Return Of A Witless Internet Scammer

Today we carry on with the infernal plague that finds human form. The internet scammers and spammers who keep trying to send spam comments into our posts, who fill our junk email folders with spam for useless crap and the usual amount of sob stories that hide the fundamental tell tales of an internet scammer. They will never take a hint and just take a long walk off a short pier. They will never understand what it means when we tell them to drop dead, rot in hell, or to use more colourful vocabulary, to go fuck themselves. No, they just merrily go along spamming countless people and sending garbage emails such as the following.

Hello Dearest

My name is Jeane Gad 20 years old girl, I am presently in Ivory Coast since the death of my father who was an Ivorian while my mother is from Toulouse France, both of them meet when my father reside in Toulouse France and they got married though, the marriage did not last long because my mother divorce my father when I was only 6 years old, in fact I don’t know my mother very well only on photos.

My dear, it is my intention to request for your assistance to be my foreign partner/trustee to transfer my inheritance money from here to your account in your country so i can come over to your country and establish a new life, The money worth of ($2.700, 000.00) Two Million, Seven Hundred Thousand US Dollars which my late father deposited in a bank here in Ivory coast. After the transfer i will give you 30% for all your effort to helping me.

Dear as am talking to you now my life is not safe here, I am hiding myself in one hotel because of my uncles, they are not happy with me because of my inheritance, they are planning to kill me by all possible means to enable them be in a better position to claim this money at the bank.

Please dear consider the painful condition I am now and help me, God bless you as you help me out. I will be waiting for your reply.

With love from Jeane Gad

Where to begin? Well, how about we start with all these overly familiar greetings. "Hello dearest. My dear. Dear."

To which I start by saying something else.

Fuck you!

I don't even like it if someone I like uses such terms, and you think I'd appreciate it coming from an internet scammer?

Because that's what you are, Jeane Gad, or whoever you really are. Some of the usual tell tales are there. The overly formal language that suggests it's not being written by someone with a normal command of the English language, the punctuation issues, the capitalizing of letters that don't need it and not capitalizing ones that do, the numerical and spelling out of a big sum of money that needs to be moved out of the country. There's the usual sob story of a dead relative, in this case her daddy, who just happens to have 2.7 million dollars lingering in an Ivorian bank and which she needs my help to move.

She tells us of the uncles who are planning to kill her because of her inheritance, claiming she's hiding in a hotel because she's not safe. Well, this totally fake hotel must have good wireless if you're sending this fake story out to hundreds of thousands of people hoping that one of them buys the totally fake story about the totally fake inheritance and the totally fake evil greedy uncles. 

Hey, lady (or whatever the hell you are, because as we've already established that Jeane Gad isn't your real name, and you could be a woman, a guy, or Jabba the Hutt behind that email), if your uncles were actually threatening you, you could just call the cops. 

But no, that would go against the grain of the totally fake internet scammer story. Which you expect us to believe.

There actually is a Jeane Gad in Ivory Coast, at least the LinkedIn profile for one. It claims to be that of a student. Perhaps that's real. Perhaps it's just part of the cover for this scam. But this scammer spins an all too familiar story of money, a tragic story, and the promises of riches, mixing it up with religious fervour along the way. "God bless you as you help me out," she says. How nice. I've heard that one before from internet scammers.

And of course she says, "I will be waiting for your reply." In which case you will be waiting for a very long time. Because I'm not replying back. No, I'm just going to use you as an object of ridicule. Maybe someone in that list of hundreds of thousands of people will buy it and send you off a few thousand dollars in advance fees before they get wise and realize they got taken as a sucker.

For my part, I just wish we could feed you to an overly cranky gigantic beast who likes demolishing cities. 

But you might give Godzilla heartburn.