise will briefly recognize the face of the man who keeps thrashing him every year before Jones hits him right in the face with a left hook. And then the real beatdown will begin.

Sensing danger, DiCaprio will turn, only to find himself face to face with Marisa Tomei, who will deliver a devastating punch to the face. The crack of his nose breaking again will become the talk of the Oscars again. And it's only the beginning.

The Oscars will wrap up, eight hours past its expected end time. Mullan and Kapoor will be dealing with their side bet as to how long it would actually last.

Barbra Streisand will wake up in hospital, finding out it's the next day and she missed the Oscars again.

Tom Cruise will be in hospital, having had sustained multiple cuts, a broken nose, broken ribs, and a hard kick to the groin. He will also be facing charges of violating a trespass order and criminal mischief, as three of his Mission Impossible team died in that motorbike pile.

And Leonardo DiCaprio will be undergoing treatment for multiple broken bones, including his nose, and internal bleeding. He will say over and over again, "Marisa Tomei hurt me! Again!!!"

Curse Of An Internet Troll

There is of course the sort of spammer I mentioned in my last post: the mass email spamming waste of space passing off a sob story (badly) as a legitimate front for their scam. They're good for ridicule, but not much else. And then there's another kind of spammer. The sort who leaves inane, pointless comments in a post. More often then not it's just spamming their own website. Easily gotten rid of. Just banished to the netherworld limbo of spam comments where they belong.

But then there's a particularly vile sort of spammer, leaving comments that are on a level all their own. Since Covid started there's been someone (or someones) out there leaving the same copy and paste sort of comment, sometimes here or on my photoblog. One such comment was left in the last post and swiftly banished to spam comment limbo. The same person, always anonymous with no website to go back to, has left that very same comment from time to time on other blogs I follow. You've probably seen them before the blog author has a chance to delete them. Here's the comment from this internet troll, quoted verbatim, from before I sent it off to spam comment purgatory, left here in the last post. Apologies in advance, as I'll be using some coarse language in reply, but then again, he deserves it.

i can't wait for the vaccines to kill off the boomers. There have been a shitload of deaths, at least 200,000 so far, related to the vaccines. Obviously the media isn't gonna talk about this. You boomers wanted to destroy your own children's future, well guess what, YOU are the ones being destroyed now. Boomers are living in terror and horror now, and this is their karma for ruining their own children and grand children's lives and futures. And even if the vaccine doesn't get you, the doctors are openly calling everything "covid19" now and ramming tubes down boomer's throats and putting them on death machines known as "ventilators". Either way, you boomers are fucked. You are the most evil generation to ever exist. You get what you deserve, boomer scum!

Ah, yes. This is routine for this 'person'. I put person in quotations, because as far as a human being goes, this extremely enraged jackass is a pretty lousy excuse for one. They do say you shouldn't feed an internet troll.... but I can't resist. I see someone this stupid, and I just have to slap them upside the head. So where do I begin? 

First off, by saying I'm not a boomer. I'm part of Generation X. 

That's right, dumbass. When you mass copy and paste the exact same comment into countless blogs whose authors aren't interested in your anger... you might want to consider that not everyone you're spamming is in the age category you've got such a grudge against.

And it is quite a grudge. Look, I get it. You're frustrated, and you want to take it out on the Baby Boomers. Fine.  You could do so constructively on your own blog (which doesn't exist, because you're a coward too afraid to actually comment as anything but Anonymous). You could make an argument in a thoughtful way about boomers being self absorbed, how they've had everything handed to them, how it's so much harder now to get things done. It would be full of generalizations, half truths, and inaccuracies, but at the very least you'd be expressing your frustrations like a human being. 

As opposed to being the world's biggest crybaby.

