Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, February 22, 2016

Flyer Spam: Douchebag Of The Year


We’ve gotten ourselves so used to internet spam turning up in our junk email, along with the toxic waste dump that are internet scammers. They are a bane to our existence in more ways than one, and we wish we could find a way to rid the earth of them forever. Every once in awhile they do things the old fashioned way.

A week ago yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I left home in the morning to run errands- namely to do my laundry. The walk out to the laundromat takes ten minutes through what is at any time of the day a quiet neighbourhood. Passing some of the hydro poles along the way, one might see notices for lost pets, a neighbourhood event, or flyers offering snow shovelling services. This particular day, however, on numerous poles along that street and others through my neighbourhood, there was an addition. I photographed three of them, and here they are.


The guy must have done this the night before. I walk these streets daily, after all, and I probably would have noticed had they been there the previous day. I shook my head when I saw the other, then the next. By the third poster, I was muttering a few choice words. Narcissistic douchebag came to mind.

Seriously, what kind of guy posts these? Advertising himself as a Valentine’s date, calling himself a “certified dream boat”. Humble and stacked? A guy who “smokes darts and breaks hearts”? Having photos of himself that can only be described as classic douchebag sleazeball poses? I mean, seriously, Case, covering your crotch with twenties? That’s a real dirtbag play on your part.

He’s trying to pass himself off as a real catch in these shots. No doubt all those twenties just represent his rent money for the month and after his little photo shoot they have to go right back in the bank lest his cheque bounce. No doubt the boat is a rental.


Sorry, Case, I hate to burst your bubble and all (actually, no I don’t, because dirtbags such as yourself don’t deserve any consideration or punches pulled), but no, you’re not a “certified dream boat”. Because only a self absorbed narcissistic twit would call himself that in the first place. Only someone so bloody well in love with themselves would even consider it.

What you are is a disgrace to my half of the species, a desperate for female attention troll who thinks that putting up however many flyers on hydro poles and under car windshield wipers right before Valentine’s Day, advertising himself as a great date, is a wonderful idea. What you are, O Inept One, is a basement dwelling misogynistic dog (and I’ve just insulted canines by saying that, because four legged dogs are far better beings than you) who thinks that women will just gravitate to you when they see these.

Not likely. They’re a lot more likely to run as far away from sleazeballs like you as fast as they can.


Seriously, man, if you’re going to go through with this sort of thing, why not post it online in the personals section of Craigslist? Maybe there you’ll get lucky.

Of course, you might also contract yourself a case of syphilis or herpes while you’re at it. In your case, that would be a good thing. A “certified dream boat” spending the rest of his life living down an STD would be hilarious, wouldn’t it? Well, for us, Case, not for you.

It’s not too hard to expect that Case didn’t end up being a Valentine’s date for anyone. Since he’s so in love with himself, that’s as much romantic attention as he got. I imagine Case would be a good candidate as an early nominee for Douchebag of the Year. Certainly he takes the title locally speaking, and that’s saying something, considering this is a city full of politicians.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Unleashing The Merc With A Mouth


“Crime’s the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical cream to reduce the swelling and itch.” ~ Deadpool

“Just promise you’ll do right by me, so I can do right by someone else. And don’t make the super suit green. Or animated.” ~ Deadpool

“Wow, this is such a big house, but I only ever see the two of you here. It’s like the studio didn’t have  enough money for any more X-Men.” ~ Deadpool

“I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.” ~ Deadpool


Back in the day, writer Fabien Nicieza and artist Rob Liefeld (who’s established a well deserved reputation as one of the worst comic book artists of all time) created an unlikely character named Wade Wilson, otherwise known as Deadpool, a mercenary with a smart aleck attitude, a healing factor, and an ability to understand that he was a comic book character, thus breaking the Fourth Wall. The character has been around the Marvel universe ever since, annoying pretty much anyone he’s come into contact with, proving to be an antihero with mileage. Now the character has hit theatres with a solo film of his own, starring Ryan Reynolds, who played at least a version of the character previously in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.


Wade (Reynolds) is a mercenary in New York, a former special forces operative with a motor mouth and shaky ethics. Vanessa Carlyle (Morena Baccarin) is the woman in his life, but life throws him a bad loop and he ends up diagnosed with terminal cancer. This being a comic book adaptation and not My Life, the story of course will not involve long vigils at hospital bedsides and a teary eyed fiancée watching her guy waste away. Wade is given a chance at a secret program, with an experimental cure dangled in his face.


