Never Trust Me With Your Eulogy

 The following is why I should never be allowed to give a speech, whether it's for a funeral, a wedding, or anything else.

Dear friends, thank you for coming out on what is a somber day, when we remember our good friends Alex and Kate. We're all still trying to process the news. It seems so unfair, to die so young, with their whole lives ahead of them and so much to be done. Better that it would have been peacefully in their sleep, decades from now as elderly people. Just like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car, but let's not get off track.

Kate and Alex lived life to the fullest, even at their young age. They had known each other since childhood, were the best of friends. Went off to university together. Caused all sorts of mischief, some of which I was part of. The infamous prank we pulled on Professor Watson and sending his car into the River Tay is still talked about all over St. Andrew's. Oh, Professor. I wasn't aware that you would be attending today. Sorry, forget I said anything.

Where was I? Oh, right. Alex and Kate. Inseparable in life, and inseparable in death, it seems. Both of them in these coffins before us, to be buried side by side. Most of us who knew them would have expected them to get settled down after university, get married, start a family, that sort of thing. But that's not going to happen now, is it?

Because they're dead.

It's tragic. Because they loved doing what they did.

What they did killed them.

Let's just deal with the facts at hand. I know we're all unsettled by what happened. I mean, those caskets are closed for a reason. 

In some ways, I blame myself for it all. If I had been there, it wouldn't have happened. They'd be safe and we'd probably be having lunch down at the pub right now instead of attending a funeral.

But things happen. We were all supposed to go on a jump last Saturday, but of all the days to come down with a cold... well, that was mine.

So instead they asked that bloody sod Daniel Wallingford to come along.

Now, yes. Admittedly Daniel is a rated, qualified skydiver... just like me, just like Alex and Kate were. But Daniel is, sorry to say, a full blown alcoholic these days. 

So let's go through it. We've been told that the three of them went up with the pilot for a jump. Alex and Kate have done this dozens of times. They're up there, getting ready to jump. But from what we're hearing, what they didn't see was Daniel, opening up a can of Guinness and taking a few swallows. Which breaks a few rules of skydiving. Don't drink and jump. I'm just saying. But again, Daniel is a full blown alcoholic.

So Alex and Kate jump. No issue. They start on their way back to earth. 

And then there's Daniel. Pilot said he stumbled to the door and just stepped out.

What happened next defies physics.

Alex and Kate had pulled their chutes and were slowing down their descent already. 

Daniel had another can of Guinness with him. It slipped out of his harness as he pulled his chute, and started falling. At high speed.

Straight towards Alex and Kate. 

Somehow- and again, all we've got at this point is Daniel's statement to the police on this one- the can tore right through Alex's chute. It must have hit Alex in the head before it kept going, because he didn't pull his reserve chute. His main chute started tearing apart because of the damage, and he started falling faster. 

And if that wasn't bad enough, that same can did the same thing to Kate's chute. Tore a hole right through it, causing enough damage that it started coming apart too. We can only guess that she was hit by the can in the head as it went by, because she didn't pull her reserve chute either. 

That can was later found, having reached its final velocity, smashed through the front windshield of a Porsche driver. The driver, we're told, still owes 75 000 pounds for it and is said to be devastated.

Alex and Kate? They hit the ground. Faster than they would have expected.

It was that old crone Mrs. Gogarty who heard two loud thumps outside her farmhouse. Oh, Mrs. Gogarty, I wasn't aware you were gracing us with your presence. Where was I? Oh, right. Well. What can I say? 

It's a hell of a thing, skydiving. You experience the thrill of falling through the air, the rush of pulling that chute, and the joy of existence. 

And then one day, a whole lot of little things go wrong all at once, and you're.... well, you're pancaked. 

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it that way. It just would have been better if it had been Daniel pancaking into the ground, instead of sitting in a jail cell right now facing criminal charges. I've always hated that wanker.

Well, to wrap things up. Let's all remember Alex and Kate as they were in life, happy and joyful.

And try not to dwell on the last twenty seconds of their lives.