Vanity, Thy Name Is Katherine

Two Narcissists In Love Plan Bio-Pic Romantic Comedy, Those With Good Taste Sigh

Los Angeles (AP). It is a truth universally acknowledged that a narcissist in possession of fame must be in want of attention. That might be how Jane Austen would write it these days. 

There are some in the acting field who are reasonable people who don't really seek out much of the spotlight when they've become famous. These are the ones who are grounded and don't end up in the tabloids every week. The other ones are the ones who have Entertainment Tonight on speed dial, and who would go to the opening of an envelope if it meant they'd get their pictures in the paper walking down the red carpet.

Such as Katherine Heigl. Or, to be precise, both of them.

Several years ago, the former Grey's Anatomy star, who's made a career since then of slipping into series that get cancelled quickly, or into film roles she's not suited for, went way beyond the lines of narcissism. An actor who was known to be difficult to work with, Heigl had burned bridges and blamed everyone else for it, all while mysteriously still getting roles. It made one wonder what blackmail material she had over studio executives.

Heigl, dissatisfied with the state of her romantic life and deciding that the only person she could be happy with was herself, crossed all sorts of ethical boundaries and enlisted a scientist, Doctor Otto von Frankenstein (no relation) to help her find a Katherine Heigl from another reality, to be her one true soulmate.

And so it happened. In a process that put the space-time continuum at risk, Heigl found the woman who became her wife in another reality: that reality's Katherine Heigl, just as conceited, just as disdainful of others, and just as self absorbed. The two hit it off famously, got married, and have ever since been making a spectacle of themselves with public displays of affection that have gone way over the line as a matter of routine. 

This week they're back in the news, craving the spotlight, after an announcement of a new romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl and Katherine Heigl. When Katherine Met Katherine is being billed as an "autobiography of a sweet, loving romance between a famous woman and the person she can't do without- herself, from across realities. An epic frolic of love, hilarity, jumping into alternate universes, and happy endings." The quotes are from the press release. This reporter feels nauseous just repeating it.

Heigl and Heigl appeared at a press conference to announce the film. Most of those in attendance were entertainment reporters. The real ones were shaking their heads as the two women, totally identical in appearance, walked out on stage, arms around each other, as they strode to the podium. It was even impossible to tell who was this reality's Katherine and who was the other Katherine, as they were dressed alike. They stopped at the podium, did a lot of open mouthed kissing, hands all over each other. Entertainment reporters did a collective "awwwwwwww!" Real reporters shook their heads and wished they were elsewhere.

The Katherines finally came up for air and faced their audience, oblivious to the rolling eyes from the real reporters. "Hello!" one Katherine said.

"Welcome!" the other Katherine added.

 

"Which one of you is this reality's Katherine Heigl?" came a query from a real reporter.

"That's for us to know and for you to figure out," the second Katherine Heigl said. Both of them laughed.

The first Katherine Heigl brought things to attention. "Okay, seriously though. We're here to announce our newest project. When Katherine Met Katherine, starring us. Directed by us. Written by us. Produced by us. And people love us. Not quite as much as we love each other, isn't that right, baby?"

"You know it, spanky buns," the second Katherine Heigl replied, winking at her wife.

"And that's why we wanted to tell our epic love story," the first Katherine continued. "A heartwarming funny story about how two breathtaking babes, both being the same person but in two different realities, risked all to find each other... the one true love of their lives."

"And a studio is backing this?" this reporter asked, not really trying to hide the sarcasm in his voice.

"Of course they did," the second Katherine answered.

"We have blackmail material on the studio president," the first Katherine elaborated.

"And so it is that we're getting to tell our story our way," the second Katherine continued. 

"The epic romance, the fun, the laughter, and the sex," the first Katherine boasted.

"Baby, when you say the word sex, I get all hot and bothered," the second Katherine told her wife, groping and fondling her.

"Any more than me, sweetie pie?" the first Katherine asked. They made out some more. The entertainment reporters did more of the oohing and aahing. Real reporters felt like throwing up.

"If I might ask...." this reporter prompted. 

The two Katherines finally stopped making out. "What is it?" the second Katherine asked.

"Do you really think people are going to want to watch the two of you in a two hour romantic comedy, especially with your track record at the box office?" this reporter prompted. 

Both Katherines had the exact same expression at this point: icy daggers in their eyes, aimed squarely at this reporter.

