Cancer Widows And Scamming Bankers

It's been awhile since last I posted, and it may be awhile longer yet until another post. But I thought I'd share a couple of the following. They are of course two examples of the standard internet scammer emails that turn up in junk email folders, never to be taken seriously. They're the same messages sent out to a half million or so random email addresses in the hopes that some dumbass sucker will believe it and send off a few thousand bucks in administration fees before realizing that they got conned by a con man. As such, they're only good for being the subject of ridicule and scorn. 

God will bless you as you fulfilled my wish

My name is Mrs Joy Smith Johnson, I am a dying woman who had decided

to donate what I have to the Charities. I am 77 years old and was

diagnosed for cancer about four years ago, immediately after the death

of my husband; I have been touched to donate from what I have

inherited from my late husband for the good work rather than allow his

 relatives to use my husband's hard earned fund.

As I lay on my sick bed, I want you to help me in carrying out my last

wish on earth which will be very profitable to you. I want to WILL a

total sum of $5.5 million USD to you which I want you to distribute

part of it to any charity home for me and the rest for yourself and

your family which I will inform you on how to share all, please for

further information contact me ASAP.

Best Regards,

Mrs Joy Smith Johnson

ALEXANDER NONDH LANGFELDT

Head of International Transaction Banking

2nd Floor. 3000 Phahonyothin Road,

Chom Phon Sub-district,

Chatuchak District,Bangkok Province 10900

Attention: BENEFICIARY

Your inheritance funds of $32.6m this is to notify you that your over due inheritance funds has been gazetted to be released, via key telex transfer (ktt)-direct wire transfer to you by the senate committee for foreign overdue fund transfer.

Meanwhile, a woman came to my office few days ago with a letter, claiming to be your true representative. Here are her information:

Name BINGELLIGELLI PETERMANN

Bank name:ANZ

Account number:113388520034

Please do reconfirm to this office, as a matter of urgency if this woman is from you so the bank Will not be held responsible for paying into the wrong account name.

The reserve bank governor, executive, board of directors and the committee for foreign over due inheritance fund have approved and accredited this reputable bank with the office of the director, international Remittance / foreign operations, to handle and transfer all foreign inheritance funds this second quarter payment of the year.

However, we shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mrs.Petermann if we do not hear from you within the next seven working days from today.

You should forward all your information

1 Your full name and address

2 Your phone and fax number

3 Your state id

Best regards,

ALEXANDER NONDH LANGFELDT

Head of International Transaction

2nd Floor. 3000 Phahonyothin Road,

Chom Phon Sub-district, Banking

Chatuchak District,Bangkok Province 10900

The first presents us with the usual sob story- the cancer ridden widow who has a whole lot of money she wants to will (no, WILL, because all capitals means she means business) to a complete stranger to hand off to distribute part of it to charity houses and keep the rest. She uses the standard pious godly routine, the standard screwing up of punctuation, the standard capitalization of words that don't need to be capitalized. She claims she was diagnosed "about four years ago, immediately after the death of my husband." About? Really? You'd think the death of your totally fake husband and being diagnosed with terminal cancer would fix that in your mind, so you'd be saying, four years and two months ago, as opposed to about. 

But no, there's no Mrs. Joy Smith Johnson. Because she doesn't exist. Well, I imagine there are Joy Smith Johnsons out there in the world, they're just not spending their days passing themselves off as 77 year old cancer victim widows with money to hand out to strangers. Just that this Joy Smith Johnson doesn't exist. Because she's as fake as the rest of the message. Which was sent by someone at the far end of a long daisy chain of cut-out emails who's sent the same damned message to hundreds of thousands of other people.

And then there's Alexander Nondh Langfeldt. Or whatever the hell his real name is, because there's no way that belong to a real person. He claims to be head of international transaction banking of a bank in Thailand (while not mentioning the actual bank itself). You'd think that an actual person of that sort of responsibility and job would have a reasonable command of the English language, but instead he screws up wording, phrasing, punctuation, capitalization, and common sense throughout his rambling text.

He throws out a name of a woman claiming to be my representative, with a first name and a last name that have absolutely no common tie, culturally speaking. And he claims there's thirty two million dollars of an inheritance for me. This despite the fact that I don't have any rich dead relatives that would be sending out that kind of money to me.

It's also telling that he wants details out of me: my name, address, phone and fax number (who the hell has a fax in this day and age?) and state ID.You'd think that an actual banker (which he is not) would already have that information in hand). Oh, sure, and the next step will be personal bank account numbers. 

Okay then. I'll give you my bank account number.

It's actually not a number at all, but a phrase.

FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE

And the password is 

DROP DEAD.

Somewhere out there a spammer will try entering those two phrases into their bank account searches, thinking I'm serious. No, I am not. But the sentiment is legitimate. That's the amount of regard I have for spammers and internet scammers. 

I want you to drop dead. Not next week, not in a year. Right now. Cease your wasting of oxygen. This applies to cancer widows, fake bankers, the concubines of deposed warlords, and the idiots sending the exact same barely literate spam comments over and over again. To them I can only say these final words.

None of you will ever do the world any good until you are no longer in it. Remedy that as swiftly as possible.