Deck The Halls With Overblown Singing

Now, contrary to what you might expect, this is not going to be about Christmas music.

Some time ago, I started a bit of fuss over at IMDb by posting a discussion thread apologizing on behalf of all Canadians for unleashing Justin Bieber on the world. This, of course, was in the Justin Bieber threads, so you can imagine what happened.

Of course there were those people who got it, who were very much in agreement with that, and even offered apologies for whatever abomination their country launched on the world. And at the same time, the Bieberites came out in force and lashed out for degrading their idol. Bieberites are not only tone deaf, but they're biters. Just so you know.

I rest assured that given the fickle nature of Bieber's 13 to 16 year old fan base and the established history of what happened to every single boy band act before the little twit that the Bieber fad won't last. Inside of three years, he's going to be nobody again, wondering what happened to all those millions he made, while his agent is going to be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent on the pilfered funds. None of his current fans will even admit they were ever a Justin Bieber fan. I promise you all, it won't last.

Anyway, this isn't a Bieber rant. This is another apology on behalf of my fellow Canucks.

You see, there's another musical plague we unleashed upon the world, and unlike the mop headed little cretin, this one shows no signs of ever going away.

Yes, you guessed it.

It's Celine Dion.

A few days ago I passed through a store, and given the time of year, there was Christmas music playing on the speakers. Celine was bellowing out O Holy Night. The tune's a decent song, but like so many Christmas songs, it's best done in an understated way.

Celine doesn't understand the word understated.

I think it might well have been around the time of her third English album that she went and lost her mind and transformed into the CelineZilla we all know today. I blame David Foster. The music "producer" (yes, the quotation marks are indeed because I question his credentials, work with me, people!) seems to think that music has to be done Over the top! With soaring strings! And a two hundred singer choir!

No, David, that's called overblown.

One of my early blogs was on my dislike for The Wizard of Oz. If you haven't seen it, it's here in my index, and should be obvious when you find it. It's got that other example of an overblown singer, Judy Garland, who seems to believe in murdering a song. Over The Rainbow is a perfectly decent song if it's done in an understated way. I've heard jazz singers like Jane Monheit sing it that way, and it's fine. In the hands of Judy Garland, it's overblown. It's as if her mindset was can I break glass by singing this and holding the note as long as I can for a big finish? 

There's also the Whitney Houston school of singing. Before she went off and turned into a crack addict, Whitney was blowing songs out of proportion. Have you ever heard the original version of I Will Always Love You? It's quiet, but in the shrieking wails of Whitney the Banshee... er, I mean Whitney Houston, it's an anthem, over the top, obnoxious, and enough to drive you to drink.

Celine understands that kind of mentality. Every song she sings is BIG! And OVER THE TOP! Not to mention PULLING AT THE HEARTSTRINGS NO MATTER HOW MANY PUPPIES AND BABY PICTURES WE HAVE TO SHOW ON THE BIG SCREEN!

Yes, I'm revolted too. And the woman's turned herself into an industry. With lots and lots of fans who won't let her just fade away. So unfortunately, Celine is here to stay.

To those of you who love Celine, I suggest treatment by a good therapist to help you resolve your issues. Admitting you have a problem is the first step in your recovery.

To those of you who find Celine as obnoxious as I do, I apologize. My country and I offer our deepest regrets for unleashing the CelineZilla on the rest of the world. Try not to hold it against us.

And when Celine turns up on television or the radio, in those painful, agonizing seconds before you can switch the station, yes... I know. There are times when the deaf are fortunate.