The Egomaniac Comes To Riverdale

Self Absorbed Director Announces New Comic Books Film Adaptation; Fans Outraged

Los Angeles (AP) Reporters were summoned this week to the offices of Digital Domain, home to director Michael Bay, who has unleashed the Transformers franchise on the world, as well as Pearl Harbor and Armageddon. The director, prone to filling his films with explosions, loud noise, more explosions, babes waxing cars, and even more explosions, has been announcing many new projects over the last couple of years, leaving one wondering when the whole lot will ever be done.

Real reporters were among the crowd, doomed to be here for one reason or another, often because of their vindictive editors, wretched fiends who have no... (editor: hey! Don’t you even get started, you hear me? I have every reason to despise you!) Entertainment reporters were mixed in as well, outnumbering the real reporters. Entertainment reporters were gushing with anticipation, wondering what their hero might have to say. The real reporters were rolling their eyes in anticipation of whatever the blowhard egomaniac might have to say.

All of us were gathered in the usual auditorium on the premises, with the buzz of the dementedly stupid entertainment reporters filling the space. The stage had its usual podium in place, with a full length mirror in place beside it. A spokeswoman finally came out, announcing the arrival of her boss. And out he came. Michael Bay was smiling in his deliriously gleeful way, rather like a deer in the headlights. He was dressed in his usual style- blue jeans, denim shirt, and casual blazer. And as always, his hair was dishevelled and he had three or four days of stubble on his face.

Bay strode out onto the stage, waving. The entertainment reporters applauded wildly. The real reporters collectively rolled their eyes and sighed with dismay. The director grinned and laughed, pointed at some of the crowd, and walked up to the podium. He took in a good look at his reflection in the mirror, smiled again, and then faced the crowd.

“Hello!” Bay called out in that overly cheerful totally in love with himself way. “How wonderful of you all to come. But of course you’d want to come, wouldn’t you? Because everyone wants to know what great project I have in mind for my next film, right? Of course right. Because I’m the greatest film director ever.” He laughed again, oblivious to those real reporters who were repeatedly rolling their eyes. Just how stupid was he? That was a question that couldn’t be answered- but needless to say, Bay is really dumb (editor: hey! Stop insulting Michael Bay! I love his films!)

This reporter, doomed by a cranky editor to pointless assignments like this, simply because his cranky editor was born cranky and it just got worse from there (editor: hey! Shut up or I’ll send you to somewhere with a raging Ebola outbreak!) This reporter, stuck here regardless, settled in for the long haul of putting up with the self absorbed ramblings of a halfwit hack of a director (editor: what did I just tell you?).

Bay smiled and got to the point. “You know, I’ve done a lot of great, great work over the years. Big films, epic stories, lots of explosions, babes, Aerosmith theme songs, and more explosions. For some reason the Oscars haven’t given me my due yet, but that’s just a matter of time. You know, when I look at my film history, there’s something I really haven’t done. Not really- I mean, sure, the Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have had comics done, but basically those started out as toys. I haven’t really done a comic book adaptation into film.”

He shrugged. “And comic book adaptations have become really big business as of late. And I’m really well suited for that sort of film. Now I had been going around to Marvel to see if they’d let me direct one of their big franchise films. They told me to go to hell. Seems they didn’t like the idea of me recasting Captain America with Shia LaBeouf for some reason. I don’t know why, I mean, can’t you see Shia wielding that shield and yelling Revengers Assemble?”

“Are you aware it’s the Avengers, not the Revengers?” one reporter asked.

Bay looked confused. “There’s a difference? That doesn’t matter. Marvel wouldn’t do business with me. It’s annoying, but hey, they don’t recognize a sure thing when they see it, that’s their problem, not mine. Anyway, so I went to DC. It seems they don’t want anything to do with me either. Hell, if they’re too short sighted to recognize true genius when they see it, that’s their loss. Anyway, I considered talking to Image about adapting one of their works, but seriously, who cares less about Spawn? Except Todd McFarlane, and if you ask me, that guy has an ego problem. Totally narcissistic, totally in love with himself, totally oblivious to reality.”

