Sweden's Most Wanted: Rufus The Moose

It seems I just can't get away from the moose theme.

The other night on the Tonight Show, a Headlines sequence featured a headline indicating that a moose was suspect in a homicide after a man was cleared. Some searching into the matter found that it wasn't just a weird headline, but it actually happened. Here are the details:

Moose suspect after man clear in wife's murder

Published: Sunday, November 29, 2009

STOCKHOLM (AP) - Swedish police say they've cleared a man who was arrested for allegedly murdering his wife after deciding the culprit was most likely a moose.
Police spokesman Ulf Karlsson says "the improbable has become probable" in the puzzling death last year of 63-year-old Agneta Westlund. She was found dead after an evening stroll in the forest.
According to news reports, the victim's husband, Ingemar Westlund, was jailed for 10 days. The case against him was dropped in January.
Karlsson declined to give details of the case Saturday, saying a news conference would be held Tuesday.
The tabloid Expressen says hairs and saliva from a moose were found on the victim's clothes. Police would not immediately confirm that.


So of course I'd have to do my own spin on it (me being me), and bring in an old friend in the process. If we can call our characters a friend, that is. Without further ado...

Police Inspector Called In For Pursuit Of Rogue Moose

Stockholm (AP) - Swedish police have called in an Ontario Provincial Police inspector for what continues to be a baffling murder case.

A moose is suspected in the death of a local woman last year in these parts. The woman's husband was briefly detained and cleared in the case, but the search for the moose in question has gone on.

Now legendary lawman Lars Ulrich is on the scene, fresh off an unresolved hunt for the culprit in a ritual killing. Ulrich faced a number of reporters at a press conference, all drawn to Sweden because of the odd nature of the case. After an introduction, Ulrich gave a statement.

"We believe the suspect in question answers to the name Rufus. He's a moose from the Wyoming region, brought in as an outside contractor, or hit moose, by a local organization. He's known to Interpol. It seems he has an overly fond appreciation for bison statues. I won't go into details, but let's just say a little girl was sobbing as she asked her parents why the moose was doing that to their statue."

Ulrich looked stern as he paused. "This moose is to be considered armed and dangerous. Don't ask me to go into details about how an animal with hooves is to be considered armed. He's also to be considered sick. Sick, sick, sick. I promise you this: I'm going to find him. If I have to chase him to the ends of the earth, I'll find him. Are there any questions?"

One colleague from Reuters asked, "Yes, Inspector! How can an animal with hooves..."

"I thought I just told you not to ask me that," Ulrich said sharply.

Another reporter, from Access Hollywood, spoke next. "Lars! Two questions our viewers are desperate to know! What do you think about Lindsay Lohan going to jail, and is it true that you've had a falling out with the rest of Metallica?"

Ulrich frowned at the man, glaring as if he wanted to kill him. "Damn it, are you really that stupid? I am not that Lars Ulrich!"

"Does that mean you don't care less about Lindsay Lohan?" the reporter asked, apparently too dumb to see trouble coming.

Ulrich responded to the question by asking the other reporters, "Do you people object to getting rid of utter stupidity in your own ranks?"

The only one to speak was the Access Hollywood reporter. "Does that mean you're still on good terms with the rest of the band?"

Ulrich stepped off the podium, charged through the crowd of reporters, and in front of full sight of all, began hammering the reporter with a series of punches and kicks. In the view of this correspondant, the little twit had it coming.



 

Remarks From The International Order Of The Moose

The following is lifted from the transcripts of the IOTM; reader discretion is advised...
"Brothers and sisters! Welcome to the 2010 gathering of the International Order Of The Moose. I'm Empress Ursula, Grand Moosette of the Great Northern Woods, and chieftainess of the Order. Today I open with these remarks. We have been the subject and ridicule of late from the humans. One of our number, Rufus of Wyoming, has become infatuated with a bison statue he calls Mavis."

"Boo!"

"Hiss!"

"Is he blind?"

"Yes, brothers and sisters, I know. This would have been kept quiet, had a human not captured the image of Rufus and Mavis on one of their devices and posted it on another. We have received word that the humans continue to mock our ways. They believe we are all as mis-intentioned as Brother Rufus. Instead of trying to understand us, they delight in ridiculing us. I say shame! Shame on the humans!"

"Hear hear!"

"Shame! Shame!"

"We will have our day, I promise you. In the next few days, we will devise a plan of revenge so cunning, so devious, that those who have heckled us will never see it coming. In the meantime, however, we have an unusual request from one of the humans. She is a socialite, a hotel heiress, whatever that is, and she has asked to speak to us."

At this point, a blonde haired, vacant eyed party girl walked into the room, took to the podium, and stared out at the crowd of moose.
"Hi! I'm Paris! And I'm hot! And all of you are hot! Aren't we all hot? You know, I've gone and had sex with pretty every single person I've wanted! It's all I really do with my time, when I'm not shopping or partying or doing drugs. Now I want to take it in a totally hot direction. I want to have sex with animals. I want to fuck a moose. That would be, like,  so hot."

Empress Ursula spoke again, facing the party girl.
"Are you mentally ill?"

In Search Of The Elusive Perfect Picture

Moose.

They're something of an ungainly beast, in the eyes of some. Not so much to me. They're the symbol of the great northern woods, a noble animal, a powerful animal, and (for the most part) a fairly easy animal to get along with.

I've taken many a picture of them, and I've been close to them. In the paradise otherwise known as Algonquin Park, seeing moose near the road is practically guaranteed in April and May, when they're often found near the roads simply for the road salt that might be found after a winter's snow has gone. They need the salt, and with their usual source not growing until June, that's their alternative.

So as you're driving through the Park, you're likely to see them, even at other times of the year. If you see a car at the side of the road, slow down, because odds are there's a moose in a clearing or a marsh, and you might get a good view of them. In addition, these animals seem used to people parking along the road, pointing and taking pictures. When they've had enough, they simply head off into the woods, but as long as you give them their space, they're surprisingly patient with the tourists.

Now before this turns into an ad for Algonquin (I'm expecting the residuals anytime soon, in case the Park is reading), let me come to my point. As I said, I've taken many pictures of moose during visits to the family homestead. Some years ago, I had myself quite a memorable time doing so once again.

There they were, in a grove of trees along the road. A mother and a yearling. It was April, and they were serenely foraging the ground. Me being me, I had to take pictures. With a trusty film camera, at that. I moved into the grove, very carefully, very quietly. The mother knew I was there, of course. I took great care to give them their space, and to always make sure the mother was between the yearling and myself. I took pictures. Choosing angles, moving about quietly, doing my best not to disturb them. I like being choosy as to photography: selecting lighting conditions, considering possibilities, wondering how the final shot will look. I was doing all of that while I slowly moved, taking pictures of the pair, painstakingly capturing their image for posterity. In the end, I shot a whole roll of film, over a period of about a half hour, before the mother and the yearling moved on.

I was immensely pleased with myself. I knew these shots would be outstanding. I had gotten as close to a mother moose and her young one as I'd ever get. I returned to the waiting car, thinking of getting the film developed....

...and then I got a close look at the camera. It was empty. There was no film inside.

Damn. Double damn!
 Note to self: never leave home without film.