A Day In The Life Of A Cat

As I always start with the perspective of the dog, it is also true that the cat must have the last word. And so I hand it over to one of the supreme beings occupying the planet.

7:01 AM. Waking up at home. Taking a big stretch and getting ready to face the day. Slept exceedingly well. Two items on the agenda to be addressed: my breakfast and figuring out when I want to take my next nap.

7:03 AM. A look outside finds flying lunches pecking around at the grass. If I had an open window I'd be out there so fast. Oh well. Such is life.

7:10 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs and see to my breakfast. This is one of those things I can't do by myself, after all, and what else is my staff for except to wait on me hand and foot?

7:19 AM. The staff finally gets downstairs after all this patient waiting. Very well, staff. It's time for you to start seeing to my breakfast. Now, here's what I want for my optimal morning eating experience...

7:20 AM. ...and while we're at it, staff, would it kill you to get up a half hour earlier and come on down and put a plate in the fridge? As I've told you many times, breakfast is best enjoyed on a pre-chilled plate.

7:22 AM. The staff puts down my breakfast. The tuna and bowl of milk meet with my approval. The bowl of field rations does not.

7:24 AM. Finished with my breakfast. I shall ignore the field rations.

7:26 AM. Leaving the staff to her own breakfast. I have some brooding to do on the back of the couch.

7:28 AM. Somewhere in the distance I can hear the incessant barking of that foul hound who lives down the road. He had better not show up here, or there'll be hell to pay...

7:42 AM. The staff is on her way out the door to go off to that place she calls work. I remind her that we're running low on milk and to stop by the store on the way home.

7:44 AM. Observing the staff leave in her car, heading down the driveway. Well, it's actually my car since I own everything here, including my staff, but I'm generous enough to let her drive it.

Besides, there's no way I can drive that thing.

7:53 AM. Contemplating some of life's great mysteries. The best way to stalk a bird. What purpose dogs actually serve in life. Is the universe a big ball of string?

8:29 AM. Have spent the last half hour doing a thorough inspection of the house. All appears to be in order.

I believe a nap is called for.

11:29 AM. Waking up. A good sleep. Dreamed of the world's biggest scratching pole.

11:31 AM. You know, I think I could use a bite to eat right about now...

11:32 AM. In the kitchen. Oh, that's right. All that's left out is that bowl of field rations.

11:34 AM. After much back and forth debate, I decide I must forgo my reservations and eat some of the field rations.

11:36 AM. Must speak with the staff about some sort of automatic food dispenser that would deliver treats on command. Well, I already have that, but that's my staff. No, I mean when she's gone to work.

12:03 PM. Looking out a window. Snapping turtle walking through the back yard. I call for his attention.

12:04 PM. The turtle advises me that he had a run-in with that annoying dog in the woods four hours ago. 

Two things: it took you this long to get here? And did you bite him?

1:28 PM. I can hear the distant barking of that idiot mutt. The mailman must be in the area. Does it not occur to him that the guy's just doing his job?

3:49 PM. Waking up from another nap. Slept well. Should be able to make it through until evening without more naps.

5:27 PM. The staff comes home with groceries. So there you are. Tell me you got milk.

6:32 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made bacon pancakes. And she's cut a couple of them up into nice bite sized chunks for me. This I approve of, staff. It makes me completely overlook your constantly pouring me a bowl of field rations.

8:48 PM. Lying on the couch pondering some of life's greatest mysteries. What is the meaning of the Box?

11:31 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Sleep well. I'll most likely walk all over you in the middle of the night for no reason.

Just so you know in advance.