This reporter spoke up. “Has it occurred to you that might apply to you?”

Bay seemed puzzled. “What? I’m humble and modest. Isn’t it obvious?” He looked at himself in the mirror again, nodded to himself, and smiled. Then he continued. “And then I realized what comics world I wanted to adapt in a movie. An epic movie with babes waxing cars and explosions and Aerosmith doing a theme song and some more explosions and did I mention the explosions? A beloved character whose hijinks have amused countless readers for decades. I decided I wanted to direct an adaptation of Archie.”

Real reporters groaned and rolled their eyes. Entertainment reporters broke out in applause. The comic book tales of Archie Andrews and his teenage friends have been around for years, presenting a group of vacant headed nitwits in an idyllic unchanging town, where these characters are always teenagers. It is a world of a ginger haired moron caught between two girls, a world of an overeating anorexic with a weird hat and a weird name, a world of a dimwitted football jock who got hit in the head too many times with a ball and bears the name of an animal... (editor: Hey! Stop making fun of Archie Comics! I love reading those!)

“Archie Comics? Seriously?” another reporter asked.

“Of course I’m serious,” Bay insisted. “Now, we’d have to put them all up in age a few years, because my cast really don’t seem to fit the teenager model anymore. So we’ve got young adults instead of teenagers, but in one way or another, they’re all still loyal to living in Riverdale. That idyllic town will, over the course of the movie, become ground zero for the fate of a country, with a megalomaniac original character- he has to be an original, because I don’t think the readers would forgive me making Dilton into the villain- posing a threat to the whole world, and with only a gang of loyal and not so loyal friends standing in his way.”

Bay paused before continuing. “Now then, let’s introduce the cast, and for once, I’m starting with the villain of the piece. One of my favourite actors, folks, and he’s going to be playing the pivotal antagonist, the nephew of a long time Riverdale character, the ruthless mad bomber Wolfgang Weatherbee... ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Nicolas Cage!”

The real reporters continued with the groans, sighs of dismay, and eye rolling. The entertainment reporters clapped wildly. Cage came out on stage, staggering as if a bit drunk. “Hello! Thanks for coming out! It’s going to be fun playing this role.” He lit up a cigar with a hundred dollar bill, confirming the idea that he’s really bad with money.

“Mr. Cage, how can anyone buy the notion of you playing the nephew of a rotund principal?” this reporter asked as the actor joined Bay, the two laughing as if at some shared joke.

Cage shrugged. “Don’t confuse me with logic. It’s a comic book movie. Logic doesn’t apply.”

Bay smiled. “You know, I wanted to cast a natural red head as the lead in this. I thought of the actor who played Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films, and on a complete aside, I’m still miffed that I never got to direct one of those movies. Well, long story short, Rupert Grint told me that if magic was real he’d use one of those forbidden curses on me. Then I thought, does Archie Andrews really need to be a red head? Or could I talk another actor into getting a dye job? Well, I talked to this guy... and he said he was willing to colour his hair. Ladies and gentlemen, you absolutely loved him in The Lone Ranger, and you’ll love him again as the lead in this film... say hello to Armie Hammer!”

The actor with the world’s dumbest name came out on stage, looking as one would expect of him: befuddled and confused. He waved, walking over to Bay and Cage, seeming as if he’d been hit in the head far too many times. “It’s great to play such an iconic character!” he called out. The collective eye rolling and groans continued to circulate among the real reporters- honestly, did anyone in the world love The Lone Ranger? Aside perhaps from this reporter’s cranky editor (editor: don’t even think of insulting that masterpiece of cinema!)

Bay carried on speaking. “One of my favourite actors, playing the pivotal role of Jughead Jones, I’m giving him a chance to play a comedic role... ladies and gentlemen, give a big hand to the one, the only... Shia LaBeouf!”

The actor came out on stage, smiling like an idiot, waving. “Hello!” he called out. “You have come to see Shia! And Shia is pleased that you are here to bask in all that is Shia!” LaBeouf strode over to join Bay and his fellow cast members.

