A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:55 AM. Awake. The staff appears to already be up and about. How did she get out of bed without my knowing? This is most perplexing.

8:00 AM. Have descended stairs, and have located staff having cup of coffee in kitchen. Staff, I don't know if I should be annoyed with you for not waking me. I am expecting some breakfast now that I'm awake. Scrambled eggs, some fried sausages, and fried potatoes would do swimmingly. Chop chop, get to it. I'll expect it within ten minutes.

8:05 AM. Staring out front window. It appears that spring has finally reared its head. More of the snow is melting. It can't happen soon enough for me.

8:10 AM. Staff calls me for breakfast. Staff, it would be much more fitting if you used the term, Your Royal Majesty when calling me.

8:11 AM. Walking into kitchen. Utterly dismayed by lack of scrambled eggs, sausage, and home fries. Instead I find field rations in my dish. Staff, this is not what we discussed. Am I going to have to go out and find myself a whole new staff?

8:15 AM. After much eye rolling, glaring, and reluctance, I have settled in to eat breakfast. Staff, you and I shall have words later, I can promise you that.

8:50 AM. The staff lets me out for a stroll. Peering off the terrace. What with all that snow melting, it looks wet.

I don't like wet.

8:55 AM. Off in the distance, I can hear barking. It must be that silly mutt. He does that a lot. 

After much reluctance, I step off the terrace. Must find a path that's relatively dry. Getting wet is certainly not on my agenda for today.

9:00 AM. Starting formal explorations, examining my property and its surroundings. Yes, spring has sprung. There's a warmth in the air... though no robins are kind enough to make themselves my early spring snack. More's the pity.

9:05 AM. Examining large pool of shallow meltwater. It might only be a half inch deep... but I certainly can't walk through that. I'll get my feet wet.

9:25 AM. Watching birds making a nest. Why can't you flying meals make a nest down here where I can more easily get at you? Birds? Birds?

Lousy flying meals. They don't even make things simple for me.

9:30 AM. Oh, wonderful. It's that stupid dog. And he's just covered in mud. He's absolutely filthy. What has he been rolling around in?

Rats. He's just seen me. He's coming this way.

Can't this mutt take a hint? I don't like dogs!

9:31 AM. The dog seems deliriously pleased with himself for fetching a big stick. The filthiness is even more apparent up close. You do realize, dog, that the human who for some reason puts up with you won't be pleased by that?

9:32 AM. Have had my fill of interacting with an annoying mutt for one day. Have delivered a clawed smack across his snout. Walking away in disdain. It is, after all, the feline way.

9:45 AM. On way home. Walking in the grass alongside road. Lost in thought.

At least until a truck passes by on the road... and splashes a poolful of water onto me.

Hey! That isn't funny! I'm drenched!

9:50 AM. Have put more distance away from myself and the road. Annoyed beyond all comprehension. Soaked completely, and plotting revenge against that truck driver. Unfortunately I have no idea who it was... but if I ever find out, I'll have them fitted for cement shoes.

Of course, I'll have to have a human do the grunt work. Somehow I suspect mixing cement might be beyond the physical capabilities of a cat.

10:05 AM. Home at last. The staff opens the door for me and looks astonished. Quiet, staff. I need a warm fireplace and an hour to get myself properly cleaned after that travesty. And I need you to have a truck driver rubbed out. Are you taking notes, by the way?

11:15 AM. Finally finished with the tediousness of a full clean up. Time for a nap. This just hasn't been my day...

1:30 PM. Waking up. Feeling somewhat more rested. Staff, how about a bite to eat?

1:35 PM. No sign of staff in house. Car gone outside. It's not a work day, right? She wouldn't have been here to let me back in. She must have gone out to run errands.

Without clearing it with me first. Oh, staff, you and I shall have words...

3:30 PM. Sound of a car arriving. Looking out front window. Ah, there's the staff. With some grocery bags. There had better be some exquisite tuna in there, staff.

3:31 PM. Staff comes inside with the first of the groceries. Now, staff, why didn't you tell  me you were going? I would have demanded some catnip on your shopping list, after all...

3:33 PM. Staff outside getting another load of groceries. Sniffing around in the bags on the table. Not getting any sense of tuna.

4:10 PM. Staff has packed away all of the groceries. Much to my dismay, she brought more field rations. Staff, I have told you many times, I do not care for field rations.

7:15 PM. Staff having dinner. She has made up for her breakfast serving of giving me field rations by giving me cubes of lamb for dinner. Much better, staff. Now, if you can give me lamb for breakfast too, I'd be even more pleased with you.

10:50 PM. Staff bawling her eyes out watching the end of a movie. Bedtime soon, no doubt. Staff, as I have expressed to you many, many times, these Nicholas Sparks adaptations are just like the books: sentimental nonsense that just tugs at the heartstrings and are little more than variations on the same theme.

Next time we watch something different. Like The Ghost And The Darkness. I like that movie. Even though I'd prefer an alternate ending where the lions kill both Val Kilmer and Michael Douglas.