"First of all, it's going to be a three hour movie," the first Katherine pointed out.

"The sex scenes alone will take up forty five minutes," the second Katherine said.

"And second, people love us," her wife affirmed. "If, in our respective universes, some films haven't made it where it counts at the box office... well, that's not our fault, that's someone else's fault."

"There's another thing," this reporter pointed out. 

"Why are you still speaking?" the second Katherine Heigl asked in an annoyed way.

"It should be obvious by now that we don't like you," the first Katherine added.

"My other question is about consequences," this reporter pointed out. "You two decided to muck around with entering other realities, regardless of what that might do. A lot of people have criticized you over the ethics of, well... whichever one of you crossed over from the other universe."

"Again, that's for us to know and for you to obsess about," the first Katherine answered.

"That's beside the point. The point is you pierced the walls between realities and risked the multiverse caving in and imploding just so you two could get together and get married and be exhibitionists," this reporter stated. "Isn't that selfish?"

"Selfish!" the second Katherine exclaimed.

"We're not selfish!" her wife insisted. 

"What we are is the greatest love story ever told," the second Katherine insisted. 

"We are each other's happy ending. Soul mates. Two halves of the other. Bound together across realities. Nothing could have ever kept us apart," the first Katherine declared. "We were meant to be together. And now we get the chance to share our love story with the world. It's going to be a film that will do great things at the box office. It's going to make you laugh and cry. And it's going to win Oscars."

"And we'll celebrate with some epic sex," the second Katherine promised.

"Just you wait and see," the first Katherine said. With that, they walked off stage, hands on each other's butts as they went, last seen getting all lip locked before disappearing behind the curtains.

This reporter sighed, wondering what kind of blackmail the Katherines could possibly have on a studio executive that could result in this nonsense getting greenlit.

Whatever it was, it couldn't possibly be good.

Baby Yoda Is Really A Sith Lord

I have an image blog today. Enjoy!

The Narcissists And The Curse

It has been quite some time since I last featured the world's most unusual marriage and the pair of narcissists making up the combination. And so here we have it.

Fate Of Show Still Up In The Air; Narcissistic Spouses Could Care Less

Toronto (CP) How long is too long for a television show? Some successful programs come to an end before they wear out their welcome. The common suggestion seems to indicate that seven seasons is a good spot to end, but all too often, with high ratings, studios pressure the production team and cast of a successful show to carry on, even after it has jumped the shark. This probably explains why Grey’s Anatomy is still on the air, airing its fifteenth season.

“It’s like this,” an anonymous source in ABC’s higher echelons confided. “Shonda Rhimes has some serious blackmail material on me. So Grey’s Anatomy stays on the air until she says it’s done, and not one moment earlier. If it was up to me, I’d have cancelled it seven seasons ago. Wait, you’re not going to publish that whole thing about the blackmail material, are you?”

The fate of one show, featuring an alumnus of Grey’s Anatomy, is still up in the air. Suits airs on the USA cable network, and is produced by Universal Cable. Filmed in Toronto, it follows a fictional New York law firm and is presently in its eighth season, with the second half of the season due to return in January. Ratings have declined, as one expects with a show that’s had cast turnover and has been on the air for a few years. Whether or not there will be a season nine remains a question mark. The show is most noted these days for a former cast member who left at the end of the seventh season. Meghan Markle went off to marry Prince Harry, and her character was written out.

Season Eight saw some changes, including the elevation of recurring cast members to regular status and the addition of a character played by a Grey’s cast member. Samantha Wheeler, a conniving attorney, is played by Katherine Heigl. And Katherine Heigl. No, this reporter did not just repeat himself. Two Katherine Heigls take turns playing the character.

Some time ago, the narcissistic actress underwent a strange quest. Heigl had been a running joke for many things: her domineering stage mother, her Grey’s time, a string of box office duds, and the failed series State Of Affairs, to the point where the phrase Heigl Curse had been coined for any project she came near. Heigl employed the services of former physics professor Doctor Otto von Frankenstein (no relation), a self-described expert in parallel realities. Frankenstein succeeded in breaching dimensional walls so that Heigl could find her one true love- herself.

The two Katherine Heigls have spent the last four years together, ignoring the stage mother of this reality’s Katherine Heigl, getting married in what they called the Wedding of the Millennium, engaging in public displays of affection and debauchery, fawning all over each other, and occasionally receiving citations for public nudity. They’ve even shared roles, playing Samantha Wheeler in turn. The fact that they look exactly alike helps considerably. Whether or not it endears them to the rest of the cast is a different matter.

