Michael Bay And His Explosive Football

Deranged Self Absorbed Director Threatens to Helm Beloved Children’s Film Adaptation

Los Angeles (AP) There are no sacred cows in Hollywood, it seems. Reporters were summoned to the offices of Digital Domain this week for an announcement by director Michael Bay, whose obnoxious, loud films have been a pestilence for years in movie theatres, including Pearl Harbor, The Rock, and the Transformers series. The director, who never heard of a movie explosion he didn’t like, and who finds himself the most fascinating human being on the planet, has been taking on a swirl of projects, convinced that each one is going to get him Oscars. This reporter was one of a number of real reporters sent in to mingle with fake reporters (otherwise known as entertainment reporters) to hear the announcement. This reporter remains in editor dictated hell for months on end simply because his editor despises everything about him (editor: you laughed at my mother-in-law’s funeral. I never forget, and I never forgive).

At any rate, despite the callous disregard of the editor who should have been relieved to see his mother-in-law battleaxe shuffle off her mortal coil (editor: hey! Watch your mouth!), this reporter knew he’d be stuck with this purgatory of an assignment. On a side note: yes, your mother-in-law was a battleaxe. Now then, we return to the subject at hand. This reporter and a number of actual reporters were subjected to the presence of vacant headed buffoons calling themselves entertainment reporters in the auditorium. Those of us who were real reporters speculated on how many times Bay would look in the mirror, already set up by the podium. Finally a staffer came out, called everyone to order, and announced the arrival of her boss.

Bay came out on stage, waved and grinned in his usual halfwitted way, and stopped by the podium, gazing at himself in the full length mirror and winking. This reporter expected that deep down, Michael Bay was deeply in love with Michael Bay. He was dressed as usual- jeans, blazer, and a denim shirt unbuttoned at the neck. And he had the customary slightly dishevelled hair and three days of stubble. “Hello, everyone!” he called out as he looked over the crowd of reporters, stealing one last glance at himself in the mirror. “It is delightful to see you all here today! Just as much of a delight as it must be for you to be here and hear my announcement. Am I right or am I right?”

The real reporters remained silent. Entertainment reporters applauded. Bay seemed to only notice the latter. He smiled again in that customary halfwitted way of his, oblivious to reality. “You know, I’m a busy man. I always have lots of things on the go, big projects in the wings, and I can never stop taking on a new challenge. That’s what I’m here today to tell you, about my next big challenge.”

“Are you going to take a vow of silence and stop making films?” this reporter asked.

“No! Of course not!” Bay said, totally oblivious to this reporter’s tone. “Oh, you’re such a kidder! Why would I walk away from the world of film? The movie world needs me, after all. What would they do without me? Who else is as good as I am in blowing things up during every film? Nobody! Now then, what I’m here today to tell you about is a new film concept. Something that will blow you away and have you wanting to see right now. A film that is bigger and grander and more explosive than you can imagine.” This reporter wondered if he could get assigned to something less obnoxious. Like the Rachel Dolezal story.

Nonetheless, the ordeal continued. Bay kept prattling on, obviously in love with the sound of his own voice. “You know, there’s a beloved institution out there, a comic strip that we’ve all known and grown up with. I can tell you that yes, I know there’s a movie in the works already about them, but my take is going to be different. For one thing, it’ll be live action, not animated. And for another, it’s going to take the characters and make them adults. Something we would have never seen in the original series, because, hey, let’s face it, comic strip characters generally do not get older. Except for Doonesbury. And that one’s just a little too dry to adapt for a movie. Though I could make something of that Jeff Redfern is the Red Rascal ongoing plotline.” This reporter sighed, imagining just how much of a mess Bay could make of that.

Bay smiled, gazed at himself in the mirror once again, smiled some more, and then turned his gaze back on his audience. “Where was I? Oh, yes. My film. Right. Ladies and gentlemen, my next big project, once I’m done with the other multitude of other projects I’m working on, yes, folks, the one you’ve all been waiting for...” This reporter glanced at his watch, wondering how long the buildup would take. Three minutes and lots of hype words later, Bay finally finished by saying, “I’m adapting Peanuts for the big screen! Yeahhhhh!!!!”

