The Curse Of The Changing Clocks

For many of us in North America, this weekend marks the time to switch over to daylight saving time, lose a perfectly good hour's sleep, and contemplate cold blooded murder of the bastard who invented it. It's too late for that, incidentally- it was a British scientist by the name of George Hudson, and he died in 1946. No mention if he was deservedly strangled to death by someone who hated daylight saving time as much as the rest of us. Oh, well.  

Murder Can Be A Badly Timed Business

Mysterious Murder Under Investigation; Suspicions Fall On Millions

New York (AP) A dramatic murder investigation is underway in the heart of the Big Apple, after one of the city’s biggest landmarks became a crime scene. Times Square, the commercial intersection serving as ground zero for thousands of revellers on New Year’s Eve, is now closed off during a police crime scene investigation, after what police describe as a scene out of the introduction to the television show Blindspot, which featured Times Square becoming a crime scene because of the dumping of a live person.

The body of a lone man, shot in the chest 23 times, was dumped in the Square in the early hours of Friday morning, at some point between two thirty and two forty five. “We’ve been combing traffic cams,” NYPD spokesperson Callie Evers told reporters. “That time of night, the square’s not as busy as during the day, obviously, but no one saw how the body arrived. We can confirm however that the victim has been positively identified. Um, his name is... his name is Daylight Saving Time.”

An odd name, to say the least. Time legally changed his name four years ago from his previous name, Edgar Wallace Kazowski. The fifty four year old electrician, described by friends as “a social drinker” lost a bet on a Rangers hockey game and was legally obliged to change his name to whatever the winner chose. “I was the one who won the bet,” his cousin Harry Kazowski confirmed to reporters at his home on Staten Island, seeming distraught. “I mean, I’m a Devils fan, big time, and he was a Rangers fan. We made this crazy bet over one lousy game, and he lost. I knew how much he hated changing the clocks twice a year, so it seemed natural to make him change his name to Daylight Saving Time. We were always messin’ around and pulling jokes on each other, but come on, if I’d known his name mighta gotten him killed, I’d have never gone through with it.”

While police continue their investigation, experts have already weighed in on the case. Criminal psychologist Elizabeth Lamont mused on the specifics of the killing from her offices at Columbia University. “Shot in the chest twenty three times. That is significant. We lose an hour out of our twenty four hour day when we set our clocks back each year, which on a side note, is rather irritating. Hence twenty three bullets, twenty three hours. What I believe we’re looking at is someone with a particular hatred of daylight saving time. An obsessive hatred that runs so deep that they would kill someone by that name. I’m sure the police have already considered that, but if they want a consult, I’d love to help. Writing up a profile on this killer would give me enough material for my next book. I’m thinking of calling it Temporal Homicide: Sex And Death In The Big City. Isn’t that a great title?”

Columbia physics professor Albert Wentworth, known to his colleagues as Buzzkill, had his own take when reporters started to ask about Daylight Saving Time. “Look, I get it. It’s frustrating, it’s irritating, it’s outdated, it’s a nuisance having to change your clocks every few months. Back and forth. And it’s not like we ever gain back that one hour of lost sleep. We just spend a week in a daze as we go through our daily routine, thinking we’re off by an hour, which we are. Anyway, there’s nothing we can do about it but complain. Daylight Saving Time is here to stay...” Reporters interrupted him, telling him about the murder. He paused for a long moment. “What are you asking me for about a murder? Dammit, man, I’m a scientist, not a detective! Come back to me when you want my opinion on temporal theory or the bending of light.”

Millions of people might well be suspects. Daylight Saving Time is used in places across the world, with exceptions here and there, and there are always complaints and grumbles from every corner when it comes time to yet again lose that hour every year. “It might be easier to compile a list of everyone who didn’t have reason to hate Daylight Saving Time,” Larry King quipped. “I mean, I’d be on the other list, I can’t stand Daylight Saving Time, and I’m kind of retired.”

 One person is already in the clear, though simply because she is currently incarcerated in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, awaiting trial on multiple murder charges. Renowned mystery writer Jessica Fletcher, the infamous and prolific serial killer who stands accused of potentially thousands of murders over decades, spoke to this reporter by phone from the detention facility that currently serves as her residence. “Someone actually killed a person by that name? And dumped their body in Times Square? And nobody saw it? Sounds like the sort of thing I’d commit, I mean, that I’d write, if I wasn’t stuck in this cell. But I won’t be here long. I’ll get out. And when I do, I’ll get even with that insufferable Mountie who arrested me.”