Bay spoke again. “One of the big aspects to these comics is the eternal rivalry between two women, both obsessed about Archie. One is incredibly rich, spoiled, and selfish. The other is good natured but just a little crazy. Ladies and gentlemen, first, playing the pampered princess Veronica Lodge, an actress I’ve worked with a whole lot, and perfect for this role... Megan Fox!”

The actress came out on stage, dressed in her usual revealing outfit sort of style, blowing kisses and giving the reporters an eyeful of her cleavage. “Great to be here!”

Fox joined the group, and Bay continued to speak. “And the other half of that equation, an actress I haven’t worked with before, but I’m looking forward to work with this time... she’s playing the radiant Betty Cooper... ladies and gentlemen, give a big hand to Emma Roberts!”

The actress came out on stage, looking nervous. “Look, that guy swindled me into signing a contract for one film. I don’t like it any more than you do, and I’m going to have my lawyer find a way to get me out of this.”

Bay laughed. “Isn’t she funny? Okay, that’s the main casting thus far... I’ve still got to cast Reggie and Dilton and Moose and Midge and Weatherbee and so many other roles... but it’s going to be a big epic film. Heroes against a villain. Explosions! Cat fights between Betty and Veronica! Impossibly huge meals eaten by Jughead! Explosions! Aerosmith doing a theme song! And more explosions! It’s all going to come in the epic film Archie Vs  Weatherbee: Doom Of Riverdale! Isn’t that a great title?”

Bay and the cast strode off the stage, some more quickly than others. Bay himself was last- pausing to give a wink at his reflection in the mirror. Entertainment reporters were deliriously happy. And the real reporters were shaking their heads with dismay. What had we done to be doomed to cover Michael Bay press conferences? Especially for a comic book adaptation no one was asking for? In fact... (editor: hey! Michael Bay and Archie are a great combination! Stop criticizing true genius!)

The last word goes to fans of the comics. Ashley Charles, president of the Worldwide Archie Devotees Association, expressed her rage at the announcement. “Michael Bay is a horrible director who has no idea how horrible he is. We’ve all seen what he’s done to other franchises when he’s directed them. We can’t let him do that to Archiekins and Jughead and Betty and Veronica and Moose and Dilton and....” She went on and on, reciting nearly every character in the Archieverse for twenty minutes. “And we won’t let this stand!” she told reporters. “We’re going to march on Michael Bay and we’re going to show him what happens to people who mess with Archie fans.”

In a low, threatening tone, she coldly declared, “And we take our lessons on revenge from the untold tales of Professor Flutesnoot. He wasn’t just a chemistry teacher, you know...”

In the opinion of this reporter, the membership of the Worldwide Archie Devotees Association need to develop better tastes in reading material. Though it might be far too late for some of them, such as this reporter’s cranky editor, who... (editor: I’m having you chopped up and fed to Jughead.)

Someone Please Make Gore Verbiniski Stop

Links to see to before we get ourselves started today. Check out Norma's blog for her look at the Razzie awards. We've got ourselves another Snippet Sunday blog posted at the joint page. The Happy Whisk asks if this is true or false. You decide. Eve has an orchid blossoming.  And at The Real Maple Syrup Mob, we have a cat tutorial on how to attract rabbits. Now then, today it's time for a movie review... one that I'm glad I didn't see in the theatres. I picked it up last week on an express shelf in the library... and I was not impressed.

"People think you are dead. Better you stay that way." ~ Tonto

"Why are you talking to that horse? Why am I covered in dirt?" John Reid

"I buried you." ~ Tonto

Last summer, director Gore Verbinski and producer Jerry Bruckheimer reunited with Johnny Depp for the action-western-comedy The Lone Ranger. Depp came on board to play the unlikely role of Tonto, while the title character got handed over to the inexplicably named Armie Hammer. The end result was a mess filled with distracting continuity glitches, geographical errors, story plotholes, and more problems. It bombed in the theatres, and with good reason.

