The Curse Of The Internet Scammers

Have they ever heard of giving up, getting a new hobby, or doing something else with their lives? Of course not. Has it ever occurred to them that if I suggest they should find horrible ways to die, that I'm not interested in one thing they have to say? Definitely not. Because they keep coming back and trying to post spam comments on posts about them. Yes, the spammers and the internet scammers, who just can't take a hint and go away. Despite their comments not passing by the moderation filters, or despite those comments sometimes doing so but quickly being deleted, they persist in writing barely literate comments with spam links. And despite their emails showing up in junk email folders, the internet scammers can't take a hint and find an honest way to make a living. Such is the case with these two that turned up in my email not so long ago.

This office is writing to you to let you know that we have successfully bring all foreign transaction down here because of the complains and reports we are receiving that our dear citizens are being intimidating, cheating and depriving their legal right to their inherited, winning and contract funds from foreign countries.

Therefore in proving American's greatness, all matter regarding local and international transactions from African, Europe, Asia etc has be released and a total funds of $58,700,000.00 United States Dollars is in your name according to the gathered files so far and you are to contact us today for the release and the claim of the funds if you are still interested to receive your funds as we have done our best to secure all the funds that was unable to transfer from foreign agents.

N:B After this clearing house, all unclaimed funds goes to Federal treasury as unclaimed funds as the beneficiary will be assumed dead.

Thanks,

Brian S. Hastings

United States Customs Service 

Buffalo Sector

I hope that this correspondence is received with the urgency and expediency. 

It has come to the notice of the Board of Trustees of the Federal Reserve Bank that your present inheritance/lottery/contract claims application being handled by the Remitting Bank is experiencing some man made irregularities. To this effect, it has become necessary for the Board of Trustees to assign trained Fund Transfer Specialists from the United States to resolve and regularize your fund release with immediate effect. 

We at Peter Simon & Consults have been duly consulted by the FRB Board of Trustees. We have been fully informed about how the staffs of the remitting bank has been taking advantage of you by telling you to pay unnecessarily exorbitant charges which will only make your fund payment a long drawn out process. Due to this development, we have been assigned to step into the immediate processing of your fund transfer to enable your funds to be transferred to you within the shortest possible time; To implement this, you are to get back to us immediately stating your readiness to have your long awaited fund released to without needing go through all the rigorous processes that were being demanded from you by the previous handlers at the remitting bank. All processes to have your funds paid to you immediately through the Liaison Remittance Office in Dallas, Texas have been initiated to cut out unnecessary costs. 

You are advised to treat this communication with the urgency and seriousness required as the Board of Trustees of the Federal Reserve Bank has mandated us to resolve this fund payment within the next three working days independent of the office of the Remitting Bank in Africa. Furthermore,you are hereby advised to pay no further fees or charges to the Remitting Bank as they shall no longer be handling your payment process. 

We shall await your immediate correspondence with your direct telephone numbers to my private email address (petersimonconsults@consultant.com) for re-confirmation so that we may conclude your payment immediately. 

Yours Sincerely, 

Dr. Peter Simons. 

Peter Simons & Consults 

As is always the case, there are the usual tell-tales. One of them being that they're sending these ridiculous form letters out to hundreds of thousands, if not more, random emails. We see spelling mistakes, punctuation and spacing issues. Capitalization of words that don't need them. A huge sum of money offered. Obviously they're written by someone who doesn't use English as their primary language, because most English speakers would catch such stupidity before they sent the bloody email.

Such as "the complains and reports we are receiving that our dear citizens are being intimidating, cheating, and depriving their legal right to their inherited, winning and contract funds from foreign countries." First, are your 'dear citizens' the ones being cheated and intimidated, or doing it themselves? Because the latter is how it comes across. Second, make a choice- is it inheritance, winnings, or contracts? Because it can't be all three. Especially since there's no such funds at all to be had. Because all this really happens to be is your standard advance fee scam that you bloody morons pull.

This "Brian Hastings", or whoever the hell he really is, claims, after saying I have until the end of the day to get back to him, that "all unclaimed funds goes to Federal treasury as unclaimed funds as the beneficiary will be assumed dead." Isn't that nice? Especially considering that in the real world, it takes a hell of a long time for someone to be assumed dead if they happen to disappear without a trace. But no, in the World According To Hastings, you have until 11:59 PM to answer his fake email or you're dead. Three things you should know: first, the "proving American's greatness" bullshit is grammatically incorrect. It would be America's greatness. Second, using that line, co-opting it from the worst human being alive today, is guaranteed to not appeal to me at all. And third, the only dead person I'd like to see in this equation would be you.

And then there's our second scammer story. Peter Simon (or Simons, since this asshole is so damned dumb he can't be consistent in spelling his totally fake name right) & Consults (it would be Consultants if you were a real organization, which you are not) comes up with the standard story of how I'm entitled to an inheritance/ lottery/ contract claims application. Which one is it? Make up your bloody mind, because it can't be all three. He claims this is on behalf of the Federal Reserve Bank. Again, for the record- I am not an American. I'm Canadian. Land of the snow and ice and maple syrup and a sane federal leader and hockey and moose and beavers. What part of that is so hard for you dumbasses to get? 

What I'm saying is the Federal Reserve Bank, with its Board of Governors (not Trustees, you dumbasses) is not a factor in Canada. And yet this jackass plays around with wording that sounds much too formal and not at all written by someone who has a firm grasp of the English language, trying to convince us that this is all on the up-and-up, that banks I've never heard of are working up arrangements for funds to be transferred "so that we may conclude your payment immediately."

To which I say the following.

Go to hell.

Perhaps someone else on that list of hundreds of thousands of random email addresses you've sent these off to will take the bait. What I'm telling you is that I never will. Instead I will cheerfully imagine you meeting the bad end that you so richly deserved. Crushed by falling steel off a skyscraper. Falling off something called the Cliffs Of Doom. Being mauled by angry lions. Slipping on a banana and falling into Niagara Falls. Suffering a papercut that leads to the flesh eating disease. 

What I'm saying is this- drop dead already.