Does Nutella Stay Fresh In A Post Apocalyptic World?

Before getting to today's mischief, some business to see to. On a frequent basis, my partner in crime Norma and I chatter away by email about ideas that might make for good blogs. There might not be enough material for a blog, though, but there's an alternative. The International Intruder started out as something of an inside joke years ago for Norma and fellow authors. She and I resurrected it over at Facebook. Some of these small ideas we get in mind make for good fake newspaper articles, so go on over, have a look, and click on like!

Now, as for other fake newspaper articles....

Thieves Make Brazen Heist of Delicious Sandwich Spread Before Getting Caught

Berlin (AP).  After the recent theft of five tons of Nutella in the German town of Bad Hersfeld in recent days, authorities knew they would have to move quickly to calm public fears of a shortage of the delicious food. A group of thieves stole the Nutella, valued at over $20 000 American, from a parked trailer several days ago. The spread, which is made by the Italian company Ferrero and beloved for its exquisite taste by millions all across the world, proved to be too tempting a target for thieves.

“I don’t know who thinks of it as a sandwich spread,” Ferrero spokesperson Anna Mastrionni told reporters from the company headquarters the day after the theft. “After all, it’s something you eat directly from the spoon. Nevertheless, let us reassure everyone that there will be no shortage of Nutella due to this unfortunate incident. We are taking steps to ensure that the supply is uninterrupted, and we have every confidence that the police will soon have the culprits in custody.”

Chancellor Angela Merkel looked grim later that day as she spoke to reporters. “This isn’t funny,” she remarked. “Give us back our Nutella! You don’t want to see a German get angry, do you?”

German authorities ran down every lead they could on the theft. Every theory was explored, from a black market Nutella ring to the notion of someone hosting a Boy Scout jamboree who was just too cheap to buy spreads for sandwiches and so decided to steal it instead. The theory was even suggested that a group of marijuana users wanted the Nutella to complete their brownies, cupcakes, and cheetos collection of munchies. The decision was made to call in for some outside help. From across the ocean, legendary RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich arrived on a flight from Alberta.

Ulrich, the grouchy and yet heroic Mountie who has saved the world from a Muppet super-villain, and who once rescued the Stanley Cup from kidnappers, has a reputation for fearlessness and a loathing for entertainment reporters. Last year he investigated a similar theft involving maple syrup in Canada, and singlehandedly brought down the thieves. He was in the country before reporters even knew he was there, conferring with German police, looking at the evidence, following leads.

Within two days, Ulrich had determined the ultimate fate of the five tons of Nutella, leading German police to an isolated rural property in the northern reaches of Germany. There a standoff began, with what police described as an “end of the world” survivalist who had taken the Nutella to stock his underground bunker. Karl von Boch, described by neighbours as “disturbed” and “completely insane” held off police from his bunker entrance, swearing that he’d never let anyone take his Nutella from him.

While the police kept von Boch occupied, Ulrich apparently flanked the survivalist, taking him by surprise, disarming him, and knocking him out. He then singlehandedly went into the bunker, and, in the words of police spokespeople, forced the rest of von Boch’s inner circle to surrender. They did so without incident.

Reporters kept at a distance watched as von Boch was taken into custody. The survivalist was ranting about the “coming of the zombie plot bunnies” and the “Illuminati Sisterhood”. His five co-conspirators were taken into custody and booked without incident. The Nutella was removed with reverence and awe by police crime scene officers and carefully accounted for. Inspector Ulrich himself seemed to frown when he saw the reporters gathered at the road on his way out.

When asked how he persuaded the remaining members of the theft ring to surrender, Ulrich shrugged. “I glared at them. Apparently my glare makes people quake in fear. They all dropped their weapons without so much as a word. Now, if you’ll excuse me...”

“Lars! Lars! I’m Hans Olbricht, with TMZ Germany. If you’re here, is it true that Metallica is going to do a concert with David Hasselhoff?”

Ulrich stared at Olbricht for a long moment in a way that would have suggested he was calculating the amount of time needed to tie a noose around his neck. The real reporters on the site seemed to part in two, as if to give the Inspector a clear path to the entertainment reporter. Finally he spoke in a low, growling voice. “You know, I’ve never understood the German fascination with David Hasselhoff. The man is a complete horse’s ass.” Every German reporter in the crowd seemed to gasp in shock. “And by the way, you witless buffoon...I am not that Lars Ulrich!!!!”

Olbricht looked confused. Entertainment reporters always look like that. Finally he asked, “So is that a no to Metallica and Hasselhoff doing a duet of Helter Skelter?”

Inspector Ulrich charged the reporter, who started running for his life. When last seen, Ulrich was chasing him towards the North Sea. In the opinion of this reporter, Olbricht won’t be missed.