World’s Most Prolific
Serial Killer Arrested; Readers Horrified
Calgary (CP) An arrest this weekend is sending shockwaves
through law enforcement, legal circles, and the literary world. The unlikeliest
of suspects is now charged with ten counts of first degree murder in Canada,
with authorities in many countries predicting that number will skyrocket in the
days and weeks to come.
RCMP officers made the arrest on Saturday afternoon during
an author’s meet and greet at a local bookstore in Calgary. The lead
investigator in the case was the legendary Inspector Lars Ulrich, scourge of
criminals, loather of entertainment reporters, and most definitely not the drummer from Metallica. The
Inspector remains tight lipped about the investigation and the arrest, offering
no firm comment to reporters who turned up at his detachment in the foothills
of the Rocky Mountains, aside from a terse warning that he was not that Lars Ulrich.
The arrest was made nonetheless, in front of scores of fans
of a well known mystery writer, all of whom were in shock by the turn of
events, and eager to speak of what they saw. “We couldn’t believe it,” Ellen
Davis told reporters, teary eyed and still clutching a book by the author, less
than a half hour after the suspect had been hauled out by Mounties, kicking and
screaming and vowing revenge. “I mean, I’ve grown up reading her novels and her
plots about cold blooded murder, but seriously... a murderer herself? I mean,
she always comes across like your kind and wise grandmother baking a batch of
cookies. How on earth could Jessica Fletcher be a murderer? This has to be a mistake.”
Fletcher, who has spent decades writing a series of murder
mysteries from her home in Cabot Cove, Maine, has often consulted with police
departments at home and abroad, seemingly always caught up in a murder mystery
wherever she went. Cabot Cove, with a population of some three thousand souls,
has often been cited for its rather high murder rate- ten to fifteen homicides
in a year is disproportionate for a town of its size- and that has been the
case for decades- ever since Fletcher moved to the town with her late husband
Frank Fletcher. “Used to be, this was a peaceful town,” local doctor Lyle
Tupper admitted to reporters. “The most the police department had to do was
issue tickets. Then we started seeing all these murders on such a regular
basis. My dad was the sheriff back then... if he was still around, he’d be horrified by this... by being totally snookered by someone he trusted.”
Indeed, the news of the arrest caused another death in the
sleepy town. Retired doctor Seth Hazlitt, a long time friend of the accused,
upon hearing of Fletcher’s arrest, suffered a massive and fatal heart attack.
Before passing away, witnesses reported that Hazlitt gasped, “Was I blind? How
could I not have seen?”
Fletcher’s publisher, New American Library, have chosen to
remain silent about the investigation; experts have already suggested the
company’s stock will plummet with the arrest of their most prominent writer.
“It’s a huge shock for them,” Evan Parker, a finance professor on staff at the
University of Toronto remarked. “Their biggest name, arrested on ten counts of murder. You don’t just trot out a
marketing executive to reassure their readers that this must be a mistake.”
The local police in Cabot Cove have remained tight lipped in
their investigation; Tupper’s brother Angus is the sheriff, heading up an
investigation that has now spun out of the Calgary arrest. A source, speaking
anonymously, confirmed that a secret journal has been found in Fletcher’s home
upon executing a search warrant. “It’s an account of murder after murder, of
framing innocent people for her acts,” the source confided. “We’re talking
about a murder toll in the thousands.
All starting with her late husband.”
If that turns out
to be true, the mystery writer, should she be found guilty, will go down in
history as the most prolific serial killer of all time. The allegations not
only have it that Fletcher has committed murder, but framed others for her
acts. Looking into her history, some of the people put away as a result of
Fletcher’s consultations with law enforcement were in fact put to death in
capital punishment states. Many languish behind bars- are they or are they not
innocent? It is a question that many law enforcement agencies and prosecutors
are asking themselves now. Are there hundreds, or even thousands of cases
across the world where justice was not done, and people were wrongfully
incarcerated or even executed thanks to the diabolical manipulations of the
real killer?
The case in Calgary is formidable enough. Ten murders, all
taking place during a three week period in which Fletcher has been present. The
author had been in the city researching a book,
and the victims started adding up. No apparent pattern tied the victims
together- they were of different ages, different ethnic groups, both men and
women. Ulrich, whose fearsome and no nonsense reputation are already well
known, as is his dedication to duty, kicking butt, and taking names, was called
in to head up the investigation by colleagues in the Calgary Police Service.
A civilian staffer for the CPS, speaking anonymously, told
this reporter, “She just showed up out of nowhere. It was her, I mean, we all know Jessica Fletcher when we see
her. She’s a famous novelist, meddler in police investigations, so it wasn’t a
surprise when she turned up at our detachment and started offering her services
in the investigation. Something about the Inspector, though. I’d say he’s
naturally suspicious about everyone and everything. Particularly when at first
they mix him up with that Metallica drummer. That might well have been her
first mistake.”