The last word in the case belongs to the aforementioned Mountie. The world’s most fearsome lawman, RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, who arrested Fletcher for murder, has often been mistaken for another Lars Ulrich, who happens to play the drums for Metallica when not yelling at people to speak up. Ulrich the lawman was reached for comment by phone at his detachment in the Alberta foothills. Reassured by this reporter that he was fully aware that the inspector was not that Lars Ulrich, the Mountie confirmed that he was aware of the murder case in New York. “It’s a hell of a thing,” he said in that gritty, cranky way that has driven many an entertainment reporter to run for their lives. “Most people hate Daylight Saving Time. Narrowing down a suspect list might be next to impossible.” When asked what he thought of Daylight Saving Time, the Inspector replied, “To borrow a phrase from Tolkien... Daylight Saving Time was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be cast back into the fiery chasm from where it came.”

Indiana Jones And The Missing Hour

It's that time of year again for many of us, time to change the clocks for yet another pointless go at Daylight Savings Time. As such, I've put together images for the occasion.

Never Go Against A Sicilian When Death Is On The Line

Before getting started, some business to see to. Take a look over at our joint blog for a Without A Word blog playing with the theme of a wedding disaster. Go on over to Norma's blog, where she has some news. And have a peek over at Gina Adams' blog, where I wrote a guest post about the ghost in my house.... that happens to have good taste in music.

Now then, I've been thinking of doing this for awhile, so I decided to start with this. Every once in awhile, I'll be writing reviews of classic movies. That might mean golden era movies... or more recent movies. In this case, I'm starting with one of my all time personal favourites. Odds are many of my readers will count this one as a personal favourite too.

“He didn’t fall??? Inconceivable!” ~ Vizzini

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” ~ Inigo Montoya

“You never said anything about killing anyone.” ~ Fezzik

“I’ve hired you to help me start a war. It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.” ~ Vizzini

“We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.” ~ Fezzik

“You mean you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my sword and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?” ~ The Man In Black

“You can’t hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, with a thousand swords.” ~ Buttercup

“You’ve done nothing but study sword play?” ~ The Man In Black

“More pursue than study lately. You see, I cannot find him. It’s been more than twenty years now and I’m starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There’s not a lot of money in revenge.” ~ Inigo

“I will go up to the six fingered man and say, Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” ~ Inigo

A sick grandson (an impossibly young Fred Savage) gets a visit from his grandfather (Peter Falk) at home, the framing sequence for the 1987 classic The Princess Bride. His grandfather, as curmudgeonly as you’d expect from the late great Falk, has a book to read to him, one that includes fighting, fencing, giants, pirates, escapes, true love… and some kissing. And so the boy and the audience are swept up in the fairy tale story by director Rob Reiner and writer William Goldman, who adapted his novel.

We meet the fair maiden Buttercup (Robin Wright) on her farm in the land of Florin, where her greatest pleasure is tormenting the farmboy Westley (Cary Elwes). At least until she realizes she’s fallen in love with him. He goes off to seek his fortune, and word reaches her that he was on a ship attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts and killed. Buttercup vows to never love again.

Five years later, Buttercup is engaged to Prince Humperdinck (Chris Sarandon), who on the surface looks the part of the charming prince but is really a jerk. She falls into the hands of three kidnappers, the Sicilian Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), the swordsman Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin) and the giant Fezzik (Andre The Giant). Vizzini is the nefarious one of the trio, out to start a war. Inigo works to pay the bills, more interested in getting revenge for the death of his father. And as much of a wall of muscle as Fezzik is, we quickly see he doesn’t like the idea of killing, and is in fact a warm and reasonable giant. They set off by boat, but someone is following them, a mysterious man in black who must face the sword, strength, and wits of the trio. It’s the start of a journey that will take the characters up the Cliffs of Insanity, through fire swamps, past rodents of unusual size, and into the Pit of Despair, with a nice stop off for an MLT: mutton, lettuce and tomato.

The Princess Bride has built up a tremendous following in the years since it was first released. It gives us a fairy tale with some modern sensibilities in the writing, and Goldman’s script preserves the wit, intelligence, and wonderful humour of the book. Wisely in using the narrative framing of the grandfather and grandson to periodically interrupt the story, it allows the audience to tweak the conventions of the fairy tale. The film respects those conventions at the same time as it turns them on their side, so to speak, through the rest of the story. We have the story of true love conquering all (and that true love comes across as genuine) set against dark threats, a cruel prince, and a treacherous count. We have story elements like magic, revelations, beasts, trickery, swordplay, happy ever after, and more, all essential elements of the fairy tale genre. And Goldman’s script is written in a way that can appeal to all ages. Kids will come away watching it in one way and love it. Adults will get so much pleasure out of it. It’s smart, and it doesn’t mind being smart; this is a welcome thing in a current day when so many films seem to cater to stupidity. This film might well be the most quotable film of all time; it wouldn’t surprise me if there are plenty of people who can quote every line of the movie.

