Vanity, Thy Name Is Katherine

Two Narcissists In Love Plan Bio-Pic Romantic Comedy, Those With Good Taste Sigh

Los Angeles (AP). It is a truth universally acknowledged that a narcissist in possession of fame must be in want of attention. That might be how Jane Austen would write it these days. 

There are some in the acting field who are reasonable people who don't really seek out much of the spotlight when they've become famous. These are the ones who are grounded and don't end up in the tabloids every week. The other ones are the ones who have Entertainment Tonight on speed dial, and who would go to the opening of an envelope if it meant they'd get their pictures in the paper walking down the red carpet.

Such as Katherine Heigl. Or, to be precise, both of them.

Several years ago, the former Grey's Anatomy star, who's made a career since then of slipping into series that get cancelled quickly, or into film roles she's not suited for, went way beyond the lines of narcissism. An actor who was known to be difficult to work with, Heigl had burned bridges and blamed everyone else for it, all while mysteriously still getting roles. It made one wonder what blackmail material she had over studio executives.

Heigl, dissatisfied with the state of her romantic life and deciding that the only person she could be happy with was herself, crossed all sorts of ethical boundaries and enlisted a scientist, Doctor Otto von Frankenstein (no relation) to help her find a Katherine Heigl from another reality, to be her one true soulmate.

And so it happened. In a process that put the space-time continuum at risk, Heigl found the woman who became her wife in another reality: that reality's Katherine Heigl, just as conceited, just as disdainful of others, and just as self absorbed. The two hit it off famously, got married, and have ever since been making a spectacle of themselves with public displays of affection that have gone way over the line as a matter of routine. 

This week they're back in the news, craving the spotlight, after an announcement of a new romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl and Katherine Heigl. When Katherine Met Katherine is being billed as an "autobiography of a sweet, loving romance between a famous woman and the person she can't do without- herself, from across realities. An epic frolic of love, hilarity, jumping into alternate universes, and happy endings." The quotes are from the press release. This reporter feels nauseous just repeating it.

Heigl and Heigl appeared at a press conference to announce the film. Most of those in attendance were entertainment reporters. The real ones were shaking their heads as the two women, totally identical in appearance, walked out on stage, arms around each other, as they strode to the podium. It was even impossible to tell who was this reality's Katherine and who was the other Katherine, as they were dressed alike. They stopped at the podium, did a lot of open mouthed kissing, hands all over each other. Entertainment reporters did a collective "awwwwwwww!" Real reporters shook their heads and wished they were elsewhere.

The Katherines finally came up for air and faced their audience, oblivious to the rolling eyes from the real reporters. "Hello!" one Katherine said.

"Welcome!" the other Katherine added.

 

"Which one of you is this reality's Katherine Heigl?" came a query from a real reporter.

"That's for us to know and for you to figure out," the second Katherine Heigl said. Both of them laughed.

The first Katherine Heigl brought things to attention. "Okay, seriously though. We're here to announce our newest project. When Katherine Met Katherine, starring us. Directed by us. Written by us. Produced by us. And people love us. Not quite as much as we love each other, isn't that right, baby?"

"You know it, spanky buns," the second Katherine Heigl replied, winking at her wife.

"And that's why we wanted to tell our epic love story," the first Katherine continued. "A heartwarming funny story about how two breathtaking babes, both being the same person but in two different realities, risked all to find each other... the one true love of their lives."

"And a studio is backing this?" this reporter asked, not really trying to hide the sarcasm in his voice.

"Of course they did," the second Katherine answered.

"We have blackmail material on the studio president," the first Katherine elaborated.

"And so it is that we're getting to tell our story our way," the second Katherine continued. 

"The epic romance, the fun, the laughter, and the sex," the first Katherine boasted.

"Baby, when you say the word sex, I get all hot and bothered," the second Katherine told her wife, groping and fondling her.

"Any more than me, sweetie pie?" the first Katherine asked. They made out some more. The entertainment reporters did more of the oohing and aahing. Real reporters felt like throwing up.

"If I might ask...." this reporter prompted. 

The two Katherines finally stopped making out. "What is it?" the second Katherine asked.

"Do you really think people are going to want to watch the two of you in a two hour romantic comedy, especially with your track record at the box office?" this reporter prompted. 

Both Katherines had the exact same expression at this point: icy daggers in their eyes, aimed squarely at this reporter.

"First of all, it's going to be a three hour movie," the first Katherine pointed out.

"The sex scenes alone will take up forty five minutes," the second Katherine said.

"And second, people love us," her wife affirmed. "If, in our respective universes, some films haven't made it where it counts at the box office... well, that's not our fault, that's someone else's fault."

"There's another thing," this reporter pointed out. 

"Why are you still speaking?" the second Katherine Heigl asked in an annoyed way.

"It should be obvious by now that we don't like you," the first Katherine added.

"My other question is about consequences," this reporter pointed out. "You two decided to muck around with entering other realities, regardless of what that might do. A lot of people have criticized you over the ethics of, well... whichever one of you crossed over from the other universe."

"Again, that's for us to know and for you to obsess about," the first Katherine answered.

"That's beside the point. The point is you pierced the walls between realities and risked the multiverse caving in and imploding just so you two could get together and get married and be exhibitionists," this reporter stated. "Isn't that selfish?"

"Selfish!" the second Katherine exclaimed.

"We're not selfish!" her wife insisted. 

"What we are is the greatest love story ever told," the second Katherine insisted. 

"We are each other's happy ending. Soul mates. Two halves of the other. Bound together across realities. Nothing could have ever kept us apart," the first Katherine declared. "We were meant to be together. And now we get the chance to share our love story with the world. It's going to be a film that will do great things at the box office. It's going to make you laugh and cry. And it's going to win Oscars."

"And we'll celebrate with some epic sex," the second Katherine promised.

"Just you wait and see," the first Katherine said. With that, they walked off stage, hands on each other's butts as they went, last seen getting all lip locked before disappearing behind the curtains.

This reporter sighed, wondering what kind of blackmail the Katherines could possibly have on a studio executive that could result in this nonsense getting greenlit.

Whatever it was, it couldn't possibly be good.