Ulrich- who is often given to unleashing bloody revenge on
entertainment reporters after epic chases across the landscape when they
mistake him for the Metallica drummer- let Fletcher off by saying he wasn’t that Lars Ulrich, and told her to
stay out of his investigation. The Inspector has in the past saved the world
from megalomaniacs, singlehandedly thrashed thousands of Rush Limbaugh
supporters, and taken down super-villains and mad scientists. Whether or not
Fletcher was trying to throw him off his game by annoying him is a matter only
she may know.
We do know that the Inspector led the investigation into the
murders, and that the arrest was made. Evidence into what led Ulrich to arrest
Fletcher has yet to be revealed. And yet Fletcher is now behind bars, denied
bail, and subjected to mental health testing to deem if she is fit to stand
trial. Prosecutors are tight lipped at present, only saying that they are
confident in the evidence.
In a related matter, from Los Angeles, where Metallica is
recording their latest album, Burst
Eardrums, drummer Lars Ulrich was stunned when he spoke with reporters. “Jessica
Fletcher? Under arrest? For murder? But she’s my favourite writer! All that
unmasking of murderers in the most dramatic
of ways? Is there anything better to
read than that? Hey, I’m lucky my eyes are still pretty good for reading at
this point in life. My ears are totally shot to hell.”
Readers across the world, long since fans of the author, are
in shock, cluttering up social media with comments of support on multiple
platforms. “We love you, Jessica!” was one tweet from someone calling
themselves @FletcherFan1. “Total frame job!” was the reassuring tweet from a
new account @FreeJessicaFletcher. Alison Murphy, president of the Jessica
Fletcher Fan Club, issued a terse statement by email: “We hope and pray that
this is all a terrible misunderstanding and that our Jessica will be freed from
custody with the biggest apology of all time for this travesty.”
Grady Fletcher, the suspect’s favourite nephew, arrived in
Calgary, accompanied by an attorney, Eve Simpson, also a Cabot Cove resident, representing
Fletcher herself. Simpson, a longtime realtor who turned to the law five years
ago, was busy conferring with her client. Reporters found Grady Fletcher
looking shaken and stunned. It may well be a common expression for the man. “I
don’t get it. This has to be a mistake. How could no one ever see it? She lives
in a place where lots of people end up getting murdered. She goes to a place
for one reason or another, and someone gets murdered. I mean, there’s even an
old joke about it. They call it the Cabot Cove Syndrome. I want to believe the
best of my aunt... I mean, she never tried to kill me, after all. But she’s in that jail cell ranting and roaring,
pacing back and forth, yelling about getting the head of that Metallica drummer
on a pike.”
While Inspector Ulrich isn’t talking, this reporter went to
his detachment, finding a constable who would only speak briefly. After hearing
what Grady Fletcher had said, the constable shrugged, then smiled in a way that
suggested he wasn’t the least bit concerned. “Inspector Ulrich is the man who
made Godzilla turn tail and run.
Jessica Fletcher is a ninety year old battleaxe sociopath smartypants murder
suspect. I can speak for everyone who knows him when I say that I’d like to see
her try.”
In the opinion of this reporter.... never underestimate Lars Ulrich.
Didn't you know? She's the female version of Columbo. :) Only Columbo was a true detective. She's just a nosy old woman. lol
ReplyDeleteYour post made perfect sense. Yes. She very well could be a serial killer.
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen an episode of Murder She Wrote in ages. Kind of makes me want to see if it's on Netflix, even if she is a serial killer :)
ReplyDeleteNo! We should have known!
ReplyDeleteI wondered where Lars had been hiding. Good to see him in top form.
ReplyDelete@Diane: Columbo was the best!
ReplyDelete@Shelly: and she's out to get everyone.
@Meradeth: I'm sure there are eps out there.
@Cheryl: the proof was there all along!
@Mari: Lars has been impatient with me.
I'd be scared if Jessica showed up in my town. ;)
ReplyDeleteLoved the TV show.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone misbehaved I would say I am inviting Jessica for dinner.
cheers, parsnip and thehamish
Does Lars play hockey? If he does, I wouldn't want to be an entertainment reporter in line with one of his shots....
ReplyDeleteOMG, this is too funny. I never knew Jessica but I saw her once going into a shop in New York City. She looked just like a normal, non-serial killer at the time. Great post!
ReplyDeleteGREAT!! And to think I never suspected anything behind that kindly grandmother facade;).
ReplyDeleteAh, Jessica will turn the tables and it will be Lars who dun it. Just wait and see.
ReplyDelete(Sorry, Jessica's my secret aunt)