Fall of the House of Murdoch

Kill MacGyver.

Shoot MacGyver.

Stab MacGyver.

Blow up MacGyver.

Strangle MacGyver.

Burn MacGyver at the stake.

Drown MacGyver in Puget Sound.

Stuff MacGyver in an incinerator.

Ask MacGyver how a do-gooder meddling troubleshooter secret agent always manages to get out of my traps with a paper clip and a tube of toothpaste. It's really, really, really, annoying.

Did I mention killing MacGyver?

Work on finding inner peace.

~ from Murdocs' bucket list of things to do before he dies

I said Murdoch, not Murdoc! Come on, weren't you paying attention in the title?

Obviously the last few days have been pretty hard on one Rupert Murdoch. The hacking scandal that led to his shuttering the News of the World and appearing before a Parliamentary committee in London has picked up steam. His business ventures have come to screeching halts or are on hold, arrests have been made, resignations have been tendered, accusations have been made, and it doesn't appear to be letting up.

Murdoch's built a media empire on tabloids, right wing slants, and apparently little in the way of ethics. For all his attempts to pass the buck on and claim he had no idea what was going on and that phone hacking into the accounts of murder and terrorism victims went unknown by him... come on. Does this guy strike anyone as the sort who wouldn't know that was going on?

Murdoch appeared with his son to take questions, while his wife (half his age, what does that say about him?) lingered behind him, looking cross and pissed off at what I'm sure she considered to be lower beings daring to have the audacity to speak to Supremor Rupert the First. That is, when Wendi wasn't busy fighting off a spectator with a foam pie. Son James, for his part, came off as incompetent. And Rupert himself? Like a very old man, cornered and cranky because the peasants weren't giving him the respect he believes he's due.

I've long held the opinion that the man's crazy (though not in the sense that it absolves him of his actions), and a paranoid, cantankerous megalomaniac at that. Rumor has it that when Jonathan Pryce played a media baron villain in Tomorrow Never Dies that he was basically just channelling Rupert, after all...

What do you suppose it is about him that turned him into the way he is? I suspect it starts with being named Rupert. Come on, anyone named Rupert will, at some point in their life, feel the urge to become a megalomaniacal supervillain (Rupert Giles being the exception, of course). Saddle a kid with that name, and I assure you, a few decades down the line they'll be gleefully kicking puppies, stealing money from orphans, and establishing far right news networks with the added joke of being fair and balanced.

Is it the end of the line for Rupert Murdoch? Between this growing scandal and the fact that the old boy just sold Myspace for a fraction of the hundreds of millions he bought it for, you might think he's finally passing the point of senility. At the very least, he's having a very bad year.

Maybe he just needs to get back with friends who understand him. 

As for his wife Wendi, she's already shown how capable she can be in the role of over-protective bodyguard. If she winds up causing a problem as the story develops, well, we'll just have to see to it that the worlds' most resourceful operative is sent after her. All he needs to do the job are a clotheshanger, bubble gum, soda pop, and a battery.

The Wretchedly Horrible Death Of A Lab Assistant

Know It All Blowhard Dooms Best Friend To Grisly Death

Fox News consultant, writer, and self described genius Keith Jarrett, author of the books I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom and the ill fated Duck And Cover, The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All, summoned reporters to a press conference today at a facility outside New York.

"Thank you for coming," Jarrett told the reporters, accompanied by a rather dim-looking man he introduced as his good friend Billy Bob. "I'm announcing a major breakthrough in medical research, one that will surely win me the Nobel for medicine. And when I publish my findings, the resulting paper will be surely so compelling that it'll win me the Pulitzer for literature too."

The assembly of reporters, who were more interested in the ongoing world crisis surrounding the Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson, seemed impatient. "What's on your mind, Mr. Jarrett?" a Reuters reporter inquired.

"I'll get to that. And it's Doctor Jarrett. I did graduate from the Jarrett University with a PhD, after all. Ladies and gentlemen, recently I borrowed a sample of pathogen from a highly secure medical research facility..."

"By borrowed, do you mean stole?" another reporter asked.

