It is time once again for the perspective of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog has the first say.
7:03 AM. Waking up. Slept exceedingly well. Taking a big
stretch and yawning. Glancing at the clock. You know, it’s a lot lighter out
right now than it was this time two weeks ago. It puzzles me as to why humans
change their clocks, back and forth, twice a year. All that does is get them
cranky and good dogs confused. Good dogs like me. Because I am a good dog. A very good dog. As long as you don’t pay
any attention to anything being said by the mailman, the vet, that cranky cat down the road, or the town
mayor. Because they’re all out to get me.
7:05 AM. Scanning outside through the front windows. No
signs of squirrels, but I know they’ve been busy lately. Getting those nuts and
acorns and all that other stuff packed away in their hidey holes for the
winter. There must be a reason for it. Aside from eating over the winter,
because let’s face it, they gorge themselves at the bird feeders all the time.
Which reminds me, if they’re eating this much, why aren’t they gaining too much
weight? I mean, they can still outrun me, which is a source of personal
irritation if you ask me. And you are asking me.
7:09 AM. Waiting on the human to come downstairs. I have
heard her moving about upstairs, so I know she’s awake. I’m looking forward to
breakfast. It’s been a whole nine hours since I scarfed that cookie without her
knowing, and I’m hungry.
At least I think she didn’t know.
7:18 AM. Thumping my tail furiously against the floor as the
human comes downstairs. Hello, human!
7:19 AM. Following my human into the kitchen. Say, have you
given any thought to breakfast? I’m just saying.
7:21 AM. Waiting with great anticipation as my human pours a
big bowl of kibbles. Oh boy oh boy oh
boy….
7:22 AM. Licking my lips after polishing off my breakfast. Only
six seconds off my all-time fastest devouring of breakfast record. Not bad, not
bad…
7:24 AM. Inquiring of the human if she might let me out. I
could use a run, after all.
7:25 AM. Bolting out the back door when the human opens it.
See you later, human!
7:38 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head
off, as happy as I could be.
7:47 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor
of Squirrels. Hello, Spike!
7:49 AM. Spike and I confer on the movements of the enemy.
He spotted two squirrels having an argument on his lawn earlier, but his humans
weren’t awake yet, and he couldn’t get out and chase them. Lousy bastards, if you ask me, Spike, daring to show themselves
when we’re inconveniently locked inside.
7:54 AM. Spike and I discuss the likely extreme long shot
chances that the mailman might get buried in a landslide before coming down the
road this afternoon. Given that it’s not likely to happen, we’ll just have to
give him a serious barking at when the time comes. Speaking of time, it’s
flying, so I’ve got to get back and check in with my human. See you later,
Spike!
8:04 AM. Passing through the woods near the home of that cranky cat. I think I should have a look
and see if she’s about.
8:05 AM. Have emerged at the edge of the trees. What falls
before my eyes is something out on the lawn… something moving, something
smaller than that cranky cat.
It’s a squirrel!
Do I stalk? Do I bark my head off?
What to do, what to do…
8:06 AM. Barking my head off and bolting at top speed
towards that squirrel. The squirrel outruns me to a nearby tree and starts to
chatter at me. Get back down here!
You heard me! Get back down here and face me, you little coward!
8:19 AM. Continuing to circle around the tree while the
squirrel taunts me from above. Reproaching myself for giving in to the instinct
to bark. Well, in all fairness, I am a dog, and as a dog, I do like to bark.
8:25 AM. Staring up into the tree while the squirrel
chatters away, insulting me and casting doubt on my legitimacy. Consider yourself
lucky that dogs can’t climb trees, you little
bastard.
8:47 AM. It’s no use. That squirrel isn’t coming down, and I
can’t stay here all day. I glare up at him and fume. One day, squirrel, one day
you’ll screw up and let your guard down. And when that day happens, I’ll be there. And you won’t be laughing
anymore. I turn, look at the house, and see the cat in the window glaring
daggers at me. Oh, don’t give me that. You must hate squirrels as much as I do.
With that, I take my leave of the property.
9:05 AM. Barking at the back door for the human to let me
in. Human! It is I, Loki… Chewer of Slippers and Annoyer of Mailmen!
9:06 AM. The human lets me in after asking where I’ve been.
Well, if you must know, I was yelling at a squirrel. He started it.
12:11 PM. Lunch with the human. My mooching eyes have
convinced her to give me a dinner roll with ham and cheese on it. Yum yum yum!
1:29 PM. Barking my head off at the mailman as he once again
has the audacity to drop mail off at my human’s mailbox and drive away. And
don’t you ever come back, you hear
me, you monster? You hear me? Never come back!
6:36 PM. Dinner with the human. She’s made my favourite.
Bacon pancakes. I for one am thoroughly pleased.
8:43 PM. Lying in the living room near the fireplace, warming
my belly, contemplating the great mysteries of life. Were squirrels put on this
earth to forever torment and pester dogs? Because I can’t see any other purpose
for their existence.
11:27 PM. The human is off to bed. Well, good night, human.
Sleep well. I’ll keep an eye out down here and protect the house. In between
naps. And if you happen to hear me barking up a storm at four in the morning,
it’s because that damned squirrel is on the outside windowsill.
Dogs have it good.
ReplyDeleteThey do!
DeleteNumber 3 is so perfect ! Must destroy !
ReplyDeletecheers, parsnip and badger
Well of course!
DeleteI'm reading this while my mutt is whining at me for why I am not playing tug with him. He is most displeased.
ReplyDeleteHe needs attention!
DeleteMy dog loves to wake up earlier so she can go take a nap ten minutes later. ;)
ReplyDeleteThat's a dog for you.
DeleteHe walked into the room and told on himself! Oh, that is too charming. And also, happiness truly IS coming home and knowing your dog is there waiting for you. Your spouse, too, but your dog especially...
ReplyDeleteTrue!
DeleteSo, the mailman escaped the landslide. Well, tomorrow is another day. LOL
ReplyDeleteIt's a rarity for a dog to like a mailman.
Delete