The Heartache Of Leafs Nation

Leafs Nation Shattered Once Again After Team Lets Them Down

Toronto (CP) It is a universally acknowledged truth that the Maple Leafs will rip the hearts out of their fans each and every year. Some years it's in not even making the playoffs at all. Others, it's getting a round or two in, only to have the other team stomp on them and send them off to the golf courses. The drought now extends back to 1967, with generations of the fandom otherwise known as Leafs Nation getting their hearts broken. Again, and again. And again. And again some more.

The fortunes of the Maple Leafs took a wrong turn in round two of the Stanley Cup playoffs, after the team won the first two games against the Florida Panthers, only to have everything go horribly wrong, losing three games straight, winning Game 6, and getting humiliated in Game 7, getting eliminated from the playoffs. Leafs Nation have been drowning their sorrows ever since in bars and wondering why things looked so promising, only to collapse in on them. Bartenders have reported a brisk business, all while also reporting acting as unofficial therapists and sources of comfort in the wake of yet another screw up and team collapse.

"This is always a busy time of year for us," one downtown bartender reported. "We bring in a lot of business, but the flip side to it, the fans are deep in that despair stage of grief right now. They're crying, they're hurting, and they all lean on us for some kind of reassurance that it'll get better."

Not all of them are at the despair stage. Some are still angry, blaming the refs, looking for conspiracy theories as to what went wrong. "This was supposed to be our year," Darryl Aldeborough, a long time fan told this reporter. "But we got screwed. Big time. The refs, man, the refs. They got paid off by somebody. I don't know who, but when I find out, I'm gonna..."

This reporter stopped Aldeborough there, reminding him he was venturing into making threats territory.

It's not just the bartenders who are consoling people in the wake of the train wreck that was Round Two. Ministers, priests, and other religious leaders have reported an overwhelming amount of hurt, anger, despair, and heartache from those who have come for consolation. The Reverend Angus Carlyle, a Presbyterian pastor in Edmonton, had an unusual take on the matter. "There is a school of thought, informal, you understand, among some of the faithful in Leafs Nation that they are being punished by God. That God hates the Leafs. That His wrath is being repeatedly vented upon them. And when you look at going on sixty years of failed hopes and dreams... well, you can understand where they're coming from. Doesn't affect me all that much. I'm an Oilers fan."

Psychologists are also reporting heightened levels of anxiety, grief, and depression in Leafs Nation. "It's astonishing, this level of commitment," Doctor Alexandra Seward noted from her Kingston offices. "Generations of people who live and die as Maple Leafs fans, proclaiming each and every year that this is going to be their year, and then seeing their hopes dashed to pieces. We in this profession are starting to muse on the possibility that it might be some sort of mental illness, this devotion to a team that consistently breaks hearts, followed by a summer of forgetting that broken heart. It's been said that insanity is repeating the same mistakes, and well... Leafs Nation keeps making the same mistake."

Game 7 might well have been the most painful game in recent history for fans, a 6 to 1 thrashing in which the Leafs barely registered at all, while the Florida Panthers stomped all over them. Hometown fans were leaving the arena well before the game ended, sensing the worst. The crowd out in Maple Leaf Square were seen howling and crying. In a city of rational hockey fans, this would be enough to kill the fandom. But this is Leafs Nation, and rational doesn't qualify when describing them.

They were spotted burning their Maple Leaf flags, their jerseys. And yet it was inevitable that the same people doing that were just twenty four hours later reassuring themselves that no, this was all a bad memory, and that next year would be better. It is a vicious cycle without end, of bargaining and acceptance, of living in the rut of cheering for a team that will, when it really counts, screw up really badly and blow their chances. 

One season ticket holder this reporter spoke to seemed to take it all in stride, though he declined to give a name. "I know, they're my team. But I also know that they're going to come apart when it really matters. I saw it last year, and told the guys, 'this is when it all starts falling apart.' And I saw it this year in Game 5 when they got smacked around. Hey, at least I made some money on it this time. I bet Florida would win the round, and that's what happened."