Doctor Frankenstein, removed from his tenured post in Vienna for committing an act that breached all ethics of his profession, is apologetic these days. “I did warn her that if anything went wrong, reality could collapse in on itself, but she was more concerned with finding herself- literally- so she could have her way with herself.” The scientist seemed remorseful when reached by phone at his chalet in the Alps. “Look, it could have all been worse. My scans indicated a world where its Katherine Heigl had become all powerful and was worshiped as a goddess. That would be even worse than the multiverse collapsing in on itself, right?”

“It’s a spectacle,” one cast member admitted on set in Toronto, where filming for the second half of Season Eight continues. “The two of them are all over each other all the time. I mean, we’ve walked in on them, in flagrante delicto. I think they like being watched. On the one hand, okay, to each their own, but on the other hand, how about a little workplace professionalism?”

Another cast member, also speaking anonymously, seemed dismayed. “I can see why nobody over at Grey’s wants her… well, now it’s them… back on the show. I mean, yes, actors do tend to be self-absorbed, but this is on a scale that’s ridiculous.”

Canadian psychologist Ciara Derrick, a specialist in narcissism among the rich and famous, agrees. “Invariably actors, once they’ve become successful, tend to fall prey to the trap of ego. Often it becomes out of control. The classic case example is Tom Cruise, who has become, to use a clinical term, batshit crazy,” she told this reporter at her offices in Toronto. 

“Fortunately in the case of extreme egos, such as Mr. Cruise, or the Heigls, there are people in the industry who tend to keep serious narcissists from working on the same project. By the same token, studios make sure that none of them will ever work with Michael Bay. It’s about maintaining peace and good order on set- an entire safety protocol has been built into the industry for this sort of thing. They learned that in Hollywood the hard way after the Judy Garland and John Wayne fiasco of 1948.”

That is a reference to the failed movie musical Cowboys In Central Park, a project which MGM spent years trying to deny ever existed. Rumours to this day persist that in some forgotten corner of a warehouse, a film reel containing one day’s of shooting of the project may still be found. The film shoot came to a bad end on the fourth of February, 1948, when a Category Six Garland Tantrum met a Category Five Wayne Ego Taunt. Sixteen people died in the brawl between the stars that destroyed the set, and ever after, executives went out of their way to keep Garland and Wayne at least six miles apart at all times.

“Fortunately the Heigls are the exception,” Derrick confirmed. “Yes, both Katherine Heigls have rampant egos, but the fact that they are the same person, albeit from different dimensions, means that the two egos cancel each other out and they can live in harmony. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the two of them are exhibitionists who want to show off for the entire world.”

While executives at Universal Cable debate the notion of renewing the series in the face of failing ratings, the narcissists themselves had something to say. Katherine Heigl and Katherine Heigl emerged from their quarters on set, looking a bit disheveled after another round of horizontal tango, but each bearing delirious, self-satisfied smiles. The two walked over to a small group of reporters on set, arms around each other.

“We’ve been hearing the stories,” Katherine Heigl said. Which one she was- this reality or the alternate reality Katherine Heigl- went unexplained. They were both identically dressed, after all, letting their hands wander all over each other. Public displays of affection would be an understatement.

“Sure, maybe the ratings are down a bit, but it’s not our fault,” the other Katherine Heigl said with a shrug.

“That’s right,” her wife agreed. “People love us. Not as much as we love each other, but that’s beside the point.”

“And even if the show gets cancelled, that doesn’t matter. Because we’ve got each other,” Katherine Heigl said.

“And we’re the sexiest women alive,” the other Katherine Heigl noted.

“Every last square inch of us,” the first Katherine announced with a grin.

“Oh, sweetie sex goddess, are you as turned on as I am right now?” her wife inquired.

“More, my ravishing cutie pie!” the first Katherine Heigl replied. The Katherine Heigls started making out, wandered back to their quarters, and were soon engaged in among other things, loud, amorous screaming of each other’s names.

This reporter left, wondering why any studio would let the Katherine Heigls into any project. And by extension, this reporter felt profound sympathy for the citizens of a different reality- assuming Doctor Frankenstein’s notion of that aforementioned parallel reality was true. How could anyone live with themselves in a world where Katherine Heigl was a living goddess?