Revenge List Of A Narcissist

Okay, so before the election I wrote a post that shall go forever unpublished (Norma and a few other people have seen it), featuring Trump's epic temper tantrum when he lost. Obviously for some inexplicable reason, he didn't lose. After the election, well, let's just say I wrote a rant for myself, basically venting, which will also go unpublished. It contained a lot of curse words and would have ended up losing me at least a couple of readers.

I've written this lately though. It's Trump's revenge list. The first part of everyone he wants to get even with. Incidentally, writing in his voice still makes me nauseous. I'll try not to say I told you so when the time comes.

Okay, right? So I won, right? Won it fair and square and cheated like a bastard the whole time, right? Now it’s time to settle some scores, get even with a few people. Nothing too big. Just millions and millions of people. Losers, all of them. Losers! Big fat losers! So that’s what this is. This is my revenge list. The people I’m going to start gettin’ even with startin’ on day one of the Trump Presidency, which, by the way, is going to be the greatest, the most stupendous, the most amazing, the best ever presidency you ever saw, right? Lincoln? Washington? The Roosevelts? All losers compared to me. Because I’m the best, the greatest, the most stellar president ever. And I’ve got really big hands.

Where was I? Oh, right. My revenge list. And it’s gonna be great. All these people who for one reason or another ended up on this list? They’re gonna pay. They’re gonna pay big time. And this revenge list is gonna be the biggest and the best revenge list of all time. Richard Nixon has nothin’ on me!

By the way, it’s probably a good idea not to let anyone see this list. Part 1 of 483 716, in fact. It's a big list. Yuuuuuuuuuge!

So where do we begin? Well, in no particular order...

Crooked Hillary. Lock her up! Lock her up!

The Squirrel Faction

Obama and Michelle

Rosie O’Donnell. What a disgusting pig, let me tell you...

The Pope

Jon Stewart

Ellen De Generes

Zombie plot bunnies

Anyone around the world who ever thought it was a good idea to criticize my buddy Vladimir

Tim Russert. Sure, he’s dead, but I want that know it all no-nonsense punk punished anyway

Dogs and cats. Buncha fleabags, the lot of them

Alec Baldwin. Nobody mocks me and gets away with it.

Mexico. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringin’ crime, they’re rapists...

All those women who dared to accuse me of gropin’ them. Hey, I can grope anyone I want! I’m President Donald Trump! Soon to be Exalted Grand Emperor Donald!

Megyn Kelly. Bleedin’ outta her whatever...

Van Jones

John Oliver

The Queen

The blacks

Stephen Colbert

Angela Merkel

China

Vampires

The Jedi

Larry Willmore

Luxembourg. They know the reason why.

CNN, NBC, the New York Times, and the whole lamestream media that refuses to bow down to everything I say and hail me as their lord and master. I’m really gonna get even with those losers, believe me folks. Matter of fact, when I get my way, I’m gonna just have Trump News, the Enquirer, and Breitbart as the only legal news outlets.

Those ex-wives of mine. Soon to be followed by the current one, just as quick as I can find another bimbo from eastern Europe to be the next trophy wife

Tree huggin’ environmentalists

Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair

The Bush family

Trevor Noah

The ACLU

Muslims

Bill Nye the Science Guy. That De Grasse Tyson guy too. We can’t have reasonable well informed experts tellin’ anyone the truth, after all.

Lyin’ Ted. I mean, seriously, folks, the man’s father practically killed JFK, I read it in the Enquirer, and that’s the only paper that matters to me, believe me, believe me...

Bill Maher

The Illuminati

Canada

The UN

PBS

Ivanka

Ferris Bueller. Just because. Smart aleck punk, who’s he think he is?

That therapist who once told me I’m a class A narcissistic sociopath with a terminal self love complex. Hey! I don’t need to jerk off! I’ve got people who’ll jerk me off on command!

That heavy metal drummer. Costs me thousands of votes and puts supporters of mine in jail after beatin’ them up, and he thinks he can get away with it?

While we’re at it, we’re gonna just change the way music’s heard. All Ted Nugent, all the time. Nothin’ else. If Ted’s good for me, he’s good for everyone. Everybody else can go **** themselves. There’s not gonna be any Beyonce serenadin’ the Obamas ever again.