Other fans are feeling the pain. At another of the city's bars, this reporter encountered a trio of rather infamous fans, men who once held the Stanley Cup hostage and demanded the Leafs be retroactively be named the champions. "It's ****in' simple," one of them told this reporter. "It's one big ****in' conspiracy against us. Against our boys. Yeah, sure, we might lose our minds after a bad loss and for a moment or two blame the team, but **** no! It's not their fault! We're Leafs Nation! Me and Jack and Harry, we're the biggest fans of the Leafs! Am I right, boys?"

He guzzled down some Molsons before continuing. "Point is, these things ****in' happen. And we'll hurt for a little bit, but we'll get past it. Because they're our team, and we bleed Leafs blue. And next year is gonna be different. Am I right, boys? Go Leafs go!!!!"

This reporter left them to their drinking, seeing no point in trying to get them to accept a little thing called reality.

They came. They saw. They didn't conquer. So it can be said for the end of the Maple Leafs 2024-25 season, ending once again in a disaster of epic proportions. Heads will roll in the off season, but who? And how soon? Which trades will be made, and what rationalizations will be given? 

This reporter leaves off with a remark from someone living in the nation's capital. "There are three certainties. Death. Taxes. And the Maple Leafs screwing up when it really counts."

An Annual Overblown Sports Extravaganza

Super Bowl About To Be Unleashed; NFL Fans Elated While Normal People Shrug

New Orleans (AP). It is the annual winter blowout game of the NFL. Along with endless commercials, a bloated halftime show that will leave people scratching their heads and wondering what that was all about. Couch coaches will be debating endlessly the merits of the game. Skeptics will be wondering how fixed the game really is. And those of us who don't really care about football in the first place will be wondering what the fuss is all about.

People have been gathering in New Orleans over the last few days, where Sunday's big game will be played at the Superdome and broadcast this year through Fox. This reporter has been assigned to cover the event by his editor, even though this reporter is not a sports fan (editor: the readers love your disdain for this whole thing, sorry. We'll make it up to you by not sending you to the Oscars). This reporter, heartened by that promise, has been spending time taking in the pre-game festivities and wondering what it is about this silly game that captivates so many Americans (editor: it's a mystery). 

The Philadelphia Eagles will be playing the Kansas City Chiefs, the two-time defending Super Bowl champion team. Much has been said about the prospects, with very little fan support for either team outside their respective markets, and some fans saying that a meteor strike would be preferable. Speculation has run rampant that the NFL has fixed the game. "Nonsense," NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated to reporters on Friday. "I mean, we love the Chiefs, but we also love the Pennsylvania Eaglets."

When reminded that the actual team name is the Philadelphia Eagles, Goodell shrugged. "I said what now?"

Much has also been made of the ongoing story of the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce relationship. The singer and the Chiefs player have been a couple for over a year, creating headlines all the way. These days fans are speculating as to if an engagement ring is in the offing, or if this will all end in a revenge album when they break up. She's appeared regularly at his games, and many gossip and gush about the topic (editor: I have two teenage daughters. They're big fans. Of Taylor, that is). Speculation has ensued that a proposal might happen after the game, if the Chiefs win.

"We're busy focusing on the game," Quarterback Patrick Mahomes told reporters this week. "I mean, yeah, there's going to be a lot of distractions this year, but I just want to remind everyone that there actually is a game going on in the middle of all this glitz and glamour."

It might be hard to tell. If it's not Chiefs fans on the one hand, it's debates about Eagles fans on the other. Late in the season, one longtime fan was banned from Eagles games after saying horrid things to a fan of another team. An Eagles player, speaking on condition of anonymity, told this reporter, "that was way over the line. Unacceptable.  And from what I've heard, that guy's life has been destroyed. Look, I know our fans have a bad reputation. I mean, they're assholes, but they're our assholes, and we love them."

Also around this week has been the former Patriots coach Bill Belichick, who instead of just retiring already is spending time coaching at the college level and looking for a way to get back to the NFL level. He has been seen wandering about, looking as haggard as ever, asking team owners if they'd be interested in making him their new head coach.

