A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so now it is the time for the cat to have her say. Your Imperial Grace, the floor is yours.

7:31 AM. Slowly wake up at home. Big stretch, yes, just like that, and a yawn to finish it off. I’m ready to face the day, kick some butt, and take some names. And since this is a Saturday, that means I have the staff all to myself.

7:37 AM. Well, there you are, staff. How about we get ourselves started on breakfast? And of course by we, I mean you. I can’t open cabinets and serve myself, you know. Now then, I would like my milk in a slightly chilled bowl, and a plate of tuna served post haste. I do not want to see any trace of field rations, so be a good staff and see to it.

7:41 AM. Staring at a bowl of field rations. Staring up at the staff. How many times, staff, have I told you I don’t care for field rations?

7:42 AM. Walking away from the staff and the field rations. Hopefully sooner or later she’ll take the hint.

7:55 AM. Let’s see, what’s on my to-do list today? Scratching post exercises, nap, settling on the staff’s reading material, more naps, maybe tweet some stuff to dog lovers, you know, the usual, like cats rule, dogs drool...

8:12 AM. Startled out of my reverie by the loud sound of a single woof from outside. That sounds distinctly like that annoying mutt from down the road.

8:13 AM. Have found a perch on a windowsill to look out over where I think the barking came from. I am scanning the property and the woods beyond. The stupid dog must have been there, but now he’s gone. Laugh it up, mutt, but someday I’ll be the one sneaking up on you.

8:17 AM. Staff! There you are! I assume you heard that barking from that irritating hound. How dare he turn up around my property without my express permission! I demand you do something about it! Like giving his human a stern talking to! 

Staff? Staff? Hey, get back here!

8:31 AM. Reluctantly, I eat some of the field rations.

8:54 AM. I think a nap is in order. Yes, that would suit me just fine.

11:48 AM. Waking up suddenly. Sniffing with nostrils... turning around. The staff just gave the scratching post a spraying of catnip. Out of my way! Launching full feline attack on that scratching post!

12:23 PM. Slowly coming down off that catnip high and ferocious assault on the scratching post. If there was a cop in the room right now, I’d just have to say, sorry, officer, I can’t help myself. I’m addicted to the nip.

12:36 PM. Lunch with the staff. She’s given me a couple of slices of smoked meat. That is much more to my liking than field rations, staff. You don’t suppose the butcher could make this with a bit of catnip mixed into the recipe, do you?

1:35 PM. I see the staff is reading. You know, there is no better place in the house- at least at this moment in time- for a nap than on top of her book.

1:36 PM. Have successfully settled myself on top of the staff’s book and lap. She sighs with exasperation, which I make up for with some particularly strong purring. Works every time.

3:43 PM. Waking up on the couch. Hey... how did the staff extract herself from beneath me without waking me up?

3:46 PM. Finding the staff doing some ironing. I give her a head bonk to the leg. Staff? Who gave you permission to get up? Because I certainly did not.

4:32 PM. Watching the Weather Channel. An update on the cleanup from that big blizzard down in the States a few days back. Some areas are still snowed under. You know, if that snow fell around here, it would just be another snowstorm. Down there, it’s gridlock for a month.

6:07 PM. Staff working on dinner in the kitchen. Smells like omelette. Just as long as she cooks some meat into it. Oh, and I’d prefer a bit of onion with mine. I mean, omelette without onion would just be uncivilized.

6:22 PM. Dinner with the staff. Yes, she’s given me some omelette. With onion. Though for some reason she cooked green olives into it. Well, okay, this one time I’ll put up with it. Had you cooked broccoli into the omelette, staff... that would be unacceptable.

6:41 PM.  The staff’s doing the dishes. I’m busy staring at the ceiling, pondering the answer to the great mystery in life: if you had to save one of two things, which would it be- a ball of yarn or the catnip?

7:36 PM. The staff settles in with another book on the couch. I decide to give her a break instead of launching yet another occupy her lap operation.

8:46 PM. Okay. Time to have a look and see what she's reading now.

8:48 PM. Sitting on the back of the couch, reading over the staff’s shoulder. Staff, we seriously need to get you better reading material, because these 50 Shades books were written by an awful writer. Seriously, a room full of dogs could write a better book. They’d probably title it Chasing Tail.

9:23 PM. Musing on the big questions of life. Are humans meant to be anything but our servants? What is the meaning of the red dot? And can other forms of life purr?

11:36 PM. The staff is off to bed. Well, good night, staff. I’ll be busy down here finding a place to hide that book of yours. I think the fireplace is a perfectly suitable place, don’t you? Of course, the problem with that is that my claws can’t open the screens. Oh well, it was an entertaining thought.