A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:40 AM. I wake up out of a deep sleep. I dreamed of being in a field filled with catnip filled toys to shred and destroy. The smell nearly drove me insane. I’m sure there are some lowly humans out there who think that cats are already insane, but they’re no friends of mine.

7:42 AM. Up on the windowsill, staring out onto the vastness of my realm. Wait a minute. Is that frost coating my grass? Who let frost happen without consulting me?

7:43 AM. Consulting the calendar. Yes, it is indeed still summer, according to this. And yet we have frost to contend with out there. That is unacceptable, unacceptable, I say! I will have to have the staff write a tersely worded letter! There will be hell to pay!

7:50 AM. There you are, staff. It’s about time. We have things to do, you and I. First off, you must prepare me an exquisite breakfast that does not involve field rations. Then you must write a letter to the editor or to the Queen or to whoever demanding fall be put off by a couple more weeks. We haven’t even had a real summer, you know!

7:52 AM. The staff pours me a bowl of field rations. I sigh in utter dismay and roll my eyes. Staff, is it not perfectly obvious by now that I don’t like that?

7:55 AM. I meow at the door, demanding that the staff let me outside.

7:59 AM. Sniffing at frost encrusted grass. This is not good, this is not good at all. 

8:30 AM.  I can hear rustling and footfalls off in the woods. I will keep watch. It’s probably that annoying mutt from down the road. I heard his inane barking earlier.

8:32 AM. And sure enough, there he is at the property line. Stupid dog.

8:33 AM. I walk up towards the dog. He’s wagging that tail of his and panting his tongue and acting all buddy buddy, remarking on the frost.

8:34 AM. I hiss and growl at the stupid dog. He looks confused. Dogs are usually confused. It’s a dog thing.

8:35 AM. I walk away from the dog. Isis, were you in a bad mood when you created dogs? Because that’s the only reason I can see for them existing on this earth today.

8:40 AM. Waiting by the door. The annoying mutt is gone. One of these days, annoying mutt, I’ll bite that wagging tail of yours just to make it stop wagging.

8:43 AM. The staff lets me back in. Well, it’s about time, staff.

9:25 AM. Consulting the farmer’s almanac. What’s this about excessively long winter, record snowfalls, cold temperatures for months to come? Who writes this stuff? No one cleared this kind of weather with me!

9:35 AM. Staring outside. Frost seems to be fading from the grass. Still, the prospects of an early winter while we were robbed of a real summer leaves me dismayed. I should nap on this matter. Perhaps there will be some key bit of insight.

12:45 PM. Waking up. Napped well. Time for lunch.

12:46 PM. I discover that the staff has already had her lunch. Leaving me with the prospect of eating those field rations.

12:49 PM. Despite my disdain for those things, I have a few. I really have to start making my staff shape up and feed me proper breakfasts.

5:49 PM. Waking up from another nap. Dreamed of a forest filled with scratching posts.

6:15 PM. The staff is making pancakes. She requires close supervision when engaged in such tasks.

6:23 PM. The staff likes some blueberries or diced apple in some of the pancakes. Oh, it’s all right, I suppose, but why can’t you make liver pate pancakes?

6:27 PM. Now that’s more like it. A few strips of bacon in with the pancake batter is a good idea.

6:40 PM. The staff and I settle down to dinner. She’s poured me a nice bowl of milk and has set down a plate with a couple of bacon pancakes. Staff, I approve of this. It more than makes up for the field rations.

7:46 PM. Watching Jeopardy with the staff. Who is Napoleon Bonaparte, Alex?

9:48 PM. Staring up at the ceiling with great concentration. No reason, really. Just making the staff think I’m watching something that isn’t there.

Sure enough, she asks what it is.

11:55 PM. The staff turns out the lights and is off to bed. I’ll be up in awhile, staff, so don’t close the door, or I might meow my head off until you get up. Just so you know.