Rob Reiner the director is known for comedies that rely on intelligence and strong characterization. It’s hard to decide if this is the better film, or if When Harry Met Sally tops it, in his works. Maybe they’re both tied firmly in first place. He made this film, assembling a production crew that made the setting feel very grounded in another time. The castle, the towns, the countryside all feel like they’re drawn out of the past, yet very liveable places. The attention to detail is all there, from sets to costuming to makeup. Particularly with the latter to making two very funny comedians look completely unrecognizable. The music comes from rocker Mark Knopfler, who occasionally composes movie scores, and has a style that sounds both very much like his style and yet perfectly in keeping with the theme. And the fighting and fencing choreography in portions of the film works very well, so they had expertise on hand in this department. Inigo features in both of the major fencing sequences, and in the first, the scene is one of two master swordsmen, bantering about schools of fencing while they duel, showing great respect for each other. Every moment of those duels feels thrilling, and is filled with meaning.

The casting is key to making this film work so beautifully. Chris Sarandon had the looks of what you’d expect a prince to look like- dashing and handsome, and he inhabits the part very well indeed, conveying the treachery, deviousness, and pettiness of Prince Humperdinck’s character. Christopher Guest has a marvellous turn as his right hand man, Count Rugen, seemingly polite and yet all too eager to try out his latest torture device. There’s an arrogance and treacherousness to him, and a cowardice as well. Both are wonderful parts for the actors to play, and the audience can’t help but love to hate them.

Supporting characters abound here. Peter Falk is wonderful as the grandfather, sparring with his grandson as he tells the story, admonishing him that someday he might not mind the kissing scenes so much. Peter Cook does a brief cameo as the Impressive Clergyman, whose speech impediments would drive one to distraction. The late Mel Smith, a British comedian who I was also familiar with for a turn in the 90s version of Twelfth Night, has a good cameo as Rugen’s henchman, The Albino. And Billy Crystal and Carol Kane are hilarious as the wizard and witch Miracle Max and Valerie, two long married bickering souls who are unrecognizable under the makeup. They rant and roar, yell incessantly, are completely delightful, and Crystal gets some of the best lines of the film in his interactions with Inigo and Fezzik (“It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead.”).

The trio of ne’er do wells start out as kidnappers, and the casting is ideal in each case. Wallace Shawn as Vizzini is wonderfully cast as the grouchy boss of the trio, utterly convinced of his own genius and all too willing to overuse the word inconceivable. He’s prone to blowing his stack and making threats, even to a giant much bigger than him. The late Andre The Giant’s performance as Fezzik is a revelation: here we have a character who’s basically a walking mountain, capable of great strength, used to fighting gangs, and yet the character at heart is gentle and considerate, prone to rhyme (some of the time). There is a tremendous warmth in Andre’s performance. Mandy Patinkin as Inigo is one of the treats of the film. We get to like him very quickly, even before we learn about the death of his father. There’s a warmth and sympathy to him, a mixture of fierce determination and a sense of humour in the performance. We understand what drives him, and we root for him to have his revenge.

It is the two leads who are the heart of the film. Robin Wright is our Princess Buttercup (only in a film like this could we have a heroine named Buttercup). She is the damsel in distress of the story, but she brings defiance to the role. She plays the character to have her own mind, and perhaps wounds Humperdinck the hardest with some pivotal verbal barbs at the right moment. We feel sympathy for her from the start when she believes she has lost the love of her life, and we can’t help but root for her as the story goes on. Cary Elwes plays Westley as he shifts through time, becoming the dashing lead. We have to believe him to be a resourceful, courageous, and clever man, utterly determined, and Elwes delivers. He brings a sarcastic charm to the part, an ideal choice for the role.

The Princess Bride remains a classic today. There is no slow moment to it, no false step. The characters are wonderfully rendered, there’s such a rich sense of humor to it, and the story flows quickly, and is filled with smart dialogue. We can’t help but get drawn into this fairy tale, to love the characters, and every time we go back to it, the story remains fresh and inviting. I never get tired of it.

If you’re one of the few people left on Earth who haven’t seen this, what’s keeping you? If you have, who’s your favourite character? What’s your favourite line?