Ballad Of The Double Sherlocks

I have an image blog today. Enjoy!

Tedious Drivel Masquerading As A Game

It's the Super Bowl weekend. I would much rather crawl naked through a mile of broken glass chased by hyenas and flying monkeys than watch this nonsense (I mean honestly, what is it about football that seems to entrance Americans? It's mind-numbingly boring!), but it's fun to make fun of it.

Super Bowl Returns; Fans Salivating At Chance For Team Glory; Everyone Else Bored

Houston (AP) Super Bowl fever has hit this Texas city as the game lands here for the third time. NRG Stadium, named after an energy company as part of that ongoing wave of tackiness called naming rights, hosts the game, which promises to have hours and hours and hours of pointless and boring play passing itself off as a sport, interrupted by an over the top halftime show, pricy commercials, endless spectacle and hype, and hopefully something that spoils the entire night and ends up with egg on the face of the NFL (editor: stop turning this into an excuse to vent about football!)

This reporter, doomed and damned to cover nonsense he dislikes simply because his cranky editor despises him (editor: hey! Shut up!) is on the ground in Houston, having had spent the days leading up to the Super Bowl in a tedious daze of listening to and watching fans of the New England Patriots and Atlanta Falcons spew support for their teams and get into drinking contests. And this reporter, who finds the sport a boring waste of time, also spent last year condemned by the aforementioned irritable editor (editor: you bloody well know why I hate you! Oh, do I hate you!) to cover the annual endless yawnfest that is the championship of American professional football.

While we’re at it, why is it even called football? The ball only touches the foot of a couple of guys on the field- the rest of the time it’s thrown or carried around. I mean, honestly, the rest of the world at least gets it right- what’s called soccer here is properly football, even if it’s more boring than American style football (editor: hey! Stop knocking soccer! I love soccer!).

Regardless, this reporter, doomed by a cranky editor who hates him for some reason (editor: you are dead to me! You hear me? Dead! Dead dead dead!), has been in Houston in recent days covering the lead up to the game and wishing he was anywhere else. Like a beach in the Caribbean, sipping a margarita brought by a lovely waitress named Margarita... (editor: keep it up and your next assignment is going to be in the Sahara)

The game is the conclusion of a season of NFL games, which tend to be under twenty games total for a team and take place once, maybe twice in a week. I mean, come on! At least baseball and hockey players are out there most days and nights playing the game. These lazy asses can’t bring themselves to keep up that kind of schedule. The Patriots are favoured by most to win, led by Tom “Deflategate” Brady, the scandal ridden quarterback (editor: hey! Don’t insult Tom Brady! It was a frame up, I tell you! He’s a great guy! Total integrity all the way!). The Falcons are trying to win their first Super Bowl.

The game, billed as Super Bowl LI, once again returning to the Roman numerals for whatever reason, will no doubt draw many viewers. Some will come for the game, which will go on and on seemingly forever. Others will come for high priced commercials, most of which will have been leaked online early anyway, leaving a rational mind to wonder what the point is to paying steep prices for commercials (editor: hey! Shut up! They’re very entertaining!). And others will come for the entertainment, resenting the whole notion of having to put up with a game in between the national anthem, the half time show, and some post game fireworks. This reporter will resent having to be here altogether, and wonder if he can manage to get his rotten editor to retire early (editor: shut up! I said shut up! Stop insulting me!)

Brady himself has been the center of much attention from the press in recent days while he and his team were out on the field practicing. “Stop bringing up Deflategate!” he snapped at one point, clearly annoyed. “I’m innocent! Innocent, I tell you! Nothing happened, and if you keep asking about it, I’m gonna have my daddy beat the crap out of you. Oh, yeah, and Roger Goodell can go **** himself.”

Goodell, the NFL’s cranky commissioner, who spends his time trying to avoid any retired player with a concussion or brain damage problem, not to mention persistent allegations of rampant spousal abuse among NFL players, was relieved to hear the quote when reporters spoke with him. “Just between you and me, I hope Brady gets his ass kicked this time.  I despise that lying sack of ****. Hey, wait, did I say that out loud? Don’t quote me on that. You hear me? Don’t quote me on that.”

Die-hard fans at the game will attend pre-game tailgate parties in the hours leading up to the game. At home, fanatics will spend hours and hours on end in pre-game coverage and endless analysis from commentators and sports reporters. The game, scheduled to get underway at 6:30 PM, will start much later, no doubt. Country singer Luke Bryan, who this reporter has never heard of (editor: that’s because you have horrible taste in music!) will sing the national anthem. Hopefully not with a banjo. The game will go on, and on, and on some more. And that doesn’t even take in the half time show, which is scheduled to feature the return of Lady Gaga in yet another over the top spectacle.

