New Year, Same Old Internet Scams

They are the accursed. The damned. The wretched. The wastes of oxygen otherwise known as internet scammers and spammers, who persist in sending comments and emails peddling the too good to be true scams, gambling sites for the other side of the bloody planet (Ratana, you useless, worthless prick, I'm talking about you), totally fake con artist spell casters and witch doctors, and otherwise other sites. Or they're the sort who demonstrate that they never read a thing you wrote (Rajani, that's aimed squarely at you- you're the asshole who writes "mind blowing post" and "please read my post" on numerous blog posts, including that of a woman talking about her cancer diagnosis. That, Rajani, is a complete asshole thing to do. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on).

Some of you might remember a post from 2019 in which I took apart a spam comment from the standard scammer, a cancer widow saying she was from Malta by the unlikely name of Ruphina Bruce. Here it is in its entirety.

Dear Sir/Ma,

My name is Mrs. Ruphina Bruce, I am 89 years old widow living in Malta island close to Italy, I am the Mother of late Mr. James Bruce my only son who was a minister of Aviation in my country Malta. My son James and his wife died 5 years ago in Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 that crashed on the 8th of March 2014,please you can visit this link

for more details of the plane crash that killed my son and his wife.My son James and his wife left behind their only 9 years old daughter whose name is Melina. Melina is my only grandchild and the only heir of my late son Mr. James Bruce.

My son James was not a billionaire but the little he left for his only daughter Melina before he passed on if it is well managed by a good business man or woman in the foreign land; I think my granddaughter’s future will be secured.

My dear, my utmost reason of writing you is because I need your urgent assistance, I want to send my granddaughter (Melina) to you so that she can live with you in your country, this is a very hard decision for me but my condition has forced me to do this which i must do urgently because the doctor said i have little time to live due to the Cancer disease i am currently battling with, my granddaughter (Melina) is very young but rich and lonely,i am the only family she's got ever since she lost her parents, but now i am very old and weak and if anything happens to me she does not know what to do or where to go, this is why i am asking you if you can adopt her and take care of her like your own child.

please do not worry about the cost of securing Melina’s traveling document and her welfare because Melina is Rich, Melina’s father had deposited the sum of $21 million usd in Universal bank for Melina and instructed me to handle the online login to the account to Melina when she turns 18, But since i do not have much time to live due to old age and my poor health condition i therefore seek your assistance and honesty to help me adopt melina to take good care of her and handle the funds for her.

With the online account login details which i will hand over to you will enable you transfer the fund from the account to any other bank account of your choice,Please I want you to use part of this money for Melina upbring and her education, then invest the other part in a good business and most importantly, I want you to take good care of Melina, give her all the support and love she needs.

My dear, I am writing you because I am very old and weak now, I can’t walk or even see clearly, what you are reading now was writing by my house help “Jonny” with my instruction, so please do not get me wrong because I can’t even see the letters on the computer keyboard let alone type a word. I do not speak English, I speak Maltese so everything here is translated

As soon as I hear a positive response from you, I will release the online bank account details to you to enable you withdraw the required fund to arrange for my granddaughters trip to meet you in your country. .

Thanks

My greetings to you and your family

Mrs. Ruphina Bruce.

Back in November I got an actual comment in that very same post, reporting that Ruphina was still alive and kicking. Here it is:

Ruphina is still going strong despite the "terminal cancer" diagnosis in 2019 as I have just had the exact same e mail in November 2021.Looking closely it comes from Marcus Adebayo , not a very Maltese name !

Sigh. They never learn, do they?

You'd think that it would occur to them to tweak their story if they're going to go with the dying of cancer angle. Names changed. Places. The narrative. Because when you're passing yourself off as a dying of cancer pity me victim, it speaks volumes that three years later you're still alive and writing the exact same thing to other people.

Because you didn't die of cancer. More's the pity, because if anyone on the planet deserves to die of cancer, it's you. And that prat Rajani, who thinks his 'pay attention to me' comments on a cancer diagnosis post is a good thing. Hear that, Rajani? You should die of cancer. There. Said it. I'll no doubt say it again.

But no, these scammers are, well, pretty stupid. They're not asking themselves how credible their fake sob stories sound (hint: they aren't). They're not suggesting to themselves that maybe they ought to call it a day and find some honest line of work. They're not wondering if they're being ridiculed.

No, they're just focused on the one person in a half million random email accounts they send this crap too. That one person who's dumber than they are. Who thinks it's real. Who's foolish enough to buy the bait and send what's inevitably the two or five thousand dollar 'administrative fee' to the first email address in a long daisy chain of email addresses ultimately leading not to a dying widow who wants them to do good works with the money being given to a random stranger- but to a scam artist in some distant part of the world.

Because that one person is foolish enough to do it.

You wish they'd take a hint already and just drop dead. I've actively suggested it many times. I've counselled them to cease their wasting of oxygen that's better used for people who contribute something to the world. I've asked them to consider throwing themselves off a cliff. I've even recommended more colourful and stringent ways of ending their existence. After all, who would miss them?

But all for not. I'm still getting comments from totally fake people gushing about totally fake spell casting witch doctors with regularity. I'm still getting spam comments from the Ratanas of the world. And every once in awhile I still get comments from Rajani the 'copy paste feel good posts'  and 'pay attention to me' nitwit (who really should die of cancer). 

Nice try, Ruphina. First, congratulations on not dying yet of that totally fake cancer diagnosis. A diagnosis made by a totally fake doctor, and made to a totally fake patient. Second, it's nice to know that you're still at it, and that people see right through your line of bullshit. 

I still stand by what I generally say to spammers and scammers in these parts.

Drop dead.

Fuck you.

And rot in hell.

That's me saying it nicely.