Reached for comment, the owner of Belichick's soul had this to say. "That particular soul had lost nearly all of its value," Satan said from his domain of Hell. "But time runs short, and he'll be down here soon enough, I assure you. In the meantime, since it is Super Bowl time, I thought you might like to know about a former player who took up permanent residence in these parts. He's very unhappy these days, what with all the torture and the agony. But I'm sure you'll agree that if anyone deserves it,  it's O.J."

The halftime show promises to be as bloated and pointless as ever. Rapper Kendrick Lamar is headlining the event. "It's gonna be big, so ****ing big," he told reporters. "We got guest appearances, deafening speakers, pyrotechnics, a three hour set to do, and no ****in' Drake. **** that ****er."

"You said three hours?" This reporter asked.

It's going to be a long night. Filled with overblown hype and endless tedium. This reporter has already prepared the Tylenol supply for the cluster headache sure to come (editor: yeah, sorry about all that, but think of it this way. At least your former editor is still locked in that lunatic asylum after the multiple death threats.)

That isn't a comfort. In closing, maybe we'll get lucky and both teams come down with food poisoning.

Take Me Out To A Bad Ballgame

Baseball looks forward to World Series; one team's fans lament a horrid season

Chicago (AP) This week sees the beginning of professional baseball's fall classic, the World Series. The New York Yankees face off with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Yankees fans are ecstatic about seeing their team in the final round. Fans of most other teams just want to see the Yankees lose. But in the mid-west, fans of one team are still trying to come to grips with what went so horribly wrong for their team over the last season, and what to do next.

That team, of course, is the Chicago White Sox.

In what is now regarded as the worst season in modern day Major League baseball history, they had a 41 wins, 121 losses season of losing streaks, disasters, blunders, and excuses. They were the first team eliminated from playoff contention on August 17th, deep into a season full of heartbreak. The fans started leaving in droves, making White Sox home games a fairly empty affair. The team was so bad that they elevated the rest of their division by the sheer amount of beat-downs the Sox had coming- perhaps all of Major League baseball as a whole.

At this point, with the season dead and finished in Chicago, it's time for soul searching and rebuilding. Local pundits note that it could take years or decades for the White Sox to become a contender. Others note that at least in September, when they had little to play for, they ended the season going five wins to one loss in their last six games.

"This year just hurt," longtime fan Stu McNeil told this reporter. "I mean, what did we do to deserve this? Does God hate us? Is he a Cubs fan? Don't know. All I know, it's painful. It's like my cousin up in Toronto feels like with the Leafs every April. If Jerry ever reads this, sorry about makin' fun of your boys so much."

A reckoning is at hand. Some heads with the team have already rolled. Many of the players are doubtful that any other team will want them in a trade. "Don't use my name, okay?" one of the team players told this reporter. "We had a cruddy season. It happens. It hurts. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. Some of the guys, well... we've been careful with our money. If this is the end of the line and we have to retire, well... okay, we'll be fine. Some of the boys aren't good with their money, and between you and me.... some of them are screwed big time if they don't get picked up for next season."

Fans are calling for change across the board. The manager was already replaced during the season from hell. Some are demanding the coaching staff all be fired. Others are saying the owner should sell, or be sent adrift in a leaking boat. Some have asked if a season this catastrophic might be enough reason for documentary filmmaker Ken Burns to add another chapter to his Baseball saga. 

This reporter spoke with Burns. The director is no stranger to catastrophes, having had directed films on diverse calamities like the Civil War, World War Two, the Vietnam War, the Dust Bowl, and country music. "Yes, I did do a follow up several years ago on the game, as the main series had been done in the 90s. But I don't think enough time has passed for an additional follow up. Who knows? A few years down the line, and I might be inclined to. Even including such a record breaking- in a bad way- season for the fans of the White Sox. I'm a Red Sox fan, after all, and we're used to heartaches."