The program includes one Francis Freeman (Ed Skrein), aka Ajax, who has a formula meant to trigger mutant genes, though there are of course other agendas involved, including torture for the sake of torture. Ajax and his right hand Angel Dust (Gina Carano) aren’t nice people, and Wade’s experiences in the program lead to a cure of sorts, an accelerated healing factor, not to mention a wee bit of a disfigurement soon requiring a red and black mask and costume.


The character had been in the works for a film treatment for years. Reynolds first became interested in the role after a comic book reference by Wade comparing his appearance to “Ryan Reynolds crossed with a shar-pei.” Wade turned up in the aforementioned Wolverine film, carrying some of the character’s habit to irritate everyone around him before ending up in a very different state than when he began, but this film pretty much feels like it’s ignoring that film- with the odd exception here and there. One wonders as an aside, with the time altering events of the most recent X-Men film, did that movie even happen?


The story is squarely set in the X-Men cinematic universe though, with the appearance of one of the team as well as a trainee with a really weird name, as opposed to the Marvel cinematic universe of the Avengers films. The script by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick is strongly influenced by the comic history, but even more by the tone of the character. Deadpool (often referred to as the Merc With A Mouth) has long been the sort of character who understands he’s in a comic book and frequently breaks the Fourth Wall, something that’s done in the film as well. It’s a meta sort of film where the protagonist knows he’s in a film and riffs on that, and the writing plays to that in a hilarious way, tweaking the conventions of action, comic adaptations, and even romance in various ways. The previous take on Wade in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, as well as Reynold’s role in the ill fated Green Lantern, as well as Spider-Man, the X-Men, Batman, and much more all become targets for the humour of the film.


The script gives us a protagonist who’s not that sympathetic- Wade’s ethics as a vigilante are shifty to say the least, and he’s not out to save the world. He’s crass and thoughtless at times, tends to lean towards selfishness at times. The villains are suitably nasty- and prone to getting very quickly irritated by the protagonists. The writers play to those elements, and give the script a funny, demented, and skewed tone that fits Deadpool perfectly.


Director Tim Miller comes from a background in animation, short films, and title sequences for other films. This is his first feature where he’s helming the whole thing as a director, and yet he seems well suited for it. Filming was done in Vancouver (which so often fills in for American cities), and Miller’s use of the urban environment makes up for the relatively low budget of the production. Miller does well with working on action sequences, and gives the film a gritty feel in the way he films things.


The cast are relatively well cast. T.J. Miller plays the role of Weasel, Wade’s friend, an import from the comics where the character is a long suffering support to Deadpool. I wondered where I’d seen him before- it turns out he played the most obnoxiously annoying member of the cast of Cloverfield, an oaf handling a camera through that monster film. Leslie Uggams plays the part of Blind Al, also a transfer from the comics, an elderly blind woman who ends up having the exasperating mercenary as a roommate. The X-Man Colossus turns up as well; previously played by Daniel Cudmore, this time it’s a performance of several actors taking on voice, motion capture, and facial expression. Colossus is pretty much bland no matter who plays him, but putting the character opposite Deadpool makes him a good foil and subject for Wade’s snarkiness. The X-trainee with him is played by Brianna Hildebrand, taking on the name Negasonic Teenage Warhead (proof that X-students have no business choosing their own codenames). The character is rooted in the comics as well, and the actress gives the mutant the right kind of attitude.


Gina Carano has a background in mixed martial arts before moving into film. Her take on Angel Dust is very different from the comics- the character has gained powers through experimentation, and she’s a good deal crankier than her comics counterpart. She brings the physicality to the role that the film requires. Ed Skrein, who’s spent time on that whole Game Of Thrones series (spoiler: in the end, everyone’s going to die) has the primary antagonist role of Ajax to play. As required, he plays the scenery chewing sociopath well, and as expected given who he’s up against, he tends to get irritated quickly and often.


Morena Baccarin first came to my attention as a cast regular in Firefly (it’s a crime that the show only lasted a season), and these days she’s a regular on the comics adaptation series Gotham. She’s likeable and sympathetic as Vanessa, a character who’s quite different in the comics. The actress has good chemistry with Reynolds, and where the film takes her, the reactions that she has make sense, particularly how she feels about revelations that play out.