There was an audible gasp from many of the reporters. The beloved comic strip by the late Charles Schulz has been part of our lives for decades, featuring the lives of children written with depth and one beagle with an astounding imagination. There is an animated film in the works, but the idea of Michael Bay desecrating the characters in any way seems to be nightmarish.

“Did you just say....?” a Reuters correspondent started.

“Yes!” Bay said gleefully. “But not Peanuts as it is. I mean, for one thing, there’s no way a studio insurance underwriter would let a guy like me make a film with kids- too many explosions, too much risk. So the concept of my film is to take these characters we all know and bring them up into young adulthood and see where they are now. With lots of explosions.”

Bay glanced at his reflection in the mirror again and smiled. “So our central figure, of course must be Charlie Brown. Where is he at this point in his life? Well, he’s grown up to be a pretty good guy. He gave up his baseball dreams, and when he did that, his infamous bad luck finally went away. Charlie got over that childhood bout of cancer and finally grew a decent head of hair. He’s an Army officer, and a bomb disposal expert, so you just know that in a film I’m making that will come in handy.” Reporters gasped and rolled their eyes. “He’s even happily married. No, not to that Little Red Haired Girl we never saw. Instead he got married to Violet, who for whatever reason didn’t get used that much as time went on.”

This reporter wondered, not for the last time before this press conference would end, if Charles Schulz would be rolling over in his grave. Oblivious to all thoughts of reporters, Bay prattled on. “His friend Schroeder is a world famous concert pianist, just as you’d expect, and Schroeder’s a big part of the plot. His other friend Linus is a theology graduate student who tends to smoke weed and has some strange ideas on divinity and the Great Pumpkin. Sally Brown is an award winning playwright about to debut her new musical My Sweet Baboo on Broadway. Pig-Pen has taken his talent for attracting dirt and put it to good use as a Navy SEAL. Franklin’s a hip-hop artist and my token African-American character, because in a Michael Bay film, you always have to have one of those. Snoopy, admittedly, is where I need to suspend disbelief for a bit, because who’d believe a dog would live in excess of twenty extra years? Snoopy’s still around, still picking fights with the Red Baron and leading his Beagle Scouts and writing books that get rejected by publishers and still thinking of Charlie Brown as that round headed kid. And Peppermint Patty and Marcie have finally come out of the closet and are getting married.”

This reporter sighed with dismay, wondering if his grouchy editor would ever stop being annoyed with him (editor: note to you: I never will, you prat!). Bay was still carrying on with his grandiose announcement. “And rounding out the main characters is the key antagonist. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only... Lucy van Pelt. She who was crabby and grouchy and obsessed with Schroeder as a child has not improved. In fact, she’s become a supervillain, kidnapping Schroeder for her own lustful purposes, and threatening the world with stolen nukes. Which, of course, happens to be the disarming speciality of our hero, Charlie Brown. The big confrontation between two old adversaries, because let’s face it, Charlie and Lucy hated each other. The stakes are much bigger though than a football being pulled away at the last minute. Which reminds me, the title of my blockbuster is Kick The Football, Charlie Brown.”

A collective sigh of dismay rose up from the real reporters. Bay still smiled gleefully. “And now, bringing out my cast, starting with our lead actor....”

“Let me guess, Shia LaBeouf?” this reporter asked.

“No, but he is in the cast,” Bay replied. “No, ladies and gentlemen, playing Charlie Brown with the gravity and dignity that the character so richly deserves, an actor I haven’t worked with before, Mr. Channing Tatum!”

Tatum came out on stage, waving at the crowd, his expression being his usual dimwitted hit in the head by the football too many times look. “Hello there!” he called out. “It’s wonderful to play this timeless character in such a fresh and new way. You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to learn that sentence.”

Bay kept speaking. “And playing his wife, a newcomer to my films, but you’ve seen her in lots of films before. Ladies and gentlemen, playing Violet Gray-Brown... hey, those are three colours! Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Emma Stone!”