There's always next year, they say. But prospects are bleak. Rebuilding will take a long time, and it will have to be across the organization as a whole. How long will fans wait? Time can only tell. But this has clearly been the lowest of seasons. Or has it? Could the 2025 season be even worse? 

"I hope not," longtime fan Joe Carruthers admitted. "I've been a season ticket holder since 1974. Seen a lot of bad years, but this was the worst. I don't know if we can sustain ourselves like this. There were times it got like.... well, I could personally recognize everyone sitting in the stands while our boys were losin'. How do we come back from that?"

"We're going to get everyone good and drunk," White Sox spokesperson Allie MacPherson admitted. "November 5th, the booze is on us. A good boozefest will make the pain go away. We've already set it up with the bars all across town."

This reporter reminded MacPherson that was the same date as the elections. MacPherson was silent for a moment, and then said, "it is?" And then she ran off in a panic.

To borrow a sentimental line from a poem about baseball, there is no joy in Chicago- the mighty White Sox have struck out.

Cataclysms And Shattered Hearts

Narcissistic Director Announces Latest Disaster Movie; Real Reporters Roll Eyes In Dismay

Los Angeles (AP). It is a truth universally acknowledged that a two bit director, in search of an explosion, must be in want of attention. So Jane Austen might put it in this day and age. This past week, at the home of Digital Domain, reporters were gathered for an announcement by a film auteur- in his own mind, that is. Real reporters were outnumbered by entertainment reporters, who are bereft of brains and too given to applaud anything. 

This reporter was among them, primarily as his editor loves sending him to these things for the sarcastic value (editor: the readers love it too). And so it was that this reporter found himself in an auditorium, waiting on the latest announcement from the dreadful director, Michael Bay.

A spokeswoman came out on stage, where a podium had been set up with a full length mirror alongside it. "Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the greatest filmmaker of our generation, Michael Baaaaaaaaayyyyy!" 

The applause was rapturous from the entertainment reporters. Real reporters rolled their eyes, sighed in dismay and shook their heads, wondering when the nonsense would wrap up (editor: and it is nonsense). Bay came out on stage, waving and grinning like the idiot he is, looking as you'd expect- the days of stubble, the dishevelled hair, the casual clothing. He walked up to the podium, winked and smiled at his reflection, and began to speak.

"Hello! It's wonderful to see you. I love all of you, as much as you love me." (editor: he hates himself, huh?) Bay nodded. "You know, I'm a busy man. Always have projects on the go, things that I'm planning on making in my quest to win Oscars. I don't know why I haven't won one yet. But that's not important. What is important is I'm a busy man. You know me. I'm a guy who loves explosions. And Aerosmith songs and hot babes waxing cars. And explosions. So I've been thinking. What kind of movie do I want to make next? And how many explosions can I get away with in it?"

Bay smiled and nodded again. "I've been thinking about disaster movies. Disasters are always in the news. But what's one kind of disaster that I haven't covered in a film? Then it hit me. Like a puck to the head. The Toronto Maple Leafs."

This caused a stir. The Canadian hockey team is well known for choking when it counts and breaking the hearts of their devoted and deranged fan base every year. Yes, that qualifies as a disaster. But what would that have to do with the usual Bay style of explosions in a film (editor: good question).

Bay carried on. "I remembered some years ago some die hard Leafs fans decided to kidnap the Stanley Cup and hold it for ransom, wanting the Leafs to be designated the champions. Or something like that. Anyway, it gave me an idea for a Michael Bay blockbuster spectacular. Take that as a starting point, but instead of it being fans stealing the Cup, make it a mad bomber who's also a Maple Leafs fan threatening to blow up the city if his Leafs don't win the Cup. Is that an idea or is that an idea?"

The entertainment reporters broke out into applause. The real reporters sighed (editor: me too). Bay grinned like the jackass that he is, basking in the applause and oblivious to the contempt from reporters with a working brain. "You've got to be kidding," this reporter stated (editor: I wish).

