A Day In The Life Of A Cat

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Now then, to it....

8:15 AM. Waking up gradually. On the bed in the master bedroom. The staff is in the shower in the next room. Curious that I didn't wake up to her stirring out of bed. Realizing I am lying on my back, legs up in the air. Why do we cats find such positions comfortable?

8:20 AM. The staff comes out of the bathroom, smiling as if it's a glorious day. Staff, you know I find morning people annoying in the absolute sense of the word. Now, start making me some breakfast. And no field rations.

8:30 AM. The staff gives me field rations. Again.

I glare at the staff with disdain.

There are times I have no idea why I put up with you.

8:32 AM. After reluctance, I eat some of the field rations.

8:40 AM. Out the door for my morning constitutional. At least it's not raining today. Staff, you will not pull any unacceptable stunts like leaving without approving it through me. Are we clear on that?

9:10 AM. Oh, wonderful. I was having such a pleasant walk through the meadows, and there's that stupid dog from down the road.

Oh, rats. He's coming this way.

Can't he take a hint?

9:11 AM. Have given the stupid dog a firm swat across the snout to show him my disdain for canines. As usual, he's complaining about it. Walking away from him.

I will never understand dogs.

9:35 AM. Back home. The staff is still present, sweeping off the deck. I don't particularly care for brooms. Staff, what have we discussed in the past about your using those things in my presence?

And would you care to explain to me why dogs are the way they are?

It's no use. If I, as a superior life form can't figure it out, why would a lower life form like a human being be able to understand it?

10:15 AM. The staff is having her morning cup of tea. I find myself staring intently. She pours a bit onto the saucer and places it before me. 

I sniff. And sniff. And sniff some more. It's a bit hot. Perhaps I'll give it a moment.

10:16 AM. Lapping up a bit of tea. Not bad, really.... but it needs more sugar.

12:50 PM. The staff is having lunch. Ham sandwiches. The staff makes up for the intolerable breakfast of field rations by giving me a few slices of ham. Much better, staff. There`s hope for you yet.

5:35 PM. Waking up from nap. Staff not around. Staring out window. A good deal of activity out on the lawn. Ah, birdies. So near, and yet so far away. You do realize that once we cats figure out a way to build jetpacks, you`re all in a world of trouble...

6:25 PM. Staff making dinner. Smells like lamb. Staff, I fully expect generous portions. And I would prefer it raw. 

6:40 PM. Staff sets down a plate of lamb strips. Warm, but delicious.

Staff, there are times when you are quite acceptable. For a human being.

8:00 PM. Staff decides to see what`s on television tonight. Staff, I would prefer to watch something cat related. I believe it`s Lions Week on Discovery.

The staff has settled on a movie. Well, that figures. With the last Superman movie just out in the theatres, of course the network will show another one. Unfortunately Superman Returns features that annoying little kid with no facial expressions that makes the Boy Scout look like a deadbeat dad.

Bryan Singer should be held up on charges of crimes against culture.

8:17 PM. Oh, sure, the plane is in all kinds of peril, but we know it`s just an action set piece to bring the Big Blue Cheese back in a huge way. Look, there he is now, zipping through the sky. Too bad his Lois Lane seems to be sleepwalking through the whole film.

8:21 PM. See, staff, I told you so. Superman comes in to save the day, as usual. These stories are kind of write by numbers. You know, it would be more meaningful if someone were to die in one of these films. I suggest that Jimmy Olsen twit. I mean, seriously,  no grown adult uses a childish nickname at the age of thirty. And that bowtie he wears is just hideous.

8:45 PM. Oh, brother, Kevin Spacey does love to chew the scenery.

9:10 PM. You know, there is a reason this kid never acted again. Look at him, staff! No facial expression at all out of him! It`s as if he`s Kristen Stewart`s kid brother.

9:35 PM. At least Singer was smart enough not to feature anything as foolish as that Krypto dog they have in the comics. I mean, a dog with super powers is just beyond ridiculous.

10:45 PM. Lex Luthor must be really, really mad right about now. His whole continent creating, get rich quick scheme that doesn`t really make sense when you think about it, all going down the drain because of that interfering Superman. 

11:15 PM. Well, staff, I hope you're pleased with yourself, watching that movie with the impossibly handsome man who likes to wear his red underwear outside his clothes. I missed watching lions chasing antelopes because of you.

If they're going to make another Superman movie, they need to feature a cat. As the star. I'm thinking Superman and Bonkers The Tormentor Of Mice Versus Brainiac. That sounds like a good title, right, staff? 

Staff? Hey, don't you go off to bed without my approval!

Why won't she listen to me?