No, that's what you are and what you do. You take this whole thing we're dealing with- Covid. And you vent and you rage and you howl at the moon. You blame boomers for everything, you get on the anti-vaccination crazy train by hoping vaccines kill off all the boomers (I seem to recall that when you started this rage-storm of bullshit commentary, you were hoping Covid would kill off all the boomers), and you spout inaccuracies and conspiracy theories. You scream about boomers ruining their children and grandchildren, how they're living in horror and terror, and blather on about how doctors are calling everything Covid-19 now, and how ventilators are death machines. And somewhere in that feeble brain of yours you're saying that the boomers are fucked, that they are the most evil generation that ever existed, and they get what they deserve.

Wow. I mean, really.

Somebody needs anger management therapy.

Or to just get the shit kicked out of them on principle.

You're mad, man (and let's face it, whoever this gutless anonymous coward is, this is definitely a man). You're angry at the world, screaming and no one's hearing you. You think the world owes you, and you resent like hell that people are carrying on their lives without your say so. And so you take out your rage on baby boomers. I'll assume your parents are boomers, and maybe that's all part of it. Whatever it is, you're mad at the universe in general, and at boomers in particular.

And then there's the other thing: you're a coward.

Yes, a coward. You comment anonymously. Because you're such a pathetic, ineffectual excuse for a human being that you can't abide the thought of someone coming into your personal space and calling you out for what you are. A gutless fucking coward. That's what you are. 

And I find it hilarious that a rage-storm impending shooting spree such as yourself has the gall to talk about karma. There's good karma and bad karma. And someone so filled with such anger and hostility at the world is going to get the latter. Maybe it's about more than being angry at boomers. Maybe it's you're pissed off at the universe for the fact that you were born. But you've got a whole lot of anger inside you, and you take it out by randomly commenting the exact same load of bile, venom, and bullshit on blogs of people who don't know you, and frankly don't care one bit about you.

And you talk about karma?

Be careful what you wish for. Karma may someday soon come and treat you as you deserve. Badly.

So you've got it in for boomers. No doubt you blame them for the state of your life. After all, you've got failure written all over you, pal. It's in every word you write. Failure. 

But guess what? Boomers aren't the reason for you being a failure. The person you should blame for the clusterfuck that is your life? It's you. You're the only person to blame for the utter misery that is every single day of your life. You're the reason everyone who knows you in real life hates you. You're the reason, o hater of boomers.... that you are such a useless, worthless, vile repugnance. You're the reason why when you are no longer alive, no one who ever knew you will miss you. They'll just shrug and say good riddance.

Again: you. Just you. Nobody else but you.

Now, you can come to grips with that. Grow the fuck up, calm the fuck down, get help for that serious temper you've got, lose the conspiracy theory bullshit mindset you've got.... and start taking responsibility for your failures as a human being. 

But let's face it, that would take a level of self realization and self awareness that a fucked up jackass like yourself just doesn't have. 

So in closing, I'll leave it to this guy to sum up my opinion where you're concerned.

The Insecurities Of An Angry Actor

Academy Awards To Go Ahead; Star Demands Respect

Los Angeles (AP) Further details on the 90^th Academy Awards were announced by producers. The annual awards blowout and celebrity love-in event will be happening on March 4^th, 2018, hosted once again by Jimmy Kimmel, returning from last year. Producers Michael de Luca and Jennifer Todd met with reporters in Hollywood at the Academy’s Pickford Center For Motion Picture Study to discuss some of the outlying issues of the ceremony, which each year crowns winners in multiple categories and seems to draw in way too much emphasis on what people are wearing.

Nominations will be opening up early in the new year, with numerous films speculated about as contenders in various categories. The producers confirmed that Kimmel’s steady hosting and capacity for improvising in the last year’s epic-length ceremony made him a good bet to return this year, and that Kimmel has been hard at work with the writing staff in devising the opening. They also promised to do everything in their power to bring the ceremonies in on time. “As opposed to the usual eighteen to forty eight hour ordeal,” Todd noted.

“Yes, I can confirm that Jack Nicholson’s corpse will be present and accounted for,” de Luca added. “In cooperation with the terms of his will, the annual touch-ups on his embalming will be taking place in the days leading up to the ceremony, and he’ll be ready to go, propped up right in the front row as always. We are trying to get people to agree to sit beside him, but thus far have had problems getting solid commitment in that regard.”

