Standard Time
Returns; Clocks To Be Reset; Countless People Elated To Soon Have Lost Hour
Back
Ottawa (CP). This weekend the clocks go back in much of the
country, as Daylight Saving ends and the country returns to Standard Time for
the winter (aside from Saskatchewan, which never stops using Standard Time and
which doesn’t bother with the twice a year adjustment of clocks). The same
applies south of the border in much of the United States. Many people who
grumble about losing an hour of sleep in the spring when Daylight Saving starts
up will be counting their blessings Saturday night when they get that hour
back. Dogs and cats will start their day on Sunday with their internal clock
out of balance. Debates will continue as to whether or not to even go back to
Daylight Saving time in 2019.
It is a debate being held in other parts of the world.
“Fewer jurisdictions are using it,” Theresa Abercrombie, president of the
Abolish Daylight Saving Time Society of Canada, told reporters this week. “It’s
not used around the equator, for instance, where sunlight times don’t really
vary. Asia and Africa? They’re not using it. The European Union has just
recently recommending doing away with it. All it does is make us grouchy when
we have to switch that clock and lose an hour’s sleep in the spring. Sure, we
get that back in the fall, but every time
we’re doing this, losing or getting back an hour of time, we’re disrupting
ourselves. Come on, people, let’s just get rid of it right now.”
“I’d like to be rid of it,” Arthur Hedley, a retiree in
Watertown, New York told this reporter. Hedley recently claimed the world
record for biggest private clocks in the world, with a personal collection of
1981 clocks in his home, ranging from alarm clocks to grandfather clocks to
cuckoo clocks. “Do you have any idea how
long it takes to switch this many clocks twice a year? The better part of a
day, I’ll tell…” He was cut off by the sound of hundreds of cuckoo and
grandfather clocks ringing out the eleventh hour of the day at the same time.
Others have their own views on the matter. The singer Cher,
always the subject of memes whenever the clocks are switched about turning back
time, is in the midst of her 17th farewell tour titled, The Last
Farewell, And This Time I Really Mean It Infinity Plus One Fingers Crossed. “Had
I known that song would end up becoming a meme, and then getting used in a way
I didn’t expect for that Deadpool sequel, I wouldn’t have recorded it. People
are always asking me about it twice a
year. Look, it’s not about turning the clocks back and gaining an hour’s time,
people. It’s about mistakes and regrets and things you wish you could take
back, like swearing that this was going to be my final farewell tour, because
let’s face it, it won’t be. Wait, don’t quote me on that.”
Supervillain and mad scientist Magnus von Malice, currently
serving time in an Austrian prison for his failed world domination scheme, was
uncharacteristically cheerful when reached for comment on the story. “Alas, we
cannot truly turn back time, as much as I’d love to. Because if I could, I
would go back in time and warn myself about the circumstances that led to my
incarceration, and tell myself to kill that interfering Mountie in advance. Still, life is not about regrets. Life is about
getting even with those who have wronged you, and about breaking out of prison,
and getting revenge, and taking over the world, and…. Wait, don’t quote me on
that.”
Another prisoner had a different take on the issue. From a
holding cell in Calgary, where she continues to await trial for a series of
murders, the accused geriatric former novelist Jessica Fletcher spoke to this
reporter earlier this week, while one of her attorneys looked on. “You know, if
you’re losing or gaining an hour, that’s the perfect time to kill someone.
Because if that hour doesn’t exist anymore, who can prove there was ever a
murder? Even if you have a body right in front of you and the murder weapon in
the hand of whoever you’ve framed for it? Now then, if it was possible for me
to turn back time, I would put two in the head of that insufferable Mountie who’s the reason I’m here today. Oh, he may think he’s gotten the best of me, but
time will tell, my dear, I assure you. Time will tell. And in the end I’ll be
feasting on Ulrich’s bone marrow. Feasting!”
Fletcher began laughing maniacally, and her attorney
cautioned, “Don’t quote her on that.”
The last word belongs to the aforementioned Mountie, the man
who brought down both von Malice and Fletcher, the man who has saved the world
repeatedly, the man with the gruff and ferocious attitude, and the sheer
impatience where entertainment reporters were concerned. This reporter, along
with a couple of his colleagues, were curious as to how the legendary Mountie
felt about standard time versus daylight saving time. And so we sought out
Inspector Lars Ulrich at his detachment in the Alberta foothills. Reassured
that we knew full well that he was not the drummer from Metallica, the
Inspector agreed to talk. “I don’t like it, never have. I think we should just
get rid of it, stick with standard time year round, once and for all.”
There was some hustle and bustle behind us, and this
reporter turned to see an overly cheerful and vacant eyed twit barge into the
detachment, followed by a cameraman. “Lars! Lars! Great to meet you. Tad
Malone, Access Hollywood. With the
big switchover this weekend, what everyone wants to know is… will Metallica be
recording a heavy metal version of If I Could Turn Back Time with Cher? Because
that would be so cool.”
Ulrich stared at Malone, perhaps deciding which bone he
wanted to break first. Then he spoke in a low growl. “I am not that Lars Ulrich.”
True to form, Malone looked confused, and then laughed. We
real reporters backed out of the way. “Good one, Lars. So, where’s the rest of
the band?”
With that, the Inspector charged. Malone turned and started
running out the door, realizing for the first time that he had made a mistake.
Ulrich followed the entertainment reporter out the door. Witnesses saw the
pursuit and heard Malone screaming in a high pitched wail as he was chased into
Tombstone Canyon by a cranky Mountie.
Post script to the story: Malone is currently residing in a
body cast in a Calgary hospital alongside other recent entertainment reporters
who have run afoul of the Inspector. Reportedly he has been heard to mutter
incoherent ramblings about ‘death in red serge.’
hahahahaha Tucson is on Mountain Time no changing of time. Love it !
ReplyDeleteChanging the rocks on Stonehenge is fabulous.
Adore The Cranky Mountie.
cheers, parsnip and badger
Thanks!
DeleteChanging the rocks...LOL
ReplyDeleteThat's one reason not to change clocks! :)
DeleteI believe there's something on the California ballot about this...
ReplyDeleteWe should just put a stake in the heart of daylight saving time like the vampire it is. :)
DeleteI'm good with turning back the clocks in the fall to give us an extra hour, but losing that hour in the spring's a PITA.
ReplyDeleteIt is!
DeleteI'm all for abolishing the time change. It's stupid. It was used a long time ago, and we don't need it any more.
ReplyDeleteI never thought about time change and murder. Humm. Where were you on November 4th around two a.m.? Gosh. I'm not sure. Maybe I was changing all the clocks in my house?
Or: The cop to the coroner: "What time was he murdered?"
"I don't know. It was time change last night. I may have to get back to you on that one."
And of course you just know that there are some people who actually wake up at two in the morning to set their clocks back then.
Delete