A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so it is time once again to hear from Her Supreme Highness, the cat. Show her respect, or she will shred your coat.

7:41 AM. Slowly waking up at home. I’m hearing the sound of honking Canada geese outside.

7:42 AM. Sure enough, there they are, flying overhead. Heading south. Isn’t that so not Canadian? The moment cold weather turns up, they’re fleeing south as fast as they can. 

7:46 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Well, staff, how about we get ourselves organized and see to breakfast? And by we, I mean you.

7:49 AM. Sighing with dismay. The staff has disappointed me yet again by serving field rations.

8:02 AM. Examining the thermometer outside. Well, we’re not likely to see any warmer temperatures anytime soon. Fall is settling in, frost on the lawn outside, flying lunches flying south....

8:12 AM. With much reluctance, I eat some of the field rations. One of these days the staff and I will have to have a serious sit down as I express my wishes for a breakfast more fitting of my station as a cat.

8:16 AM. Consulting the calendar. Hallowe’en is coming. For some strange reason the staff always gives away chocolate to mewling little brats and I get none. Staff! Explain this outrage to me, post haste!

8:28 AM. I take to one of the windowsills. We’ll see how long the sun puddle lasts until I have to move again. It is so very inconvenient, at times, the sun not obeying my will....

8:32 AM. Startled by the sound of a bark. Wait a minute... is that the stupid mutt from down the road I heard?

8:33 AM. I have taken up station at the window in another room, searching for the source of that woof. And sure enough, there he is, out at the property line looking as dumb as ever. I express my disdain and contempt.

8:37 AM. Watching the dog. He seems even stupider than usual today, if that’s possible.

8:40 AM. The idiot hound finally leaves. If you ask me, and of course you asked me, he seems to be talking to himself. Good riddance, mutt! Don’t come back, either!

8:53 AM. Upstairs. On a windowsill. Surveying the vastness of my domain. No sign of irritating canines.

10:57 AM. Waking up from nap. Sun puddle has moved. Well, perhaps I’ll go downstairs and irritate the staff by walking all over her book or newspaper.

10:59 AM. No sign of the staff. Or her purse. Or the car keys. Staff! This is not acceptable! Weekends are meant for you to be at my disposal, spoiling me rotten!

11:35 AM. Brooding while staring outside. And to make it all the more annoying, I see a squirrel crossing my lawn. No doubt this is one of the ringleaders of the Great Acorn Robbery I heard about a few days ago. If I was outside right now, squirrel, you’d be in a world of peril.

12:03 PM. Giving my claws a workout on the scratching post. Doing so releases some of the scent of catnip. Oh dear. That’s going to have me in a catnip frenzy in approximately 0.06 seconds....

12:37 PM. Coming down off my catnip craze. Admittedly, such episodes do not bring out the dignity in me.

1:05 PM. The staff comes back in the front door. Staff! Explain yourself immediately. How dare you take leave of this house on a weekend without my express permission!

1:07 PM. The staff is busy unpacking some groceries. Any tuna in there for me, staff?

1:09 PM. Supervising the staff while she puts things away. It would seem the staff has been out getting Hallowe’en candy. No sign of tuna. Staff? Where’s the tuna?

5:23 PM. Waking up from nap. Dreamed of vast fields of catnip.

6:36 PM. Dinner with the staff. Nice chopped up bites of chicken. Very tasty. I don’t really understand why the staff insists on having broccoli with hers. Oh well, as long as she doesn’t give me any of that...

8:38 PM. The staff is watching a scary movie. Or so it bills itself as scary. Eddie Murphy in a haunted house? Come on, staff, that ghost doesn’t even look like a ghost. Unlike the one right behind you. No, seriously, look, the ghost of Anne Boleyn is right there. Staff? Oh, staff... no good, she won’t take the bait and buy it.

11:31 PM. The staff is off to bed. I think I’ll stay here. I know my staff, and she always has bad nights when she’s watched a scary movie. Or in this case, a really dumb and silly excuse for a scary movie. Honestly, staff, you need better taste in movies. There are a whole lot of reasons Eddie Murphy’s career tanked, and this movie was one of them.