Melville Never Saw Scammers Coming

"To the last, I grapple with thee. From Hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee." ~ Herman Melville, Moby Dick

Captain Ahab, that cantankerous old sea dog who never let go of a grudge, seemed to have a bit of a dispute with a cranky whale in Melville's classic book (which everyone's heard of and few have read). I guarantee that if he'd ever encountered the modern day scourge of spam and internet scammers, he'd conclude that perhaps the whale wasn't that bad a critter. This came through into my junk mail recently.

Google Incorporation

Stamford New Road,

Altrincham Cheshire,

London, WA14 1EP

United Kingdom

Tel : +44 7010091907

Attention: abc

Prize Claim Procedure

A parcel containing your won demand draft and other documents has been sent to our Correspondent and assigned attorney in India. You are advise to contact him via email immediately with the below contact details for further direction.

Barrister Connard Smith Esq

Email: barconnardsmith07@gmail.com

Phone No: +919910549256

Contact him with your personal Id. proof, residential address and mobile number. He will direct and inform you on how your winning fund will be remitted into your bank account by the appropriate and approved financial institution (R.B.I).

Thanks for being part of our program. Congrats!

Regards,Dr. June Brown

Event Manager

And there we have it. Our spammer dangles ye olde lottery scam right there in front of us. The alarm bell starts with the address- which, if you google it, brings up articles on scam alerts as opposed to a legitimate organization. The content being a British lottery by way of India is another alarm bell, what with the simple fact that I don't play lotteries in Britain. And then there's the creative phrasing. "A parcel containing your won demand draft". Excuse me, what?

There are other tell tales. Spacing issues here and there. Language that comes across as too formal. Capitalizing a word that doesn't need it, such as correspondent. And then there's the name of the so called correspondent. I mean, Connard Smith? Well, at least you've got one accurate thing in that junk email- Con being the heart of it all. Who's ever heard of the name Connard to begin with? Did his parents lose a bet?

While the scammer isn't the usual sob story praise be to God of the usual Nigerian scammer, it's definitely a scam. I mean, the whole text shows up on scam alert pages. I particularly find the close rather eye rolling. "Regards, Dr. June Brown Event Manager." That's rather a step down for someone who's either gone to medical school or gotten a doctorate. An "event manager" for a British lottery. Uh huh. Particularly given that said "doctor" can't even write this nonsense without making mistakes.

Nice try, scamming scammer. We know you're not real. Well, you are real, but not British real. You're just a scammer hoping someone is dumb enough to buy into your scam. Keep trying.

It's too bad you're not actually in Britain. I'm sure Her Majesty wouldn't mind turning the Tower of London back into a prison. I'm sure the beefeaters would love to get their hands on you.