A Day In The Life Of A Cat

Before getting started, just a note that instead of my usual Wednesday post, I'll be posting on Thursday, since that is Christmas Eve. And so it is time for the cat's point of view on all things Christmas. 

7:26 AM. Waking up. Strange dreams. Found myself among giant candy canes. Not sure why... I don’t even like the taste of candy canes.

7:37 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Well, good morning, staff. We’re now in this whole Christmas zone, so in the interests of peace on earth, goodwill towards men, and keeping me happy, how about some breakfast?

7:41 AM. Breakfast served by the staff. A bowl of milk and some tuna. Very suitable, staff. 

7:44 AM. Finished breakfast. Now then, I do need some confirmation... you’re the one going to visit those idiot relations tomorrow and not them coming here, right? Because I know it’s not very Christmas and peace on earth of me to say, but I really don’t like the rugrats, and my idea of a good Christmas Day does not involve hiding for hours on end in one of my bolt holes.

8:10 AM. Meowing to be let outside. The staff obliges.

8:17 AM. Walking around in the snow. Musing on the meaning of life. Is life nothing more than a big ball of yarn?

8:32 AM. Passing through the woods. Sound of movement nearby.

8:33 AM. Oh, brother. That dog.

8:34 AM. The dog is going on and on about peace on earth. I, meanwhile, am considering my options. Exit routes? Giving him a swipe on the snout? Or being at least considerate and civil? I mean, after all, it is Christmas, right?

8:35 AM. I walk towards the dog. Despite myself, I give the dog a hug.

8:36 AM. Strolling away. I don’t have to look back to know the dog looks flabbergasted.

8:47 AM. Returning home. Meowing to be let back inside. I have a nap to get to, after all.

8:49 AM. The staff has let me in. I promptly head to one of my seventy eight favourite spots, in front of the fireplace, where it’s nice and toasty warm. 

12:06 PM. Waking up out of nap. I can smell tuna sandwiches being made.

12:07 PM. The staff sets a morsel of tuna down for me on a plate. Very good, staff, very good indeed....

3:27 PM. Watching the staff as she looks out the window at all the falling snow. Well now, be glad you got all your Christmas shopping in, staff. This time of day in a mall on Christmas Eve? We’re talking stress city, after all, and not in a good way.

6:07 PM. The staff’s busy making dinner. The local news is on in the living room. A reporter is filing a story from a shopping mall earlier about panicked last minute shoppers fighting over this year’s hot new toy. And humans actually think they’re the superior life form.

6:32 PM. Having dinner with the staff. Lamb tastes good. Did Little Bo Peep know this one?

6:49 PM. And for dessert, some strawberry ice cream. Staff, I think you’re spoiling me rotten. Good.

6:58 PM. Supervising the staff while she does the dishes. Just in case she has any extra treats around.

7:35 PM. Christmas music on the stereo. Staff, just make sure you’re not going to play that Twelve Days song, because that one takes forever and goes nowhere. Besides, after the first four verses, which all involve tasty flying lunches, frankly, I don’t care about the rest of those grandiose gifts.

8:03 PM. Oh, no, the staff wants to watch It’s A Wonderful Life.

8:37 PM. You know, staff, I really don’t get the point to this whole movie. And honestly, the sugar sweet aspect of this whole thing would drive diabetics into insulin shock.

9:01 PM. While the staff watches James Stewart in the Endless Christmas Movie From Hell (of course that needs to be capitalized), I find myself staring at one of the Christmas ornaments, and consider the notion of murdering it.

9:57 PM. Okay, it’s almost over, James Stewart’s surrounded by all these people who have given him endless amounts of money to bail him out of trouble, everybody’s happy, the kid’s prattling on about angels getting wings, and we don’t see that miserable old bastard get what’s coming to him. I mean, honestly, staff, if this were made today, they wouldn’t leave that plot hole just dangling like that. Unless it was directed by that Michael Bay guy, who leaves plot holes in everything.

11:47 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Merry Christmas and all that. Do keep the door open. In case some oversized guy in red comes down the chimney in the middle of the night, I might be inclined to come upstairs and yell at you to wake up.