Todd carried on. “Yes, we are well aware of the ongoing scandals involving actors, producers, and the like in sexual harassment or assault. We continue to monitor the situation, and can assure you that those who have been accused will not be attending. If, during the ceremonies, breaking news comes out that one of the attendees is being accused of anything, we are fully prepared to throw them out. Mr. Kimmel plans on devoting time during the ceremonies to single out Harvey Weinstein in particular as a target of his comedic wrath. We have no idea where Mr. Weinstein is, so you’ll have to ask his lawyer. Who, if they act like any other lawyer would, will just say they have no comment pending legal hearings anyway.”

“And then there are the other matters,” de Luca remarked. “Over the last few years we’ve had persistent problems with the behavior of Tom Cruise, who has perpetually shown up despite not being invited and has routinely made a fool of himself, demanding attention. Once again this year we will have our enforcers on hand. Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei have kindly agreed to take on that position again, and rest assured, neither of them need brass knuckles to get the job done.”

“You can’t let her in!” a voice bellowed from the back of the room. Reporters turned, and a familiar figure came striding through the crowd towards the producers. Leonardo DiCaprio, the perpetually Oscar deprived actor (at least until his lead role in The Revenant), looked irritated. The actor, who actually hasn’t acted in a feature film lately, and who isn’t scheduled to act any time soon, has been known for making scenes at the Oscars and getting beaten up by the aforementioned Ms. Tomei as a consequence. “Marisa Tomei broke my nose! She’s humiliated me repeatedly, and you can’t let her attend the ceremony!” He took to the podium, glaring out at the reporters, looking less like the heartthrob from his Titanic days and more like he was channeling a middle aged Orson Welles.

“Mr. DiCaprio,” de Luca started, and the actor turned, glaring at him. “You’ve been warned about this before. Ranting doesn’t look good for anyone, but especially you, and if it means we’re required to bring in actors who know how to handle themselves in a fight and who have no problem at all knocking someone out, that’s what we’ll do.”

“What part of she broke my nose are you not hearing?” DiCaprio countered, turning back to the reporters. “I demand respect! I am the greatest actor alive today, and I should be treated as such! I mean, there’s a reason I’ve got supermodels to date all the time, you know!”

“Because you have money and fame?” this reporter asked, not adding, it can’t be for your personality.

DiCaprio nodded. “My point is no one treats me the way I’ve been treated and just keeps getting away with it! I demand that she be barred from the Oscars. Jones too! I won’t be hit in the face by anyone ever again!” The actor went on, but movement behind him caught the eyes of everyone. Jones and Tomei themselves came out on stage, silently moving behind the actor as he carried on ranting. Finally Jones tapped on his left shoulder, while Tomei tapped on his right shoulder. DiCaprio turned… and Tomei and Jones hit him in the face at the same time, sending him tumbling to the floor.

The press conference broke up shortly thereafter. Tomei and Jones were quiet, but seemed quite satisfied. The producers thanked reporters for coming. Reporters speculated on the long odds of the Oscars actually running on time. And DiCaprio was taken out of the building by paramedics, holding his nose and yelling, “they broke my nose again!”

What Kind Of Name Is Steppenwolf?

“No protectors here. No Lanterns. No Kryptonian. This world will fall, like all the others.” ~ Steppenwolf

“I miss the days when one’s biggest concern is exploding wind-up penguins.” ~ Alfred Pennyworth

“A strong man is strongest alone, ever heard that?” ~ Arthur Curry

“You wanted me to be a leader, but leaders get people killed.” ~ Diana

“Superman was a beacon to the world. He didn’t just save people, he made them see the best part of themselves.” ~ Bruce Wayne

And so the DC cinematic universe carries on, trying to play catch-up with the Marvel cinematic universe in the fifth entry in the franchise, if one counts the shared continuity that started in Man Of Steel, followed in Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice, Suicide Squad, and Wonder Woman. That last film, a highly successful and entertaining origin story that hit theatres in the summer, finally got the DC universe right in this continuity. Justice League picks up where Batman V Superman left off, with Bruce and Diana’s organizing of the superhumans we got a glimpse of in that movie into a team. Zack Snyder directs the film (with a designated pinch director, yes, that is a term, now, in the form of Joss Whedon) after helming two of the previous films in the franchise.

