Night Of The Undead Internet Scammer

You can tell them over and over again to drop dead, to go away, to take a hint and hold their breath for an hour. And yet they never listen. I speak of course of the internet scammers and spammers who send us emails that get shunted right off to junk, or try to spam our blogs. One particular post in my photoblog, for instance, is routinely targeted by endless spammers (and since it's an older post all the comments must be screened by me). I don't know what it is about that post that attracts their attention- it's a routine spring walk around in the vicinity of Parliament Hill and taking in lilacs. And yet it does. The other day I noticed one short comment- "thanks for sharing your thoughts on how to relieve headaches." 

There was nothing in that post about relieving headaches. The only headaches I get are from putting up with spammers, who in my personal opinion should all be chained together and dropped into the Marianas Trench. Yes, spammers (and scammers), I went there. You should be dropped into the ocean, chained together. Awake, alert, and knowing precisely what's about to happen to you, knowing you're about to descend into the deepest part of the ocean. 

On a related note, I sometimes visualize my idiot ex-brother-in-law in the same position.

Anyway, this brief attempt at ye olde internet scammer (aka homo sapiens scammeritis annoyingus) surfaced in my junk email the other day.

I am Feliciano Bermudez ,i got my loan of $750,000 from this firm. Are you in need of a fast and legit loan? if yes kindly contact: macroloanfirm.everyday@gmail.com for more info today. Name: Country: Required quantity: monthly income: Loan Duration: get back to us by email: macroloanfirm.everyday@gmail.com 

Where to begin? Well, how about the name. Feliciano Bermudez. Wow, did you pick that one out of a hat? A Cracker Jack box prize? A pin the tail on the donkey game that went wrong? I'd say it sounds like a fake name- and in your case it actually is- though I see from looking about online that there are actual Feliciano Bermudez names out there (complete aside: you poor bastards).

We see some of the usual tell tales: spacing issues, capitalizing things that don't need it, while not capitalizing others- after all, when we use the word I to refer to ourselves, we don't write it as "i."  Our friend with the totally fake name uses the word 'legit' to describe this loan. Because that instills me with confidence.

While our friend doesn't employ some of the other standard tell tales of a Nigerian scammer- the long drawn out story of the widow/ daughter/ assistant/ concubine of the former president/ prince/ minister/ general that we so often see in these things, and while it's shorter than you would usually expect, there are a couple of other things I'd like to touch on (aside from that ridiculous name, because had it been real, this Feliciano Bermudez would have gotten the shit kicked out of him every single day on the school yard).

Feliciano claims that he got a loan of three quarters of a million dollars from this totally fake firm. Well, first, he doesn't write like the sort of person who can pay back three quarters of a million dollars, as I've pointed out already. And second, he can't seem to keep his story straight from beginning to end. Is he claiming he got a loan from these people or is he claiming to be one of them? Because by the end of it, he's saying, 'get back to us by email'. 

Us? So which is it, Feliciano? Is it 'this firm' or is it going to be 'us'.

Your so called firm is a fly by night operation of internet scammers at the far end of a long line of fake email addresses with one objective: to score a few hundred dollars off of someone dumb enough to buy this scam. 

For the rest of us, it's just the sort of thing to make us roll our eyes when we check our junk email. And perhaps use it for blog fodder.

Do us all a favour, Feliciano.

Give yourself a few deep papercuts.

Then go for a swim.

In waters infested with great white sharks.