A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

It has been a long while since I last featured the perspective of that vile, delusional, hoping for the impossible sports fan otherwise known as a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Yes, that demented fool, part of a pack of likewise demented fools calling themselves Leafs Nation, still believing that this year is going to be their year. All while oblivious to the fact that no, it won't be.

9:12 AM. Awake at home. Took the day off. Told the boss to go **** himself, that there are more important things to do today than my job. Well, that's not quite the ****in' way I put it, but let's just say I called in sick. 

A big day. The New York ****in' Rangers are in town tonight, and our Leafs are gonna win, baby! Woooo!!!!!!!!!!

9:38 AM. Gettin' ready for the big game. Got my jersey all ready to wear and go. Got my double vax done and taken care of. Not that I believe in any of that vax bull****, it's just that the arena is insistin' on it, and I'm a ****in' big time Leafs fan. So of course I got ****in' vaxxed.

10:02 AM. Mornin' breakfast of eggs, bacon, and maple syrup. The maple's for good luck tonight for the boys. Don't let us down, boys. This is our first step to winnin' the Stanley Cup. We're long overdue.

10:15 AM. Still feel like gripin' about how last year's playoffs went. One, because of those stupid ass ****in' restrictions, I didn't get to see one game in person. Who the **** got to see a game live? Some stupid ass ****in' essential ****in' health care workers! Who gives a **** about them?

But that's not the ****in' point. The point is those Montreal Canadiens beat our boys in that first round. That's enough of a humiliation. What made it even worse is they went all the way to the ****in' finals. They coulda won the Stanley Cup!

And that's unacceptable, you ****in' hear me? We can't be in this extended ****in' drought for more than half a century and let that happen.

10:20 AM. .... I mean, come on! It had to have been some big conspiracy! Someone up high in the NHL must have it in for the Leafs, and so they're goin' outta their ****in' way to keep our boys out of the finals, and hurt us even more by havin' the Montreal ****in' Canadiens beat our boys in the first round! That hurts! That's like a ****in' wound in the ****in' heart, man!

11:35 AM. Watchin' some of my Don Cherry Rock 'Em Sock 'Em videos. The guy is my mentor in life. Tells it like it is, pisses off the libs. Smartest guy I know. He should be the coach of the Leafs. Anyway, the way they booted him out of being a commentator? Totally ****in' wrong. Who gives a **** if he's a ****in' racist? I don't!

2:48 PM. Harry and Jack show up early. Hey, boys! Big game tonight! Are you ready? I'm ****in' ready! 

4:21 PM. Me and Jack and Harry get in a cab to head downtown to catch the game. Step on it, pal, we got a lot of pre-game drinkin' to get done before the big game! Don't give me that look. We're not about to throw up in your cab. We'll do that after the game.

5:03 PM. Gettin' into the bar before the game. Hey! Beer here!

6:38 PM. In the arena on our way to our seats. I'll tell you, boys, there's nothin' as great as watchin' the greatest team in the history of ****in' forever on the way to winnin' the Stanley Cup and bringin' it on home where it belongs. Nothin'!

7:04 PM. Anthem time. They've done that Star Spangled Whatever. Now it's time for our anthem. Ready, boys? 

O Maple Leafs, We will kick Habs ass too....

7:07 PM. Almost time for the game.... puck drop about to happen, here we go, boys! Get 'em!!!!!

7:08 PM. Boys, I don't get it. How the **** did they score on us?

7:48 PM. End of the first period. Rangers ahead nine to zero. Geez, Leafs, you gotta get your head in the game here, boys....

8:27 PM. How the **** can the Rangers be ahead 15 to 0? Is there some kinda ****in' conspiracy here? Hey, ref! Are you ****in' blind? Give those mother****ers some penalties! They're makin' us look bad!

8:59 PM. In between the second and third periods. Starin' at myself in the bathroom mirror. Tryin' to understand how the ****in' Rangers have scored twenty one goals tonight and our boys haven't scored one. Are the refs bein' bribed???

9:33 PM. Watchin' them score again on our boys. This hurts. This hurts way down deep. This was supposed to be our night. This was supposed to be our year. And it's happening again... it's all happening again.

9:36 PM. Another goal???? Come on, Campbell, pay attention! They're murderin' us tonight! You hear me??? Murderin' us!

9:40 PM. One of those event medics stop by and asks if I'm all right. Do I look all right? My boys are gettin' humiliated out there, and it's drivin' me ****in' nuts! Get the **** away from me!

10:01 PM. Final score, 27 to 0. Boys? We gotta get outta here. I need a drink. Or ten.

10:23 PM. Harry and Jack and me get into the bar. Lots of downcast faces. It hurts, man, it hurts. You know what, boys? I've said it before, but I mean it this time.

I'm done.

I'm done rootin' for a team that keeps ****in' up and breakin' my heart over and over again. Every ****in' year.

**** the Leafs!

11:35 PM. Me and Harry and Jack have been drinkin' for the last hour. Talkin' it over. You know, it has to be a conspiracy. The League is out to get them. That's it. Yeah, that's it. **** what I said earlier. You know, that thing about **** the Leafs? Forget that.

This was a bad night. We'll get past it. The boys will get past it. 

As long as we all believe in them. 

You with me, boys?

12:03 AM. I try hittin' on some babe in the bar. Tell her I'm in tight with the Leafs.