Bruce Springsteen. Born in the U.S.A. my ass. He was born in Canada! He’s got worthless communist socialist maple syrup guzzlin’ tree hugger written all over him! I demand to see the birth certificate! Lock him up! Lock him up!

Every single person who ever mocked my great outstanding hair and my hands. My hair is real and my hands are yuuuuuuuuuuuuuge! Just as yuuuuuuuuuuuuuge as my Trump schlong!

My eighth grade teacher, Mr. Reading, who gave me detention for calling him an asshole. I’m really gonna get even with him, believe me, folks...

Grumpy Cat. Nobody outfrowns me!

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

"World domination is mine! All the lowly humans now bow to me! For I am Fluffy! Destroyer of Worlds!" ~ Fluffy, Destroyer Of Worlds 

7:30 AM. Waking up time. Dreamed of chasing squirrels. Annoying bastards. All they ever do is run up trees and chatter away in that evil high pitched yelping thing they do, as if they're outraged at being chased.

7:35 AM. Coming upstairs. Finding human still asleep. Sit at her bedside. Feeling hungry. Come on, I haven't had breakfast yet.

7:45 AM. Okay, that's enough. Bark twice. Human sits up in bed, growling about alarm clocks. Whatever those are.

7:55 AM. Human lets me out the back door for my morning run. Oh, boy! Run run run! Off to the back forty to race around in circles. And maybe find a mud puddle to roll in if I'm lucky.

8:40 AM. Heading back home. No mud puddles as of yet. It didn't rain last night. Oh well. Stopped at fence of neighbour's farm. Barked at horse. Horse glared at me.

8:55 AM. Back at house. Human has breakfast waiting for me. Kibbles are so yummy first thing in the day.

8:56 AM. Finished breakfast. Mused briefly in between bites about how the food might taste better if I didn't just eat it all at once like this. Decided that's just silly. Who has the patience to just eat a bit at a time?

9:10 AM. Human asks me to roll over. Oh, no. Not the tricks.

9:15 AM. I keep staring at human while she keeps asking me to roll over. Dear human, I love you a lot, but I'm not a circus performer.

9:17 AM. Human resorts to bribery, brings out dog biscuits. Oh, boy! My favourite! I'll roll over for those!

9:20 AM. Chasing ball for human. She has me bring it back. She's videotaping me for some reason. Anything for dog biscuits. I can't help myself, I'm addicted to dog biscuits. Yum yum.

1:45 PM. Human off doing chores outside. Wondering when afternoon tea will start. Always good at mooching cookies during tea. I suspect human doesn't mind letting me mooch.

2:20 PM. Television news is on in living room. Anchor talking about elections. Where's a good dog story when you need one? 

2:35 PM. Coverage of candidate with strange name at a campaign stop. First thought: what kind of name is Mitt? A mitt is something we dogs like to chew on.

2:40 PM. Pleasantly surprised. Governor Mitt gets chased up a tree during live coverage by a poodle. Poodle barks and barks at Mitt, who looks like he's crying and quaking in fear. Only right, considering this guy used to bring his dog up to the cottage on the roof of his car, after all....

3:10 PM. Human comes inside. Calls me out for walkies. Oh boy! My favourite time of the day!

3:45 PM. Spotting rabbit while out on walk with human. Must chase rabbit. Human loses my leash as I bolt.  

3:46 PM. Operation Chase The Rabbit ends when rabbit makes it to a hole. Next time, rabbit, next time. Human comes up while I'm barking, asking why she just didn't get a turtle.

4:15 PM. Back in at last. Human starts making afternoon tea. Takes out some cookies. Try my forelorn gaze on her. She gives me cookies. Yummy yummy yummy.

6:45 PM. Dinner time. Human gives me kibbles and canned meat. Yum yum yum. I'm so lucky to be a dog.

10:55 PM. Human talks about calling it quits for the night. Hey, wait a minute. We haven't watched Jon Stewart yet.

Human? Human?

Human has turned off lights and gone upstairs. Oh well.

And here I wanted to see him talk about Governor Mitt getting chased up a tree by a poodle.