"Semantics! Which, incidentally, I go into great detail on in chapter 5678 in my tome I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom. Now, pay attention." At this point, he removed a medical syringe from a case. "Billy Bob here is patient zero for my experiment. I will cure Billy Bob through a rigorous treatment of herbal teas, homeopathic remedies, and singing Kumbayah around a campfire. No need for pharmaceutical companies to get involved when you've got the soon to be patented Jarrett treatment." The reporters eyed Jarrett nervously; the well-known blowhard seemed oblivious.

Billy Bob, for his part, appeared confused as Jarrett prepped his arm with a swab of alcohol-dabbed cotton. "Hey, dude, when do I get my case of beer?"

"Soon, Billy Bob, soon. Now, then, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll watch carefully, I'm about to inject the pathogen into my good friend here..."

"What is that?" this reporter asked, as Jarrett pricked the needle into Billy Bob's upper arm. Billy Bob appeared to be used to needles.

"Nothing much. Just the Ebola virus," Jarrett replied cheerfully as he injected the contents into Billy Bob. The reporters took a big step back.

"The Ebola virus? Are you insane?" This question came from a reporter with the New York Times.

"Nothing to be worried about, just a typical disease," Jarrett assured everyone, oblivious.

"Mr. Jarrett..."

"Doctor Jarrett."

"The Ebola Virus is one of the most dangerous viruses ever known," the Reuters reporter insisted, a fact known to the rest of the reporters on the scene. " If not the most dangerous one. It's got a fatality rate of 90% at its most virulent. It eats the body from the inside out. The patient dies within days, in horrendous pain. It's about the worst way I can think of for anyone to die. There's no cure! The CDC and every other virus research lab have been looking for decades!"

Jarrett looked confused. "Are you sure?"

"I've seen the dead from outbreaks myself! Believe me, it's a horrible way to die," the Reuters correspondant answered.

Jarrett looked over at Billy Bob, who seemed even more confused. "Well, I.... that is... You're certain herbal teas won't help?"

The Reuters correspondant appeared exasperated. "What did you think the ebola virus was?"

"The one that makes you laugh."

Charges are now pending for Jarrett for breaking and entering. Billy Bob has been taken into quarantine by the CDC, and isn't expected to last long. The virus is already working its way through his body, eating the inner organs and the blood. Best estimates are he'll be dead within the week.

Jarrett, meanwhile, is busy cancelling print runs of his new book How To Cure Ebola.

Ten Minutes In The Life Of Fox News

Good afternoon, I'm Joe Wright, and welcome to Fox News, your fair and balanced news channel, where our Glorious Leader continues his noble quest of overthrowing the evil one we call "President" Obama.

Negotiations continue to liberate the future President, Sarah Palin, who is being unfairly held in custody, still in her giant size, after her misadventure trashing Washington DC several weeks ago. Empress Sarah, as we like to call her here at Fox, was tricked by an evil, evil Canadian Commie Pinko Mountie named Lars Ulrich, and defeated in battle. Her husband Todd had this to say to our reporters.

We're all waitin' and prayin' for Sarah to get back home as soon as she can, because, well, I can't handle all these kids myself, you know, and... come to think of it, what do I actually do for a living? Bristol! Stop flirting with that pool boy! Willow! Will you get off the phone? Daddy's talking to his good buddies at Fox! Trip! Trip! Oh, damn it, somebody go get Trip! He's playin' with the grizzly again! Where was I? Oh, right! Yes, we're waitin' for Sarah to be released from unlawful custody, 'cause she's got to get busy runnin' for President in a couple years. Besides, we've got another reality show to do beforehand. Yep, I'll tell you, launching a bid for the big job by usin' a hokey TV format is really really dignified. Like my old Uncle Jeb used to say, before he got frozen to death in the winter of 78...

We'll get back to you, Todd. You were drifting there.

The Republican Party is infuriated by the detaining of Future President Empress Sarah. At least the members of the Party that matter to Fox News. We'll just ignore the mainstream members of the party and concentrate on everyone who agrees with us. The Evil One, "President" Obama, had this to say about the detaining of our Empress.

Look, the reality is this woman turned herself into a giant, stomped about, and did incredible damage to the architecture and institutions of this city. It's a miracle no one was killed. Real people live here. Real lives are carried out here. And becoming a giant and obliterating everything in her path just because she thought it would play well with her Tea Party base does not excuse her actions. She must be held accountable.