She tells me to go **** myself and walks away.

Must be a Rangers fan. 

12:15 AM. The bartender ushers us out of the bar. Don't worry, we'll be back here tomorrow night. Because drinkin' is the best way of havin' fun. 

No, I don't have a problem managing my booze. I love my booze.

12:39 AM. Back home, Only threw up twice in the cab. Staggerin' in the front door, collapsing on the couch. Geez, I'm gonna have a big ass mother****in' hangover in the mornin'. 

But that's okay.

Because I love the Leafs.

And the Leafs love me.

Go Leafs go!

Breaking The Faith Of Leafs Nation

Team Gets Beaten By Zamboni Driver; Fans Have Collective Meltdown

Toronto (CP). If you tried telling a story like this in a movie, it would be dismissed as pure fantasy. And yet it happened last weekend. The Carolina Hurricanes came into town to play the Maple Leafs in a game last Saturday. What should have been a standard game became the stuff of legends, magic, one of those once in a lifetime moments… and yet more tears for Maple Leafs fans. At this point they should be used to it.

On February 22^nd, both Carolina goaltenders were injured during the game. Thus began what would be a memory for the ages. David Ayres, a forty two year old Zamboni driver for Toronto and practice goaltender for the Leafs and their minor league affiliate the Marlies, was enlisted as an emergency goaltender. This is not unheard of in hockey, but a rare thing. But in this case, he was being enlisted to play goal for the other team.

And play he did. Ayres became the first emergency back-up goalie to record a win in the history of the NHL, playing nearly half the game, stopping eight of ten shots made on him while the Hurricanes won the game 6-3. In the aftermath, Ayres has been the talk of the hockey world for the accomplishment, enjoying the attention. Hockey commentators have been talking about the improbability of the feat. Beer league players have been buzzing, the general tone of the talk being, ‘well if he can do it, why can’t we?’ Hurricane fans have lauded Ayres.

And Leafs Nation? They’re presently in a state of denial, despair, and heartbreak.

“It’s sad to see,” Toronto psychologist Gareth Eddings remarked this week. “You have generations of people brainwashed to believe that this team will win the Cup again sometime soon. When it hasn’t happened since 1967. And year after year, the team screws up and blows it and gets kicked out of the playoffs in some humiliating way. That’s assuming they even make the playoffs. And each year it happens, the anguish, the tears, the pleading with God… it all repeats itself. Some of them come to therapy. Others pour out their grief to their bartenders. But none of them ever learn from it, because October comes along, and there they are, confident that this is going to be their year. I keep trying to tell them, this year is never going to be their year.”

The doctor sighed before continuing. “It’s a clinical condition, unfortunately. MapleLeafitis Delusionitis is the term. There’s no cure for it. All we can do is try to catch the kids early before their parents indoctrinate them into the cult. It’s sad, really. You try to get people to see sense, but in so many ways, they never will. Very sad indeed. And now this? In some ways this is even more painful than what happened in some of the playoffs of recent years. I mean, honestly, if these guys can’t beat their own Zamboni driver, what business do they have in any arena? Personally, at this point, I think a pee wee league of six year olds could beat the Leafs.”

While there haven’t been any threats or accusations of treason against Ayres by fans, the fact that he beat their team rankles with the fans. “It’s not fair!” one unnamed fan told this reporter outside the Scotiabank Arena in Toronto. “We bleed white and blue! You hear me? We bleed it! We give this team everything, year in, year out, and all we want is the ****in’ Cup! We want the parade! We want to ****in’ see that we haven’t been wastin’ our ****in’ time! And year in and year out, we end up getting’ our hearts ****in’ broken! And this??? Our own Zamboni driver? They can’t get sixty seven goals past him? Come on, boys! What’s your ****in’ problem?"

The man seemed particularly agitated, though that may be quite common for Leafs fans at the moment. He paused for a few moments, spoke more quietly, his eyes red. Tears? Alcohol? A mix of both? “It just…. It breaks your ****in’ heart, man. Breaks the heart. Is it too much to ask for one more Leafs Cup before I die? Does God hate us that much? No! It can’t be! So all I can think is there must be some great big conspiracy out there. I haven’t got that ****in’ conspiracy figured out, but it’s out there. And it means our boys aren’t gonna win the Cup. And that just breaks my heart. Well, either I can wallow in this, and believe me, I have. I’ve been ****in’ drinkin’ myself into a ****in’ stupor every night since Black Saturday. Or I can rise above it. Right here, right now.”

This reporter wondered, just for a moment, if the fan might just come to terms with the reality that he had wasted years of his life cheering on a team that would consistently let him down. The moment passed, as the fan carried on. “The Leafs need to sign me up as centre, right now. I’ll show ‘em what it means to win. Harry! Jack! Tell this ****er how ****in’ good I am playing bar league hockey!”

For the last word on the matter, we turn to the Almighty, God Herself. “I know, I know, I hear all the prayers from Leafs fans. And as much as it might lift their burdens to allow a Leafs cup, I simply can’t and won’t do that. Part of having free will means making foolish decisions. Like rooting for the Leafs. I’ll be perfectly honest, because being honest is a God thing to do. I’ve made it very clear down through history… that I don’t hate. Though there is an exception. I hate the Leafs.”

Getting Lost In Your Own Museum

It is Thanksgiving today here in Canada, so I'm largely away, but I have an image blog. Enjoy!