A prologue set deep in the past finds Steppenwolf (Ciaran Hinds), the big bad of the film, accompanied by an army of Parademons (ugly bastards from another world, just like their boss) trying the old conquering the world ploy on Earth, only to be stopped by an army of Amazons, Atlanteans, Olympian gods, humans, and Green Lanterns. Their technology, called Mother Boxes, are dispersed around the world. In the present day, months after the death of Superman (Henry Cavill), Steppenwolf returns to have another go at world domination in an attempt to get back on the good side of his master. All that stand in his way are five heroes (plus a sixth late in the game): the Justice League. Batman (Ben Affleck) and Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) bring together Aquaman (Jason Momoa), the Flash (Ezra Miller), and Cyborg (Ray Fisher).

Justice League has been in the making for years, going back to the time when Christopher Nolan was making his Dark Knight trilogy (which are an entirely different continuity and were outstanding films, not reflecting the issues that the current DC cinematic shared continuity have had). It had long been stalled in the production process, until Snyder came along with Man of Steel, a film the studio wanted to be the start-off for further continuity. Snyder would return for the bleak Batman V Superman, and also directed the bulk of this, until a personal tragedy caused him to step away from post production and reshoots. Joss Whedon, who was involved in the screenplay with Chris Terrio, stepped in to cover the bases on that. There is a bit of a stilted feel of things at times though, and perhaps that has to do with two directors- two different styles are stitched together.

Terrio’s screenplay, with light humour mixed in from Whedon’s side of things, is a sprawling epic that plays off of what has come before- character dynamics, the history of the DC universe, the previous films- and takes it in a new direction. Steppenwolf might be a strange name for a villain, but he’s previously established in the DC universe as a forerunner for someone who’s even worse, and the parademons are also as well established as a formidable threat. The story has to bring these heroes together (even if some of them would rather stay right out of it) to face a threat that can’t be solved by one person- a good reflection of the prologue, which brings a disparate group to fight together against the same threat. The story, as things go along, certainly is lighter in tone than the utter bleakness of Batman V Superman or the lunatic energy of Suicide Squad.

The production values certainly look good. Parademons and the look of Steppenwolf, for instance, are well rendered and menacing. Amazonians, Atlanteans, Olympians, and the Lantern Corps all come across as you’d expect. New characters have been designed in a way that both fits a movie reality and their comic book origins. Cyborg, a mix of human and machine as a result of an accident, looks much like he would in the comics, only with more technological detail. The Flash, the scarlet speedster, ends up with a costume that takes his abilities into consideration, but still rings close to what we see on the printed page. Aquaman, a character who’s often been belittled (mostly because of a cheesy 70s animated show) looks quite different- instead of a blond haired man with a yellow shirt, we get an exotic looking ferocious warrior with scale armor and a trident, looking like the last person you’d want to irritate.

The cast is fairly well chosen, some of them new, others returning from previous films. Ciaran Hinds is one of those character actors you’ve seen in movies and television shows down through the years- Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 2, Amazing Grace, Road To Perdition, The Sum Of All Fears, Munich, The Woman In Black, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and The Nativity Story are among his extensive resume. Much of the role he plays here is a combination of motion capture as Steppenwolf. The character is a scheming, ambitious villain, but tired in other ways, seeking a way out of the servitude he finds himself in. Hinds gets to chew the scenery throughout like a megalomaniac, which you expect out of the Big Bad in one of these.

