The Narcissists And The Curse

It has been quite some time since I last featured the world's most unusual marriage and the pair of narcissists making up the combination. And so here we have it.

Fate Of Show Still Up In The Air; Narcissistic Spouses Could Care Less

Toronto (CP) How long is too long for a television show? Some successful programs come to an end before they wear out their welcome. The common suggestion seems to indicate that seven seasons is a good spot to end, but all too often, with high ratings, studios pressure the production team and cast of a successful show to carry on, even after it has jumped the shark. This probably explains why Grey’s Anatomy is still on the air, airing its fifteenth season.

“It’s like this,” an anonymous source in ABC’s higher echelons confided. “Shonda Rhimes has some serious blackmail material on me. So Grey’s Anatomy stays on the air until she says it’s done, and not one moment earlier. If it was up to me, I’d have cancelled it seven seasons ago. Wait, you’re not going to publish that whole thing about the blackmail material, are you?”

The fate of one show, featuring an alumnus of Grey’s Anatomy, is still up in the air. Suits airs on the USA cable network, and is produced by Universal Cable. Filmed in Toronto, it follows a fictional New York law firm and is presently in its eighth season, with the second half of the season due to return in January. Ratings have declined, as one expects with a show that’s had cast turnover and has been on the air for a few years. Whether or not there will be a season nine remains a question mark. The show is most noted these days for a former cast member who left at the end of the seventh season. Meghan Markle went off to marry Prince Harry, and her character was written out.

Season Eight saw some changes, including the elevation of recurring cast members to regular status and the addition of a character played by a Grey’s cast member. Samantha Wheeler, a conniving attorney, is played by Katherine Heigl. And Katherine Heigl. No, this reporter did not just repeat himself. Two Katherine Heigls take turns playing the character.

Some time ago, the narcissistic actress underwent a strange quest. Heigl had been a running joke for many things: her domineering stage mother, her Grey’s time, a string of box office duds, and the failed series State Of Affairs, to the point where the phrase Heigl Curse had been coined for any project she came near. Heigl employed the services of former physics professor Doctor Otto von Frankenstein (no relation), a self-described expert in parallel realities. Frankenstein succeeded in breaching dimensional walls so that Heigl could find her one true love- herself.

The two Katherine Heigls have spent the last four years together, ignoring the stage mother of this reality’s Katherine Heigl, getting married in what they called the Wedding of the Millennium, engaging in public displays of affection and debauchery, fawning all over each other, and occasionally receiving citations for public nudity. They’ve even shared roles, playing Samantha Wheeler in turn. The fact that they look exactly alike helps considerably. Whether or not it endears them to the rest of the cast is a different matter.

Doctor Frankenstein, removed from his tenured post in Vienna for committing an act that breached all ethics of his profession, is apologetic these days. “I did warn her that if anything went wrong, reality could collapse in on itself, but she was more concerned with finding herself- literally- so she could have her way with herself.” The scientist seemed remorseful when reached by phone at his chalet in the Alps. “Look, it could have all been worse. My scans indicated a world where its Katherine Heigl had become all powerful and was worshiped as a goddess. That would be even worse than the multiverse collapsing in on itself, right?”

“It’s a spectacle,” one cast member admitted on set in Toronto, where filming for the second half of Season Eight continues. “The two of them are all over each other all the time. I mean, we’ve walked in on them, in flagrante delicto. I think they like being watched. On the one hand, okay, to each their own, but on the other hand, how about a little workplace professionalism?”

Another cast member, also speaking anonymously, seemed dismayed. “I can see why nobody over at Grey’s wants her… well, now it’s them… back on the show. I mean, yes, actors do tend to be self-absorbed, but this is on a scale that’s ridiculous.”

Canadian psychologist Ciara Derrick, a specialist in narcissism among the rich and famous, agrees. “Invariably actors, once they’ve become successful, tend to fall prey to the trap of ego. Often it becomes out of control. The classic case example is Tom Cruise, who has become, to use a clinical term, batshit crazy,” she told this reporter at her offices in Toronto. 

“Fortunately in the case of extreme egos, such as Mr. Cruise, or the Heigls, there are people in the industry who tend to keep serious narcissists from working on the same project. By the same token, studios make sure that none of them will ever work with Michael Bay. It’s about maintaining peace and good order on set- an entire safety protocol has been built into the industry for this sort of thing. They learned that in Hollywood the hard way after the Judy Garland and John Wayne fiasco of 1948.”

That is a reference to the failed movie musical Cowboys In Central Park, a project which MGM spent years trying to deny ever existed. Rumours to this day persist that in some forgotten corner of a warehouse, a film reel containing one day’s of shooting of the project may still be found. The film shoot came to a bad end on the fourth of February, 1948, when a Category Six Garland Tantrum met a Category Five Wayne Ego Taunt. Sixteen people died in the brawl between the stars that destroyed the set, and ever after, executives went out of their way to keep Garland and Wayne at least six miles apart at all times.

“Fortunately the Heigls are the exception,” Derrick confirmed. “Yes, both Katherine Heigls have rampant egos, but the fact that they are the same person, albeit from different dimensions, means that the two egos cancel each other out and they can live in harmony. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the two of them are exhibitionists who want to show off for the entire world.”

While executives at Universal Cable debate the notion of renewing the series in the face of failing ratings, the narcissists themselves had something to say. Katherine Heigl and Katherine Heigl emerged from their quarters on set, looking a bit disheveled after another round of horizontal tango, but each bearing delirious, self-satisfied smiles. The two walked over to a small group of reporters on set, arms around each other.

“We’ve been hearing the stories,” Katherine Heigl said. Which one she was- this reality or the alternate reality Katherine Heigl- went unexplained. They were both identically dressed, after all, letting their hands wander all over each other. Public displays of affection would be an understatement.

“Sure, maybe the ratings are down a bit, but it’s not our fault,” the other Katherine Heigl said with a shrug.

“That’s right,” her wife agreed. “People love us. Not as much as we love each other, but that’s beside the point.”

“And even if the show gets cancelled, that doesn’t matter. Because we’ve got each other,” Katherine Heigl said.

“And we’re the sexiest women alive,” the other Katherine Heigl noted.

“Every last square inch of us,” the first Katherine announced with a grin.

“Oh, sweetie sex goddess, are you as turned on as I am right now?” her wife inquired.

“More, my ravishing cutie pie!” the first Katherine Heigl replied. The Katherine Heigls started making out, wandered back to their quarters, and were soon engaged in among other things, loud, amorous screaming of each other’s names.

This reporter left, wondering why any studio would let the Katherine Heigls into any project. And by extension, this reporter felt profound sympathy for the citizens of a different reality- assuming Doctor Frankenstein’s notion of that aforementioned parallel reality was true. How could anyone live with themselves in a world where Katherine Heigl was a living goddess?