The actress stepped out on stage, looking awkward. “Look, don’t hold this against me, I was signing lots of documents and it turns out one of them was a one movie deal with this hack,” she said, glaring at Bay, who laughed.

“Such a kidder!” Bay chuckled.

“Yes, well, whatever, and now you’ve got me shackled with this halfwit.” Stone added, looking at Tatum. “And considering I’ve worked with Michael Cera, I know a lot about halfwits.” The entertainment reporters collectively gasped and started tweeting up a storm. This reporter could already see next week’s tabloid headlines: Washed Up Has Been Actor Skewered By A-List Actress. Entertainment reporters are scum, after all, and this reporter wondered why his cranky editor couldn’t work for one of those outlets (editor: for your next assignment I’m having you tossed into shark infested waters without a shark cage).

Bay seemed oblivious. “And now, playing Linus van Pelt, give a big hand and lots of love to one of my favourite actors, Mr. Shia LaBeouf!”

LaBeouf stepped out on stage, waving and grinning like an idiot. “Shia is so pleased to see you!” the waste of oxygen called out, still in that talking about himself in the third person phase. “Shia is a busy actor! Shia is glad for that, so when Spielberg comes and begs Shia to star in a Mutt Williams movie, Shia can give him the finger!”

LaBeouf joined the other actors. Bay continued his announcement of the cast. “I quite often cast this next actress alongside Shia in other films as a romantic interest. Well, not this time. This time Megan Fox is in my cast, playing a character pivotal to the entire film. She’s got the gravity, depth, personality, intelligence, and fortitude as an actress to play this role. Ladies and gentlemen, give a big hand for Megan, who’s been cast as my antagonist, Lucy van Pelt!”

Fox stepped out on stage, waving and smiling in her usual vacant looking way, dressed in her customary much too tight clothing, ample cleavage on display. “Hi! It’s so wonderful to play one of the most iconic characters of all time! I’m going to have lots of fun being the bad girl!”

Bay smiled. “Now then, I do have someone who’ll be voicing the inner thoughts of Snoopy. Someone I thought would be perfect for the part. He can’t be here today- he’s caught up in television show work at the moment- but he’ll be ready to go when the time comes, and his performance will be the stuff of legend. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve chosen Seth McFarlane for that role!” There was silence from the reporters. The real reporters were appalled at such a choice. The entertainment reporters were, as usual, confused in the deepest of ways.

Bay seemed to ignore all that. “I’ve got one more cast member to bring out. I’m still in the process of casting more parts, but I couldn’t ignore this guy. Playing the President of the United States in this tense hair raising thriller... Mr. Nicolas Cage!”

Cage came out on the stage, stumbling and grinning in a dazed way, singing in a slurred way, his hairpiece even stranger than usual. “Hail to the Chief, he’s the one we all say hail to, we all say hail ‘cause he keeps himself so clean! He’s got the power, that’s why he’s in the shower...”

This reporter sighed with dismay. Now Nicolas Cage was ripping off Kevin Kline’s performance in Dave. A glance at the watch was in order, and this reporter found himself wondering how many more years he’d be in editorial purgatory at the hands of an overlord editor with no sense of... (editor: purgatory? You’re in editorial hell!)

Regardless of the overlord editor’s annoying habit of continuing to be an irritating prat (editor: hey! Shut up!), this reporter remained doomed to covering such idiocy. Bay was beaming as he spoke. “Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Kick The Football, Charlie Brown! It’s going to be big! It’s going to be bold! It’s going to be epic! With lots of explosions and barely dressed girls waxing cars and explosions and Aerosmith doing a theme song! Yeah!!!!”

With that, they were off the stage, leaving the reporters and entertainment reporters in their wake. The latter were busy talking about how Emma Stone had skewered Channing Tatum and Michael Cera, while gushing about how epic a movie this would be. Those of us real reporters condemned for one reason or another to cover this nonsense expressed our dismay at the fact that someone as irritating as Michael Bay would have the chance to desecrate Peanuts. This reporter could sum it all up in two words: good grief.