J.K. Simmons comes on board as Commissioner Gordon, a mainstay of the Batman mythos- with some of the same dynamics the two characters share in the comics and previous movie incarnations, partners of a sort who meet on rooftops and conspire together. Simmons, who’s one of those marvelous character actors who just make a movie more interesting by being around, has been in the comics adaptations before, having had played the grouchy J. Jonah Jameson in the three Sam Raimi Spider-Man films (one halfway expects Gordon to bark “Parker!”).  Diane Lane and Amy Adams reprise their roles from previous films in the DC continuity as Martha Kent and Lois Lane, this time finding themselves stunned by a turn of events that strikes close to home, and both actresses play to that. Jeremy Irons returns as Bruce Wayne’s faithful butler Alfred, still bringing a dry, sardonic wit to his take on the character.

Ray Fisher appeared briefly in Batman V Superman as Victor Stone, the young athlete whose life is shattered in an accident and whose scientist father Silas (Joe Morton, returning again as the sympathetic genius) has managed to keep him alive, though as more machine than man. As Cyborg, the character has multiple technological advantages, including flight, weapons, and technological manipulation, and the actor, playing at least in part through motion capture, conveys the notion of a young man trapped forever in a metallic shell, likely to never have a real life of his own, but still holding onto his humanity.

Ezra Miller is another young character, Barry Allen, already established in a cameo from Batman V Superman as having super powers as the Flash, helping people out in swift, but unheralded ways. The character is a university student quietly trying to live his life, being drawn into a much bigger world than he would have been prepared for, but he comes into his own as the story unfolds, and the character has a light, funny touch, particularly in how he interacts with everyone else around him.

Jason Momoa gets a fun role as the gruff and fierce Arthur Curry, aka Aquaman. The Atlantean warrior and royal is a metahuman whose great strength comes from his Atlantean biology, and he divides his time between ocean and the seashore. He’s dismissive and standoffish at first, feeling his loyalties must be to Atlantis, but circumstances bring him to accept a place in the wider world as well. The actor gives the character an intensely physical quality, a ferocious energy, and seems to be having fun as he goes along. It also helps that he’s got good chemistry with Mera (Amber Heard); the two characters will be back in a solo film in the not too distant future.

Henry Cavill returns as Clark Kent, otherwise known as Superman, after his death in Batman V Superman (death doesn’t really last in the comics, so why should it in movies?). How that return plays out is a bit convoluted, but Cavill plays the character in a different way than we’ve seen before: initial confusion at first, a natural reaction to a contingency measure of sorts secondly, a seeking out of who he is thirdly, and a return to glory when it really matters.

Gal Gadot impressed a lot of people with Wonder Woman during the summer, and she was the best part of Batman V Superman as well, and her return here as Diana is welcome. She’s spent a century after the events of her origin film on Earth as an immortal, quietly staying out of the way of humanity, apart from her mother and her Amazonian people. With the close of Batman V Superman, Diana has had to accept that she has to come back into the world, working with Bruce Wayne (and bantering and bickering a bit too) to forge a team to meet overwhelming threats. The actress plays her as someone of strength, principle, integrity, and will. emerging from the shadows and rising to the occasion.

Ben Affleck returns (though will he return again, that’s the question) as Bruce Wayne, the cranky Dark Knight who’s spent years as a vigilante in the darkness of Gotham City and who picked a fight with Superman in the previous film, well, just because the story told him to, before realizing that he was fighting the wrong person. His take on the character is lighter than it was in that film, where he certainly went for the grim and gritty. He’s still world weary, a non-powered human being with a brilliant mind, a lot of money, and an iron will who’s become more willing to trust and work with others to counter threats. He may not be a metahuman like those around him, but Affleck still plays the role as someone you don’t want to annoy.

Justice League still bears some of the marks of a problem for the DC cinematic universe: in trying to catch up with the Marvel cinematic universe, which hasn’t stumbled, the DC universe stumbles a bit. This happened with the previous films (with the exception of Wonder Woman), and it does happen here. Rather than just let the films tell themselves, the studio seems obsessed with playing catch-up. Two directors, with very different styles, end up creating a tone of inconsistency at times. That said, however, it is entertaining, giving the new characters a chance to shine and for the audience to get to know them. It also tells a sprawling epic that builds off of what’s already come before, gives us characters who mesh fairly well together, and which points ways to the future for all of them.