The story bounces around in time, starting off at a fair in the 1930s as a boy encounters an elderly Indian (Depp), a Comanche who identifies himself as Tonto and begins to tell him the story of how he and the Lone Ranger met. This takes us back in time to 1869, where lawyer John Reid (Hammer) is on a train into Texas. The same train is carrying two prisoners, a renegade Indian, the aforementioned Tonto, and an outlaw named Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner) due to be hanged. The train comes under attack from some of Cavendish's gang out to rescue their boss, and Reid and Tonto first meet while dealing with the crisis. Tonto is jailed nonetheless, we briefly meet John's sister-in-law Rebecca (Ruth Wilson) and her son. She will, of course, become the requisite love interest. 

Reid's brother Dan (James Badge Dale) deputizes John as a ranger to go after Cavendish and his gang. Things go seriously wrong, and the posse are all shot down and killed by Cavendish and the others. All except for John, left for dead but recovered by the conveniently escaped from jail Comanche who seems to think the bird on his head is alive and that the brother he has saved (the wrong brother) is a spirit walker who can't be killed.  Thus the two unlikely partners must work together in a story that brings in a horse with an attitude, a corrupt Army officer (Barry Pepper), a businessman with delusions of grandeur (Tom Wilkinson), and a brothel madam with a rather unusual prosthetic leg (Helena Bonham Carter). And it's all tied together with a whole lot of silliness.

Gore Verbinski has something of an eclectic history as a director. One of his earliest films was the priceless black comedy Mousehunt, and he's best known for the Pirates of the Caribbean films (he really should have stopped after the first three). Of those films, his production partner has been Jerry Bruckheimer, who's made a career in movies and television of loud and occasionally obnoxiously boorish stories that feature lots of explosions and rock music underscore. The Lone Ranger is, in short, the hubris of both coming back to haunt them. The film was plagued with production problems and an over the top budget straight off. The story is from a trio of screenwriters, Justin Haythe, Ted Elliot, and Terry Rossio. What they craft is filled with errors. While the story seems to be set in Texas, it moves all over the map geographically, from Monument Valley to Promontory Point (all while dragging history through the mud). It gets numerous details wrong, to say the least (as if we could expect accuracy in a film like this). It doesn't even pay attention to its own continuity- there are plenty of mistakes, such as dirt on a body that's not there in the same way in the next frame- that make you wonder if anyone was paying attention during filming.

And the film doesn't help in that it jumps around in time, not only from decades later, but often in the course of the 1869 timeline where we're seeing something one moment that might only make sense later on. It's distracting, but not in a good way. It also doesn't help to have the kid hearing the story from the elderly Tonto- it's not a framing sequence; the narration interrupts with regularity, and I found myself disliking the kid. It's probably a good idea to refrain from using child actors to begin with; something about this kid struck me like fingernails on a blackboard. They could have dropped the narration element entirely, told the film in a linear fashion, and it wouldn't feel so grating.

Verbinski and Bruckheimer assembled a crew with this production that brings mixed results to the film. Makeup actually does its job. Tonto's entire look is rather striking, and apparently based on paintings of Native peoples (though the dead bird on his head is a bit much). And Fichtner in particular looks suitably hideous as the outlaw Cavendish; he looks like he's been out in the sun for too many years and has been beaten over the head with an ugly stick, so the makeup department went out of their way with giving him that look. This also applies to set design, which evokes the Old West in a great deal of the finer details (even if the crew can't keep track of how much dirt ought to be on a body from one moment to the next).

Much of the filming was done on location, so we've got beautiful western settings (including the obligatory Monument Valley scenes that are seen in every western), and the camera work captures that reasonably well. The special effects and set work for the climax of the film, featuring two trains on a runaway chase through the mountains, also work in making the sequence work (even though geographically the start off of the sequence does not mesh with the bulk of the scene). In fact, the train sequence late in the film actually helps the movie... but not enough to compensate for the other problems that tanked the film. One other member of the crew worth mentioning. Hans Zimmer composes the score, and as usual goes for bombastic and over the top in his signature style, though it works. This is one of those cases as so often happens with movies where the score is the best part of the movie. Zimmer even incorporates Rossini's William Tell Overture into the climactic sequence of the movie, weaving the familiar music with his own score.

