A Dying Internet Scammer Should Die

There certainly has been a proverbial blizzard of them as of late. The internet scammers and spammers can't take a hint and just jump off a cliff. No, they persist in trying to leave spam comments that either never see the light of day or are quickly banished to spam folders. Poorly written automatic crap that they've sent hundreds of times to me personally, and more so to others. And they persist in sending demented scam emails such as the following line of garbage.

Firstly, I must solicit your confidence in this project; Is obvious we have not met each other,

Meeting new people in our daily lives is not an-ending circle and my apology for sending you this information by e-mail instead of Post-mail.

I decided to contact you for assistance and distribution of my inheritance after going through your profile.

I am Mrs D.Maria, an Australian by birth. My Husband was an American citizen who died years ago and we had no child,

I am sick and Dyeing at the moment and  i will be going in for an operation soon at Albert Schweitzer Ziekenhuis, Dordrecht,South Holland,in the Netherlands.

At this critical time, I want you to use my funds for the homeless and charity

This is based on my wish for charity as i have decided to WILL my funds to you and my Attorney has been notified.

Please I hope you understand the nature of this transaction, which has made me frugal.

Assure me that you will act on humanitarian motives.

Contact My Lawyer,

Barrister. Morris for guidance: morrishb@consultant.com

Mrs D.Maria

Isn't that nice? The standard internet scammer sob story. The dying old widow (dying, you crank, not dyeing) who can't spell, who has punctuation and capitalization issues, who writes like she isn't in full command of the English language (a curious thing in someone who claims to be an Australian). 

She says "Is obvious we have not met each other"- to which I say, of course not. I go out of my way to avoid meeting dirtbag scammers like you. She mangles the English language by saying that meeting "new people in our daily lives is not an-ending circle"- to which I say, seriously? Stop mangling the English language, you nitwit.

And then the sob story begins. The dead husband, the child that never was (because there was never a husband, let alone a child that never was). "I am sick and Dyeing at the moment and i will be going in for an operation soon at Albert Schweitzer Ziekenhuis, Dordrecht,South Holland,in the Netherlands." Again, the punctuation, spacing, and capitalization issues so common to the internet scammer show themselves. There actually is such a hospital in Dordrecht, in which case if this story was real (it's not), I would have to suggest that the doctors go out of their way to botch the surgery and have the old bat die on the operating table. But it's not a real story. It's a scam. 

She, he, or it goes on with the usual humanitarian angle- use the money (which she doesn't identify how much) for good causes like the homeless and charity. She's picked me (plus 500 000 other random strangers from a pile of email addresses to will (no, WILL in all capitals so you can tell this is all totally on the up and up) her funds and says her attorney has been informed. She asks me to assure her that I will act on humanitarian motives.

Humanitarian? Me?

Please. 

If that inheritance was real (it's not), my instinct would be to borrow a phrase from Captain Sparrow and just say "it is my intention to raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out."

Nice try, you dimwit. You're not dying. There is no inheritance. This is all the standard advance fee crap that winds up costing the poor sucker who thinks it's genuine a few thousand dollars before they wise up. I've seen this nonsense before, often twice, from people who have sent the same email message claiming they were dying and had two months to live... five years apart. So as much as I'd like for you to just die already (hopefully in some way that painkillers are useless to do much about), it just isn't happening. Because internet scammers can't take a hint and just die already. 

Unless we send a snarky and very thorough merc with a mouth after them. But unfortunately he's not real either.