As is the tradition in all halftime shows, this one will try to outdo the last one, which also featured the decidedly eccentric singer whose fandom will be off doing other things. Honestly, who picks these acts? One hardly thinks that the ideal Lady Gaga audience will be a bunch of drunken football loving hooligans screaming for the Patriots and Falcons to tear each other to shreds. Though this reporter might enjoy watching those fans tear each other to shreds.

The singer herself, who in person doesn’t dress in the outlandish way she does on stage, and comes across as unexpectedly articulate, shrugged when asked why she returned for the game. “Well, they wouldn’t let me do the show I wanted to do. I mean, what’s wrong with a giant extravaganza of penguins chasing Frosty the Snowman through the desert while ribbons float about in a Zen-like state, giant dragonflies chase the spectators, and interpretive dancers in nude body stockings do an interpretation of the nightmare I had last week? Doesn’t that fit the occasion?” This reporter shrugged in reply, wondering why he’d noted that Lady Gaga was articulate.

Regardless, the game will go on. The last ten minutes will be delayed time and time again to stretch out for an hour. It might be morning before it’s all said and done- at least that’s how it’ll feel to this reporter, being stuck covering this waste of time (editor: I’m feeding you to a boa constrictor).

The last word belongs to a former legend of the game and convict, serving the last of his sentence at a prison in Nevada for numerous felonies, including armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. Simpson, the fallen from grace ex-player and two bit actor, threatened this reporter last year during a visit to his jail. The Juice, as his fans would describe him, dodged a conviction for the murders of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman, but bungled his way into conviction years later on the Las Vegas robbery debacle in 2007, and has been in jail since being found guilty. Simpson contacted this reporter by phone, still awaiting his release, scheduled for sometime this year.

“First off, they should be fielding the Juice to go out there and play. I mean, I’ve still got what it takes,” Simpson claimed. This reporter rolled his eyes, doubting that an over the hill, overweight, nearly seventy year old convict had anything near to what it would take. “Second, don’t you think for one second that I haven’t forgot you quotin’ me threatenin’ to kill you last year, you hear me, mother****er? I never said that! I wouldn’t say that, and if you go around sayin’ I was threatenin’ to kill you, I’ll kill you! You hear me???? I’ll kill you! You’re dead! I’m gonna kill you, mother****er!”

This reporter heard what sounded like guards pulling the notorious Simpson away from the phone. Fortunately this reporter made a point of recording every single conversation he ever has, but just in case, if anything bad should happen to him this year, the authorities should be looking at one of two suspects: a sixty nine year old out of shape ex-football player with a temper or a cranky editor who can’t take a (editor: I’m going to carve your heart out with a rusty knife and feed it to my dog)

Well then. Probably the cranky editor is the more likely suspect.

The Five Hoods: The Swashbuckler

Some links before we get ourselves started today. Norma has a cover for her memoir. Yesterday was a Square Dog Friday for AngryParsnip. Lorelei looks at the history of Hallowe'en. And the Whisk had a Who Am I question.

Today I start out with the first of five reviews for films about the legendary outlaw and the stories about him. Enjoy!

“Do you know any prayers, my friend?” ~ Sir Guy of Gisbourne 

“I’ll say one for you.” ~ Robin Hood

“You know you’re very impudent.” ~ Marian

“I’ll organize revolt, exact death for a death, and I’ll never rest until every Saxon in this shire can stand up free men and strike a blow for Richard and England.” ~ Robin Hood

The classic film The Adventures of Robin Hood is a swashbuckling story from directors Michael Curtiz (Casablanca) and William Keighley (The Prince And The Pauper). It brings together Errol Flynn and Olivia De Havilland for one of a number of films they co-starred in together as the outlaw from Sherwood Forest and the Lady Marian. There had been Robin Hoods on the silver screen before, and many more would follow, but for many, this classic version is the definitive take on the tale. It was a popular action film in 1938 that still endures today, well received by audiences and critics alike.

The film opens up with England at a crossroads; Richard the Lionheart (Ian Hunter), on his way back from the Crusades, has been taken prisoner. His brother Prince John (Claude Rains) is in the process of seizing power as a result, oppressing the common people, raising taxes for the supposed purpose of ransoming Richard, but in fact to gain control of the throne. One Saxon knight, Robin of Locksley (Flynn) opposes John’s actions. Having had already gained the enmity of Sir Guy of Gisbourne (Basil Rathbone), Robin finds himself on the run with a price on his head for his outspoken disagreement with the prince.