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time for the dog and cat to have their say once again, and this time it is their perspective on Christmas Eve. As always, I'm starting off with the view of the resident hound.

7:35 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed of reindeer. I wonder where that one came from....

7:37 AM. Waiting for the human to come downstairs. Looking at the Christmas tree all decorated. Still puzzled by why humans bring trees inside this time of year and decorate them. Even more puzzled as to why I’m not allowed to answer the call of nature on it.

7:38 AM. The human comes downstairs. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn’t it? Say, how about a bite to eat? I’d be ever so happy and pleased to start chowing down on my breakfast sometime soon. 

7:42 AM. Wolfing down breakfast in as rapid a fashion as I can. Did I mention how much I love kibbles? Yum yum yum!

7:45 AM. Out the door for my morning run. See you later, human!

8:03 AM. Running around the fields, in the snow, barking for no reason. It occurs to me, though, that all this barking could inadvertently alert any squirrels in the area that I’m around.

8:12 AM. Stopping by to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. We greet each other in the customary doggie fashion.

8:14 AM. Spike informs me that his humans are having relatives over for Christmas. Grandchildren are involved, and they’ve been pulling his tail. Spike keeps reminding himself that he has to behave and not bite anyone. Well, Spike, look at it this way... sooner or later they do grow up, right? At least that’s what I’m assuming at the moment, because if I’m wrong and they don’t grow up, that could be problematic.

8:17 AM. We discuss the meaning of why people kiss each other under mistletoe. You know, Spike, it occurs to me that humans might be slightly daft.                                

8:21 AM. Spike and I go our separate ways, pledging to keep each other up to date on any movements of the enemy. Wouldn’t it just be like a squirrel, for instance, to do something awful and evil like launch an acorn attack while the humans are unwrapping presents in the morning?

8:33 AM. On my way home. Cutting through the woods. Movement out of the corner of my eye.... what’s that? Is it the squirrel?

8:34 AM. No, wait, it’s that cranky cat. Well, hello, cat. Merry Christmas. No, I’m not going to bother you today. I’m really trying to be on my best behaviour... because, well, you know, peace on earth and goodwill towards men and dogs and cats and even... no, well, not to squirrels or postmen or vets. My point is, I’m on my best behaviour today, and besides, for all I know, if he’s real, Santa could be watching me right now and deciding whether or not I’m getting chew toys or a lump of coal.

8:35 AM. The cranky cat approaches me. Hey, I told you, I’m behaving myself today.

8:36 AM. Well, now that was unexpected. I watch the cat walk off through the snow. Just when I thought I had cats figured out.... wait, when did I ever think I had cats figured out?

8:52 AM. Back home. Barking to alert the human to my presence.

8:53 AM. The human opens the back door. Hello, human!

8:55 AM. The human subjects me to the Towel of Torment rather than let my snow covered fur dry out natural by the fire. As I am trying to be on my best behaviour today, I let her do it. Human? Why are cats the way they are?

12:05 PM. Waking up from nap. Slept exceedingly well. Dreamed of Christmas cookies.

12:14 PM. Have mooched a couple of cookies and a dinner roll from the human. Yum yum yum!

3:45 PM. Staring out at the falling snow. Wondering if Christmas can get snowed in.

6:35 PM. Dinner with the human. Nice chunks of stewing beef for me. She’s made a rather elaborate stew for herself, said something about it making a bit of a mess if a doggie were to eat it.

7:43 PM. Watching the human talking on the phone. She’s going to go see her sister tomorrow. Just as well... the sister has little kids who think I’m a horse. No problem at all, human, I can hold the fort here tomorrow. Maybe try eating a candy cane.

7:55 PM. Wondering why no one ever thought of making a candy cane that tastes like chicken.

8:58 PM. The human and I are watching that movie where James Stewart’s life plays out all sugar sweet before he has a vision of what it would be like if he didn’t exist. Human? Just between us, why do you watch this movie every year?

9:54 PM. James Stewart is running down the street yelling like a maniac and jumping like a fool. You know, human, if this movie were taking place in the real world, someone would have arrested him by now for causing a public disturbance.

11:35 PM. The human is off to bed. Well, good night, human! I promise, I won’t knock the tree over. One can only get away with that one time, right?