A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the perspective of the cat and the dog. As always, the dog gets the first say.

7:12 AM. Waking up at home. Slept exceptionally well. Dreamed of chasing snowmen. 

7:15 AM. A look outside at things. Birds around the feeders. Fresh snow in the night. You know, for whatever reason, I get that some people don’t like winter, but there’s nothing quite like running through fresh powder, barking your head off, with not a care in the world. This world would be a lot better if more people were like dogs.

7:18 AM. Waiting on the human to come downstairs. I mean, as much as I’m raring to get out there and get running, we have to think of priorities, after all. And the big priority right now is breakfast. The most important meal of the day, in a five way tie with lunch, dinner, snacks, and more snacks.

7:19 AM. ….and it’s not as if I can see to my breakfast all by myself. I mean, the kibbles are in the pantry, after all, and that not having opposable thumbs issue makes opening doors problematic. I wonder if dogs can someday figure out a way to compensate for that. 

7:23 AM. The human comes downstairs. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn’t it? The sort of cold day that makes you feel glad to be alive. Say, have you given any thought to my breakfast? I’m just saying, it’s been nine hours since I scarfed down that oatmeal cookie, and I’m famished.

7:25 AM. Thumping my tail with anticipation as the human pours me a big bowl of kibbles. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy…

7:26 AM. Licking my lips after finishing off the kibbles. That was good! And only seven seconds off my all time fastest eating of breakfast. 

7:31 AM. Inquiring with the human as to if she can let me out for my run. 

7:33 AM. The human lets me out the back door. I break out into a sprint as I bolt into the snow. See you later, human!

7:38 AM. Sprinting through the fresh powder, barking my head off, as happy as I can be.

8:03 AM. Stopping by to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hey, Spike!

8:05 AM. Spike and I compare notes on the relatively early snow cover we’ve got. He says his humans had to get their snow tires put on sooner than they expected. Mine says it’s going to be a very long winter. But that’s a good thing.

8:09 AM. Spike and I discuss the movements of the enemy. I know the squirrels have been raiding the bird feeders. What it is about sunflower seeds that they like is a mystery to me, but regardless, they must be up to something, Spike. Something nefarious and evil. Because that’s what a squirrel would do.

8:22 AM. Parting ways with Spike. He agrees to keep me informed when the mailman passes his way. We pledge to give the mailman a serious barking at. Because mailmen are evil, and deserve no peace of mind. If you ask me, they’re in some unholy alliance with the squirrels and the vet, and it’s got something to do with world domination.

8:39 AM. Returning home, and barking to alert the human to my return. Human! It is I! Loki, Annoyer of Mailmen and Chewer of Slippers! Let me in!

8:41 AM The human opens the door, but is wise to my methods, and stops me from getting inside so that I can shake the snow out of my fur indoors. Instead she starts a vigorous application of the Towel of Torment.

8:44 AM. Finally back inside after the human’s done with me. I settle into the living room for a nap, wondering why it is humans find the smell of a wet dog so disagreeable.

10:53 AM. Mooching a cookie off the human while she has her morning coffee. Yum yum yum!

12:09 PM. Using my patented sad eyes look to convince the human give me a couple of dinner rolls for lunch. What’s all the better is that there’s ham and cheese on the rolls.

1:28 PM. Barking up a storm when the mailman’s dropping off mail at the box and driving away. I keep barking when he’s gone. And don’t you ever come back! You hear me???

3:01 PM. The human is having her afternoon tea. She’s been kind enough to give me a couple of cookies, which I scarf down without hesitation.

4:13 PM. Watching the Weather Network with the human. What was supposed to be a normal forecast with that meteorologist who just got out of the mental hospital- again- has deteriorated into a speech of panic and paranoia. Why do they keep letting this guy come back to work?

5:39 PM. The human is making bacon pancakes. I am busy watching. And thumping my tail against the floor.

6:10 PM. Dinner with the human. I must say, there’s nothing quite like bacon pancakes on a cold day. Thanks, human!

8:17 PM. Lying on my back in the living room, pondering the great mysteries. Do humans lie about chocolate being bad for dogs, just so they can eat more of it?

11:24 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Sleep well. I’ll stay on guard down here against any incursions by rabid squirrels. Nothing to worry about there at all.  Right? Of course right.