Ryan Reynolds has a ball playing Deadpool, to the point where it’s impossible to imagine anyone else playing the character. He conveys the sheer sense of anarchic lunacy and snark that’s so central to the character, a mix of self loathing glossed over with sarcasm. His performance is subversive, hilarious, and self-aware; with his tendency to break the Fourth Wall, Reynolds plays Wade rather like an updated Ferris Bueller- albeit one with a hideous face, lack of moral center, and fondness for weapons. It’s a delight to watch him in action or to listen to him speak, and you can tell that the actor is enjoying himself thoroughly throughout the film.


Deadpool is a blast, blowing the lid off the conventions of the superhero film in a big way, providing plenty of laughs and thumbing the nose in many ways. It’s thoroughly entertaining, with lots of nods towards the genre (one will have to see it more times to catch all of them). I look forward to more of the Merc With A Mouth- and it seems that movie going audiences agree. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time to turn to the cat's point of view on all things. Show the great feline some much due respect, for like all cats, she is a superior life form.


7:26 AM. Waking up at home. Slept exceedingly well. Had dreams of a giant ball of yarn.


7:31 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Well, hello there, staff, how about we get ourselves started on breakfast? I mean, today is a work day for you, so I’m stuck here all day with nothing to do but plot world domination and how to use your credit cards to buy catnip.


7:34 AM. The staff disappoints me, as usual, by giving me field rations.


7:49 AM. Bidding goodbye to the staff, who’s off for work. Bring back some treats, staff. Maybe one of those balls you can put food into. 


7:55 AM. Sitting on a windowsill, taking in the vastness of my domain. Through the window I can hear that foul hound barking somewhere in the distance. Vile mutt. He’d better not come around here, because if he does, I’ll give him such a glaring.


8:03 AM. With much reluctance, I eat some of those field rations. 


9:12 AM. Time for a nap. Note to self: turn off internal alarm clock.


11:48 AM. Waking up. Big stretch. Checking the clock. Hours and hours before that staff of mine turns up, so I’ve got to figure out a way to kill some time. Maybe another nap? No, wait, just woke up, so that’s out of the question.


12:21 PM. Helping myself to more of those field rations. I really must persuade my staff to be more mindful of the quality of my breakfasts.


12:47 PM. Staring out at the falling snow. This had better not delay the return of my staff, or I will be quite displeased.


1:04 PM. Watching a bit of television. Breaking news? What’s this about? Earthquake? That endless election campaign south of the border? The Maple Leafs throwing in the towel for yet another season?


1:05 PM. Wait a minute.... Leonardo DiCaprio is throwing a temper tantrum in L.A.? Demanding he be given the Oscar right now? Come on. Where’s the man’s dignity? Oh, wait... he’s an actor... he has no dignity.


1:06 PM. Watching DiCaprio holding his breath until he gets the Oscar. So, how long can he manage that before he gives up?


1:07 PM. DiCaprio gives up, takes a breath, and then holds his breath again. 

This could last awhile. I wonder why the network feels they have to broadcast a narcissistic twit throwing a fit. All they’re doing is giving him attention.


2:34 PM. Checking in on the television again. They’re still covering the temper tantrum?

Too bad that bear didn’t really maul DiCaprio.

Okay, that’s enough of this. Particularly since it’s on every other channel too. I mean, seriously, National Geographic Channel, I expect this kind of crap out of the Discovery Channel, but not out of you.


2:47 PM. Running around the upper floor for absolutely no reason, upturning the scatter rugs as I sprint across them.


3:01 PM. Feeling knackered. Time for a nap. 


5:23 PM. Waking up. Sound of car door closing. The staff must be home.


5:24 PM. The staff comes into the house. I give her leg a head bonk. Hello, staff. Did you bring any treats?


5:55 PM. Supervising the staff while she’s making dinner. Chicken appears to be involved. 


6:03 PM. The staff is also making some fried green tomatoes for herself. Well, staff, you can have that all to yourself.


6:32 PM. The staff and I are settling down to dinner. Chicken tastes pretty good...  staff, this makes up for breakfast.


7:00 PM. For some reason, the staff turns on one of those entertainment shows. Sure enough, the epic temper tantrum is their first story. Oh, right, staff, while you were out at work, Leo went a little bit nuts. Well, that’s an understatement. Do us both a favour, staff, and turn this off. Entertainment news shows drain the intelligence of the viewer, after all.


7:03 PM. The staff mutters something about this affecting Leo’s chances at the Oscars. Staff? I’m going to explain one of the vital truths I have learned down through time. There are three certainties in life. Death is one. Taxes are another. And Leonardo DiCaprio not getting Oscars is the last one.