It’s too bad there isn’t a Great Pumpkin. He could stomp all over Michael Bay, and do the same to my cranky editor (editor: you are dead to me. Dead! You hear me? I’m going scorched earth on you until the day I retire).

Like I said: too bad.

The Patented Parker Guilt Complex

Some links to see to before we get started. Yesterday was a Snippet Sunday, so Norma had a post at her page, and we had a joint blog for it as well. Late last week, Mark unveiled the cover for a new book, The No-Campfire Girls, and also has the book on Amazon as an ebook and in printed format. Check out those links for details. And have a peek at what Eve had to say about the aftermath of April writing challenges.

Now then, time for a movie review....

"You wanted to be the hero. Now you gotta pay the price." ~ Max Dillon

After a brief interlude set in the past, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 starts off with a bang, featuring our hero Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) chasing down a Russian named Aleksei (Paul Giamatti) involved in a heist. He happens to save the life of an engineer at OsCorp, Max Dillon (Jamie Foxx), while bringing down his quarry. Peter's been at the hero game for awhile, working as a photographer, dealing with a relationship with Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone), and feeling guilty over the death of her father (Denis Leary), what with the police captain showing up in visions warning him to stay away from Gwen.

As is usually the case in these matters, fate steps in as a childhood friend, Harry Osborn (Dane DeHaan) returns to Manhattan to visit his dying father Norman (Chris Cooper). With the passing of the old man, Harry takes on the mantle of the company and quickly starts showing us an unpleasant side (it's an Osborn thing). Max, meanwhile, goes from socially awkward to something else entirely in an accident involving electric eels and ends up a powerhouse generating his own electricity. Thus sets the stage for Peter to swing into action, with lives at stake, more than one villain to tangle with, and his very blood being sought after. So, another day in the life of Peter Parker.

Director Marc Webb returns from the first film, bringing along a committee of four writers for the story, which at times feels like it's setting up the stage for the next movie (this happens, of course, when you're dealing with a franchise). Nonetheless, they turn back to the comics for inspiration, and that's a good source. Perhaps even more than Peter's driving motto "with great power comes great responsibility" is the character's sense of guilt. It starts with the death of his uncle, a death he could have prevented, the motivating factor for the rest of his life. The writers play that out in how Peter relates to his aunt May (Sally Field), and in the guilt he feels over the death of Captain Stacy, whose apparition lingers about like the ghost of Hamlet's father. They also take the dynamics of Peter's relationship with Gwen, and the friendship with Harry, from the comics, moving things in different directions. It's a bit convoluted at times- and I say that as a comics fan. The better moments of the film are not those sweeping special effect sequences, but the personal and the human. 

The special effects crews do well with their work. Where physical filming leaves off, they seamlessly weave in CGI as needed, and the combined effect does well, as it did in the first film, of giving us a wall crawler swinging his way through the streets of New York. More importantly, the way the new villains are rendered works. The primary villain in all of this is Electro, looking different from his comic book origins. The way he uses electricity is dynamic, and the special effects team render that well, giving him a look that's spooky. The crew also do much the same for the encore appearance of Aleksei, sporting a techno-armour that might make Iron Man think twice. Where the appearance of the Rhino in the comics just wouldn't work in the movies, rendering the character operating essentially a lumbering tank is a more inspired choice. And we get a Green Goblin out of the mix, with a character design that's more fitting and deranged than the two Goblins of the Sam Raimi trilogy. 

The cast is well suited to their roles. Sally Field returns as Aunt May, still younger than the ancient crone in the comics (letters of outrage can be sent to my idiot ex-brother-in-law). She's in mourning of course, and worries about her nephew, continuing to play the role with understated strength, wisdom, and patience. Cooper, one of my favourite actors, is a surprise in only making a brief appearance as Norman Osborn. Instead of playing the role as flat out crazy as Willem Dafoe did in the first Raimi film, he goes for reserved as a dying man, while hiding many secrets that will come out as time goes along. Colm Feore turns up as well. He's one of those character actors you've seen in countless films and series, and he plays an OsCorp executive here, with the gravity you'd expect from the actor. Marton Csokas, another character actor who appeared in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, turns up playing a director of a high-security mental hospital. 

