A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:35 AM. Waking up. No trace of the staff. Will have to wake her up post haste. I expect my breakfast promptly at my convenience, and it's most inconvenient to be kept waiting.

7:37 AM. Have found staff in her bedroom, still asleep. Jumping up on bed. Spotting her bare foot poking out from under the covers. Deciding that would be an ideal target. A moment's pause, and then lunge, grabbing onto her foot with both front paws. Staff sits upright in bed, yelling out, and sees alarm clock, blurts out something about being late for work. Well, that's irrelevant, staff, particularly when you haven't fetched my breakfast yet. And for the record, I want something tasty. Not field rations!

7:50 AM. Staff downstairs after breaking personal record for showering, getting ready, and dressed for the day. Muttering something about trick or treats. Passes by kitchen on her way to front door. Staff? Staff??? Hey, what about breakfast?

Following staff out front door. Staff dashes to car, starts it up, and drives away.

Rats. I'm locked out.

8:15 AM. Have confirmed earlier suspicions. No sign of an entry point into house. Feeling peckish. Will have to eat something. Should I go hunting? Or go smoothtalk my way with Mrs. McIntyre?

8:35 AM. Have found my way to Mrs. McIntyre's back door. She's good people.

8:45 AM. Purring to my heart's delight in the kitchen of Mrs. McIntyre's home. She's given me milk and that lovely high quality salmon that I like. Very tasty indeed. Mrs. McIntyre, you're good. Even for a lower form of life.

1:55 PM. Waking up from a solid three hour nap by the fireplace. Mrs. McIntyre asks if we're ready for the trick or treaters tonight. That's the second time I've heard that term today...

2:55 PM. Have bid farewell to Mrs. McIntyre with my compliments, some purring, and the traditional rubbing my head against her legs thing that I do. On my way home.

Wondering when the staff will finally show up.

3:10 PM. Have engaged in epic confrontation with neighbourhood dog on my way home. Ended with my jumping on his back and giving him a good clawing. As is typical of dogs, he ran yelping like an idiot.

5:45 PM. Waiting on front porch. Finally the staff turns up. She gets out of her car, takes one look at me, and asks, "I forgot to feed you, didn't I?"

Yes, you did, staff. Don't you think I'll forget it.

5:47 PM. Inside house. Staff says she'll make up for the whole locking me out all day. I wonder if she knows I swindle Mrs. McIntyre into spoiling me shamelessly?

6:10 PM. Staff sets down plate of chicken and beef strips for me. This is much better than field rations.

There may be hope for you yet, staff.

6:35 PM. Staff busy making dinner, and also putting up garish pumpkin decor for some reason. Staff, I'm fairly sure that I didn't authorize you to change the decor in the house.

6:55 PM. Puzzled by what staff has done to a pumpkin. That's not right. That's not right at all....

7:10 PM. Disapproval of staff changes to decor interrupted by sound of doorbell. Staff walks out to door, picking up large bowl along the way. I follow her. She opens it up, and there, standing before her, are four mewling brats, dressed up in some freakish clothing with masks. Staff, I swear to you, if your idiot relations came back, with one of their friends, to torment me again, I will never forgive you.

The mewling brats all call out "Trick or treat." The staff, in turn, reaches into the bowl, dropping something into their bags, and bidding them goodnight.

Staff? What is the meaning of this?

7:15 PM. Staff has returned into the living room. Have personally inspected contents of bowl, finding large quantities of candy. Miniscule little chocolate bars, really. I have no personal appreciation for chocolate, but the staff loves the stuff, though she keeps it at a minimum. Says it's better than sex.

What good is a little candy bar?

7:35 PM. Have taken up station on back of couch, looking outside front windows. Staff is periodically being interrupted by more mewling brats coming to her front door, and she keeps giving them candy.

Come now, staff, if you want to interest me in such treats, you'll have to make them something suited to my taste. Such as chicken meatballs liberally sprinkled with catnip.

7:50 PM. Baring my fangs and hissing loudly as I stare outside. The latest batch of mewling brats have brought their dog along, dressed as a horse. The dog sees me and barks. I hiss back from behind the window.

Stupid dog.

8:50 PM. The interruptions by mewling brats seems to have ended for the evening. Staff decides to watch a "scary movie." She picks up Sleepy Hollow from the shelves. Staff, you're not picking that because it's scary. You're picking it up because that Depp fellow stars in it.

9:15 PM. Watching movie with staff. Richard Griffiths just got his head cut off by the Headless Horseman. You know, staff, if this movie had come out after the Harry Potter movies, the audiences would have been cheering. It's not as if you're going to find a Vernon Dursley fan club, you know...

9:20 PM. Oh, come on now, Ichabod, can't you see Katrina is a witch? It's perfectly obvious, but you're oblivious.

Look, I get the whole Johnny Depp is eye candy thing, but if you ask me, they should have cast a cat in the lead role. We'd have had the whole thing figured out five seconds after meeting Stepmommy Dearest.

9:35 PM. Good riddance to that Casper twit. Honestly, the guy is a dullard. What was Burton thinking casting him?

10:10 PM. Look out, Dumbledore, you're about to die in a horrible way...

Honestly, is Michael Gambon in every film?

And there he bites the dust and gets his head chopped off.

10:50 PM. Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci, and the kid who was never seen again in another movie just blew up a windmill. No big loss. Windmills are ugly.

Well, the Dutch don't think so, but they can be silly from time to time.

10:55 PM. Christopher Walken's face is reunited with his body. He does a lot of growling and grunting. At least he's not doing that whole Christopher Walken playing Christopher Walken thing he does. That gets really, really old.

10:57 PM. Horseman and Stepmommy Dearest wind up locked in Big Bad Tree of Death. Story ends. Depp faints.

Staff seems to be overheated. Oh, come on, staff! He's not that hot!

11:00 PM. Staff turns off movie as credits roll. Staff, did it ever occur to you that the people whose names are in that credit list might appreciate being acknowledged by looking it over instead of turning the movie off the second the credits start rolling?

Wait a minute, I'm showing consideration to a pack of humans I've never met before. That's not right!

11:15 PM. Staff fixes me a late night treat. Some more chicken and beef strips. This suits me just fine, staff. And don't think I didn't see you snatch up a couple of those miniscule chocolate bars out of the bowl....

11:35 PM. Staff watching late news. Apparently a city hall got "egged" by rowdy teens as a Hallowe'en prank. As did the mayor as he was leaving.

Humans. Little minds are easily amused by little things.

11:50 PM. Staff says she's off to bed. This despite the fact that I have been making use of her lap. Staff, you can go to bed when I'm done lying on your lap. Not before then. Staff? Staff?

The staff has removed me from her lap.

And here I was so comfy.

11:51 PM. Staff is up to her feet despite my protests, and telling me she wants some alone time. That always happens when she watches a Depp movie. Last week she watched a pirate movie, and headed upstairs afterwards. Next thing I know, I hear her moaning something about Captain Jack finding her buried treasure...

Honestly, staff, there are times I wonder why I put up with you.