"Why do people say that to me?" Bay asked with a shrug. "That doesn't matter. What matters is my cast. And they love attention just as much as me. Now I'm going to be enlisting NHL players to essentially be playing themselves in this thing, because it's too hard to get actors to look like professional hockey players. But that's okay, because the players aren't the main characters. And this way, it's as close as the real Maple Leafs are going to get to the Cup anytime soon. But they'll be there, on the ice and in the thick of the action. But the story is about the bomber. And the heroic cop who's coming to save the day. But can he? Ladies and gentlemen, without further do, playing the mad bomber in this film, one of my favourite actors and one of yours.... Mr. Shia LaBeouf!" 

LaBeouf came out on stage, smiling like an idiot as usual, and waved. "Hello there! It is nice to see you! Shia is pleased that you have come to see Shia!" This reporter sighed again (editor: he's still doing the talking in the third person thing?). LaBeouf came over to join Bay.

Bay carried on. "And playing the heroic veteran cop, member of the bomb squad about to retire, my guy, Nicolas Caaaaaagggge!"

At this point Nicolas Cage staggered out, carrying a bottle of half-empty Scotch, looking the worse for wear, which is saying something. He waved to the crowd, smiling and grinning (editor: how drunk was he?). "Hey there!"

Bay grinned. "And lastly, playing an unusual role for her, but one of my favourite actresses around. She's the hostage negotiator working for the police and racing against time. Give it up for Megan Fox!!!!"

Fox came out on stage, bowing and showing off her assets, so to speak. She joined Bay, Cage, and LaBeouf. "Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Sudden Death, a hockey action thriller coming soon to a theatre near you. Thanks for coming out!"

With that, the group left the stage to rapturous applause from the entertainment reporters, ignoring the eye rolls from the real reporters (editor: how dumb are they?). This reporter departed, wondering how long the film would take to make, given Bay's huge backlog of projects, and how many Leafs would be traded away in the duration.

The last word belongs to the beleaguered fans of the team itself. Leafs Nation, as they are sometimes known, continue to be devoted to their guys, no matter how many times their hearts are shattered. "You know what, it's an honour," one fan told reporters in Toronto. "I mean, I'm one of the guys who actually held the Cup for ransom back a few years ago, and ****, yeah, I'm still kind of on probation because of it. But me and Harry and Jack, we did it all for a good cause. And to find out now that they're kind of sort of honouring our plot, well, with some Hollywood extras, because we weren't threatening to bomb anyone.... anyway, it's ****in' great, eh? Anyway, all I want to say is... Go Leafs go!!!" (editor: god help us all) 

The Place Where Dreams Go To Die

Leafs Nation In Collective Mourning; Rest Of World Shrugs And Moves On

Toronto (CP) It's been a few days since the Boston Bruins beat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Round One of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, sending the Leafs packing early yet again. A game 7 finale which went to overtime saw the Cup drought in Toronto extend now to 57 years. There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth, questions being asked, blame being laid in Leafs Nation. Bars are doing a brisk business soothing the pain of the fans. Leafs management and players are wondering who among them will take the fall this time.

The game in Boston saw the Bruins win in overtime and advance to the next round. Thousands of fans gathered in Maple Leaf Square in Toronto watched and had their hearts dashed to pieces yet again as their Leafs blew it. Again. Generations of fans saying, 'next year' will continue unabated, though perhaps a few might take the hint and realize that next year will never come. Their team is cursed, and the curse is not getting lifted anytime soon.

"For lack of a better term, it's a collective delusion," sports psychologist Warren Alliston told this reporter. "People conditioned for decades, by their parents and grandparents, into believing that this year could be their year. That the Leafs would rise to the occasion. Instead of dealing with reality, which is that the Leafs suck."

When asked if that was a professional opinion, Alliston shrugged. "Not at all. I'm an Edmonton fan."

Wreaths have been placed around Maple Leaf Square, along with hats, t-shirts, and even jerseys in a state of mourning. People in familiar blue and white attire have been seen crying and holding each other for support in the downtown streets near the arena. Some of the more bitter have been seen burning a  Leafs jersey and vowing that they've had enough- though in fact they did the same last year, and will be replacing that jersey over the summer and giving their boys one more chance.