He and his friend Will Scarlett (Patric Knowles) end up in Sherwood Forest, where they cross paths with others who have a price on their heads, including Little John (Alan Hale Sr.) and Friar Tuck (Eugene Pallette). Robin and his band of outlaws begin their own campaign of insurrection, robbing from the rich to give to the poor, fighting for a free England until the return of Richard. This will bring them into conflict with Prince John, Gisbourne, the sheriff of Nottingham (Melville Cooper), and a whole lot of moving targets in soldier’s garb. All while Robin gets to flirt with Maid Marian (De Havilland).

Keighley was replaced during filming by the studio, which went with Curtiz instead as director; officially the story goes that Keighley fell ill, but there’s some dispute to that. Regardless, some of the finished work belongs to both directors. Curtiz would end up working with Flynn on a regular basis. Production was done in sets and locations around California, and at one time James Cagney was meant to star in the lead- wisely this never came to be. Flynn was, after all, far better suited for a dashing hero than Cagney, whose work leaned heavily towards the gangsters.  Warner Brothers went with Technicolor for the film, a new and more expensive process, but one that worked well for the story. Sets and costumes come to vivid life.

The film contains some of the best archery and sword duels of the time- the climactic fight between Flynn and Rathbone is particularly memorable; it turns out that the fencing master behind this believed sword fights should look like sword fights, and not fencing matches, and that comes across throughout. The film also evokes the chivalry and dashing adventurous spirit of the original stories. It won three Oscars, for the score by Erich Korngold, for editing, and for art direction, and has been designated of historic significance by the Library of Congress.  

It’s something of a family film- kids will enjoy it, of course, but adults certainly will enjoy it on an entirely different level. There’s no cynicism to the story, just an exuberant energy perhaps best seen in its title character. There’s a playfulness that extends to other characters, as well as the need to show off, but those are the characters and not the actors doing that. It also brings across a clear difference between right and wrong- the heroes act for the greater good, while the villains act for their own greed and ambitions.

The casting throughout is splendid, and that’s what makes this film work so well, as is the case with any good film. Claude Rains is ideal as Prince John. He had such a rich resume of acting roles throughout his life, with each role seeming in turn to be different from the others. His John is a schemer, but one with little personal courage. Melville Cooper gives us a different take as the Sheriff than later performances, such as Alan Rickman’s signature performance in the role. He’s much more of an underling, and at heart something of a coward. Basil Rathbone, who would go on to star in his greatest role as Sherlock Holmes in several films, gets the most screen time among the villains as Sir Guy, a treacherous snake with his own ambition and next to nothing in the way of ethics. It’s a great scene chewing role for the actor, and Rathbone makes him a terrific villain, just the right counterbalance to the hero.

The other supporting performances are just as good. Ian Hunter brings nobility and fair play to his take as King Richard. Patric Knowles gives his role of Will a certain amount of humour, but at the same time, this is a man who knows who his friends are and stands by them through anything- loyalty like that can’t be bought. Eugene Pallette is as grumpy, boisterous, and at heart decent as you would expect of Friar Tuck, a character who’s come down through centuries of stories as such. And Alan Hale establishes his take on Little John as a man worthy of respect, but also knowing a good leader when he sees one.

Olivia De Havilland brings many qualities to her role as Marian. She initially holds Robin in disdain as an outlaw and a brigand, but there’s a spark there. Her feelings shift gradually, as she discovers that his motivations are for the better, that there’s a good man beneath the swagger. She’s outspoken at times, and courageous and selfless, even at risk to herself. She has great chemistry with Flynn, and that comes across on the screen, but establishes her take on Marian as someone of depth all her own. In a career filled with outstanding work, this is one of her best roles.

Flynn was early on in his career when he got this role; later on in life he became something of a caricature. It’s refreshing to see him in this role; he seems to be having fun, both as the actor and in terms of conveying what the character is feeling. His Robin is fair minded, remarking that it’s injustice that he hates, not Normans, and he believes that his country can be better than it is becoming. He’s driven by justice, but there’s a swagger to him too, as though he’s thoroughly enjoying the danger he finds himself in on a regular basis. He’s certainly fearless, and a good leader, and Flynn brings these qualities to his performance in the role.

There have been many Robin Hoods on the silver screen, but this take on the role is one of the definitive versions of the story. It did eclipse the earlier Douglas Fairbanks silent version of the story, and for decades it has continued to entertain audiences who seek it out. The film is a rousing adventure with a sense of humour and the right amount of romance, all while featuring some of the best sword fighting in movie history.

Even if Bugs Bunny doesn’t believe Errol could possibly be Robin.