The trio of villains bring different strengths to their roles. Paul Giamatti is a terrific character actor whose turn here is brief, but book ends the start and end of the film. When we first meet him as Aleksei, he's a temper tantrum having a bad day when a heist goes wrong, something that we might expect out of the character as we know him from the comics. Giamatti can certainly convey anger and rage, and he does that in spades here, and at the end of the film when we see him in armour as an unexpected Rhino. DeHaan was new to me in this film. He plays Harry Osborn in different ways, which fits the character's history. There's a tormented side to him with a difficult history with his father. He seems most like himself when he meets Peter again and they're just relating to each other as friends. But he takes a different path, and DeHaan must convey his descent into darkness in a way that makes sense. He does so, and I'd like to see more out of him. Foxx is perhaps the biggest surprise among the new players. This is an actor who has hits and misses in his resume, but when he's good, he's very good. Performances in Ray or The Kingdom have established his credentials and his range. He starts out Max as a social misfit- smart enough to be an engineer, but oblivious and awkward in other ways. The accident that transforms him also unhinges him, and Foxx conveys that aspect well. The comics version of Electro has always been a formidable enemy, one that Peter had to use his mind to bring down. Foxx takes the character in some different directions, but brings across just how dangerous Electro can be in his performance.

The two leads are still in fine form as they were in the first film. Emma Stone plays Gwen they way the story writes her- smart, confident, assured. She's a young woman with her future ahead of her, who knows what she wants out of life, and can be resourceful and ingenious at times. And she also brings across the playful, caring side of the character. Her chemistry with Garfield feels real. Andrew Garfield continues to play the character of Peter as something of an outsider with a rebellious streak, a wise cracker who uses the sarcasm as a kind of mask. He tries to find balance in life between the thrills that his powers allow, and the responsibility that those powers have placed upon him. He copes with guilt over the past, struggles to find answers to questions he has about himself and others, 

The film is, of course, a summer popcorn movie of thrills that tend to leave the viewer dizzy at times (don't see this in 3D). There are casual references for the comics reader that hint at yet other future villains and characters, and at times it does feel like the filmmakers are offering up the staging ground for the next big film (they have announced sequels, and a spinoff featuring the villains). Its strongest moments lie in character dynamics and not the roller coaster of the action film, but it still entertains and thrills the audience. 

Though I'm still missing J. Jonah Jameson.

Along Came A Spider

It's a movie review again today, but first things first. Before getting to today's business, let me direct your attention over to Lyn Fuch's blog Sacred Ground, where I've done a blog about Mount Everest. Give it a read and let me know what you think.

And now to today's mischief...

"With great power comes great responsibility. And emotional angst. And years of questioning your own decisions. And occasionally calling the whole superhero thing quits, only to reconsider that decision. Did I mention the angst?" ~ Peter Parker

Well, a decade after the last Spider-Man trilogy of films by Sam Raimi began, and five years after the last of those films, along comes The Amazing Spider-Man, a reboot of the film franchise returning Peter Parker to the beginning again with a new cast, a new director, and all in 3D if you're not careful which screening you're walking into (don't go into the 3D screening, okay? Well, don't blame me if your stomach does that whole spinning in circles thing; I did warn you). It seems obvious that I'd go see this film, particularly because I'm a fan of the character. Before I get started though, I'd just like to get one thing out of the way.

I want to track down the imbecile who coined the term reboot. I want them dead. Sleeping with the fish. Rubbed out, knocked off, encased in cement, congressionally investigated. Same goes for their family, their friends, their acquaintances. Their pets can go in peace; we can't hold the idiocy of humans against the pets, but seriously... I really, really, really, really hate the word reboot. Hate, hate, hate it. Did I mention I hate it?

Okay. Got that out of my system. Shall we begin?

Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker

The film by director Marc Webb retells the origin story of Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield), an outsider in high school. His parents leave him with his aunt May and Uncle Ben (Sally Field and Martin Sheen), vanishing when he's a child. He's a smart kid, trying to live up to the example of his aunt and uncle, who are, after all, inherently decent people (though younger than I'd picture the characters, in fact). Peter winds up at OsCorp labs one day, where his life is altered forever by the bite of a certain spider, which of course infects him and grants him the powers he'll soon be known by. He also crosses paths with Doctor Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans), a scientist working for the unseen Norman Osborn (a big bad in the comics universe who's otherwise known on a bad day as the Green Goblin). Osborn, it seems, is dying, and Connors (seen in the Raimi trilogy as one of Peter's professors, and played by Dylan Baker) is working on a cure.

Rhys Ifans as Curt Connors

Peter gets used to his powers, making a mistake that inadvertantly leads to the death of his uncle, which as any comics fan will tell you becomes the central motivating factor for the rest of his life. He becomes Spider-Man as atonement, becoming involved with a classmate, Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone), meeting her father George, a police captain (Denis Leary). Connors meanwhile makes himself a test subject in his own work, and as usually happens in these things, it goes wrong. He becomes a human-reptilian hybrid monster otherwise known as the Lizard (one of the other big bads in the comics universe) and starts wrecking havoc. Out of this, of course, two opposing forces must collide.

Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy

Denis Leary as Captain Stacy

The new film works fairly well. Webb, whose previous work is really based on a character drama, 500 Days of Summer does his best work in terms of character dynamics in the film. Fortunately that's where the emphasis of the film is, and special effects are secondary. The action sequences and set pieces are hampered slightly- but only because we're reminded of the Raimi films. The CGI work from the first of those films was underdeveloped, so we were never really convinced that this was more than a CGI Spidey swinging through the streets at times- when the high wire work wasn't practical, that is- but that was rectified in time for the second film, which was the best of the trilogy, and featured the best action sequences. Comparing that one to this film, the action sequences here don't match up in quality, but it's a minor quibble. The CGI looks believable, which is required in a film like this, and the high wire style of work that Garfield takes part in blends in well with the CGI aspects. The look of Spidey is favourable; the costume is slightly modified from the Raimi films, which tend to be even closer to the comics version, but the modifications are small ones. And it's a wise decision that Peter designs artificial webshooters, a long time comics standard that was ignored in the Raimi trilogy in favour of organic webbing.

Now to the cast. Garfield has more of a wisecracking sensibility about him than Tobey Maguire's take on the character in the previous films. He looks young enough to pass for the character (though they'd better move him up to college next time out). He plays the character properly, I think, someone on an emotional arc that revolves around the sense of responsibility that's so integral to the role. And he really looks the part. Emma Stone is a good Gwen Stacy, and it was right to go with this character instead. She's not the girl next door, but she's very appealing, and the two actors inhabit the roles well.

Denis Leary dials down the usual snark (though I like the snark) for George Stacy, the policeman who's wary of the webbed vigilante. Ifans makes a decent villain; he's been known more for comedy, but he's not as good as Alfred Molina's Doctor Octopus, who was far and away the best villain of the Raimi films. And from the CGI side of things, I thought the look for the Lizard was, well, a bit off. And Sally Field and Martin Sheen convey the decency of the roles, the two guiding forces in Peter's life, with the grace and warmth you'd expect of these two characters.

The Lizard

One big missing part of the film: no J. Jonah Jameson. In the Raimi films, J.K. Simmons played the part of the newspaper publisher and rabid loather of Spider-Man to absolute perfection. Peter in fact isn't working at a newspaper in this film, a situation I hope gets rectified in the sequel. I really, really missed the motormouth of Jolly Jonah, and it seems to me that Spider-Man needs this particular loudmouthed nemesis to bicker with. Just as much as the reverse is true.

And so the new series of films has been released. Barring the possibility of the whole thing tanking and going the way of the Green Lantern franchise, there will be sequels. The leads have a good chemistry together in this one, the screenwriters give us a story that's focused on character over roller coasters, and the director runs with it. If Webb returns for the sequel, he can polish up his pacing on the action sequences a bit, but he's done well this time out. I look forward to what's to come.