Reached for comment, grand sage Rush Limbaugh guffawed at the "President's" remarks.

You know, my friends, this is typical liberal tactics. They demonize our greatest voices. They've got my good friend Glenn Beck hidden away in that Narnia place, framed by a talking lion. Now they've got Sarah detained and aren't doing anything to get her shrunk down to smaller size! Well, I've had it! This is the same government who called in a socialist from north of the border to do battle with her! They humiliated her using a red Mountie! Red as in commies! That's right! This is the same Commie cop they called in to solve that Muppet murder! Well, what do you expect from a government that supports socialist shows like Sesame Street? They can't even hire one of their own to solve a case! Look, this is what we do. I want all of my loyal listeners out there to get their torches and pitchforks and...

Whoa, slow down there, Rush. Wait for Operation Overthrow Democracy in 2013.

In a related story, the evil, evil Mountie responsible for the defeat of Empress Sarah is on the case in the recent escape of the Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson. Johnson, you'll recall, murdered Elmo, framed Grover, and nearly got away with it. Johnson was recently convicted and sent to federal prison in the west, but his plane crashed across the border in that Godless wasteland of Canada. Of the prisoners on board, only Mr. Johnson is unaccounted for. Our reporters caught up with the evil, evil Mountie, Lars Ulrich.


Listen, you bloody idiot, I've got real work to do. I've got a dangerous fugitive to hunt down. I don't have time for any moronic reporters to ask me why I'm not on tour with the rest of the band.


As you can see, the evil, evil Mountie then hit our reporter. And you wonder why we hate Canada. Well, not all Canadians. There are a few we like, as long as they march in lockstep with us. Deputy Prime Minister John Baird has been filling in for Prime Minister Harper during his recent rampage while giant sized. He spoke to us earlier.

The Prime Minister remains in full command of the cabinet, despite his unfortunate rampage some weeks ago. We're quickly working to remedy his gigantic size so that he can come back to work. We've got a lot of work to do, slipping our Removal Of Citizens' Rights And Freedoms secret agenda pushed through Parliament. And if those idiots in Opposition give us a problem, we'll just have Parliament prorogued again. Or we'll have the Opposition arrested. Wait, did I say that out loud?

We won't tell anyone. Joining us by satellite is our roving consultant, Keith Jarrett, author of I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom. He's out with a new book. Hello, Keith.

Hi, Joe.

Tell us about the new book.

I'm calling it, "Duck And Cover, The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All." You know, we've got to get serious about these terrorists before they...

Keith, sorry to interrupt here, but the Buddhists aren't terrorists. Not the last time I checked. They're actually mostly peaceful people.

They are?

The Dalai Lama is a Buddhist.

He is?

The last time I looked it up, yes. You know, maybe you should have researched this first.

Oh my god... no!!!! I printed up a million copies of the book on my own dime, and now you're telling me it's a mistake????

Keith? Keith? Someone over there on the other end give him a hand. Looks like he's hyper... excuse me? Sorry? One moment, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Murdoch, our Glorious Leader wants to speak to me.

Joe?

Lord Rupert, Dark Lord of the Abyss, I bow to you, o fearsome one! What an honor it is to...

Shut the fuck up! How dare you! I just saw that, and how dare you suggest we at Fox research anything, by crikey! Now you listen to me and you listen good! Those gullible twits who tune into us think that...

Lord Rupert, we're live on the air.

We are? Damn it all to...

Lord Rupert? Master? Um, we've lost Lord Rupert. Finally, author, sage, and dominatrix Ann Coulter was heckled out of yet another speech at yet another university by yet more commie pinko students with no time on their hands. In the opinion of this anchor, those kids need a good tasering. Mistress Coulter had this to say, when our cameras found her staring at herself in the mirror.

Oh, yes, you are the most beautiful and captivating of them all. Yes, you are. If I could only find a way to clone myself I would take myself to dinner, get both of myself drunk and have my way with myself... oh! You're already here. Yes, those idiot Godless liberal brats think they can heckle me out of their Godless liberal universities? Think again!

Stay tuned to Fox News, your fair and balanced news channel. Coming up on the O'Reilly Factor, Bill tortures some liberals.