8:45 PM. Settling down on the staff while she’s reading. Start purring madly to deflect any annoyance on her part.


11:28 PM. The staff is off to bed. Don’t close the door, staff. If I feel like coming up at three in the morning, the last thing I need is a closed door. I’ll just end up howling anyway until you open the door, and you know it. Not howling as much as Leo when he loses the Oscar though...

Monday, February 15, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Once again it is time for the point of view of the dog and the cat, starting as always with that of Loki, Chewer of Slippers and Annoyance to Mailmen...


7:35 AM. Waking up. Strange dreams. Saw myself walking down an aisle on a red carpet with lots of people on both sides. Got kicked by someone famous. Bit them in the ankle. Apparently Streisand has a temper. Who knew?


7:41 AM. The human comes downstairs. Hello, human! How are you today? Fine day out there, more snow falling. Say, how about some breakfast? I’m feeling rather peckish right now, and I need a good bowlful of kibbles to get in before my morning run.


7:43 AM. Devouring breakfast. Yum yum yum!!!


7:52 AM. Out the door for my morning run. Bye, human! Don’t go anywhere without me!


7:59 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, dashing through the fresh snow. Is there anything as good as snow? Well, belly rubs and chew toys and irritating cats and chasing squirrels would qualify.


8:35 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hello, Spike!


8:38 AM. Spike and I compare notes on sightings of the enemy. I learn he saw one last night from inside his house. Barked up a storm at the devious little bastard, but the squirrel just kept raiding the bird feeder like it belonged to him.


8:40 AM. I relate my curious dream to Spike. He tells me that Streisand is one of those totally in love with herself singers who thinks the world should bow down at her feet. In his opinion, she deserves to get bitten. Preferably by a rabid rat.


8:43 AM. Parting ways with Spike. On my way home. Hopefully lots more snow to fall today before it’s all said and done. Too bad it’s not mountainous enough around here for avalanche conditions... in an ideal world we’d have an avalanche bury the mailman.


8:54 AM. Returning home. Barking to alert the human to my presence. Human! Loki, Chewer of Slippers and Annoyance to Mailmen, has returned!


8:56 AM. The human is subjecting me once again to the Towel of Torment. Come on, human, I’m not all that wet, and what’s wet will dry up inside fast enough once I get into nap mode by the fireplace.


9:03 AM. Settling in by the fireplace for a nap. Naps are an essential part of every good dog’s day.


11:36 AM. Slept exceedingly well. Looks like I slept through the human’s tea time again. Well, it comes down to the great dilemma- what is more important? A cookie or a nap? I suppose the answer is that it depends on the day.


12:13 PM. The human is having lunch. I’m devouring a dinner roll. Yum yum yum!


12:32 PM. Out with the human off to the barn to do some chores. Just as long as we’re back up by the house in time for me to bark at that vile mailman.


12:51 PM. Supervising the human while she’s at work. Humans do need close supervision, I think.


1:03 PM. Movement has caught my eye. Wait... it’s that annoying squirrel! Hey! Get back here!


1:04 PM. In hot pursuit of the evil little vermin. Barking my head off.


1:05 PM. The vile fiend has made his way to a tree, and he’s up there cackling away and laughing like the malevolent little bastard that he is. 


1:15 PM. Barking at the squirrel. He’s not coming down. And now I see the mailman’s car on the road. I glare up at the squirrel one more time and bark. Then I have my duties to attend to. One of these days, squirrel, you’re going to get what’s coming to you. Do you understand? You’ll get what’s coming to you.


1:16 PM. Barking at the mailman as he puts mail in the box. Hey! Get lost! If you weren’t in that car, I’d be mangling your leg right now!


4:03 PM. The human’s having afternoon tea. I’m getting a cookie. Yum yum yum!


4:35 PM. Staring at the ceiling, speculating on what the human might make for dinner tonight. Mooching techniques being considered.


6:28 PM. Dinner with the human. Shepherd’s pie tastes very good on a winter day.


7:11 PM. For some reason the human’s watching one of those entertainment news shows. The vacant headed host is blathering on about the Oscars in a few days and the misbehaviour of one actor today. Human? Why do you watch these shows? It’s not as if they gave the bear that attacked DiCaprio in that movie a nomination anyway, right?


11:45 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human. I’ll stick around down here. Brooding over how that squirrel just got away from me in the nick of time.