The cast is generally made of actors who should have known better than to get themselves in on something like this. Most of them, however, are not to blame for the fiasco this film became (one glaring exception to that). William Fichtner has been playing various dirtbags, villains, and nefarious sorts down through the years as a character actor. He's nearly unrecognizable here, but his Cavendish is an addition to that resume of roles (though Robert Redford, the ghost of Paul Newman, and writer William Goldman would object to the insult to an iconic character with the similar sounding name). Tom Wilkinson is one of those outstanding actors who's often one of the more interesting elements in any film he makes. He's playing a seemingly considerate man named Latham Cole when we first meet him, but underneath all that is a greedy bastard out to get even richer than he already is. Barry Pepper's also one of those actors who tends to be interesting to watch, and seems to suit the part of a soldier well (he's played that before in another period uniform). However, a weakness of the script itself seems to suggest his corruption just happens, which must annoy the actor.

James Badge Dale doesn't last long in this film as the lawman Dan Reid, but is at least plausible as a lawman in the Old West. He looks comfortable in the saddle, and as an actor is slowly building a good resume of work, including 24, The Pacific, Iron Man 3, and The Conspirator. I would have rather preferred him in the lead as the title character. Ruth Wilson is an actress I was unfamiliar with before now, but she plays the requisite part of the damsel in distress reasonably well, with romantic history with two brothers, and a son with one of them. I'd like to see what she's capable of in a film that's better. And Helena Bonham Carter, one of my favourite actresses, must have wondered what she was thinking getting into this film as Red. The character is eccentric and tends to come across as more of a plot device than anything else, used by the screenwriters to fill a plothole. At least Carter has a well established track record and can move off and do other things. 

The two leads are a problem, admittedly. I'll start out with the lesser problem. Johnny Depp is essentially channeling Captain Jack Sparrow with a glazed over Native American in his portrayal as Tonto. The take Depp has on the character is that of a man who's probably out of his mind, a nutcase who's crazy for the sake of being crazy, just like his signature Pirates role. It seems to me like Verbinski and Bruckheimer wanted him to play the role from that eccentric point of view rather than just as a straight on not for laughs character. Or maybe Depp has gotten to like playing eccentricity over and over again. It doesn't suit the character, though, but it's not really Depp's fault so much as it is those behind the scenes- the writers, producer, and director, all wanting to take another shot at that Pirates mentality. Johnny, do us a favour: for your next role, play something that's not eccentric.

Ultimately, the biggest problem of the film, which casts a fatal wound on it, is the actor playing the title role. Armie Hammer (why the hell did this man not change his name?) brings no weight, no gravitas, no sense of presence to the character. Tonto remarks on more than one occasion that the wrong brother came back from the dead, and in that, he's right. Dale would have been a better actor in the role, but instead we get stuck with an actor who we can't take seriously. Hammer seems to be sleepwalking through half the movie, or maybe he's just naturally boring, or maybe he's a pretty lousy actor. I'm inclined to think it's the last of those three options. It's a performance that just scuttles the entire film. This should be an object lesson to producers and directors: don't cast this guy in your film.

The Lone Ranger failed in spectacular fashion at the box office. It is filled with endless errors and gaffes that just hamper the whole thing from the point of view of the historian. The story itself is grating and derivative and wanders all over the place. It's entrusted to a director who needs to step away from filmdom for awhile and come back with something that's not so over the top. And its producer will never take a hint and just go away. Add to that a cast of supporting actors who are largely wasted in place of the spectacle of an empty story, a lead actor who needs to play a character who's not eccentric, and another lead actor completely out of his depth... and you've got the recipe for a film disaster. If you happen to watch this film at some point, you might want to make a drinking game out of this. Every time you have to roll your eyes at something in the story that annoys you, everyone takes another gulp.