Head coach Sheldon Keefe was fired in recent days, part of the fallout of yet another broken season. "These things happen," he told reporters with a dismayed shrug afterwards. "It's part of the game. Nobody lasts forever in one team. I'll move on, do other things.... say, is anyone hiring?"

Team president Brendan Shanahan, who's been part of the Leafs for a decade with little to show for it, is under pressure from Leafs Nation to do something. "I know it's hard for the fans to have hope, but things will get better," Shanahan told reporters after the Keefe firing. "We're going to get the guys out on the ice next year and they'll play better and everything will be just as you dreamed of all those years when this team was floundering. I promise."

The fact that he's been saying pretty much the same thing in post-season press conferences for years is another matter entirely.

"We're doing great business," bar owner Ted Davis said from his downtown watering hole, The Penalty Shot. "Yeah, folks are feeling down about the guys losing like that, but that's what alcohol is for. It soothes the pain you're feeling in your heart and tells you that everything is going to get better. It's the best thing for you."

"Are you taking money from the liquor companies for saying that?" this reporter inquired.

"How did you know that?" Davis asked, heading back inside to feed the misery of a horde of Leafs fans.

"It's not fair!" one fan told this reporter afterwards, in the company of two friends. "That Cup belongs to us! It belongs to our boys! And we keep getting robbed of it. There's this great big ****in' conspiracy to keep the Stanley Cup out of the hands of the Leafs. And that ****er Bettman is right at the heart of it. He ****in' hates Toronto. Me and Harry and Jack, we're the biggest fans of the Leafs. Ever. And it breaks our hearts every year seein' this happen. Again and again and again. Our boys deserve this win. They deserve it! Am I right, boys?"

Harry and Jack nodded. This reporter inquired if they had considered that it might be time to give up on the team. "**** that! And what, root for the Jets?" 

It seems there is no reasoning with Leafs Nation. The grieving process continues. Some have channeled their pain in healthier ways and have moved on to root for the Blue Jays, since their season is just getting underway. But the pain for many continues to be drowned by alcohol, and punctuated by denial and bargaining. They continue to feed themselves the lie- that next year will be a better year, that all of this will be forgotten. And come October, they'll be back, crowding the Scotiabank Arena, earning their reputation as the most hated fans in the NHL all over again.

The last word goes to a man who seems to be the very definition of a Canadian. A legendary Mountie who's among the most formidable, dangerous, and grumpy people walking the earth today. RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich was found by reporters at his detachment in the foothills of the Rockies in Alberta. The Inspector, whose low opinion of entertainment reporters is well known, was reassured that they were well aware that he was not the other Lars Ulrich. This seemed to lighten his mood. He was asked how he felt about the entire matter.

"I find it amusing. I'm an Oilers fan myself," Ulrich admitted. "And watching a bunch of Leafs fans tie themselves into knots of agony every year... well, it's hilarious."  

"Lars! Lars!" a voice called out from the back of the crowd. Reporters turned and saw a fresh faced entertainment reporter coming along, followed by a camera. "Lars, good to see you. Brad Bradley, Entertainment Tonight. What everyone wants to know, Lars, is why Metallica didn't attend the Met Gala. Any comment on that?"

The real reporters backed off to give the Inspector plenty of room. Ulrich glared at Bradley. "I am not that Lars Ulrich."

Bradley laughed. "Oh, such a kidder, Lars!"

What followed next was one left hook from the Inspector that sent Bradley flying forty meters. Ulrich was already pursuing him before Bradley even hit the ground. Bradley got up, with the Inspector hot on his heels in what became an epic chase all the way to Cemetery River. It ended with Bradley in a body cast in hospital, groaning incomprehensibly. 

This is what happens when you insult the world's grouchiest lawman.

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes... and the Toronto Maple Leafs screwing up when it really counts. The NHL playoffs are coming, and the Leafs are middle of the pack in their division. Despite over half a century of experience in failure, Leafs Nation continues to hope and dream, no matter how many times their hearts get stomped on. It's been awhile since I've featured the point of view of this rabid Leafs fan, but it was overdue.

10:38 AM. At work. Bidin' my time til I'm outta here for the day. Big game tonight. Florida is in town, and we gotta pick up some wins. Season's nearly done.

12:05 PM. Shootin' the breeze with the guys around the coffee maker about how great it's gonna be when our boys finally win the Cup and victory's in hand. It'll be great, boys. We been screwed over for way too ****in' long.

3:37 PM. Out of here for the day. It's about time, I hate havin' to rush on a game day, and the Leafs are what I live for. 

Leafs Nation, baby!

4:12 PM. Gettin' home. Okay, gotta get set. Get in the frame of mind to cheer for our boys as they demolish the Panthers tonight. 

4:23 PM. Hockey jersey on, watchin' and listenin' to my guy Don Cherry talkin' on one of the Rock 'em Sock 'em videos. Biggest mistake they ever made was takin' him off the air. Man's a ****in' genius. 

No pain, boys, no pain! Let's tear 'em apart tonight, you hear me???

5:31 PM. Harry and Jack turn up at the door. Hey, boys! Excited for the big game or what?

5:45 PM. Me and Jack and Harry talk it over with some brewskis. Yeah, the season hasn't quite been goin' the way we want it, but that's okay. Because we're gonna come back big time in the playoffs and beat the livin' crap outta everyone, and we're gonna take the Cup. Because it belongs to us.

Go Leafs go!!!!

6:10 PM. Headin' out and grabbin' a cab to go down to see the game. Big night tonight, boys.

6:35 PM. Turnin' up at Maple Leaf Square. 'Cause it's an away game. But Leafs Nation... they're all here tonight, baby! They can feel that the boys are gonna win big time. 

7:02 PM. Talkin' it over with Harry and Jack and all the other Leafs fans while the game's bein' shown on the big screens around the square.

Go Leafs go!!!! Am I right, boys?

7:05 PM. Time for the anthem. O, Maple Leafs, the true north strong and Leaf!

7:07 PM. Puck's gettin' dropped, here we go.....

Go Leafs go!!!!!

7:10 PM. How the **** is Florida three goals ahead of us?

7:51 PM. Our boys are down seventeen to zero. This is ****in' humiliatin'. The only way it could be ****in' worse is if it was Montreal doin' this to us. Or Boston. Or Ottawa.

8:17 PM. C'mon, Woll! You've let twenty five goals in tonight! Are you ****in' blind????

Defense, boys, defense!!!!

8:45 PM. We're in the third. The boys haven't scored once tonight. Meanwhile the Panthers have kept putting the puck in our net over and over again.

Thirty two to zero. 

Boys? This is intolerable.

9:20 PM. Game over, we're done. Thirty five to zero for Florida. Our boys look dejected skatin' off the ice.

Boys? Let's get outta here.

9:35 PM. Me and Harry and Jack get to our favourite bar. Everyone looks as down as we do.

Lou! Let's get some beers here! Anything to make the pain go away, know what I mean?

10:05 PM. The boys and me are gettin' good and wasted, wonderin' where it all went wrong. Does God hate us? Is there a voodoo curse out there somewhere? Why can't we just be happy?

11:48 PM. Pretty much in the bag by now. But me and Harry and Jack are agreed. The boys are gonna come back big next game. And they're gonna make us all forget nights like this. Because they're the best. And nobody nowhere can say different.

Okay, boys, we gotta get outta here. Work again tomorrow.

12:02 AM. Me and Harry and Jack go our separate ways. Them off to their places, me to mine. Hey, cabbie, get me home fast. I might have to throw up.

12:35 AM. Collapsin' into bed. Gonna have a massive ****in' hangover tomorrow, lemme tell you.

But it's worth it. Because Leafs Nation will live and die true blue, baby....